Harry Styles, 2021
"How's G?" Harry asks, holding his phone to his ear with one shoulder while making an early birthday cake for Louis. His actual birthday is in two days but Harry already bakes for him since they're not going to be in the castle on Christmas Eve.
Louis set the date of his second festival on his birthday, because he wants to be celebrated by as many people as possible since he always had to accept not being the most important thing of the day for his whole life.
When your birthday is on Christmas eve, everyone is stressed, your siblings get presents too and you're just not the head of the party so he wants to be in the centre of attention for once and Harry can't blame him one bit.
Although, he is still sad that he can't have Louis alone for himself on this special day.
"She's good, a bit stressed with being momma." Zayn replies, apparently having Harry on speaker and playing the guitar while talking to him.
"I told you, I can always come and babysit Khai and you can have a romantic date night." Harry says, adding more flour to the dough.
"But you're in England. Or should I say." Zayn makes a dramatic pause. "Half the world away."
Harry bursts out laughing, causing the phone to slip from his shoulder and almost fall into the bowl, but he catches it on time.
When he puts it back against his ear, not quite recovered from his laugh attack yet, Zayn is also chuckling.
"Isn't it funny how we are so good friends, without even talking once in one D?"
"Harry." Zayn says, his voice suddenly serious.
"I'm joking Z." Harry chuckles and waves it of, even though they're not on FaceTime.
Actually, he had been really hurt by it when he first saw the headlines about Zayn telling the press that he apparently "never really talked to Harry". But then he had called him and they talked it through for a while.
Back then, Zayn had been forced to say bad stuff about the other lads to get publicity and to be noticed for his first solo album. It hadn't been easy for any of them, and it most certainly hadn't been easy, sitting on Harry's bed with Liam, Louis and Niall listening to mind of mine and a few offensive songs about made up drama between them that never actually took place.
Zayn is way too quiet at the end of the line, even his chords stopped.
"I'm really joking, mate." Harry assures. "Look." He adds and requests a FaceTime, which is immediately accepted, Zayn appearing on his phone screen with a guitar and Khai in his lap.
"Hellooo." Harry waves her and she giggles into her father's sleeve.
"We talked about it, it was really just a joke. Pay back for making fun of my very emotional song."
Zayn laughs again at that and Harry grins successfully, setting his phone against a bottle of water to use both hands.
"Are you baking again?"
"Yep. Lou's birthday."
"Right." Zayn takes a breath. "Have you talked about this thing yet?"
Harry stops his movements and sets the baking tools down. "No."
After what happened in the forest, every time the topic came across Louis successfully brushed it off and they never had this conversation.
Zayn hums. "But you want to have the talk." He asks, saying it more like a statement.
"Um, yes I think so."
Harry doesn't know what he wants.
He wants to be free, wants to out himself and wants to confirm his relationship with Louis more than anything after living and loving in the shadows for so long now.
He would never want to do anything Louis is uncomfortable with, but they talked about an outing so many times and Louis always whined about how much he just wants to claim Harry as his publicly when they couldn't.
But now they can and still don't do it.
Harry just needs an answer why.
"The only solution I see there is talking to him. Initiate the conversation." Zayn says, fiddling with Khai's t-shirt absentmindedly.
"You're such a shitty advice-giver since you're a dad." Harry remarks and Zayn laughs, kissing his daughter on the forehead cutely, scrunching his nose right after.
"Right, it's definitely time for a bath, bebz." He says, gently lifting her up from his lap and standing up as well, grabbing the phone.
"I need to go, you talk to Louis, byeeee."
Harry can't even answer, because Zayn already ended the call, smiling cheekily into the selfie camera.
"Wanker." He mumbles under his breath but his smile betrays him.
Harry makes a plan to confront Louis about their problem while finishing the cake and calls him mum while it's in the oven.
He hasn't talked to her properly in longer than he likes to admit.
***
"Hey, love." Louis smiles, looking up as Harry enters their rooms.
"Hey." He mumbles and throws himself onto the bed Louis sits on with his song writing journal in his lap. Louis immediately puts away his journal to wrap his arms around Harry.
Harry just sighs and curls up into Louis' body.
Louis groans a second later dramatically.
"What's wrong." Harry asks into his jumper.
"I'm dying." Louis mumbles.
"No, you're not."
"I am. Slowly, from the inside. With everything. I already feel the dementia creeping into my brain, I feel my hair falling out. I'm slowly withering and dying."
"Lou, you're only turning thirty, no big surprise since that's usually what happens after being twenty-nine for a year."
"You can say that easily, with your young beauty. I'm turning fucking thirty and that means I have to spy on neighbors now and eat loudly and that we can only have sweet sex with the lights off and I have to small talk with people about how England has gone to the dogs, because I'm an old man."
Harry laughs at that. "First of all, you're not old, second of all, you already eat loudly and tell everyone how England has gone to the dogs, and third of all, we can still have rough sex with the lights on. I don't mind to see your grey hair while you fuck me." He jokes.
Louis groans again and throws his head against the pillow behind him.
"I feel so old."
When Harry doesn't say anything, he lifts his head up again to peak at Harry through one opened eye.
"What's up with you, you were a bit off when you came in, sorry I didn't ask sooner."
"It's okay, you were too busy being weird." Harry jokes and Louis smiles.
"No seriously, what's wrong?"
Harry shrugs, making Louis' smile fall and his eyes turn serious as he inspects Harry's face closely.
Harry sighs.
"I just wonder why," He lifts his head and looks Louis in the eyes, seeing deep inside the blue that Louis already knows what Harry wonders.
"Why you don't want to talk about an outing."
Louis sighs and bites his bottom lip. "I don't-" He cuts himself off, running a hand through his hair and Harry entangles his legs from him, sitting up.
"I don't want to push you or anything. It's just- You always said that you want to tell the world and stuff." His voice gets quieter and he lets his head hang low, looking at where he fiddles with his fingers in his lap, curls hanging in his eyesight.
"And I do." Louis says quickly, putting a finger gently under Harry's chin and lifting his head up again to look at him. "I really do want to tell everyone that I love you."
"Then why aren't we?"
Louis clicks his tongue. "I don't know, Haz. I guess I'm scared."
The sentence leaves his mouth sounding like a question. Like he doesn't know what he wants himself.
"We've waited so long and now we can tell everyone, nobody is there to stop us and that just scares me. You know, ever since I can think of, we've been so controlled in everything we do so having so many options now and possibilities what to do with our love, I just can't handle this all at once."
Harry nods, lips pressed into a thin line as he tries to understand.
"But, it's been three months now." He says quietly.
He thought it would be better the day the contract ended. That all of their problems would be solved with the snap of a finger. He knows that was selfish and childish and naive to think but he doesn't really understand why they still have this problem.
Why they locked themselves in this birdcage after the door had already been open.
They still hide, Harry can't kiss him in the middle of the street, hell he can't even walk a street with Louis. He can't post selfies and he can't tweet about how horrible Louis' pancakes are. Louis doesn't want him to and that tightens something in his chest uncomfortably.
"I know, I had plenty of time to think about everything now but I couldn't. I don't know why I haven't come to terms with it myself until now. I'm sorry, Harry, truly."
Harry furrows his brows at that. "You don't have to apologize."
"I do, because with not knowing what I want, I'm stopping you again."
Harry doesn't say anything.
Because it actually isn't a lie. Harry would've come out months ago if Louis had wanted to as well. He doesn't want to blame him for anything, but he won't lie and say it's not Louis' fault either.
"See." Louis rubs his hands over his eyes and gets up.
"Where are you going?" Harry says alarmed, getting up as well.
"I need to think about this."
"What." Harry reaches for Louis' hand to keep him near.
"Alone."
"No. Nonononono. Don't you dare run away from me again because of the same thing."
He won't let that happen, not after what happened last time they had this argument.
"I need to find an answer for myself. For you." Louis says, kissing Harry's cheek gently. Painfully gently.
"No." Harry says forcefully, pulling away to stare into Louis' eyes, his own already filling with tears as he has horrible flashbacks. "You have to stay, because you promised."
"I'll come back." Louis says, squeezing Harry's hand. "I need to go to London to plan the last bits of the festival anyway and I'll take this time to think about everything. Then when we see each other again, I'll have a solution for you. For us."
He kisses Harry's lips once again, brushing a few strands of his curls behind his ear, probably without even noticing and when Harry opens his eyes again, he's gone.
***
Harry is having a crisis.
"What's stopping us?" He asks Niall, Taylor and Lizzo a day later without having heard a word from Louis.
They sit in Harry's room, Lizzo laying on the bed eating grapes, Taylor standing at the window and looking down on the grounds and Niall sitting on a chair behind Harry, who sits on the floor, trying to braid Harry's hair.
He fails, because Harry's hair is way too short for that also also because Niall simply can't braid hair.
"I mean." Harry runs his hands over his face.
He is so, so exhausted.
Exhausted of being pushed away, back into the cage that is denial and lies.
Being pushed back inside by Louis.
"We are free, right? There is nobody forbidding us to come out."
Taylor nods slowly, walking over to him and sitting down next to Harry. Niall moves over and starts braiding her hair, which is much easier.
"We got everything we ever wanted. Still, we can't be free."
"You see." Taylor starts. "It's new for him. You know, he just told the press that he broke up with Eleanor and now all these chances are a bit overwhelming for him, you know?"
Harry sighs. "Yeah, you're right." He hates it, but she is right. A few years ago Harry stopped caring about other people's opinions completely, he just needs to remind himself that it isn't that easy for other people. That Louis might also be scared of being judged. Harry can't blame him, since Simon and literally everyone they worked with told them it's wrong and it doesn't work and eventually they kind of started to believe that themselves.
"I just- I don't want to hide a second longer. And now this fight is tearing us apart again. Had us fighting again. I hate it."
"I know." Taylor sighs, rubbing his back soothingly.
"Just call him tomorrow first thing in the morning and sing him Happy Birthday with your gorgeous voice." Lizzo says. "And then when you see him in person before the show, you can make up, make out and stuff."
Niall laughs hysterically.
"Sorry, just a funny sound that's been going viral on tiktok." He excuses himself as Taylor and Harry send him concerned looks.
"Sounds like a plan, huh." Lizzo says, proud of her idea and leans back against Harry's pillows.
****
A/N
holy shit now.
things are going down again? what? and only one more chapter to go? really? why is the author doing this? okay yea bye