He didn't know when he eventually fell asleep. For hours he tried to call you, but every single time just went to voicemail. He figured you were asleep, unlike him you weren't wide awake thinking about every single thing he could've done wrong in your relationship.
But he couldn't have been more wrong.
You didn't sleep. Once.
All night had been spent booking last minute flights to Los Angeles, and when you weren't on your laptop you were staring at the wall.
Nothing was in your head anymore. Unlike a few hours ago when every thought possible was running through your mind, you were now completely numb.
When Bucky assumed it was a reasonable time to leave him home and barge into someone else's, he done exactly that to Steve and Nats.
"Steve? Steve?" Bucky burst through the door.
Steve was at up at the breakfast bar of his kitchen with a mug of coffee, still in the clothes he slept in. Y'know, those classic Steve Rogers fluffy pyjamas.
"Buck?" Steve rubbed his eyes, not fully woken up, trying to work out why his best friend would be in his apartment this early in the morning.
"Y/N- Where's Y/N? I lost her, Steve. I lost her."
"What, what do you mean you lost her? Bucky what's going on?"
Bucky gripped the side of the side of the breakfast bar to steady himself.
"She- she called me last night, and broke up with me. But I can't loose her Steve, she's the best thing that ever happened to me-"
"Buck," Steve interrupted, "Just call her."
"I've been trying." He snapped, "All fucking night, she won't even open her damn door-"
Bucky was again interrupted, this time by Natasha, strolling into the kitchen, her baby bump beginning to show.
"Barnes, what do I owe the pleasure?" She asked as she poured a glass of orange juice.
"I can't say anything has been pleasurable about this visit." Bucky mumbled.
"What are you even doing here?"
"Talking to Steve, very important... Stuff." He muttered again.
"No I meant here as in New York."
"What do you mean?"
"She didn't tell you?"
"She broke up with me, Natasha." Buckys voice broke, "She called me in the middle of the night to tell me it's over, why would she tell me anything?"
"Bucky-" Nat looked at him, tears filled her eyes.
"I- I need her. I don't think I can live without her."
"Bucky she needs you." Nat explained, "Boys, I think you should sit down for this."
Bucky walked over to the breakfast bar and sat up next to Steve, taking Steve's bowl of cereal and spoon and eating it himself.
"Hey," Steve glared.
"Shut up, I'm depressed." Bucky muttered, filling his mouth with a spoonful of cereal.
Nat leaned on the counter, chewing slightly on her lip.
"You know about her Mom, right? ... And, how, uhm, ill she was?"
Buckys heart stopped.
"Oh my god." He jumped off of the seat, running back through the apartment to grab his coat.
"Is she?-" Bucky turned around to face Nat and Steve.
Natasha had gotten the phone call a while after you had, she was awake during the night feeling slightly sick, so she answered it.
"She passed last night. I don't know how Y/N is dealing with her emotions but- I don't think she broke up with you for the reasons you may have thought- Dave said he was only telling one person from couples he was aware of, which is why Steve never got a call, and I'm presuming that's why you didn't know either..."
"Where is she?" Bucky quickly put his jacket back on, heading for the door.
"She had an early flight."
Bucky pulled out his phone and found his way to airline websites. He booked the first flight to LA he could find and rushed out the door, quickly saying goodbye to Steve and Natasha.
Bucky rushed home and packed a small carry on suitcase, he quickly booked out a hotel room and made his way to the airport for his last minute flight.
His journey was unbearably long and extremely uncomfortable. He was jammed in between two large men who had definitely forgotten to use deodorant that morning, so Bucky spent most of the flight pacing the isle or locked in the airplane toilet.
He jumped in the first cab he say when he exited the airport, straight away giving the address to your Dads house.
Buckys leg shook in anticipation as he sat in the back seat of the taxi, only this time you weren't here to calm him down. He recognised the streets he passed as the cab driver drove closer and closer to your dads place.
When he arrived at the house, more cars were parked on the street than he had originally remembered.
Bucky thanked and paid the cab driver, getting his case out the trunk before he drove away.
Bucky walked up to the door and knocked, taking a step back from the door to give space to whoever would open it.
"Bucky?" Dave asked, opening the door.
"Hi Mr Y/L/N... Dave... Sir..."
Bucky instantly noticed how drained he looked. From what Bucky was aware he was up all night letting people know about Pamelas passing. But all the same he still threw Bucky a smile and invited him in.
"I'm truly sorry about your loss, Pamela was a wonderful person."
"And she still is." Dave smiled to himself, recalling pleasant memories with his wife, "She lives on in the best of us."
Bucky nodded.
"Thank you for coming, son. It means a lot to me, honestly." Dave patted him on the shoulder, "I actually wasn't expecting to see you, Y/N said you wouldn't be able to make it."
"There was a slight change of plans, just got Sam to take care of the business and got on the first flight over here."
"Well, I'm glad you came. I really appreciate it, you're family, son. Always remember that. Pamela thought very highly of you, as do I. She would have made sure you knew that you were always welcome here."
"Thanks, Dave." Bucky gave a sad smile.
Dave led him into the living room, where a few of what he assumed were other relatives were sitting, explaining the extra cars on the street.
Bucky quickly scanned the room for a sight of you, but there was no luck, you weren't here.
"She took the car and went out for a drive. Said she had to think some things over." Dave said, noticing Buckys watchful gaze looking for you.
"I- uhm-"
"Bucky I know something happened between you two, I'm not completely blind. But she's grieving, we're all grieving. Whatever she said or done, I don't think she meant it."
"Yeah, uh, I'm not really sure what's happening either..."
"I'm not sure where she went, but I'm assuming she'll come back here when she's finished her drive."
"I think I know where she went..." Bucky contemplated his options, "I'm guessing she took your car? I came in a cab... You don't happen to have-"
Dave handed him a set of keys.
"The trucks parked out front." He said, "Good luck."
Bucky walked outside to Daves truck. It looked... Old. But it would do. He sat in it for a minute, getting a feel for the controls, before pulling out of its parallel parking space, making his way down the street, hoping he remembered the directions.
Bucky followed his gut and took all the turns down the streets he recognised, before hitting the mountain road you had taken him up when you both travelled here, and then y'know, had sex in Daves car.
God, Bucky hoped more than anything that Dave didn't know that.
The lookout car park was practically empty, as it had been when you before visited, only a few cars scattered around. One of them being yours.
He pulled up next to it, but the car was empty.
When Bucky turned his head he noticed a bench, you were sat on the bench, looking out over the LA skyline, your hair blowing in the mountain breeze.
Now that Bucky knew you had only broken up with him because you were grieving, he wasn't as scared to talk to you as he had been before.
He cautiously walked up to the bench and gently sat down next to you, without it saying a word.
You looked up at him with tear filled eyes, you hadn't let yourself cry the whole time, during the phone call you didn't cry, during the flight you didn't cry, seeing your dad for the first time since your mom died you didn't cry.
Tears began to form in your eyes for the first time as you pulled up in the parking lot, but you were determined not to let them fall.
But seeing that Bucky was here, after you gave him absolutely no explanation for what you done, that's when the tears fell. Everything you had been holding back just poured out all at once.
You hadn't cried about your mom since the first day you met Bucky, when you took the call from your dad in Nat and Steve's hallway and Bucky noticed you were upset was the last time you had cried about her. Sure you were sad about it, but so many people had reminded you that your mom wouldn't have wanted to throw your life away worrying about her plus the fact you didn't let people see you upset.
Every emotion built up about your mom was let out all at once, and unlike all the times you had cried about her before, this time someone was there for you, this time you had someone's shoulder to cry on.
As soon as Bucky noticed the tears he pulled you in closer to him, letting you completely soak his shirt with your tears. He didn't mind, he was just glad that you were okay.
"You're... You're here." You whispered, your head tucked in at Buckys shoulder as he held you as close as he could to him.
"Of course I'm here. I'll always be here, for you." He whispered as his head rested in your hair.
"I messed up, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." You whispered again, still clinging onto Bucky.
"It's alright, doll. Don't worry about it."
You sobbed into his shoulder some more, before pulling away and intertwining your fingers with his.
"I should've been there for her more. I- I shouldn't have went back to New York." You said, Bucky instantly picking up on the change of topic.
"She wanted you to go back to New York. She just wanted you to be happy."
You shook your head.
"I should've done more, Buck... I could've worked remotely from my parents house- Or visited more- I-"
"Hey," Bucky cupped your cheek, "You were an amazing daughter, she was an amazing mother, your mom couldn't have been more proud."
You buried your face into his chest again.
"I love you." You whispered.
"I love you too."
—
Bucky didn't want you driving home on your own. You had gotten yourself very upset and he didn't think you should've been driving like in the state you were in.
You didn't know how long you stayed there on the bench wrapped in Buckys arms. Time passes differently when you're grieving, when you're brain never stops.
Even though you had only been 'broken up' with Bucky for less than 24 hours, that mixed with your mother's death was a greater pain than you had ever experienced. Although you knew now that as soon as Bucky found out Pamela died, he didn't count it as a breakup.
Knowing you had Bucky back for sure now made you feel slightly better. He supported you whenever you needed it and he was always the shoulder to cry on you needed.
He stayed up most of the night with you, as you couldn't sleep at all. For a while you watched movies, but also stayed up for ages just holding hands, lying in your fathers backyard staring up at the stars.
You stayed in LA until the funeral, Tony even flew out in his private jet to attend. Bucky was with you the whole time, and during the funeral he didn't let go of your hand once.
You flew home after the funeral whereas Tony stayed for a while. Dave said the same as your mother always did, he didn't want you to leave your life in New York behind for him.
"How you doin'?" Bucky asked as he held your hand while you both lay in bed. It had been 3 weeks since the funeral, Bucky had been by your side ever since.
"Okay, I guess." You turned your head to him and smiled sadly.
"You're thinking about your mom?"
"Yeah," You're head turned back to the roof, staring at the ceiling.
"I just wanted her to be there for everything," You spilled your thoughts out to Bucky, knowing he was always there to listen. "Y'know? Like our wedding, and to see our kids grow up."
You sad smile turned happy as you thought about the future with Bucky. Your head turned back to face him only to notice he had an emotional-looking grin on his face.
"You really see that future with me?" He asked, in almost a whisper.
"Only with you."
"So not with the elf in the hobbit you find really hot?" Bucky joked, referencing back to the first time (of many) you watched the Hobbit together.
"Only with you, Bucky." You laughed, kissing him softly.
He held your hand again and you continued to stare at the ceiling, but Buckys eyes stayed directed on you. He noticed the way the moonlight shining through the window reflected off of your eyes, the way your lips curved into a smile every now and then when you thought of a nice memory.
"Move in with me." Bucky said suddenly.
"What?" Your head turned back to him suddenly, the same smile Bucky loved when you thought of something nice reappearing on your face.
"Move in with me." He repeated, "You are here basically every night, and you mentioned your rent being increased and your electrical bills going up, so I don't see why not."
You bit your lip with a smile as you thought of the future.
"I mean you don't have to if you don't want to, I just thought you might like to officially live with me- If you don't like it we can always redecorate... And we can buy a bigger wardrobe because I know mine is pretty full with all of my work clothes, or maybe we can turn the spare room into a walk in wardrobe? And I haven't had any violent nightmares since... Well since you started sleeping over, oh and also, Charley has been asking for a sleepover at my place for ages and I don't think I could handle that kid on my own so I'd need you for backup-" Bucky rambled on and on, you didn't even try to stop him because you hadn't realised how much he had thought about this, the fact he wanted this so bad meant so much to you.
"Bucky," You interrupted his rambling, as much as you loved it you'd much rather talk about it with him, "I'd love to."
"Yeah?" His eyes lit up, your eyes still locked with each other's as you faced each other while lay on the bed.
"Yeah." You grinned.
Bucky rolled himself over and used one arm to balance himself on top of you, one leg on either side of yours, before kissing you slowly.
"God, I love you."