TRIGGER WARNING - References to SA and extreme violence
ROARA
I watched as everyone came up to me and said goodbye. They were all suited up, armed to the teeth, ready to fight Cog and Wheel in England. Bucky was one of the last.
I watched as he came up to me and took my hands in his. "I was wrong." He said quietly. "I do love you. You're one of the people I care about most in this world. And I can't... I can't bare to see you like this. Whatever happens today, I'm going to do it for you."
I wanted to scream out to him, to tell him I'm still here, but my body didn't react. I was looking out at myself, as though I wasn't in my body. I was sat on my chair, a crayon and paper on my desk. I'd drawn a flower. I wanted to tell him not to go, to stay with me, to stay out of danger. It was no use. I watched my hand touch his face and smile.
"I like your hair." My voice didn't even sound like my own.
"I like yours." He replied, wiping a tear from his eyes. "I'll see you soon Roara." He got up and left.
The last person into my room was Alina. She crouched down in front of me.
"They're going down Roara. I promise. I'm going to take them down. For you, for me, for everyone they've ever hurt or killed. I'm going to end every last one of them." She placed a kiss on my forehead. "I'm going to give you this, okay, it'll keep you safe." She pulled the necklace off her neck, the one I had given her, and placed it over my head, adjusting it on my chest. "Don't take it off, okay?"
"Okay." I replied.
"Promise me?"
My body nodded. "I promise."
She kissed my forehead once more and left hastily. As she left she touched the arm of the man waiting at my door. "Look after her Bridges. If anything happens to her, I'll kill you."
"I know." He said. The door shut behind Alina.
Simon Bridges turned to me. "I'm going to give them a minute to leave." He told me. "And then we can chat."
I felt my mind trying to grasp onto everything that was happening. I wanted to move my legs but I couldn't. The girl below me, the girl who looked like me, my body, didn't say anything. She was Roara. I was... just a consciousness. I didn't know who I was. Bridges walked towards her, and put a hand on her shoulder.
My entire body was suddenly on fire, and I was back inside myself. I gasped for air, standing up and stumbling around, grabbing onto Bridges for support.
"Get the others back here," I said desperately, "please, I'm here, it's me. I need to talk to them."
"Oh, I know." He grinned.
"What?" I asked, letting go.
"Oh Roara, Roara, Roara." Simon shook his head. "I thought you were smart."
"What are you talking about, I need the others back here, something's going on with me, I need to talk to them." I begged, searching through my things for my phone. "Have you seen my phone? I need my phone."
"Oh, this phone?" He held up my mobile. "You don't need this." He threw it onto the ground and stomped on it. I could hear the crunch of the electrical parts in it breaking.
"What the hell man!" I screamed. "That's my phone!"
"Oh my god." The young man started laughing. "You really are stupid, aren't you?"
"What the fuck is going on here Simon!" I yelled, running to my closet, flicking through my clothes to find my suit.
"Roara, calm down." He sighed. "Please?"
"Shut up!" I yelled at him. "You've fucked up enough."
"Jesus." I heard him walk towards me, and then felt a hand on my shoulder.
It was the most painful sensation I'd ever felt. It was worse than bringing Loki back from the brink of death, worse than either of the times I'd been shot, worse than being stabbed, worse than being burned, worse than anything in my entire life. I could feel myself being ripped out of my body, as though my entire being was being torn in two. And then I was standing beside myself, looking at... well looking at Roara.
"That's much better." Simon grinned. "Sit." He tapped the bed.
My physical body followed his command. I, on the other hand, took a few steps back, looking at him and me.
"Now Roara." He said, looking straight at me. Not my body, not the Roara sat on my bed, but me, the me that didn't actually exist. I looked down at myself. I was transparent, like a ghost, I could see my desk and chair through my stomach. I looked back up. "Yes, I can see you."
I tried to scream, but no sounds were coming out.
"You're not actually standing there. It's all a little complicated. Essentially you're locked away in the back of your mind, but I've allowed you to roam free a little. What I've done, Roara, is control your mind. Now right now you're able to know the difference between this," he gestured to my body, "and this." He gestured to me. "But I could just as easily control your mind in a way that you wouldn't even know it. Turn you against your friends, make you leave the building. I can leave you with the memories of what you've done under my control, or I can take them away. It's entirely my choice."
I really wanted to scream now. I wanted to collapse, but I didn't have any control over my physical body.
"What you're in right now, it's similar to an astral form, but it's actually not. It's more like a shadow of yourself."
Whatever I was, a shadow, a ghost, I fell to my knees. I looked up at my physical body, my face smiling and complacent.
"However if I do this." He slapped my physical body across the face. My shadow body was flung sideways, my face stinging painfully. "You can still feel it."
I was trapped. I was trapped. He'd trapped me. I was in a prison of my own mind. This wasn't like depression, this was, this was entirely different.
"So, you might have been wondering recently why you've been losing track of time. Well it's because I've been practicing how you work as a puppet. Everyone's different, you see, everyone. It gets a bit of getting used to."
I listened in horrified silence.
"You're probably wondering what sorts of things I can do when you're under my control and you can remember it. Well I can get you to kiss me, dance with me, become overly angry at your friends, even, well even decide you like me a little bit."
The night of the party. I'd danced with him. I'd kissed him. That had been my choice though, stupid choices, but I'd made them. I had. I knew I had. Or... or had I? When I'd come back from Vanahiem, for some reason, I'd decided I didn't hate him. Why? Because he'd been nice? Was that really it? Had that been me... or had it all been him? All this time?
Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.
"I'm going to bring you back now." He pulled his S.H.I.E.L.D issued gun out of it's holster and held it next to my head. "And you're going to be quiet while we chat. Alright?" He tapped my shoulder.
I slammed back into myself, my body burning. I looked at him, complete terror taking over my mind. The metal tip of the gun was cold against the side of my head.
"What did you do to me?" I whispered.
"Oh, well I locked away your memories for one thing. It's much easier to do that when someone is already depressed, but I can progress the depression much faster. What else?" He thought for a second. "Oh yeah, I took away your powers."
My eyes widened. "I thought that was because I left earth."
"It was, but that wouldn't take away your powers altogether. As I'm sure you recalled, the longer you remained off earth the weaker they became, but they didn't leave altogether. Even right at the end you were able to use your persuasion. It was only once you'd come back to earth that you were no longer able to use them at all. Your body doesn't heal at the rate it would normally. That, that was all me baby. All me." He smiled that boyish smile. "Cool, isn't it?"
"You..." I paused, a memory resurfacing, "you were the person who Loki and I heard come into Maria Hill's office. That was your voice. You're part of the Ascendency."
He snorted, the gun moving slightly against my head as he did so, "It took you this long to figure that out? Good god, that was months ago. I have to say using your persuasion like that was very clever, but I was able to shake it off not long after."
"You're the mole." I whispered. "It's been you, all along. You cut my parachute. You found the names and addresses of all the girls. You've been the reason I've been drinking."
"Actually, that was you. Never seen that behaviour before, it was as though you were fighting back. By poisoning your body with alcohol, you made it harder for me to control you. I was a little impressed honestly." He shrugged.
My mind was racing. Were the others walking into a trap? Would they be okay? They were out in full force, they were some of the best fighters on the earth.
"Are you going to kill me?" I asked, my voice no longer quiet. It was confident, defiant. My head was held up high. If this was how I was to go, I wouldn't do it as a coward.
"You're so much more useful alive, but I could." He pushed the barrel of the gun harder against my head, making me flinch. "Also you're a rather good kisser, so it would be nice to keep you around. I can get a taste anytime I like."
"You're disgusting." I spat.
"Yada yada, do you think I really care what you think?" His grey eyes pierced mine in a glare.
"The others are going to take you down. They're going to destroy you."
He threw his head back and laughed. "Really? With you by my side, we'll be unstoppable. They'd never kill me if it meant going through you first."
"You'll never be able to do that." I hissed.
"Oh really?" He laughed.
I got up, and was surprised by the way he didn't follow me with his gun. Staring at him defiantly I did a backflip. I stood there, panting.
"You see?" He said.
"I did that on purpose to... to..." I couldn't finish my sentence. Why had I done that?
"You did it because I made you. I made you want to do it. While it's happening you'll never know the difference between what's you and what's me. In fact I didn't even need to have this conversation with you. I could have just poisoned your mind into joining me and the Ascendency."
"So why haven't you?" I snarled.
"I thought it would be fun to play with my food." He shrugged.
Enough was enough. I ran towards him, going for the gun. Before I could reach him there was a loud bang. I looked down at my chest. Crimson blood began to flower over my shirt. I looked up at him as I fell to the floor, hands going to my chest, my breathing rapid and terrified. I was going to bleed out. I pressed my hands to the bullet hole in my chest and watched as blood pooled around me.
Simon stood over me, the gun pointed at my head. "Do you want to die Roara Woodson?"
"I'd rather die," I choked out, my breathing ragged, "than join you and betray my family."
"Oh princess." He knelt down beside me and stroked my cheek with his gun. "You'd never know what you were doing."
He slapped me across my face, and I felt the sting, but I also felt... power. Just pure power, inundating every sense I possessed. Fire burst from my hands, vines wrapped themselves around my bed, rain poured from the ceiling, wind howled around the room. I watched as the hole in my chest closed up.
"What the hell are you doing?" I screamed, lifting my blood and flame covered hands off my body to look at the hole in my shirt.
"This isn't me." He said, his blonde hair sticking to his forehead from the rain. "This is you Roara. You're healing yourself, you're doing all of this!" He had to shout above the wind.
He slapped my across the face again and the wind stopped, the rain stopped, the vines withered and died, the fire in my hands faded.
"Just long enough to make sure you don't die." He shrugged.
"Oh yeah?" I asked. In one swift movement I grabbed the knife I kept in my shoe and plunged it into my chest.
I wasn't going to betray my friends, even if it meant dying. Even if it meant never seeing them again. Even if it meant never telling Loki that I loved him. It was in that moment, as the blood leaked out of my chest around my own knife, that I realised that. I loved him. I loved him. I never wanted to be without him. I needed him, I needed him to annoy me, I needed him to make me laugh, I needed him to hold me and cry with me and kiss me. I needed him to love me. I needed him. I needed Loki.
That was what I regretted the most as Simon cursed, looking at the knife sticking out of me, and the room began to go dark. I regretted most never telling him. Never kissing him. Never feeling those soft lips against my own and having him say something stupid and making me laugh mid-kiss, or shouting insults at him and grabbing him and pressing my mouth to his, or stealing a kiss mid battle. I'd never tell him. And he'd never know.
"You fucking idiot bitch!" Simon screamed, pulling me back into reality.
I laughed, blood spilling out of my mouth. "Bet you didn't see that one coming, huh?"
He pulled the knife out of me and stabbed me with it again. I screamed in pain, legs convulsing on the floor. He stabbed me again. I screamed louder, the blood in my mouth making me choke. I turned to the side and coughed out blood. He stabbed me in the back. I crawled to the foot of my bed. I felt the knife go into me again, this time in the back of my thigh.
With a yell I grabbed the sword Loki had given me from under my bed and staggered up, one hand holding the sword out, the other pressed to my wounds in my chest. I could feel the blood draining out of me, my body turning cold, my head going dizzy.
"Oh my god, really?" He asked.
"MOTHER!" I screamed. "HELP ME!"
"Really?" He asked. "Really like that's going to-"
I fell to the floor, but didn't hit the ground, instead I hit something soft. I could smell grass and dirt. Grass? I lifted my head up. I was in a meadow.
"Oh dear Roara." A female voice said from above me. "What the hell have you done this time?"