Cleo
Christmas week came.
It was December 21st and we were all on our way to big bear in the van that we had arranged.
It was big enough to fit about half of our group, so we had to get two just so everyone could be able to go.
In the van that I was in, I was with Chase, Charli, Avani, Anthony, Mila, Ryland, and Vinnie. It was weird for the simple fact that we were in a van with nothing but couples and then there's me and my ex boyfriend sitting all the way in the back right next to each other.
I knew this was done on purpose, they wanted us to speak and learn to be cordial, which we've been trying to be but every time I see him he has those two bracelets on with my nickname that I just can't stop staring at and it makes me think of simpler and happy times.
But no matter what I was feeling, I knew I needed to protect my heart.
Everyone in the van was asleep except for me and Vinnie who were up on our phones distracting ourselves from each other.
The ride to big bear from where we were was around 3 and a half hours, and I was growing tired. But as we neared the snowy mountain area I grew nervous because all I could think about was the night my father passed away.
He was coming home from work and it was snowing that night. We told him he shouldn't drive home and that it'd be best to just take public transportation because at least we know he'd get home safe but he didn't listen.
And somewhere in between the last time we spoke to him, he was hit by a drunk driver who lost control of their car because of the snow.
That night, for years, seemed to replay in my head.
After that I was so sure that I hated the mere thought of snow because all I could associate it with was the night my father died. But I couldn't. I couldn't hate the thing that also reminded me of my father.
New York was infamous for their blizzards. One year, I want to say in 2010, we were home and it snowed pretty bad. The whole day I sat by the window with my dad, begging him to take me outside in the snow. His only argument was that the snow was too harsh and that it would blow my little body away and I'd never see him again.
When I look back on it, it makes me laugh because I knew he didn't want to go outside.
The whole day passed and he still was adamant on not letting me go out but then, what I call a miracle happened. At around 7pm, my dad finally took me outside. The storm wasn't letting up, but the fun that I was having was all that mattered to him.
After 2 hours of just playing in the snow, we walked to the nearest store and got us some hot chocolate before making our way back to that same little apartment that my mom lives in today...
It's the sweetest memory I have with my dad before he passed and it sucks that one of the most fondest memories I have with him is also associated with one of the most saddest days of my entire life.
"Cleo? Why're you crying? What's going on?" I hear Vinnie whisper, snapping me from my thoughts.
I'm quick to wipe my tears, facing the opposite way from him.
"Huh? I-I'm fine, it's nothing..."I say dismissively.
"Don't be like that. You're upset right now, and I know we aren't together but that doesn't mean I don't care about you. I don't wanna see you cry, so please, what's wrong."
"I... I'm just thinking about my dad. It's snowing out, and we're driving late at night. The same weather condition my dad was driving through when he died... I just hate thinking about it because everything about that night was fucking horrible for me yet I'm constantly triggered by it... just sucks." I say, my voice breaking.
We sat in a comfortable silence for a minute before Vinnie grabbed my hand, entwining our fingers.
"I understand how you're feeling and I know it's hard for you. You can't help the feelings you have, but you're allowed to feel them, no matter what. I can't say anything to make you feel better, because they won't change the past, but just know you have someone you can come to when you're down about these things, Cleo. I'm always here for you." Vinnie tells me.
A small smile played on my lips as I looked up from our entwined hands.
"Thank you... I'm sorry for crying and making you console me." I laughed to myself, but he shakes his head.
"I would've done it either way."
"I know you would've." I mumbled, laying my head against his shoulder. A wave of tiredness fell over me, as I yawned looking straight out the window.
"Go to sleep, we still have like an hour and a half left." He quietly tells me.
"I don't wanna leave you up by yourself, what if you need someone to talk to?" I questioned.
"I'll be fine. Knowing that you're here next to me and not sad is enough for me. Now sleep, I'll wake you up when we get there."
That was the last thing he said to me before I allowed the wave of sleep to take over me, closing my eyes.
-
I was woken up by the loud and dramatic sound of the van door being swung open.
I rubbed at my eyes, and stretched out my arms to feel alive but I ultimately felt drained. That hour and a half nap did absolutely nothing for my tired body.
I looked around the van and noticed that everyone was now awake, looking way more alive than me, and I envied them. "You look like shit." Chris laughed from outside the car, as he helped me out.
"Oh you're so kind." I mocked, rolling my eyes at him.
When my feet hit the ground, I turned around to pull the sides of my sweatshirt down, asking Chris to help me. During this time Vinnie was getting out of the car, and he had his eyes set on the both of us, a look of jealousy on his face.
Chris' cold hand laid flat against my back and I jumped at the feeling. "You bitch!" I laughed, turning around to him.
"Ew can you two stop flirting and lets go please. It's fucking freezing." Mila complained. "We we're not flirting, we were merely falling in love with each other just like those people from that movie you love so much." Chris tells her.
"What Allie and Noah from the notebook?"
"Yeah! That's the one." He clarified making me fake gag. "What? You all of a sudden hate love?"
"No I just hate the notebook. The ending is unrealistic, two lovers don't just die at the same time, one dies first and then the other." I shrugged, earning a scoff from Mila. "Oh please, she hates the notebook, but can sit and watch Me Before You." She said.
"Yeah because it's a good movie!"
"With a fucking horrific ending. I was ugly crying when you first made me watch it."
"So was I! I cry every time...it's just a great movie." I breathed out, once we made our way into the main lobby.
Dixie and Mila both went up to the front desk to check us all in and give us all our keys. We all had to share a room with one other person but I had yet to know who I was sharing with.
Everyone paired off, Riley and Charli, Avani and Anthony, Chase and Chris, Noah and Dixie, Mila and Ryland, leaving me and Vinnie as the last two without a key. At first, I had no reaction. I physically didn't have any emotional reaction because what was I honestly going to say? I couldn't switch with anyone else. Madi wasn't coming until tomorrow because she had shit to do, and even then she'd be rooming with Riley and Charli.
"I'm sorry, if you want I'll literally tell Ryland that I can't leave you with him by yourself and it'll just be them two sharing a room." Mila whispered to me once she saw me standing alone against the wall looking at everyone as they talked amongst themselves.
"It's fine. Who knows, maybe this'll help me learn how to be cordial with my cheating ex boyfriend?!" I joked, but it came out very unfunny. "That was dark." Mila deadpanned and I couldn't help but laugh.
"Fuck I know, I know. But I can't help it." I mumbled, taking the key from her held out hand.
"Hey! You'll be alright. Me and Rylands room is right next door to yours so if anything, you can come next door." She proposed. "Oh my, so I'm gonna head you two banging it out all night huh? I should've brought some ear plugs." I smirked, as we all pushed our way into the elevator.
"No! That isn't going to happen. We haven't done anything like that yet." She defends.
"I'm just joking Mila... but I'm sure with this trip that'll change. But just keep in mind that your best friend is next door and would not like to hear her best friends getting it on." I smiled before disappearing into the room with Vinnie following close behind me.
An awkward silence sort of filled the air now that it was just us two alone.
In the middle of the room sat two beds, one that was closer to the balcony and then the other being closer to the bathroom.
I threw my suitcase down onto the bed closer to the balcony and watched as Vinnie did the same with the opposite bed. "I probably should've asked Dixie how room situation was going to work before we came on this trip... I mean if you want I'll ask Chris if he and you can switch so you're with Chase and so it's not awkward." I say looking towards him.
He's quick to shake his head, "No! I mean, no it's fine I don't mind. Unless you're uncomfortable then I'd have no choice but to switch." He clarified.
"I don't have a problem with it as long as you don't."
"So we're fine?"
"Yes Vinnie, we are fine...Um, I'm gonna go shower, so if you need me, I'll be there." I say before locking myself in the bathroom.
I looked at myself in the mirror, pulling my hair out of the ponytail that it was in.
Stripping down, I turned the shower on, letting the hot water fall over my body. It felt amazing, having the hot droplets soak into my skin.
I don't even know how long I managed to be in the shower, but by the time I got out and got dressed, the skin on my fingers were shriveled up like raisins.
I took my folded up clothes, and brought them out to my suitcase where Vinnie was sat on the bed, his hair tied into a ponytail to the back. "I'm sorry I took so long. You can go now." I tell him.
"It's alright." He simply replied before disappearing into the bathroom.
I laid back onto my bed, and scrolled through Instagram and twitter, looking through everything that I was getting tagged in, and replying to some of the things. I continued my stroll, until Vinnie came out the bathroom with a towel hung low on his hips.
I tried to not show any emotion, so I diverted my eyes immediately.
"Forgot my underwear." I hear him say, a chuckle following.
The sound of the bathroom door shutting again allows me to let out the breathe that I'd been holding since he walked out in the towel.
He was quick to come back out, his hair slightly damp from the shower that he just took. He sat on his bed facing me, looking as if he had wanted to say something to me but I was quick to dismiss it. "Whatever you're thinking about saying, don't say it. This trip was for all of us to bond again and you know what, the two of us need it after everything that's happened."
"But I feel like shit for everything that I put you through and I can't sit here and act like it doesn't bother me and hasn't been bothering me since it happened." He tells me.
I shake my head, sitting up from my spot.
"Vinnie there's nothing you can do anymore. I forgave you, now move on."
"But I don't want to move on with anyone else, Cleo. I-." He stops his sentence halfway, not opening his mouth.
"You what?" I questioned.
"N-Nothing. It's nothing anymore."
"I'm not saying you have to move on but you have to let it go. You can't just take it back, just like I can't forget that it happened. But I forgave you so that should be enough for us both to move forward in another direction. I told you this the last time you were at my house. I care for you a lot, but as a friend. We can't just jump back into things because I don't know if I trust you Vinnie. You haven't given me a reason to trust you anymore so please understand that."
"I'm still so fucking sorry, Cleo. I've been regretting my stupid actions since they happened." He says, voice above a whispered.
"I know."
-
hi my loves :(
it's been weeks since i updated and honestly i feel so bad that I waited so long.
life has been very stressful though recently and i wasn't motivated to write anything especially when it's not my best work.
even this chapter for me isn't my best and i hate that but i wanted to update before it makes a month of me not posting.
again im so sorry that it's taken this long but I love you so much and I'm glad that so many of y'all are still here :(
i love you again, thank you for everything.
mwah 😘💖