Our train is just pulling into Dortmund central station again and I haven't talked to Kiara or Tom since yesterday.
I also told Jude not to pick me up. I told him that I want to go to my mother's right away.
But that's not true. There's nowhere I'd rather be right now than with Jude, but I can't.
I can't look him in the eye with the conscience that someone else kissed me yesterday.
I know that's not actually cheating, but it feels like it and I just can't tell him yet.
And I don't really want to see my mother either, after she lied to me for almost a whole year.
"Who's picking you up?" Mrs Schwarz asks me annoyed after we get off the train.
"No one. I'm walking.", I answer her without looking at her.
"Leya, you know your behaviour will have an after game," she says.
I don't even listen to her anymore, but just leave and make my way home.
After walking for an hour, I finally arrive.
When I open the door, I immediately smell lunch that my mother is cooking.
But when I get to the kitchen, it's not my mother, it's Denise, and next to her at the bar is Jude.
Great. All the people I don't want to see at the moment, all at once.
They greet me with a big smile.
Shit, what am I supposed to do now?
At that moment my mother comes into the room and looks at me at the same time, serious but also happy to see me again.
"So nice to have you back," Denise says, stirring the pot once with her spoon.
I just nod and then leave the room again to take my things upstairs.
In my room, the first thing I do is lie down on my bed and take a deep breath.
"Leya, we need to talk. Your teacher called me," my mother suddenly says, coming into the room.
I don't answer but turn away from her.
"I'm serious. Don't you think you owe me an explanation?" she asks as she sits down on the edge of my bed.
"So now I owe you an explanation? How about we start the other way around first?", I ask her.
"I'm not hiding anything from you, Leya. Don't try to turn anything around now," she says a little angry.
"As long as you don't have anything to say to me, I don't have anything to say to you," I answer her, put my Airpods in and turn the music up really loud so that I don't have to listen to her anymore.
She just shakes her head and walks out of my room.
A few minutes later there is another knock on the door and Jude comes in.
Great.
"Hey. I wanted to talk to you," he says and sits down on my bed too.
Why does everyone want to talk to me today?
"But I don't want to talk. Leave me alone, please," I say, not looking at him.
"What's wrong with you?" he says, his voice more serious now.
"I want my peace Jude. Why don't you understand?", I ask now, annoyed.
He just looks at me and rolls his eyes.
So I look at him demanding to go, but he makes no decency to leave.
"Didn't you hear what I said?", I ask him now, a bit angry.
"Oh yes I did, but I'm still not leaving," he says, smiling at me and spreading himself extra wide on my bed.
"If you're not going, I'm going," I say, standing up and leaving a confused Jude behind me in the room.
Even as I go downstairs, Denise and my mother look at me in confusion and try to talk to me.
I put my music back on really loud so I can't hear them.
I walk out of the front door and into a small forest near us.
When I go for a run or a walk, I always get clear thoughts and can get my feelings right.
"How dare you behave like this? First that on the school trip and now here too. You could at least have been friendly to our guests," my mother yells at me when I return.
"Mum, stay out of this," I say and take off my shoes.
"No, I'm your mother. I don't stay out of such important things.", she still shouts.
"And you keep your daughter out of such important things? For example, did you ever want to tell me that you sold our house? Or is that not important to you? Or something you don't want your daughter to know?", I'm shouting now too.
"Don't yell at me when other people are still in the house," she continues to yell.
"I don't give a shit if there are other people here. You can invite the neighbours too if you want," I shout back.
"How do you know about the house?" she asks now, no longer shouting but still loud.
"I was there on a school trip, Mum. Did you think I would never find out?" I ask her.
"No, I didn't want to tell you because I knew how you would react. And I didn't tell you about the sale because you wouldn't have let me."
"Of course I wouldn't have let that happen. You knew how important this house was to me and you sold it anyway. How could you do that?" I ask her.
I am on the verge of crying again.
"I thought we would never go back there and that's why I sold it," she says, firmly convinced that she made the right decision.
"But it's not just about you. That was our house. That's the last thing I had left. All the pictures, all Papa's and Sofia's things. They're all gone. The owners who live there now have only been able to keep 4 fucking photos because there's nothing else left. Why didn't you at least let me pick up the old stuff?"
"You were there?" she asks me now in a calm voice.
"Yes, mum. And Milan, the son of the woman you sold it to, opened it for me. I was inside too and it looks completely different. Nothing reminds me of us any more," I say and her gaze drops to the floor.
"I'm so sorry," she says and a tear falls down my cheek.
"I hate you for that," I say and disappear upstairs.
I really need to work on not starting to cry every time I have an argument with someone.
"Can I come in?", Jude asks me, but before I can say no he already comes in and sits down on my bed, just like before.
"What was that about?" he asks me, confused.
"My mother sold the house. But we were loud enough, you should have heard it," I say, not looking at him again.
"But what's so bad about her actually selling it now?" he asks.
"I just said it already, but anyway... It's the only thing I still had there. The only memories I had of them were in that house. Every time I looked at a certain place there, that scene came into my head and that memory was renewed so that I don't forget it. And now that it's all gone, I'm afraid to forget them."
He says nothing, but nods understandably.
He then tries to hug me, but I avoid him.
"There's something else I need to tell you," I say, looking him straight in the eye.
His look becomes serious and he takes one sharp breath.
He knows.
He knows me too well not to know what's coming now.
"In London...how should I say it?", I start, but then look down at my hands and start kneading them.
Fuck. This is worse than I thought.
"I'm so sorry," I say as another tear runs down my cheek.
"But you have to know that I'm...", I start again, but he interrupts me.
"No.", he just says, stands up and leaves...