Nausea erupted in my stomach and slowly made its way up my esophagus.
God, forgive me.
I forcefully gagged, making every effort to vomit everything that I had just eaten onto my plate. Faizan and the men roared into laughter; I did not look to see if Ahsan had joined them. Either way, I didn't care.
"Oh Hayat, you should be thankful for the food you've gotten at this hour in this barren desert," Faizan reprimanded me with a sarcastic tone. "Allah will not be pleased that you've easily thrown away your portions."
Allah?
I was not as outwardly religious as I was expected to be; my spirituality was more personal. However, I knew that Faizan had absolutely no right to address God in any manner.
The children around me were still choking on their food and began muttering prayers to God to forgive them for what they had unknowingly done.
"Alright," Faizan spoke up yet again as he watched me stick my fingers down my throat as far as they could go in order to vomit anything that was left. "It would be rather unkind of me to let you go to sleep without some food. Since you weren't satisfied with dinner, perhaps you'd like some dessert?"
Oh, no!
"Don't look so distasteful," he scolded me quietly and knelt down to meet me at eye level. "I believe I have a stock of infant liver. Or perhaps you'd prefer a heart?"
A warm putrid feeling was rising up the throat. The horrid taste filled my mouth and with all the strength I had, I spewed bile directly at Faizan's face.
His eyes widened as he faltered backwards; he looked taken aback at my abrupt eruption and a tiny part of me felt victorious.
But not for long as Faizan, infuriated, wiped the remains of my meal from his face and lunged for my throat.
He pinned me against the sharp, prickly cave wall as the children scattered around, and his gloved hands tightened over my throat. Faizan stared at me like as a predator would, assessing his prey. He leered at me, his eyes glazed with disturbing excitement. I felt my own eyes water from the pain, but before everything around me completely blurred, Faizan was furiously ripped off of me with great force.
I crouched over, resting my hands on my knees, and tried to regain my breathing as my mouth had gone dry. My body froze as a person with a familiar pair of black eyes sharply strode towards me, shoving Faizan away from him.
Ahsan glared at me with an endless depth of anger and rage, and continued to stare me down as he hissed, "Follow me."
I couldn't see how I could have possibly disobeyed; he tightly gripped my upper arm and showed no signs of letting go.
Just as Ahsan was leading the way towards the corridor, while I was mentally determining how he would take out his fury at me, a bloodcurdling scream broke through the air.
I spun around to be faced with Faizan, who triumphantly clutched a bloodied dagger in one hand, and held onto a little girl's braid from the scalp so that her head would not unhinge itself from her neck.
....so that her head would not unhinge itself from her neck!
Faizan had actually slit her throat a bit more than halfway just so her head was solely attached to the back of her neck, but not the front.
What was her name? Rabia...Rania...something...
Ahsan let go of my arm at the same time Faizan let go of the child. Her throat had unhinged as she crashed to the floor, blood gradually poured out of her torn esophagus and trailed in a wavy, rouge path on the ground.
No...
How much have I cried and screamed since I got here? My shoulders sunk with guilt as I wasn't able to grieve over little Rania properly.
Faizan dropped the dagger and walked until he was inches from my face. I shuddered as he traced the side of my face with his cold, pale finger.
"Hayat," he whispered as his eyes bored into my own. "I expected you to be smart enough to figure this out on your own, despite the fact that you've only been here for a few hours. However, I'll tell you myself without any strings attached: it is never a good idea to test my patience. Very, hm, unpleasant things can happen if that is the case."
Disgusted, I ripped my gaze away from him, but he wouldn't allow for it. He tipped my chin upwards and smiled, his white teeth gleaming under the dimly lit gas lamp hanging from the ceiling.
"Let me put this in another perspective, shall I?" He asked in a hushed tone, while everyone else fixated their eyes on us. "How many more children need to die because of your selfish acts?"
My shoulders sunk.
He was right.
Jamael was thrown off the cliff because he fought back the only way he knew how, and tried to save me.
Sadah's throat was slashed all because I refused to marry Ahsan.
And now, Rania was murdered all because I defied Faizan.
This really was all my fault.
I was angry at myself, and Faizan.
Unfortunately, Ahsan was aware of that too as he restrained me from under my arms before I was able to come in contact with Faizan.
"Let me go!" I said through gritted teeth and tried to force myself out Ahsan's tight grip, while tears steadily dripped down my cheeks.
"What the hell are you doing?" Ahsan fiercely snarled in my ear. "Quit fighting back!"
"No!" I struggled to flail my arms in his hold, even more furiously than before since Faizan had now plastered a satisfied, smug smile across his lips.
Ahsan only hindered my arms from moving, not my legs...
"Oh, Hayat, Ahsan here is a bit too strong for you." Faizan feigned a pout. "I think you should just give in to him, in more ways than one," he said and winked. "Perhaps, if he's feeling generous, he'll let us have a bite of y-"
My foot sailed between his legs, kicking him right where it hurt the most. With a heavy groan, he clutched himself and bent over, spluttering and coughing.
But I wasn't quite done.
Before anyone could stop me, I brought my foot up and slammed Faizan's chest, knocking him to the ground, breathless.
Nazim, the man who took Rafaa away, and the other five men violently strode forward in my direction when a forceful arm yanked me from behind, flipped me around and threw me over his shoulder.
"What the hell are you doing!" I yelled to Ahsan, half-realizing I imitated his exact words from just moments before.
I screamed as he prepared to exit the room we were in, making a turn for the left passageway, when Faizan called out, "Hayat! Don't think I'm done with you!"
Rhythmic sobs rippled from my throat.
Why was I even here?
What did these innocent children do to deserve all this?
I started beating Ahsan's back with my fists, but to no avail. He firmly placed his gloved hands on the back of my legs and continued to carry me down the corridor as though I was a mere feather. Huffing out of breath, I flicked my hair out of the way to see we had stopped right outside his room at the end of the hallway. He shut the door behind us.
"Put me down!" I pushed my hands on his back, trying to get rid of the pounding feeling of blood rush to my head.
I yelped when my body was thrown down from his shoulder and onto the metal cot I had sat on just hours before.
"Stop!" I shouted at him and tried to get up, but he pushed me back down on the cot with one hand.
"Quit shouting!" He scolded me and I yelled even louder than before when he firmly sat above my hips.
No!
Suddenly, he slammed his hands down either side of my head, silently warning me with a glare not to attempt to get up again. I cringed back into the cot in fear.
"Do you think anybody in here cares if you're screaming?" He snapped at me. "Do you think anybody here will come to your rescue?
I was numb.
He was right.
All these men were murderers, terrorists. The children, who did care that I was hurt, were under their custody now. Not a single one of the men would care if I was in trouble at all.
I resorted to sobbing again, seeing as that was the only way to let out my frustration.
"Listen here, Hayat," he spat out my name as though it was a venomous curse. "When you're here, you follow my orders and obey my rules."
He leaned down so that he was breaths away from my face, and narrowed his eyes at me. "If you suddenly decide to be so courageous with me like you were out there with Faizan, I swear you will suffer, and that's putting it mildly. If you do not want to die a painfully slow and brutal death like those kids, I strongly suggest you do as I say. Do I make myself clear?"
Fed up, I nodded feebly.
"I don't take head motions for answers." Ahsan hissed and repeated menacingly, "Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes," I mumbled quietly.
"Yes what?"
"Yes, I'll do whatever you say." I gave up, for now. I had very little energy to retort and fight back.
He nodded, got off of me and shuffled through some things in the drawer of the small wooden table. "Do you want anything?" His tone was turned down an octave.
"I want to go back home," I told him honestly as I wiped my face with my sleeve.
He scoffed. "I meant, do you want anything to eat?"
My eyes widened. "No."
"I meant actual food this time."
"Still, no."
"You want to sleep on an empty stomach?" Ahsan eyed me questioningly. "It's been two days since you've eaten."
It was my turn to scoff at him. "I'm very much full," I told him sarcastically.
His jaw tightened under his balaclava, but he did not respond; he went back to shuffling the papers in the drawer.
Then, something dawned on me.
"Did you know?" I asked him quietly.
He didn't look up. "Did I know what?"
"About...the kids."
"Oh." He nodded slowly in remembrance, as if he couldn't quite recall the gruesome image. "I guessed as much."
I sat upright on the cot. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"What do you mean?"
"Why," I began and my chest heaved up and down as I was forced to say the next words. "Why didn't you tell me the children had been cooked?"
Ahsan spun around haltingly. "And why should I have told you?"
"You can dry my clothing so I can stay warm, you can put on an act in front of the others when it came to 'consummating this relationship' all because you didn't want to force yourself on me." I cautiously stood up, making sure he wouldn't pounce on me for doing so, and slowly stepped towards him. "But you can't give me the hint that Faizan was serving children for dinner?"
His eyebrows skyrocketed as I continued.
"Does it not bother you at all? They cooked children! Why are you acting like this is normal!" My voice steadily increased in volume, causing Ahsan's eyes to widen each second. "Seriously, what is wrong with you people? I can't even cry properly right now because I literally do not have any tears left, thanks to being dehydrated and emotionally tortured."
"They were just kids." My lower lip trembled. "They had real, bright futures ahead of them. They weren't supposed to end up in this graveyard! How can you all just strut around the place as though you've done some immense charity to the world? Why is this even happening?"
Ahsan shoved the papers back into the drawer and gave me his full attention as I rambled on.
"I don't know what you all want. I don't know why you've kept us here. I don't know any of your motives. All I know is that if jahannam exists, then hell is right here! This,-" I spread my arms out. "This is hell. Right here."
Feeling delusional and light-headed, I rubbed my temples. "I should be so lucky. I wasn't able to reach jannah, but at least I made it to an earthly jahannam, so thank you for the experience. I really do appreciate it."
He raised an eyebrow.
I opened my mouth to say more, but all that came out were gut-wrenching sobs that tore through my chest and convulsed my body. I felt even dizzier now and stumbled near the wooden table to balance myself.
Shaking, I stared at the floor and solemnly let out, "How could you? They were children. Do you not have an ounce of humanity? How do you just become so heartless?"
When he didn't respond, I looked up, scanning his face, or rather just the grim line that was his mouth and then his narrowed eyes, for some sort of reaction.
I didn't know it was possible to see him even angrier than before.
"If I was 'so heartless', you'd be crouched on the floor right now, bloodied and bruised, after being raped." Ahsan murmured threateningly. "Would you like me to show you that level of heartlessness?" He took a step towards my faltering body.
My heart skipped a traitorous beat.
I shook my head faintly.
"Now, what did I tell you about head motions?" He stomped over to me with another step, involuntarily causing me to fumble backwards.
"No."
"No?"
"No, I do not want to see that level of...heartlessness."
"I didn't imagine you would," he said as he walked over to the corner adjacent to the door. "Now shut up and get some sleep." Ahsan lay down on the concrete floor and threw his arm over his eyes as I sunk on the cot. "We may or may not travel to a nearby city in the morning."
"Travel?" It had been such a long time since I heard that word; it did not give me the thrill and excitement as it used to. "Which nearby city?
"Aleppo."
Aleppo?
Prior to booking my flight ticket to Amman, I had fervently studied the map of Jordan and other countries in the Levant, in case I would need to travel around nearby. I scanned my mental map to figure out where Aleppo was in Jordan. Furrowing my eyebrows together, I frowned. For once, my mental map had failed me as I couldn't quite locate the city in Jordan.
And then it hit me.
Aleppo wasn't in Jordan.
Aleppo was in northern Syria.
Glossary:
~Allah (AHLL-ah)- Arabic term for "The God", used by Muslims as well as Christians in the Middle East
~Jahannam (Arabic)- One of the names for the Islamic concept of Hell. Related to Hebrew "Gehennom".
~Jannah (Arabic)- The Islamic conception of paradise/heaven.
~Levant- Geographical term referring to a group of countries in the Middle East, specifically Jordan, Lebanon, Syria and Palestine/Israel.