When my life first began to go downhill and "good" things would occur to me, I would initiate scenarios in my mind, where all my issues were magically resolved in some risible way thanks to that very good thing and I would get a happily ever after.
Until I realised that life is not like the scenarios in my mind and that my happily ever after was presumably going to be my death.
That's essentially how I feel right now; like my head is creating tremendously real scenarios and that all this situation will not turn out in the way I've desired.
Looking into his deep brown eyes, listening to his words, having hope bubbling into my depths feels like reviving one of my scenarios. "You must presume I'm insane if you think I might help you with that." but what I have to keep in mind is that real life doesn't work like the imagines running through my brain
At my hostile tone, his expression stays unvaried, he keeps his determined countenance and confident outlook as I feel my control slip every second that passes.
"Give me a reason why you wouldn't want him to pay for his crimes?"
"Don't assume things, do you think I wouldn't want him to be sentenced to life in prison? I would love the idea but there is a thing about men like him, they always find a way, they are the ones who win"
A grin arises on his face, but it doesn't appear to be arrogant or derisory; it's rather one that demonstrates, presumably the irritation he's feeling.
"Do you know why they seem to always win? Because people rather be accused of conspiracy of silence than risk and do the right thing." slight bitterness coats his words as his eyes seem to drift back to past occurrences.
"Don't you think is it slightly tone-deaf to just blame them? Yes, they could make a difference but when they try they end up with a bullet in the head, or with their family kidnapped, do you actually believe that they don't want to at last try?"
"We both know there is always a cost for doing the right thing, silence guarantees safety to the people they love, selfishness is no stranger when it comes to people, it doesn't matter how good you think they are, there will always be a time where they'll put themselves first, and in situations like this who is there to blame but the men terrorizing them?"
"I know that well, I go against them every day, that's my job and it has cost me much but here I am still doing what I do, I understand why someone would be unsure and frightened but how could they ever get out of that kind of situation if they quietly endure and leave in constant fear?"
"Sometimes silence can be truly tormenting" There is a strange earnestness that shrouds his last sentence, one that makes you wonder if he's talking because of his personal experiences.
"Adenya, you can help not only yourself but a lot of other girls and families, I'm not going to force you and I'm not going to take you back there if you say no, in fact, I'll try my best to keep you safe but be mindful of your choice"
"La notte porta consiglio [Nights bring counsel, it basically means to sleep on it.] sleep and clear your mind. It's late and you should rest, you can tell me what you have chosen tomorrow, goodnight." He says and gets up heading to his room. I observe him as he slowly distances himself realising I've been staring at him for a way too prolonged time I haul my gaze to my trembling hands. He's right I need sleep.
Getting up I hurry into my room and slip inside the warm covers but as soon my head hits the soft pillows all the sleepiness instantly dissolves.
In fact, memories of my early times at the "hostel" infiltrate inside my head.
Precisely five people, the ones I don't think I will ever be able to forget the ones that made everything worse.
I shut my eyes and reopen it, trying in that way to dispatch their faces out of my brain.
I attempt to think about something else and Francesco words seem to be the only thing coming to mind, it feels unnerving to have a man that is keen to help me and not harm me, it's been long.
Although I can't help but be skeptical there is something about his face, the way he presents himself and addresses me, my incautious heart is willing to trust him just by looking at him but my brain and conscience know better, way better.
I was quite taken aback when he told me he's a lawyer, I mean the way he speaks gives it away I can't explain why I was actually surprised.
Maybe it's his outlook, he's so tall and broad and I feel like he could shatter me in tiny pieces with one hand alone. I was so sure of it when he placed his big hand on my shoulder.
Dark wavy hair decks the top of his head and as black stubble adorns his lower face, what seems to catch my attention particularly are his brown eyes. It's like they are hiding everything I yearn to be aware of.
He's undeniably pleasant to look at, there's a ruggedness following everyone of his movements and for how intimidating he looks, for how diffident I feel my uncaring heart keeps screaming on top of its lungs at my brain that he's not the enemy,
"Francesco is not going to hurt you!" Oh how I wish my nive heart could be right this time.
Thinking of it, I have nothing to lose, I'm just scared of what he will do to me if he'd meet me again.
Silence can be truly tormenting.
I decide that for today I did enough thinking and finally allow my body to surrender to the tiredness that I'm feeling, falling that way into a dreamless sleep.
An odd sense of awareness comes to you when waking up knowing today is going to be far from similar from the previous day.
Knowing that no man is going to unwillingly put his hands on me, that no unwanted gazes are going to set on my naked figure, it doesn't feel normal, as it should be, instead it feels irrational, just the realization alone is aberrant but also I can't help but let this strange feeling of elation, one I haven't experienced in a while to create inside my core.
A little smile appears on my face but before I let my happiness reach to unthinkable levels I am reminded of the presence of the man I'm still reluctant to trust by a soft knock on my door.
"Goodmorning Adenya just wanted to let you know that there are other clothes inside the small koboard next to the bed and when you're done breakfast is ready," that was probably his way of saying that we had to pursue the conversation of last night.
"Okay." I replied simply.
When I heard his heavy steps distance themselves I grabbed the warm white sweaters and jeans inside the koboard and made my way to the bathroom.
I desperately need a shower, the sense of dirtiness is not going to magically disappear and showers still help me with it, sure it doesn't mean that the feeling wholly dissolves itself but it alleviates and what I desire is to feel a little less of it as the time passes until I'm a clean empty shell
I enter the bathroom and feel delighted with seeing a towel and a brand new toothbrush and tube of toothpaste on top of it as soon as I enter.
I brush my teeth until I feel like my gums are burning, and rinse my mouth with cold water to alleviate the discomfort.
I remove my clothes and enter inside the shower, the water isn't as warm as the one of the hostel but is enough, there is a bar of solid soap but there aren't any bath sponge in sight so I rub the bar on my palms and scrub my body with my nails, nigging them deep into my skin, scrubbing like I'm taking my skin off.
I don't know how long it passed before I got out of the shower , dried myself, and put the clothes that were inside the keyboard on, but the time of comforting Francesco came.
Heading with a slow speed to the kitchen, I see him standing while sipping coffee. He's wearing a black long sleeved shirt that wraps his figure perfectly and black joggers.
There is a plate with slices of strawberries and some pancakes with apricot juice next to it on the opposite side of the table.
"Is that for me?" I wonder as I look at it.
"Yes, if there's something you don't like please tell me." I fremently shake my head and sit down, I've haven't had such a big meal in five years.
I begin eating, avoiding his gaze as I wait for him to finally ask the question.
"I hope you were able to make a decision." Though my gaze is still fixed on the bowl of fruit I nod quietly, adding nothing to the conversation.
"And what is it?" he asked, trying to push me into telling him.
"I want to do the right thing, I really do but I'm scared. What if things aren't going to work? You have a noble purpose but is your plan effective, is it going to work for granted?"
"I don't want to live thinking I made everything worse." I say almost whispering
"Adenya I cannot assure you that. I can't confirm that there aren't going to be any obstacles and things aren't going to get difficult at some point but I have been working for this for 3 years now and I like to think I'm good at my job"
"Now eat your breakfast you will be properly informed of what you part in all this is." he says and gets up from the chair planting the coffee mug inside the sink to then disappear in some other room and coming back some instant after with a black notebook.
Quietly I eat my food trying to make all the jitter depart my body. The sound of a scribbling pen fills my ears, and I wonder what he's doing.
A sense of fullness in my stomach stops me from finishing my breakfast, though I feel guilty, I'm just not used to that much food in a day.
"You aren't eating the rest" he asks, glancing at my half full fruit bowl and pancakes still on my plates, well not really ask, based on his tone he seems to be wondering why but it feels more like an observation,
"I really appreciate your breakfast but I'm seriously full. I'd like to eat it later though" he quietly stares at me and then nods.
"You don't have to explain yourself, and leave it there you'll eat it later in the car if you want"
"Wait, what do you mean in the car?" A frown carves on my face and looks at him waiting for an explanation.
"They definitely started searching for you, and so is better for us to go away from here as fast as possible"
"It's extremely important for you to not disclose your real name and the one you used at the hostel, to anyone you will come across to, do not initiate conversation, and when neither me or the only people which are Jovan ,and the next one you will meet soon, are with you do not and I mean it go out to the safe location you were located"
"You will be asked question about Principe exclusively from me, if someone who isn't me asks you report it to me as soon as you can, you will given a phone with a deffrent sim card every 3 days, you will be able to call the person you are about to meet, as to for me you will be talking to me strictly face to face."
"Now, in your room under the bed there is a black bag with all the things you'll need for at last now, please put the toothbrush and the toothpaste you used today inside the bag and before we go I need you to give me the clothes you wore to the hostel and the passaport Jovan gave you."
"What do you want to do with those?" he turned his head towards the fireplace and instantly understand
I nod as I let all these pieces of information sink in.
Passports and clothes from the hostel, got it.
I head to my room and take both the clothes and the passport and come back to the kitchen, he takes out his hands waiting for me to hand them to him but I step back slightly, holding onto them in a quite possessive way stopping him from grabbing them.
"Please, I want to be the one doing this," he points at the fireplace once again and then hides his hands inside his pockets, still not uttering a single word.
I first let my clothes burn, watching them marvelly turning into ash, and succumb to the power of the fire that gets slightly bigger as I let them flare, and then the turn of the fake passport comes, maybe I'm too close to the fire, my skin feels like it's gradually catching fire too, but I'm too mesmerized by the scene, I covet the strongness and powerfulness of that warmness, I wish I could frighten people exactly that way keeping them far just like flames are so effortlessly capable to do but I can't.
Wholly held captive by my thoughts I do not realise the presence of Francesco behind me, he doesn't touch me but he sets off the fire with something that seems like old ashes.
A fire that so potentially dangerous shut down by its own creation, flemes for how menacing they can be are also so fragile, just like me and I've learned that fragileness is something i'll never lack of, but after all I've been through I don't see it as a course, just as an inevitable thing, I shouldn't blame myself for it.
"Next time try to stay farther from the fire, you could've burned yourself" he says with a hiss that makes me flinch, I avoid his angry brown eyes and stay quiet.
In succession of brutally loud istants of silence he reaches for the now burnt passport, t and put it into a black envelope.
"I'll manage this later, now we have to go, go get your bag:"
I do as he requests and something like ten minutes pass after I obsessively check that I have put everything I needed inside the bag, though I'm fully aware I did. I am not all surprised to see that he's now wearing a coat and gloves.
"Let's go" he opens the door but before I could go out he stops me with his voice "Coat is freezing outside" he points at the one holding in his hands and I just take it in silence, feeling rether dumb for not noticing it previosly.
We exit from the cabin and enter inside the car, he drives away but neither of us try to make any conversation, phreaps our thoughts are loud enough.
Eventually the quietness becomes boring and sleep takes control of me, but the rough voice of Francesco is able to wake me up immediately, or this is how it feels.
"We are here" I look around, it's just a bunch of fields but there is a black car in front of us.
"You'll have to go to the airport with that car, the'll give you your new passport and other documents, you will be safely moved into the next safe location, there we will meet again, from now on that's going to be your "permanent" location"
He points at the car in front of us to come closer and a tall man comes out of it, my whole body tenses as my eyes seem to recognize his face. I squint my eyes and wait for him to get closer,and then that's when I realise who he is.
"You have to be fucking kidding me!" I'm really angry but it seems like the only thing you can perceive from my tone is an utter sense of fear.
My reckless heart has failed me once again.