⚠️THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS S*LF HARM AND EVEN MENTIONS OF SU*CIDE! THESE WORDS WILL NOT BE CENSORED GOING FORWARD SO CONTINUE AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!⚠️
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(Y/n) pov
I was discharged from the hospital the very next day. Thankfully I was released with the note that I had no injuries and everything was normal.
Mr. Aizawa drove me to my large house and dropped me off, not before saying goodbye with a hug.
"Ok kiddo, you can choose to go to school tomorrow if you want, but if you want a cool down you can wait a bit. Don't push yourself too hard, and remember to eat, and you don't need to do any homework you missed and-" I cut Mr. Aizawa off with another hug.
"Don't worry I'm fine! Though I don't think I'm going to pass up the opportunity to miss school tomorrow, I have a math test..." I mumbled the last bit.
"Ha," Mr. Aizawa laughed. "Ok then, don't get into trouble."
Mr. Aizawa said one last goodbye then headed back to his car and drove away. I turned to my large log cabin and sighed, "This place is too big for just one person."
I shook my head and walked up the driveway anyway. Once I reached the front door I unlocked it and closed it behind me. The smile I'd been holding immediately dropped.
I shuffled over to my bathroom, shut the door and leaned against the sink countertop, my hands twisted sideways supporting my weight. I stared at myself in the mirror. I had some dirt on my face because for some reason the hospital didn't clean me, a scar now running through my lips (which I thought looked quite badass), and my eyes... When I looked in my eyes I didn't see me. It was weird. I knew they were my own (e/c) irises staring back at me, but they didn't have that glint, that shine they did before that made me... me.
As I stared at myself I started to think about the images I'd seen, that vision I'd endured not too long ago. The belief that this was all a dream and I'd wake up in my world might as well have been the last string holding me together. But these images were like a blade and that blade cut straight through those last remaining hopes.
Before I knew it my eyes started to sting and I could feel the singe of hot tears rolling down my face. My lips started to quiver and I shattered.
I started crying, waves of thoughts crashing my mind.
'I'm really here, stuck here in this world...'
'It's not even all that great.. People get hurt... people I now care about can really die!?'
"I can't even go home because I'm stuck in some stupid coma!" I yelled out.
These negative thoughts penetrated my sanity. Somehow I managed to collect myself before a complete mental breakdown and decided to take a shower to calm my nerves.
That short burst of depression and anxiety though, I could feel it wasn't the last.
I turned on the water and the steam immediately fogged my mirror. I slowly slid off my clothes and stepped in, one foot after another.
The water was burning, practically boiling but I didn't flinch. It was weird. The pain, the pain felt good. It distracted me from everything that had happened. I let the water burn me as I continued to shower my muscles aching as I stood there silently.
Even if I cried at this point I wouldn't have known for the water was already scorching my face. 10 minutes, 30, an hour, maybe 2, I stood there without a thought in my mind. Zoned out. Forgetting my troubles.
When I finally came back I shut off the water forcefully and dried off my body. I stepped out of the shower and unfogged my mirror with my quirk. I stood in front of it and studied my figure. I noticed that there were now bruises, scars, cuts, and burns that weren't there before. Most of them didn't even make sense considering I wasn't hit there and I was on offense back at the USJ.
Then my reflection changed... instead of my (e/c) eyes staring back at me, they were replaced by a pair of brown ones. Akemi's eyes.
"Is it... terrifying?" Akemi asked me, her face soft with longing and a smile that seemed fake.
"No, I don't think so. It's the way it is, you know?" I replied, starting to tear up again. I understood her question. She meant not just the overwhelming fear of being trapped here, but the fact that the people I loved and cared about in the real world were suffering because of the condition I was in. I was causing them pain and had no way to undo it. I was utterly useless on this side of the psychological war.
"Everything must come to an end, the drip finally stops." With my words a single drop of water fell from the shower head and rang throughout the ceramic room.
"See you on the other side?" Akemi asked, her voice cracking.
"See you-" I couldn't bring myself to finish the sentence. I realized that I'd finally lost it. Whether that image was a figment of my imagination generated by insanity, or an unconscious use of my quirk it didn't matter. The fact was I was lost. Me. My mind was lost.
I remembered the feeling of the burning water on my skin and how good that pain felt. So desperately I made a knife appear in my hand.
I stared at the object, debating on whether or not I should actually do it. My hand was shaking as I held the handle of the metal object. I mean, I'd seen enough videos and movies about depression and what not to do. I've read on and watched people's stories on the pain these marks left behind. But not the psychological pain.
So I cut.
The blade met my skin and I dragged it across my bicep. The pain was soft, the actual cut didn't hurt but when the wound met with the air a mild stinging engulfed the wound. Bright red liquid began to slowly fall from the wound. The warmth from the blood felt nice. So I cut again. This time deeper and longer.
This hurt more but the pain was bearable. It felt so good. In fact it felt like it was washing away the guilt I felt. I seemed to think that this was the best option, that it was repaying the sins I'd committed. Yet though sins weren't mine to take the blame for. But I did. I blamed myself for everything that happened, the fact that I didn't help Aizawa sooner even though I knew it would happen.
Cut
The fact that I was useless when that thing attacked All Might. And most of all I came to the realization that on the first day I'd seen Izuku for real I stood by and watched.
Cut
I watched as he was told to kill himself, and he was attacked by a villain that could've killed him, and his favorite hero... told him he could never accomplish his dreams.
Cut
Izuku must've been crushed back then and I did nothing. In fact the worst part is, I left him on a rooftop. Any normal kid would've been suicidal at that point with everything he'd been through, and I left him on a fucking rooftop alone after his dream were crushed and his whole reason for being, to be a hero, was finally cemented in his bran, that it was never meant to be.
CUT
Oh how I was such a horrible human being. Such a useless, shameful, hurtful, uncompassionate, despicable person.
I hadn't realized, but now my right arm was drenched in blood... and it felt so good. However, I put down the knife and backed up away from the mirror.
I sobbed, I screamed, I cried, and I cursed at myself. Actually, I could've sworn I heard someone else yelling those insults at me instead.
My back reached the bathroom wall and I collapsed. I slid down the wall leaving a trail of red and crawled back into the fetal position.
And I blacked out.
The next time I opened my eyes I was cold. My body was shivering and I could feel wind blowing on my back.
I looked around to realize I was on a skyscraper. In Tokyo. Perfect for my needs.
Thoughts ran through my mind, thoughts I wouldn't dare share to you for your own sake.
I walked to the edge of the building and looked down. Cars whizzed by on the street, people talked happily, and I was so... so, so, so, so, so high up.
'I got here... from a coma and from what I could tell it was sudden...'
"I got here on a near death experience... So what if..." I contemplated my options. To me it felt as though fate had brought me here. I was convinced it wasn't my doing since I didn't know how I'd gotten here.
It was night, a peaceful night and the stars seemed to welcome me with open arms.
So I stepped up, my feet sticking off the edge of the building.
"What if I could go back, back by death?" My eyes were staring daggers at the ground as I readied myself.
So I took a step forward and fell.
The wind tickled my neck, my body felt weightless, and my hair felt so light. My body twisted itself into a face dive position and I opened my eyes.
I expected to see something beautiful, peaceful, but instead my eyes were hit with wind and started to water so I immediately shut them. Movie suicide scenes completely lie, you can NOT open your eyes while plunging to your death.
But despite all of that the overall feeling was great. It was surreal... peaceful...
Until some shitbags decided to start screaming from the ground. They shouted out for pros to save me, prayers, and just shrieks all over.
'Shut up...' I groan in my head as I fell.
'Just let me go home...'
"(Y/N)!" Someone shouted out my name. Someone knew who I was... and by simple deduction... the voice was young... I'm only known at UA... so they're classmates.
'Just let me die...'
"TWINKLE TOES!?"
'God damnit Bakugou... you're ruining the depressing vibe I was building up-'
I opened my eyes and twisted my body midair to face them. I saw Kirishima and Bakugou standing there amongst the civilians, their eyes wide.
"JUST LET ME DIE!" I yelled and used a quirk to accelerate my descent. I sped towards the ground getting closer and closer, the yells getting louder and louder, my eyes getting wider and wider.
'Wait... If I go back like this... it'll just cause more pain...'
But it was too late, my head made contact with the ground. I didn't feel my head split, for I was killed on impact, too fast for a thought to form to attempt a second chance at life.
Darkness
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Ok... a little chaotic... and I could very well just end my book here............
BUT OFC I WONT!
Sorry for the whole dramatic mess but it but it's mandatory! I wrote this in school so if it's bad- sorry
<3