"This is the unholiest abandoned veterinary hospital I've ever seen. I'd put the chances of seeing Canus Spectralis, ghost dog, at total max. Somebody's here. I smelled it... but the spirit world dealt it."
I lifted my head up from Benny's shoulder when I heard a loud crunching. It was coming from the other end of the couch. Rory was munching loudly on chips.
"Rory!" Ethan got his attention.
"Vampires don't even need food!" I finished.
"You know I'm a stress eater," Rory said nervously.
"Scare Finder Rule Number Eight: don't be afraid of scares."
"Doug's fearless. He's a machine designed to, like, delete fear from itself," Benny explained.
"Hey everybody! We're live outside the door of this year's Day with Doug winner. This superfan gets to hang with me and go on a scarefind in his hometown."
The person rang the doorbell on the TV; the doorbell rang here as well. I rolled my eyes as Ethan got up.
"Oh, come on!" Ethan sighed. "Who would bother us now?"
"That kid must have a crazy luck bonus. Like, a plus six!" Rory said.
"I automatically hate this jerk. He should be me and he isn't," Benny said frustratedly.
"Hey, big man! Name's Doug Falconhawk!"
I covered my mouth to keep myself from gasping. Doug Falconhawk was famous for finding the supernatural. What if he found out about me, and Ethan and Benny found out?
"Ethan. You'll never believe who won the contest." Benny raised his voice.
"Hi," Ethan said awkwardly.
~~~
"Did you turn eleven last night? What's with the juice box?" Erica walked up to Sarah and I.
"It's a new blood substitute Grandma gave us," Sarah said simply, holding up hers.
"I guess she's used to packing nerd lunches," Sarah sighed.
Erica took the box and smelled it. "Ugh! Smells like shoe. How is it?"
"Not bad. Aside from the fact that it may cause nausea, dizziness, irritability, bloating, and sleep drooling. So, I hate it," Sarah deadpanned.
"I know you think feeding on humans is wrong, but do you really want to risk bloating?" Erica motioned to her stomach as she walked away.
~~~
"Rule Number One: scares don't find themselves. But you can bring them to you, if you have the right bait," Mr. Falconhawk started as Ethan walked into class.
"What'd I miss?" Ethan asked as he sat down next to me.
"Nothing, really." I shrugged.
"A recipe for wicked ghost action!" Doug said excitedly.
"You should spike it with vervain, Doug. It also makes for a sweet vampire repellent," Benny commented. "So I've heard."
Rory fell off his chair as I looked at him curiously.
"Whoa! You're not one of them, are you, buddy?" Doug joked.
The class laughed while Benny and Ethan laughed forcibly.
Ethan got up from his seat, going over to Rory. "Hey, Rory? I bet Doug could really go for a latte. That's the kind of thing a great assistant would fetch."
"What's a latte?" Rory asked.
"I don't know. But I think a place on the other side of town has one," Ethan explained.
"Sweet! I'll find one!" Rory leaped up from his seat.
Ethan sat down next to me with a sigh of satisfaction.
~~~
"This junk tastes like a punch in the mouth, and it's kind of making me mad," Sarah snapped.
"Benny's grandma and (Y/n)'s grandma are out of town at a sorcery convention for a week. Or... however long it takes to summon a demon," Ethan explained.
"Well, I guess everyone wants me to go eat rats again! Old, rat-biter Sarah. Fine! I'll be in the graveyard eating rats like a loser!" Sarah sighed, shoving the phone to my chest.
I put it back on a regular phone call. "Sorry, Ethan. Vampires get a bit moody when they're not fed enough. I'll get her some more blood substitute when we get home," I explained.
~~~
"Sarah, why are we doing this?" I asked as we lunged at another rat.
Sarah sighed at our failure and took out a box, both of us sitting against a gravestone. Sarah attempted to put the straw in, but failed. She threw it off to the side and Erica caught it, appearing out of nowhere.
"You should recycle instead of littering in our green spaces," Erica advised.
"Sorry. This slop is making me nuts. And slow! I can't even catch a rat," Sarah explained.
"Go bug the nerd king. He can just science you up something new," Erica pointed out.
Sarah sighed, knowing it was true.
~~~
Sarah rang the doorbell, and Ethan answered.
"I need blood. Help me!" Sarah said, a mix of anger and desperation in her tone.
"Sarah. Doug's gonna see you!" Ethan squeaked.
"Oh, no. I'm paralyzed by terror," Sarah said sarcastically.
I was waiting outside when I heard Doug say "Vampire!" Sarah then ran out the door with Doug following behind her.
~~~
"This episode is gonna be awesome," Benny said as the four of us were in the van.
"This is bad," Ethan argued.
"Uh, hey, let's not say things we can't take back," Rory said.
"There's an audio feed," Benny stated.
"Okay, Makowski, we're going live with this, but it better be ratings gold. We're interrupting Biggest, Bravest Babies!"
"This is huge, Jerry. The world's first televised vampire kill. This bloodsucker's dead. Again!"
"Guys. We gotta do something," Benny said worriedly.
"Do you think Doug would... kill Sarah?" I asked nervously.
"Even if he doesn't, the whole world's gonna know she's a vampire. This town will be crawling with guys like Doug," Ethan reasoned. "Plus, spooky government scientists."
"Well, what do we do? Doug's our hero, and I don't want to use any of my arcane power to rip his soul from his mortal form."
"Yeah, good thing you're bad at magic," Rory said.
"Doug wants a show about vampires. We'll give him one." Ethan got an idea, making me smile.
~~~
"This is by far the weakest fight preparation in the history of showdowns," Benny said as I did his makeup.
"We're not gonna fight Doug. He needs to think he was wrong about what he saw, so we're gonna put on a show like something out of those Dusk novels," Ethan explained.
I looked over. "There's Sarah." I glanced back at Benny. "Go get into position," I said when I finished.
"Hey," Ethan approached Sarah.
"I'd laugh at you if I didn't want to bite someone's face off," Sarah snapped.
"Here. Put these on." I handed her her costume.
"I have my own, thanks." She held up the fake teeth.
"They need to be fake," Ethan insisted.
"Trust me," I finished. "And this." I handed her a pink trench coat.
"Is this some sort of blanket?" Sarah asked.
"With sleeves." I smiled fakely. "And here's the tiara too."
"Ethan, what are we doing?" Sarah asked.
"What geeks do best. Live action role-playing," I said as Ethan walked off.
"You've done this before?" Sarah squinted at me.
"Maybe," I mumbled.
~~~
"I've tracked down the nefarious throat-muncher into this abandoned warehouse. Clearly ground zero for local vampire activity. Well, sorry, bats, but you're not the only bird in town anymore."
There was a howl, and the camera looked up. Ethan was dressed as a werewolf and was stomping toward Doug.
"Holy cow! A werewolf!" Doug exclaimed. He looked at his crossbow. "Frozen!"
"Well done, Benny," I muttered.
"You trespass, human, on ground that is not yours," Ethan growled.
"Maybe I can gain his trust," Doug said quickly. "I'm tracking a vampire, your eternal foe!"
"You track my forbidden girlfriend?" Ethan raised his voice.
"Well, at least it's a fair fight now." Doug pointed the camera at Benny.
"I am Fangstorm, the vampire. If you have harmed my love, then I will totally... vampire... you," Benny said awkwardly.
"Bonnie prefers me. Greg, the werewolf mechanic with a good heart," Ethan argued.
"I think I've stumbled- hunted my way into a supernatural love triangle," Doug announced.
"Bonnie and I have an arranged marriage. The tradition has lasted for, like, a million years, and... it's really important," Benny said.
"Go help them." I looked at Rory.
He nodded and left. He showed up on the camera a few minutes later.
"No, stop! Stop this madness!" Sarah ran in.
"I've been tracking a vampire princess? Huh... I would have thought vampire royalty would be better dressed," Doug commented.
"I heard that, you jerk," Sarah snapped. "Fangstorm, Greg, please, don't make me choose between love and the super ancient tradition of our people."
"I, Fangstorm, challenge this... dog to a wicked spin-kick fight." Benny backed up off camera.
I jumped when Benny flew into Ethan. Rory must've thrown him. They faked fighting as Sarah ran over to him.
"I beg of you. Please, Mr. Falconhawk, you can't let them kill each other. You're the only human who could help," Sarah begged.
"Do I keep my hunter's instincts in check and play peacemaker? Or do I bag myself a vampire and write my name in the history books?" Doug questioned. "Yeah, I'll do that one."
He turned quickly to Sarah, and she kicked him hard.
"Sarah, did you have to kick him so hard?" Ethan shouted.
"Ethan! Shh!" Benny said, making me facepalm. These idiots.
"Ethan! Benny! What is this?" Doug demanded.
~~~
"I'm sorry, Doug, but when you showed up, we thought it would be awesome to be on TV," Ethan apologized.
"I was live! I'm ruined! How could you do that to a guy? I just wanted to make a fan's day," Doug questioned.
"And maybe shoot a vampire," Sarah added.
"Yeah, maybe. On camera. Instead, I get punked by a Dusk convention," Doug spat.
"Sorry, Doug. We just..." I trailed off.
"I don't know why you would want to destroy your own hero, just to get on TV! Dressing up as monsters? Rigging my camera so that this girl would show up as a vampire? Kids weren't like this before NewbieTube," Doug said. "Here, you might as well keep these worthless things." He put his wig and a bag in Benny's hands.
"All packed up, Mr. Fal..." Rory trailed off as he got out. "Fresh latte in the cup holders."
"Thanks, Rory," Doug said sincerely. "I think I need a Rule Number Eleven. Some scares aren't worth finding."
"Thanks for helping me and protecting Whitechapel's secret. You did the right thing," Sarah assured them after Doug left, looking at me with a smile. "Kinda like a hero. Oh, and I'm never being Bonnie again. No matter what."
"I'm sorry, guys," Ethan sighed.
"I can't talk right now. Everything that I ever believed in... was a wig," Benny whispered.
Doug walked back over to us. "Camper won't start. You're not a real mechanic, are you? Or was that part a lie too?" Doug asked.
Ethan shook his head sheepishly.
"Worst episode ever," Doug said before walking off again.
~~~
"Whitechapel. The boring town with a one-trophy high school and the lukewarm lattes. No scares to be found here. Only lies and pranks. And the only reason for you to visit this place is if you want to have your show canceled too."
"Well, he's not bitter at all," I snorted.
"You see that? We got on TV!" Benny reasoned.
I nodded, laying my head on Benny's shoulder. He smiled and laid his head on mine.
"But this isn't the end of Doug Falconhawk. Starting next month, I could be coming to your town and pulling a wicked prank on you and your friends! Get ready for Doug Falconhawk: Prank Blaster!"
"Nice. I can't wait to watch Doug prank-blast some chump!" Benny said excitedly.
"As long as he stays away from us."