Author's Note: Thank you for reaching this far. Rigor and Czarina's story has finally come to an end. I am happy to share this journey with you.
Thank you, langga.
-
"Rigor! You're home!" Tita Sidra squealed as soon as she spotted me. I smiled widely at her. The woman immediately engulfed me into a hug, and I bury myself at the comfort of her familiar scent.
She smells like home.
"How long are you staying here?"
"Pagkatapos po manganak ni Kenna,"
"Here to see your niece and nephew, huh?" she wiggled her brows playfully and led me to the car. I dragged my suitcase behind me and followed her.
Thyron pleaded me to come home, just this once. I've been in Baltimore for almost two years now and not once had I dozed myself into a goodnight's sleep ever since I left her.
The thought that she is here, back in the country, is hunting me. My heart lurches forward in my chest. What if I run across her? What if I see her again? How is she? Is she doing well? Is she eating properly?
Two years seemed like a small hitch of time for many people, but it is an eternity to a grieving heart. Sometimes, I still hear her calling me in her softest voice, and I would wake up weeping.
I started taking the sleeping pills again, but this time, it didn't work.
"Tangina, kinakabahan ako," Thyron paced back and forth in the corridors of the hospital. I leaned against the door and watched him with a weary look. This idiot woke me up in the middle of the night when Kenna went to labor. He seemed very worried. And now that she's actually giving birth to his children inside, he won't even step in.
"Just go inside, Thyron." I said sharply. "Kenna needs you."
His face contorted in sadness beyond recognition. Tumigil na siya sa pabalik-balik niya at bumuntong-hininga.
"Ayaw niya akong makita."
Kumunot ang noo ko.
"Are you still fighting?"
Thyron licked his lower lip nervously. There is something he's not telling me. I know the two of them got into a fight but I never realized that it was this serious.
"She's leaving right after giving birth to the twins," his own voice is a choking sound, a declaration of his misery. "She doesn't even care about their names." Each cold word that rolled from his mouth is making his eyes swell with tears.
I remained quiet, trying to understand, sympathize. I stop my lips from thinning in disapproval.
We remained silent after that. One of the nurses opened the door after half an hour and gestured for us to come inside. I could hear the babies' cry. Thyron quickly stepped inside and burst into silent tears when he saw his son and daughter for the first time. Kenna is silent with exhaustion, her eyes shut and her lips tight. Ni hindi man lang niya binalingan ang mag-aama.
While everyone is gushing about the cute twins, she laid there, covered with sweat and blood. Thyron couldn't even look at her. I silently dragged the hem of the blanket to cover her. Kenna flinched, as if she's ready for a strike. She gave me an exhausted smile and slowly closed her eyes.
"Gusto niyo po bang hawakan si baby boy?" nakangiting tanong sa akin ng isang nurse. Thyron is already holding the girl, so I nodded and took him.
He felt so soft and delicate under my skin. His movements are tiny and careless with his eyes still shut.
"His name is Franco," Thyron proudly says, a little too loud for Kenna to hear. "And this is Freuss."
I touched the tip of his nose, just to feel something. Seeing him makes me feel so emotional. I know it's just wishful thinking, and would probably never happen to me now that I've lost her. But I am curious, will I ever feel even a fraction of happiness that Thyron feels about becoming a father?
I could almost picture it in my mind—a young boy with forest eyes, running around the house. Someone to play basketball with or to go fishing with. Or whatever it is that interests him. I don't care, as long as he's happy. He can be whover he wants, do whatever he wants. A clingy bean, with voice as soft as his mother's and a touch that feels like home.
My short-lived fantasy came crushing down on me when my gaze moved from the boy to his mother.
It just wouldn't be my reality if it isn't with Czarina.
My eyes fill. With my shoulders stopping with the burden of grief, I returned Franco to his father and exited the hospital room. Out of desperation, I hurriedly went to my car and drove to Czarina's old apartment.
Of course, she wasn't there. I was a fool to hope that when I left, she will be where exactly I had left her. That she'll be waiting for me with open arms and her gentle smile.
Tumitig ako sa saradong pinto at bumuntong-hininga.
The 'FOR RENT' sign glares at me with accusation. I leaned my head against the steering wheel of my car, trying to remember her scent, her laugh, her hair, her everything.
This is the most painful part about grief—you think about the person every day while you start losing memories of her.
A shiver passes through me. I could barely walk with the grief hanging heavily like Atlas holding up the world on his shoulders for all eternity. Only her could take away this punishment. Only her could grant me my redemption.
Tangina, bakit ako bumitaw?
The broken look on her face when we parted ways hunts me like a nightmare. Just when I thought I've memorized all of her, it was a shock to see her like that. Para akong dinudurog sa tuwing naaalala ko kung paano niya pinipigilan ang luha at ang nanginginig na labi.
"Remember Cathy from Sta. Veronica?" Thyron said one time while we were video-calling. He's not facing the camera, and I can see him changing the diapers of his son.
"Yeah?" I answered lazily while looking out in the sun. I'm alone in my studio in Baltimore, and just when I thought I am immune to loneliness, this morning is especially sorrowful for some unknown reason.
"She's a model now!" Thyron ranted, though his voice is slowly drifting into the wind with my busy mind. "Na-realize niya siguro na hindi para sa kaniya ang volleyball!" humalakhak pa siya. "You should follow her on Instagram, bro. I think she's still into you."
I rolled my eyes and insisted to see his son instead of his stupid face. Binuhat ni Thyron si Franco at ihinarap sa camera. He is getting bigger and stronger, with sharp eyes from his mother. The rosy-fingered Freuss is sleeping peacefully in the background. Both of them heavily took features from Kenna. Walang kamukha si Thyron sa dalawa. Kenna may have left him already, but in more ways than one, she will always be with Thyron.
After the call ended, Thyron sent me the link of her Instagram profile. Inignora ko ito at sa halip ay tinangkang hanapin ang account ni Czarina. She blocked me when we broke up, and even with a dummy account, I couldn't search her profile. Maybe she really deleted her account.
I have no idea what she's doing right now or how she looks like. Her image is vivid in my mind, with fiery eyes dark and seductive and fierce—as she always is. I quickly grabbed my brush and with desperation fueling the veins of my arms, I started to paint her. For the nth time.
Right. I realized something while I was tracing the familiar almond shape of her eyes. Today is her birthday. Kaya pala ako nagkakaganito.
The exhibition kept me busy for the following year. It was a blur of sleepless nights locked up in my studio, painting abstracts after abstract. I inhaled the chemical of the paint regularly, and it reached the point when I could no longer smell anything but the xylene.
I kept her self-portraits to myself. No one is ever allowed to walk into my studio without my permission and the public knows I only paint abstract works. I thought I'd give her the honor of exclusive self-portraits that no one should know about.
Life became surreal after that. My entire life revolved around the chromes and crimson, the blue's and the black's until I didn't even realized that I reached the pinnacle of success. All I know back then is that I am displaying my most intimate and ethereal emotions onto the canvas for all the world to see. I only allowed myself to be vulnerable in my painting.
So, when I saw her standing right in front of my painting at the Art Wright House, my heart stopped. She is svelte and sophisticated just as I remembered her. Her eyes reflected the hues and blend of the exact emotions I am trying to portray when she left me—sorrow.
"It's so rare to find someone who have a deeper relationship with the art than the artist himself, don't you think?" my voice sounded thick and hoarse while my entire body is aching to touch her.
"Good to see you again, cherié."
I stepped forward to her. Shock and confusion are evident on her angelic face. Hindi ko na rin nagawang pigilan ang sarili. To stop myself from shaking, I planted a palm against the wall to support myself. Her lips parted, and an inevitable chuckle left my throat. Every cell in my body is pulsing with anticipation as I reached for her collarbone, just to convince myself that she is real and I am not dreaming.
I'm back. And she's here.
"Rigor..."
Her sultry voice lingered the air, caressing my ears. It's been years since a woman gave me fucking goose bumps with just her voice. Czarina's eyes are soulful, looking at me as if she'd seen a ghost.
I smiled. The five years changed her a lot. Czarina isn't a product of old or new money but she carried the elegance of a woman who had the world at her fingertips.
Well, she has me at her fingertips. I'm pretty sure those big doe eyes are aware of it. She's always been a stunner and just when I thought she couldn't be any more beautiful than the last time I saw her, she proved me wrong once again.
We measured each other in silence. I didn't try to hide longing in my eyes, the desire to touch her, and the way my entire body aches with just her presence.
Patingin-tingin ako sa kaniya habang kinakausap ako ng lalaking nagpakilala bilang si Mr. Abad. She kept avoiding my gaze and biting her lip. When she sensed the discomfort of being ignored, she quietly excused herself and walked away from us.
I quickly ended the conversation with the man without caring if I sounded rude and followed her outside. Pasakay na sana siya ng sasakyan nang maabutan ko.
"Are you avoiding me?"
"Bakit kita iiwasan, ha? Napaka-assuming mo naman." Suplada nitong sagot sa akin.
I bit back a grin. God, I missed her so much.
"Good. Fancy a dinner with me tonight?"
Her eyes were lit with surprise at my boldness, but I couldn't risk losing her again. I wasn't expecting anything when I came back to the country, and her, standing in front of my painting after not having communication for five long years should be considered a fucking miracle.
"Hindi na. May naghihintay sa akin..." medyo alanganin niyang sagot.
Para akong sinuntok sa dibdib sa sinabi niya. I tried to get my shit together, harshly reminding myself that during those five long years, I could be in agony while she's already moved on. It's not fair to pressure her into reciprocating my feelings back to her especially if she's carried on with her life. Wala siyang obligasyon sa akin.
"How about tomorrow, then?"
Umiling siya. Her mouth moved but before she could speak, the fucking phone starts ringing. Umatras siya palayo sa akin at sinagot ang tawag.
Hindi sinasadyang nasulyapan ko ang screen ng phone niya.
Who the fuck is Kyros?
Iyon ang naging huling usapan namin dahil kaagad siyang umalis. Nagmamadali. I don't even know this Kyros guy but I already hate him so much. Napalunok ako at bigong umuwi sa hotel room.
I called Elton the next day. He's quite busy with his tour but he still answered. Tinanong ko sa kaniya kung may balita ba siya kay Czarina, knowing that he's been staying here in the country longer than I was.
"I know where she lives," I could hear him smirking from the other line.
"Let's go."
"Let's go?" humalakhak si Elton. "Dude, I'm busy. Go and find her yourself. I still have-"
"You have a date with Halsey, right? Let's have a double date."
Tumahimik bigla si Elton, tinitimbang ang sinabi ko.
"I know you don't want Stormie seeing you alone with her, Elton. Come on, man." Pang-uusig ko pa.
"Fine, fine."
It was my turn to smirk. Everyone in the family knows that the only way to tame Elton is to use the S-word. Stormie. Uto-uto kasi ang gago pagdating sa kaniya.
"Dude, you're right." I said in amusement when we reached her house. Nasa labas siya at nagdidilig ng halaman. She looked so out of place, but still in-charge. Her eyes widened in realization when she saw it was me.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
Nice.
"Dito ka nakatira?" I scanned the mansion and dragged my gaze back to her. I was so worried about her when I left, knowing her ill-fated relationship with her mother and her frequent financial problems. It was such a huge sigh of relief to see that she's doing well.
"Rigor, you have to leave."
Siniko ko ang pinsan para magsalita naman. He stared out at Czarina and politely smiled.
"Hello, Czarina." the bastard gave her a million-dollar smile. Heat crept up to her cheeks which irritated me. Nagsisisi tuloy akong siniko ko pa si Elton. Sana naging anino nalang siya d'yan.
"We're here to invite you to dinner."
While we were persuading her, my gaze spotted a young boy pushing the big doors open with his tiny hands. I opened my mouth to speak, but Czarina is ranting about how it's disrespectful to come here all of a sudden and invite her to dinner.
The boy called to her. Czarina's face went pale. My heart pounded heavily against my ribs, surprised by the sudden jolt I felt upon hearing his voice.
Somehow, he looked and sounded so familiar to me.
"She has a kid," komento ni Elton habang nagmamaneho kami pabalik sa Manila.
Tahimik ako sa shotgun seat, pilit na iniintindi ang nangyari. She looked so scared earlier so I kept my mouth shut and didn't mention the child.
But I saw him. I definitely saw him.
I took in a pained breath. Is this the reason why she's so determined to avoid me? Is she married to someone else already? What if I'm trying to ruin their family? I would never forgive myself if that's the case.
But if she's raising the kid alone...
"Hindi ko alam na may anak pala siya," dagdag naman ni Elton. Sinilip niya ang mukha ko. "Anong gagawin mo?"
I shrugged.
Hindi ko alam. If she's already married, I would step away in peace. Hinding-hindi ako manggugulo sa pamilya niya. I made a vow to myself that she will always be my muse no matter what happens.
But if she's alone with a kid, I'll father the child without hesitation. That is, if she'll accept me again...
"Who the hell is Kyros?" uminit ulit ang dugo ko nang mabanggit na naman niya ang pangalan ng lalaking iyon pagkatapos ng dinner namin. She was asking for Elton's autograph and apparently this Kyros guy wants it.
"You don't know him."
I took a sharp breath. If I ever find out that this is the guy who knocked her off and who's bossing her around into raising the kid and getting someone else's autograph for him, I will strangle the man with my bare hands.
Before, I didn't mind the paparazzi spreading unsolicited photos of me on the internet. I'd often spot myself in gossip columns being linked with different girls. Sometimes, I didn't even meet the girl they speculated that I'm "dating". Those were just highly-skilled photoshops.
Now that I'm seeing Czarina in the very same gossip page where I'm a favorite subject, my blood boiled deep into my chest. I immediately called someone to find out the writer of the article and the photographer so they pay the prize of publishing her face on the media.
"I lost my fucking job because of you!"
Her face is red with anger. Guilt immediately washed over me upon seeing her. I didn't know what it was about, but I was willing to help her in any way I can when I saw her devastated face.
"I need an assistant, a secretary."
I lied. I didn't need an assistant or a secretary. I can handle the paperwork just fine with my virtual assistant. But I was willing to give her everything just to compensate for what happened.
When she accepted, I was really happy. I was overthinking that maybe she'd reject my offer because I was too bold, too aggressive. But when she actually took the job, I was in cloud nine.
I stared long and deep into her eyes. Hers used to be so sweet and gentle, so full of love despite witnessing the brutality of the world. But now, her eyes are wary, hungry, and restless. She must've been through a lot. It must have been hard. Offering her a job is the least I can do.
"Did you even miss me?"
Nahihirapan akong huminga habang hinihintay ang sagot niya. She didn't speak. She just stared at me, swallowing. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin dahil parang sinusuntok ang puso ko sa inaakto niya.
"Bakit hindi mo nalang itanong sa kaniya? Tinutulak mo pa ako kay Shantel," reklamo ni Thyron while braiding Freuss' hair. Nakasimangot ang bata at striktang ini-inspeksyon kung tama ba ang ginagawa ni Thyron sa buhok niya.
"Just do me a favor, okay?"
"Whatever."
In the end, Shantel called and scolded me. I badly want to know what happened to her, but she wouldn't say anything.
"It's not my story to tell, Rigor." she said firmly.
"I know. I'm sorry."
"Look, now that she's working for you, just treat her nicely, okay? She's been through... a lot. Give her a break."
And I intend to. I want to lift the pressure from her when she's with me. I gave her all the perks and benefits that a regular employer would frown upon. Special treatment na ang binibigay ko sa kaniya dahil sa ngayon, ito lang talaga ang kaya kong ibigay hangga't hindi pa siya handang tanggapin ako.
I reached for my pocket and took out the emerald ring that I bought at an auction in Baltimore. It used to belong to a famous actress who died because of cancer. She was known for dressing so humbly that the public were shocked with the number of jewels—rubies, emeralds, and gold in her possession. The limited-edition dresses of exclusive designers, bags that were sold for millions attracted thousands of filthy rich women and their husbands at the auction.
It was love at first sight—the emerald ring. A delicate octagon in true vintage, made to adorn the delicate fingers of a woman. I didn't even know if I'm going to see her again but I still went to bid the ring and got it for $35,000. It dented my savings, but the image of Czarina wearing it was so pleasant that it made me smile for the first time in grueling, winter months. It was worth it.
Huminga ako nang malalim. I don't want to rush her. We've just seen each other for so long. I don't want to scare her away with a ring, especially now that I'm not sure if she's really with a man or not.
"I stopped painting."
I felt the pain with each word that rolled from her mouth. Czarina was and still is a talented artist. It's one of the reasons why I fell in love with her. She's so good in translating her feelings into chromes and hues. If she reached the point where she had to put down her paintbrush, then something must've really happened to her.
How bad was it? How hard was it for her?
Even with the knowledge that she might have a kid, I never mentioned it to her. Gusto kong siya mismo ang magsabi sa akin, kung komportable man siya. She's really guarded now, as if the entire world betrayed her. Me, included. I want her to know that she's safe with me and I'm ready to help her anytime she wants.
A string of profanities left my mouth when I stepped into my ruined studio one morning. I walked past the broken canvases and spilled paint, eager to reach the secret vault where I stored her paintings. Napahinga ako nang maluwag nang makitang hindi ito nabuksan ng kung sinumang tarantadong nanloob sa studio.
I called the police and reported the incident, then went downstairs to check the CCTV in the security room.
"Can you zoom it?"
"Yes po, sir." the male technician clicked something and zoomed the intruder's face in multiple screens.
I sighed.
It's Max.
He must know by now that I'm seeing Czarina. I can't believe the petty bastard still haven't done something about his anger management issues. Now he's pulling dirty works under the table because he has a badge to protect.
Let's see until when you can wear that police uniform, you fucking jerk.
Palalampasin ko ang ginawa niya pero sa oras na guluhin niya si Czarina, there will be no reservations for my pent-up anger and hatred towards him. The gods may frown. I don't care. Even if he touches as much as a strand of her hair, I'll kill him.
Kita ko sa mukha ni Czarina ang pag-aalala nang maabutan niya ang studio sa ganung kalagayan. I tried to make it look like I wasn't worrying about it when in fact, I am murdering Max over and over again in my mind.
The exhibit didn't even bother me. I've pulled sleepless nights in Baltimore just to extend the pleasure of stroking different colors unto a blank canvas. It wasn't much of a problem for me. But Czarina is panicking. And a panicking Czarina looks so cute so I humored her for a while before assuring her that I got everything under control.
We organized the paintings that got shipped here. Namamanghang itinuro ni Czarina ang Perserva. She must've recognized it. It is one of my most famous paintings though in my own opinion, I think it got overhyped. I wanted to get rid of it but I also want to make sure it lands in good hands.
"It won an award." She said, her eyes gleaming. I was staring at her and imagining her standing in the same stage with her own piece and her own award. She deserves to experience it. "Are you sure...?"
I didn't know what it came over me but her, standing in my office with dreamy eyes and soft lips broke all the chains of reservation and self-restraint.
I kissed her. I risked losing her again with my reckless action but I'd be lying if I say it wasn't worth it. She's always worth the risk. Feeling her lips pressed against mine—hot and burning and passionate—is one of the reasons I feel so alive. She makes me feel as if this life is still worth carrying on.
On the day of the exhibit, I couldn't even focus because I keep on looking at her. She was wearing a red off-shoulder when I first met her and right then, I decided that I like my women in red. Her, looking so strikingly beautiful in that red dress made my heart skip.
Fuck. She always makes me question myself if I really deserve her.
I wasn't the only one who appreciated her, of course. But each hungry male gaze thrown to her direction is met with a hard look from mine, indicating that she is off limits. Pinulupot ko ang kamay sa baywang niya habang papasok kami sa Wright Art House.
"May nangyari ba? Si Castian?"
Bakas ang pag-aalala sa boses niya kanina habang may kausap siya sa cellphone at hindi iyon mawala sa isipan ko. Castian... she sounded really worried about him. Is that the name of her kid? Or is that the second name of that bastard Kyros? I'd rather be it the former. She can't kiss me senseless while worrying another man, could she? I know we still haven't talked about our relationship but Czarina can't be that heartless.
Nawala rin naman ang pag-aalala ko nang makitang nage-enjoy siya sa exhibit. She looked so in-charge and confident while talking to potential buyers, expertly marketing my paintings with calculated words and a sweet smile. If I were the buyer, I wouldn't be able to resist her. She talks as if the painting is her baby, and I loved her for that.
Hindi ako nagsisising naging sekretarya ko siya.
When the show ended, we drove to the hotel for the reception. I gave her a pair of slippers when I saw that her feet are hurting from her heels.
Ever since we broke up, I reflected a lot on how a terrible boyfriend I was to her. I missed out on so many things and I only realized it when she was gone. I never noticed her feet aching, or her resistance to orange-scented car fresheners. She was abandoned and neglected by her mother, leading her to doubt the people's motives with her. She needs to be assured and loved and convinced that she's enough.
I never noticed any of it before. I was an insensitive jerk.
It's funny how the fog lifts when a relationship ends and you see all of your shortcomings that led to the end of it all.
I bought the slippers years ago and it remained in my car... just in case. I was still hoping I could have her back and I could treat her better than before. I changed the scent of my car freshener. I bought the ring to give her the assurance that she needs and deserves.
Sinundan ko siya papasok sa hotel. We walked casually towards the reception desk to confirm the function hall.
"Red looks good on you..." hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko. She looked shocked, as if she hasn't been complimented by a man for a very long time. It made me feel good. "You look stunning tonight, cheriê."
"Nambola ka pa-"
"Mommy!"
Pareho kaming napalingon nang biglang may tumawag sa kaniya. A little boy is running towards her with tear-stained cheeks and red eyes. He almost tripped while dashing towards his mother, his tiny arms barely reaching to grab her thighs.
"Mommy..."
I froze and stared at him. Nagpabalik-balik ang tingin ko mula sa kaniya patungo kay Czarina. The horrified expression on her face, the young boy's familiar face and voice.
I finally saw him close for the first time and something clicked in me.
"My name's Castian. Mommy, look! We have the same eyes!"
A shaky breath escaped from my lips. I clenched and unclenched my fists, trying to calm myself.
It may be a gift or a curse, but I'd recognize Czarina even if we die and meet again in another life just like how I'd recognize my own son.
This is my son. Castian is my son.
The betrayal is thick in my throat as it rose. I stepped away from her for a moment just to pick pieces of myself on the floor. I never imagined that when I left for Baltimore, I walked away from both Czarina and our baby.
I can't believe this.
"Rigor..." rinig ko ang pagsusumamo sa boses ni Czarina.
I blinked back the unshed tears and swallowed. "You have a son," nahihirapan kong wika.
Is he mine?
I wanted to confront her right then and there, pero pinigilan ko ang sarili. Inilayo ko muna ang sarili sa kaniya habang iniisip kung ano ba talaga ang nangyari.
"He's y-yours..."
When she started crying in front of me, declaring that Castian is really my son, I felt my heart breaking into pieces. Ipinikit ko nang mariin ang mga mata, pilit pinipigilan ang pagtakas ng hagulhol dulot ng ilang taong hindi ko siya nakasama.
What was his first word? When did he learn how to walk? Does he like playing games? Does he have a cat? A hobby? How does he look like when sleeping at night?
My legs felt weak. I've never been so happy and sad my entire life. I'm the happiest, knowing that I have a son like him. But this is also the saddest night, knowing that it must've been painful for him growing up without a father.
"I want to meet Castian today,"
"He's going to love you..."
Hindi ko mapigilan ang pag-usbong ng kaba sa dibdib. I've never felt so nervous before. I stood before thousands of people, displaying my art but it didn't bother me one bit.
Now that I'm standing in front of a young boy with the same green eyes... I felt so vulnerable.
"I was waiting! I waited so long..." parang dinudurog ang puso ko sa mga iyak ni Castian. I hugged him tightly, letting him bleed my shirt with his tears.
He probably can't tell the effect he has on me because he is too young, but Castian is now my whole world.
I wasn't able to become a good boyfriend to Czarina before, but I promise to be a good husband to her and a good father to Castian.
"You're going to propose?!" halos mabingi ako sa lakas ng boses ni Thyron. Silver's ears perked up like a cat. "Dude, kahapon lang kayo nagkakilala ng anak mo!"
"I don't care," I frowned, staring at the emerald ring in my fingers. I let the tip of my finger slide across the shiny cut, trying to capture the sharpness of this previous stone. "We have a son already, Thyron."
"So? Si Kenna nga dalawa ang iniwan kay Kuya, wala naman akong nakitang nagpakasal sila," sabat ni Silver.
Siningkitan siya ng mga mat ani Thyron. "Alam mo, ikaw, badtrip ka. Ano nga ulit ang ginagawa mo dito? Usapang lalaki to, eh."
"I can't imagine what you've done to Kenna to make her hate you this much. You are such a master at being an idiot, Kuya."
Hindi siya sinagot ni Thyron at binalingan ako.
"So, you're going to propose?"
"I'm still trying to find the right timing..." I sighed.
My birthday is fast approaching and I invited Czarina and my son to my party. Tita Sidra cried when I told her about Castian. Dad just nodded and told me to put a ring on her finger, being the traditional man that he is. Blake shook his head and muttered something under his breath.
It wasn't the reaction that I was expecting from them, but I felt relieved knowing that they finally know about Castian. I don't want him to feel out of place from his own family.
"How's Castian, Rigor?" tanong sa akin ni Tita Sidra isang gabi nang maabutan niya akong mag-isang umiinom sa terrace.
Bigla akong nahiya sa kaniya nang makita niya ang alak. She's not a big fan of liquor. I scratched the back of my neck.
"Sorry, Tita. I thought you were sleeping."
"How can I sleep when I know that a wonderful, Treveron boy is coming to our home?" she smiled warmly and pointed to the chair across me. "Can I sit?"
Tumango ako at inusog ang bote ng alak pero bago pa man ay pinigilan niya ang kamay ko.
"I want to drink."
"Tita..." I glanced nervously at the doorway. Baka mamaya ako pa ang mapagalitan ni Tito Anton kapag nakita niyang ka-inuman ko ang asawa niya na wala namang okasyon.
"It's okay. It's been a while since I've had alcohol. I could use a little."
I sighed and poured her some. May bakas pa rin ng ngiti ang mukha niyang nakatingin sa akin.
"So, how's Castian?"
"He's such a good boy, Tita," I said emotionally. "Czarina did such a good job in raising him even if she was alone."
"That's a relief. I was worried the child would resent you for disappearing for the first five years of his life."
Naalala ko ang iyak ni Castian nung una kaming magkita. Instead of lashing at me for leaving him alone, he was asking why I left his mother, not him. He wasn't just thinking about himself, and even though I felt really bad about it, I feel so proud of him for thinking this way.
"Rigor," Tita Sidra said softly. "Life is funny just like this, right? When you first came back, your eyes were dead with sorrow and longing. But now..." she looked at me proudly as if I'm her son. "You have so much love in you and it's so contagious. I'm proud of you."
Tears spilled from my eyes. It could be the alcohol, or her words. I've never had a mother my entire life except for Tita Sidra. Her comforting words assured me that even if I messed up, I could still do better. I still have a chance to give Castian the family that he deserves.
"Let's give him a family where he can feel safe, Czarina." I said to her one night while we were in bed, pressed against each other.
She stared at me with tender eyes. Dahan-dahan siyang tumango.
"Yeah, let's give him that."
Tulo nang tulo ang mga luha ko habang hawak-hawak si Czarina. We were both soaked with her pool of blood, crying into each other's arms.
"We're still going raise Castian together, Czarina," I reminded her with shaky breath. I couldn't almost understand myself. The anger, grief, and fear of losing her again flashed before my eyes. "You can't do this to me."
I was unaware of my surroundings, but I heard noises. Heavy footsteps, angry voices, men thirsty for blood. All I could think about is Czarina. When another deafening gunshot echoed throughout the parking lot and a body made a thud into the ground, I lifted my gaze.
Max has fallen.
"Nanlaban," was all the police officer said before putting his gun away and marching towards his dead body.
It wasn't how I want him to end. I want him to suffer and wished he'd never live. Dying from a simple gunshot isn't enough payment for all he's done to me and my family.
Violent vendetta also means nothing to me. Not when the woman I love the most is gasping for her last breath in my arms.
"Where's the fucking ambulance?!" I yelled through my tears.
Hawak-hawak ko ang kamay niya sa loob ng ambulansiya hanggang sa makarating kami sa ospital. She'd doze in and out of consciousness. One of the responders injected something to her and installed her in an oxygen tank. When we reached the hospital, one of the nurses pushed me away from entering the operating room.
I collapsed on the floor, bleeding, crying.
"Kailangan po naming gamutin ang mga sugat mo," mahinahong tugon ng nurse sa akin.
"I'm staying here."
She glanced at the digital notification on top of the closed doors and back to me again.
"They will be finished in 3 hours. For now, let me help you with your wounds."
"I'm not moving here until I see her again."
She stared at me hardly, then sighed. "At least give me your family's number. You're not in the right mental state to call them."
It must've been the longest three hours of my life. Sometime while I was waiting outside the operating room, Tita Sidra and Thyron arrived. They forced me to get my wounds cleaned but I wouldn't budge. I almost punched Thyron in the face. Napabuntong-hininga si Tita Sidra at hinayaan na din ako.
When the doors finally opened, I dashed to the nurses and doctors pushing out her bed. She's still in an oxygen and looked really pale.
The doctor pressed a palm against my chest before I could touch her.
"If you really want to see her again, keep your distance. She's still in a vulnerable state. But I'm happy to tell you that we've successfully removed the bullet and aside from a liver laceration, she's going o be okay."
Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili. I kneeled down in front of him, crying. Inalo ako ni Tita Sidra habang si Thyron naman ang patuloy na kumausap sa doctor. She finally convinced me to have my wounds treated.
I felt so numb. I almost didn't survive the cold fear of death, wrapping its fingers around me. it wasn't my own death that I'm afraid of. It was her's. I don't know if I could survive handling it once again.
I stayed by her side the entire night. Ni hindi ako makatulog dahil nag-aabang ako ng kahit kaunting galaw mula sa kaniya. I want to be there when she finally wakes up even if the doctor said firmly that she's expected to be unconscious for at least 16 hours.
"Rigor..."
My heart swelled when she opened her eyes the following day, her small voice struggling to cut through the thick plastic around her mouth. Her eyes were panicking for a minute, looking around until she found mine.
"Hey," my voice broke, pressing a palm gently against her cheek. Hindi ko napigilan ang sariling umiyak sa ibabaw niya. "You're awake now."
She nodded gently, trying to reach me. Inabot ko ang kamay niya. I gently kissed her hand. Gusto ko siyang yakapin at halikan pero hindi pa pwede.
"You shouldn't have done that, Czarina. You shouldn't have taken the bullet for me. Tangina, ako ang lalaki dito, eh." I cried.
She was crying too. I wiped her tears away and tried to calm myself. Kasalanan ko. I went back to the mall to buy the dress for her. I've already arranged it. Tita Sidra will be watching over Castian for the day. A yacht has been reserved for a dinner date. Czarina will be wearing that dress and I'm going to... propose.
It was all perfect inside my head until Max decided to ruin everything.
"I'm sorry..." I whispered, stroking her hair. Then suddenly, it struck me. The weight of the ring felt heavy inside the pocket of my jeans. I haven't showered or changed my clothes since yesterday. Hinubad ko lang ang jacket na namantsahan ng dugo. I dug the ring out and desperately looked at her.
I can't wait for the perfect timing again. Every second is perfect timing.
"Czarina..." my voice is hoarse so I leaned closer while showing her the ring. Her eyes were wide before it turned into slits and tears started to spill. "I'm not going to wait for another perfect moment again. This has to be now. I want to raise Castian with you for the rest of my life. I want to sleep next to you in my bed, wash your hair in the morning, and placed my slippers next to you in the doorway. I want to create a good life with you. Marry me, please."
Tears were streaming down her face and even with the tubes and the oxygen masks and the hospital gown, she looked extremely beautiful when she nodded her head yes.
"I love you..." I whispered while inserting the ring into her finger. Pinatakan ko ng halik ang noo niya.
A life, a wife, and an adorable son. A man should never be this lucky. This cruel world was never designed for happy endings but with her, anything is possible.
"Rigor..."
Nag-angat ako ng tingin at nakitang nakangiting naglalakad patungo sa akin si Czarina. I instantly put my brush away and welcomed her in my arms. I saw mischief in her eyes when she sat on my lap and wrapped her arms around my neck.
"Ang layo pa ng Sunday date night," she sighed into my chest.
"We can have a date anytime you want," I told her quickly.
Nag-angat siya ng tingin at nginitian ako. When we got married three years ago, we made a vow to spend Sundays on a date. Even if it's at home or we eat outside. It's a tradition, even though we still sleep in the same bed every night and spend the mornings with our son.
"Really?" her eyes sparkled.
"Yes," I said, staring at her. I went to the studio early in the morning today and skipped my morning jog because an idea struck me and I couldn't let it go. She's the first person I saw today and my day is already better.
"Well..." she pouted and looked away, giggling.
"What is it?"
She scooted closer to me, the closest she could ever have. "I have something to tell you." She whispered like a kid.
"Yes?" I patiently said.
"I..." she trailed off and leaned away, smiling naughtily at me again. Czarina bit her lower lips. Napangiti kaagad ako. I don't even care what she's going to say. She's blessing me with her presence early in the morning and I couldn't ask for more. "I think Castian will be a kuya soon."
Or so I thought.
Bumagsak ang paintbrush mula sa kamay ko habang hindi ako makapaniwalang nakatingin sa kaniya. Czarina looked worried for a second, but when she saw a tear fell from my eyes, her expression changed.
"Rigor..."
"Oh, God..." I hugged her rather harshly, trying to convince myself that this is realy. This morning is not a product of my imagination. She is not a fragment of my fantasy. Her words are true to hear. "Czarina, God, you made me so fucking happy..."
She giggled and hugged me back. Nakabaon ang ulo ko sa leeg niya habang pilit na kinukumbinse ang sarili kong totoo nga ang nangyayari. When we pull away, I searched for her lips and kissed her passionately.
She deserves to be kissed like a woman, a mother carrying a life in her womb, a wife any man would dream. Czarina would make an unbelieving; cynical man settle in marriage. Unfortunately for them, she is mine and mine alone.
"I love you so much..." I whispered when we pulled apart. Her eyes fluttered open.
Her hair tumbled over her shoulders as she laughed, the blossom soft lips that carried the good news to my studio moved in elegance. I could stare at her forever. I would die for this woman. The mother of my children, the fire of my spirit, the light of our home. A pair of arched brows looked down on sweeping eyelashes, and I fall in love with her once again.
I get so high in euphoria with my wife, and there is nothing else I could ask in this world. I've seen enough. The rest of my life is dedicated to her and our family alone.
This is what should love should feel like, I thought inside my head while my fingers are busy skimming under her blouse to celebrate our newfound joy. Love should be freeing yet you feel contented.
Czarina Saorsie Treveron is my definition of euphoria. Even the poets would agree. The artists would feel inspired. She enthralled me not just by her face, but also her soul. I would take a thousand bullets for her if it means another lifetime to be spent with her. Even in another body, my soul will ache and look for her in this world. She is an expert in making a man feel the very essence of joie de vivré, he will never trade this life for any luxuries in the world.
She is mine to love and I am hers to nurture.
With her, I can do anything.
She is the muse of my life.
-
#HanmariamBFLFinale