I believe that there must be a reason
It's too latе, too late,
Oh, not too late,
Find the light to facе someday.
- ateez, not too late.
•••
"and for the final step, we destroy him."
rain is pouring down heavily as San looks outside of the window in the dimly-lit room he's in. he feels sick to his stomach, and his fingers twitch very often. he longs for one of his members, for the comfort their presence bring. but he's stuck here alone waiting for the private detective who's taking his sweet time to appear.
his mind wanders to all of the events from the last few hours, and he feels something heavy being lifted off of his shoulders. his father has been arrested upon the tip anonymously given to the police department with all the evidence they had gathered, and upon hearing the news through TV the group of eight jumped in the air and engulfed each other into a hug. San couldn't believe the words he had heard, nor did his mind process them up until now. he could hear the laughter and happiness of others and he felt happy too, but his happiness was limited as he just couldn't believe it's true.
then San has been called into the investigation department as the only relative to the man, and Gyuknim made sure that he finds the best detective beforehand, making sure he won't spell anything to the public eye about the violence San has gone through. but he also wanted to make sure he gets punished for what he did to the poor boy.
San looks up upon hearing the door open, and in walks a tall man with an intimidating aurora. he doesn't look like someone you should mess with, with sharp black eyes and black hair with an undercut. his shirt's sleeves are folded up and his khaki pants look crisp and fit him perfectly. San eyes him silently as the man walks in with two cups, placing one in front of San.
"my apologies for being late," his voice is deep, but calming in a sense. "i was talking to Gyuk-ssi. a very nice man, may i say."
San nods.
"i hope you like coffee, i thought you'd need one to pass through this heavy session," his eyes look sympathetic and San takes the cup into his hands, enjoying how warm it is against his cold skin. "my name's Jeon Wonwoo, but you can call me whatever you're comfortable with."
"ok."
"so— Sanssi, tell me everything, from the start please, and don't leave any detail out."
the man holds a clipboard and a pencil and places a black-framed glasses on his face. San takes a deep breath, willing his mind to calm down as he starts to spill his sob story to detective Wonwoo.
"snow has melted, let's go out and play!" Wooyoung says one sunny day at the end of march, bouncing excitedly as he looks at his unamused hyungs. "seriously guys, c'mon! we can go to the han river and ride bikes and eat gimbap rolls!"
"i'm coming," San raises his hand from where he's sitting on the couch, attempting to braid Yunho's long hair. "only for the gimbap though, i can't ride bikes."
"yess!" Wooyoung fists the air. "one down, six to go! c'mon y'all, don't be boringgggg!"
it takes Wooyoung around half an hour to push his lazy members out of their seats and into their shoes. they message their manager about going out and he wishes them luck, saying that he won't be able to go with them because he has a date.
"i wonder if she's cute," Yunho rubs his chin as they sit on the bus. "i mean, like, i don't even know his taste."
San slaps the male's shoulder. "stop being a perv! she's our manager's girlfriend."
"that sounds weird," Mingi cackles from his seat behind them.
they soon reach the han river and the sun feels amazing against San's skin. he smiles as he opens his arms wide and looks at the sky with closed eyes.
"c'mon cinderella stop daydreaming, we have gimbap waiting for us!" Wooyoung hooks his arm into San's opened one and drags him down the road, making the older whine.
"you mood-breaker! i was sun-bathing, my skin won't get tanned because of you!"
Wooyoung snorts, letting go of his arm only to wrap his arm around his shoulders with a big grin. "as if you would get tanned just by standing in the middle of the street with a purple hoodie."
San pouts and pushes the boy away slightly, but he only clings to him even more.
it doesn't revolt San, Wooyoung's touch that is. for the last two months he's been getting a lot of therapy sessions with Yazil, they became daily at some point, and it helped him straighten his mind and way of thinking about skinship, although he still feels iffy some days and would cry whenever someone would go near him, it's getting better. he doesn't push them away as he used to, nor does he try to hide when he's feeling down anymore.
he usually goes to Seonghwa and hugs him when he feels bad, especially at the times when his demons claw at his mind and scream and shatter him apart, his go-to place is always Seonghwa's embrace, and Seonghwa always accepts him with opened arms and sweet words until he calms down and falls asleep. sometimes he would go seek Wooyoung if Seonghwa's busy, but Wooyoung is more likely going to scold him for feeling like that, try to get it into his head that he's worthy, hug him tightly for hours, and then plan with him for how they're going to prank their hyungs next.
Mingi is sometimes of some help too, he's always there when San has a panic attack, which didn't happen often that last month, and he would always talk San out of his mind.
Yunho, Hongjoong, Yeosang, and Jongho, however, are more of the we're here but subtly kind of people. San knows they don't know how to deal with panic attacks and all but they try to be of help in some other aspects. Yeosang would take him out to their favourite pizza restaurant to eat behind the manager's back (yes that place they sung at once. they still do sometimes when they feel like it). Hongjoong always gives the best advices and sometimes he takes San to his studio and shows him how he produces songs, to which San would always sit there fascinated with big sparkly eyes as he would watch his hyung's fingers play over the piano keyboard and produce overwhelmingly sweet melodies. Yunho is the party type of guy, he always waits until the others are asleep and then he sneaks himself and San to the livingroom with snacks and warm drinks and blankets to have movie marathons. he calls that the ultimate partying. whilst Jongho, who's always awkward when it comes to comforting others, tries to go to San with his unfinished homework to get help whenever he senses the other is feeling down, hoping it would take his mind off of things. and it does. it really does, and San's grateful for him.
"ahh!" San cries as he falls off the bike for the third time. "i hate this! i can't even move from my place! yah— Jung Wooyoung stop laughing!"
Wooyoung cackles even more as he helps San back onto the bike, Yunho on the other side tying a helmet to San's head.
"wear this or you'll lose your brains!"
"that is if you all have brains anyways," Hongjoong mutters from where he's watching them beneath a tree.
"hyung! we do! stop insulting our lovely brains!"
it takes San two hours to manage to ride the bike properly, and when he does, he doesn't know how to stop it.
"how the fuck do i stop?!" he screams as Yunho and Mingi chase after him, trying to stop him but he's going too fast. he lefts his legs from the pedals and into the air in his panic, and suddenly the bike goes unsteady and he screams as he falls down. Wooyoung's elmo-like laughter can be heard all across the place.
"uhhh, i think i broke my arm," San cries out as Mingi helps him, his eyes have turned into crescents from how hard he's laughing. "seriously stop laughing at me, i'm never riding bikes again!"
but ten minutes later he's yet again flying with his bike not able to control it, crying loudly as the others watch him tiredly. they've spent too much energy speeding after him the whole morning.
"CHOI SAN FUCKING PRESS THE BRAKES!"
San's eyes widen in realisation as he wraps his fingers around the brakes and pull tightly. alas he chose the brakes for the front wheel and he goes tumbling upwards. he groans as he's yet again thrown to the ground forcefully.
"guys, i hate bikes! i want gimbap~" he whines as he pulls the bike back to the group of friends snacking on gimbap and laughing at his defeated face. "did you buy some for me?"
Wooyoung throws a bag at him and he lets go of that dreaded bike and sits down next to them on the red and white checkered blanket they bought from their dorm.
"honestly watching you fall like that will always be iconic!" Mingi says between mouthfuls of his roll. "like— imagine us famous and having loads of fans and then we put that on twitter or something. that'll be the talk of the year!"
San throws an empty bag at him. "shut up, giant."
that day they laugh until they're in tears, and as they walk home because they stayed out after the buses closing time (eating barbecue and celebrating being alive as Mingi said), San locks that memory into the safest part of his heart along with the other memories he made with his family. because together they're a family.
march blends into april and before they know it may is around the corner.
today CEO gyuk has ordered the eight members to join him in his office, and as the members enter the room, they all gasp at the tickets he's holding out.
there's two different kinds of tickets in his hands, amusement park ones, and flight ones.
"take a seat and let me explain."
they all do, Wooyoung and Mingi already bouncing and Hongjoong wearing a big surprised face.
"so, you guys mentioned those training institutes in LA a few times, you also talk about lotte world a lot. so.."
"Gyuknim— you didn't just—"
"i bought tickets to both places," he grins as he puts the tickets on the table and pushes them forward towards them, Mingi quickly runs to take them and goes back to the others, eyes unbelieving.
"the amusement park is a gift for all of your hardworking so far," he explains, "and the LA ones, well, you guys will debut pretty soon, so going to train in America will help you all with the professionalism aspect."
"d-debut soon?" Seonghwa raises a brow in surprise. "really?"
"yes," he smiles again. "i think it's safe to say that you'll be prepared enough to debut once you come back from America and work on your first album together with Eden."
San can't believe what he's hearing, his life the past few months have been like a dream coming true, but this, this sounds too good to be true.
after they're dismissed to go celebrate, the CEO asks San to stay a little longer.
"so, about your father."
San stiffens, looking up at the CEO with wavering eyes. he hasn't heard about him in a while.
"he has been sentenced to life in prison," he announces with a soft smile. "and all the kids he had under his teeth have been freed and appointed to see therapists to help fix what can be fixed in them, they were also able to find families for some and the others were put into an orphanage that they made sure wasn't ruled by an evil person."
San exhales sharply, a small smile painting his face. "can i go see them one day?"
"of course you can!" the CEO immediately agrees. "i think you'd love the little kids."
San nods with a smile. he's happy.
Jeongin looks over the moon. he's debuted five months ago and San couldn't be happier for him now seeing his great success and how the boy's literary glowing.
"i'm glad you were able to make it this far," San says as they snack on some chips in front of the han river. "i told you you would be just fine, see?"
"yes, hyungie!" Jeongin beams, "you should meet my members one day, i always tell them stories about how Kind you are."
"kind?" San snorts, "me?"
"mhm!" his face is stuffed. he swallows quickly. "you were always there listening to me in that ugly alley, and you never said no to me even when i wanted to audition for KQ and you didn't have the slightest interest in that. you were my piller hyung, my lifeline."
San smiles, "you know i didn't realise how important you were to me until the day you disappeared. you were really my pillar too, In-ah."
Jeongin smiles as he wiggles his legs. "look at how far we both came, you're going to America and then you'll debut, and i already debuted and have an amazing family with great supportive fans. i never dreamed of anything more than a roof, but look at where we are."
San ruffles Jeongin's hair fondly. "we made it, In-ah, after everything, we finally made it."
Lotte world is full of wonderful things to see and do, and San can't be happier as he forces Wooyoung to try all the dangerous rides with him, screaming and wiggling his hands as Wooyoung shouts creative profanities. he also eats everything at every stall with Mingi and Yunho, even though his stomach can't really handle all that food, but he keeps going. at the booths, he admires a purple teddy bear and Jongho notices and pulls his sleeves up, pretending to be strong as he takes a gun to shoot the glasses.
they end up staying at the same booth for half an hour, trying to get that teddy bear but failing.
"sir, you only hit one bottle out of three—" the male behind the booth shuts his mouth immediately once Hongjoong subtly moves a few bills towards him, whispering give me the damn bear. the man immediately snatches the money and puts the plushie on the table. "here's your price, congratulations!"
San's then handed the bear, and he hugs it tightly as they continue to commence on the amusement park to try all the different games.
that day too, is a happy day that San never wants to forget.
two days before their flight to America San finds himself locked in the bathroom and staring at the mirror, tears pouring down his eyes and hands shaking.
he feels the need to do it, to hurt himself somehow to stop the mental pain. he had a nightmare earlier and now he can't stop the screaming inside his head. he crumbles to the floor and holds his head in his hands and cries out at the angry voices tearing him apart.
useless.
worthless.
you think they love you?!
you're no more than just a toy!
people only want to play games with you..
YOU'RE NOTHING!
"please stop!" San pleads as he starts to pull at his hair, his legs trembling and his fingers shaking.
there's a knock on the door that sounds louder than it is in reality, making San flinch back as he hugs himself tighter.
"breathe in, darling— yes, you're doing great."
it's a vanilla-like voice, a soft contrast to the harsh voice clawing at his insides. he feels a hand grab his and he wants to push it away and fight back but he's weak, too weak to do anything.
but the hand is soft and the person rubs circles into his knuckles and San finally opens his eyes to see Seonghwa looking at him with concerned eyes. he didn't realise the man was massaging his head softly until now.
a tear falls down his face as he hides it into his legs, trying to regulate his breathing. but Seonghwa never leaves, he stays with him the whole night, keeps holding his hand and calming him down until he falls asleep and then he carries him to his bed and tucks him in.
Yeosang holds San's hand as the plane takes off, and San doesn't know how to feel as he looks out of the small window. should he feel scared to be on his first flight? maybe happy? he doesn't know, but once they make it into the air and the clouds of the night sky meet his eyes and he sees the shimmering stars, he feels his heart swell with happiness.
"Yeosang, look! the stars are so pretty!"
Yeosang smiles softly and films San's face sticking to the window and tracing over the stars they pass by for their KQ Fellaz vlogs that they've been assigned to film.
when they land, San is as excited as Wooyoung to be on a foreign country whilst the rest look as tired as ever from all the travelling.
on the next few days the group walks about in the big city and try different restaurants, and it makes San feel giddy every time they're on a new restaurant and he orders something new. his hyungs are also always eager to feed him— or more like stuff him up.
"i love burgers," San concludes one day as they're eating burgers outside of their training institute before practice commences, making Yunho chuckle at his messy state and Seonghwa immediately pulls a tissue to wipe the ketchup splotched all over his face.
"how do you even eat the cucumbers on them," Wooyoung whines as he pulls out yet another pickled cucumber. "they're nightmares disguised as vegetables!"
San shrugs, "all veggies are if you ask me."
listening to their debut song makes all the eight members tear up. it's beautiful, something they didn't know they were capable of doing. Eden, who has been their vocal couch slash friend slash producer for a while now smiles proudly at them as the boys listen to the final song.
they've originally planned to make two songs as their debut tracks, but after a poll they did on twitter, Pirate king was chosen.
but to be honest, San likes Treasure more, because it reminds him of his treause, the seven boys who saved his life, who he would be nothing without. they're everything to him, and he wants to thank them everyday, and that's why San helped Eden write a song in the album called stay, and Eden plays the song right after pirate king is over.
everyone is silent as they listen to the demo version of the song they didn't know was done yet— it wasn't complete, the rap parts empty and the chorus needs some more work, but the lyrics and who sings the song precisely captures their attention. they turn to San as the song is about over, and it's safe to say everyone's crying.
"he helped me write it," Eden says, "was pretty keen on writing most lyrics himself— so it's more like i helped him write the lyrics."
and then San's crushed into a big hug from the members who are all crying now and holding him tightly, and San grins as he wraps his arms around the members and lets himself drown into their love.
"thank you guys for being my home," he whispers as Wooyoung wraps his arms tighter around his middle, with Jongho crushing him on the other side.
on their debut day everyone's nervous as they wait backstage. Wooyoung's going over his parts a million times, Yunho is helping Hongjoong remember the moves, Seonghwa is still seated with a makeup artist doing his hair, and Yeosang is trying to relax but is unable to as he's too nervous anyways.
even Mingi wears a nervous smile next to a shaky San, but he holds his hand anyways and offers him a big smile to calm him down.
"we'll rip that stage apart," Mingi says, though San can feel him shaking next to him too. "we'll be called monster rookies."
"we will!" Wooyoung cheers as he does the moves to his main point again, "and i will be called a sexy performer!"
San snorts, "you wish! i'll be called the cutie who turns into a devil on stage!"
"devil? with those dimples? dream on Choi!" Yeosang chuckles.
and then they're being called in for standby. Hongjoong gathers them around and they all put their feet forward to do their own made up moves.
Hongjoong looks at them in the eyes, "are you ready guys?"
they all smile, nodding excitedly yet nervously.
"1,2,3–"
"EIGHT MAKES ONE TEAM!"
and even if everything's not perfect yet, even if some days are worse than the others, even if they mess up at some point, San is happy. and he will be as long as he has those seven amazing people next to him.
because eight makes one team. it makes one big family.
San smiles as Mingi takes his hand as they're ushered onto the stage, to a new beginning full of wonder and adventures, but San isn't worried about the future, because he will always have his family next to him to support him through every moment in his life.
San has found a family to call his own, people who will always love him under no condition, and who he will love for infinite and what's beyond.
San found home.
-THE END-