Oh, dear Lord, I was trying so hard not to laugh when I was writing this! I'm sure I looked scary to my grandmother when I kept snorting and snickering and grinning in really weird places.
But, also . . . thanks to fxtzsimmons for recognizing the hint I gave last interlude . . . Fitz and Amy knew each other when they were younger! :D
Anyway, I should warn you now . . . innuendo overload ahead. ;)
Here comes "The Lodgers!"
***
The Doctor poked his head out of the TARDIS and stepped outside. "No, Amy, it's definitely not the fifth moon of Cindie Colesta," he said.
Jessie frowned as she stepped out. "Is that a Ryman's?" she asked, pointing.
Something inside the TARDIS exploded, and the TARDIS dematerialized suddenly. "Amy!" the Doctor shouted. "Amy!"
Jessie ran around, trying to see if the TARDIS would land anywhere else, before huffing and folding her arms. "She's gone."
The Doctor sighed and rubbed his face with his hand.
They were stuck.
***
However, as luck would have found them, they found an ad for someone looking for a lodger. So they packed what little they had, Jessie taking a few Bluetooth earpieces for them, the Doctor with a paper bag of money, and knocked on the door of the house, waiting for Craig Owens, the man looking for the lodger, lived. "I love you!" they could hear the man say faintly before he opened the door suddenly. "I love you!" He paused, blinking, looking at the two of them. "I love you," he finished faintly.
Jessie raised an eyebrow. "I guess we've made a good first impression. Nice to meet you. We're your new lodgers."
"This is going to be easier than we expected!" the Doctor grinned, taking the fluffy pink key ring Craig was holding in his hand.
"But, I only put the advert up today!" Craig sputtered, staring at the floppy-haired man in a tweed jacket, braces, and a bow tie, and the girl with dark hair and bangs braided back, wearing a black camisole tank top under an off the shoulder off white loose shirt, hot pink skirt with a black belt and gold buckle, black leggings, and black heeled boots. "I didn't put my address!"
"Well, aren't you lucky we came along?" the Doctor grinned. "More lucky than you know. Less of a young professional, more of an ancient amateur, but believe me, she's an absolute dream."
"He's biased," Jessie whispered with a wink.
"Hang on a minute, mates," Craig shook his head. "I don't know if I want you staying! And give me back those keys! You can't have those!"
Jessie tossed the keys back. "Yes, quite right," the Doctor nodded. "Have some rent." He gave Craig the bag. "That's probably quite a lot, isn't it?" he asked as Craig stared inside the bag, his eyes wide. "Looks like a lot. Is it a lot? I can never tell."
"And to think, that's only just scraping the top of my SHIELD account," Jessie joked as they went inside.
"Don't spend it all on sweets, unless you like sweets," the Doctor warned Craig. "Except this one. I love this sweet."
"Don't call me a sweet," Jessie shook her head.
"Yes, dear," the Doctor nodded before his eyes lit up. "Ooo . . . " He gave Craig two Gallic kisses. "That's how we greet each other nowadays, isn't it? I'm the Doctor. Well, they call me the Doctor. I don't know why. I call me the Doctor, too. Still don't know why."
"I'm the Bad Wolf," Jessie introduced.
"Craig Owens," Craig nodded before frowning. "The Doctor? The Bad Wolf?"
"Yep," Jessie nodded before considering the staircase leading to the next floor, the lights flickering there. "Who lives upstairs?"
"Just some bloke."
"What's he look like?"
"Normal. He's very quiet." There was a crash from upstairs, and Jessie just quirked an eyebrow. "Usually," Craig corrected as they headed into the flat. "Sorry, who are you again? Hello? Excuse me?"
"Ah," the Doctor took a look at the rot up in the corner. "I suppose that's dry rot?"
"Or damp," Craig nodded. "Or mildew."
"Maybe none of the above?" Jessie asked dryly.
Craig sighed. "I'll get someone to fix it."
"No, I'll fix it," the Doctor said. "I'm good at fixing rot. Call me the Rotmeister."
"Never," Jessie sighed.
"Right, I'm the Doctor, don't call me the Rotmeister." He took a look around with a smile. "This is the most beautiful parlor I have ever seen! You're obviously a man of impeccable taste. We can stay, Craig, can't we? Say we can."
Craig shook his head. "You haven't even seen the room!"
"The room?" the Doctor asked blankly.
Jessie huffed. "Yes, the room. Our room. You know, for sleeping?"
"Oh," the Doctor nodded quickly. "Our room. Yes. Our room. Take us to our room."
"Do you have any idea how suggestive that sounded?" Jessie asked as they followed Craig.
The Doctor smirked at her. "I think we might be able to give Captain Jack a run for his money now."
She smirked right back. "Oh, definitely."
Craig looked around the room as they stepped in, Jessie blinking a bit at the 80s decor. "Yeah, this is Mark's old room," he said. "He owns the place. Moved out about a month ago. This uncle he'd never even heard of died and left a load of money in the will."
"How convenient," Jessie winked at the Doctor.
"This'll do just right," the Doctor said. "In fact . . . " There was a crash from upstairs, and the Doctor licked his finger and tested the air. "No time to lose. We'll take it. Ah, you'll want to see our credentials! Here." He held up his psychic paper. "National Insurance number."
"NHS number," Jessie added, holding up hers.
The Doctor passed his behind his back and held it up again. "References."
Craig pointed at him, eyes wide. "Is that a reference from the Archbishop of Canterbury?"
"My wife's his special favorite, apparently," the Doctor smirked. "Are you hungry? I'm hungry."
"I haven't got anything in!" Craig shook his head in surprise as they headed back.
The Doctor poked his head into the refrigerator. "You've got everything I need for an omelette fines herbes, por deux."
Jessie watched him get to work before taking a photograph from the fridge of Craig and a pretty blonde woman. "Who's this?"
"My friend, Sophie," Craig answered.
The Doctor poked his head up. "Girlfriend?" he asked.
"A friend who is a girl," Craig said. "There's nothing going on."
"Mmhmm," Jessie snickered, replacing the photo. "That's what we told everybody, too, and look at where we are, now."
"We met at work about a year ago, at the call center."
"Oh, really? A communications exchange?" the Doctor asked. "That could be handy."
"Firm's going down, though. The bosses are using a totally rubbish business model. I know what they should do. I got a plan all worked out. But I'm just a phone drone. I can't go running in saying I know best . . . " He blinked. "Why am I telling you this? I don't even know you!"
"Well, Jez has got one of those faces," the Doctor smirked. "People never stop blurting out their plans while she's around."
"Oh, well, thank you," Jessie preened, brushing her hair over her shoulder playfully.
Craig shook his head, sure that he would get sick of them eventually . . . especially with how much innuendo they tossed around. Then again, that was marriage, apparently. "Right. Where's your stuff?"
"Oh, don't worry," the Doctor smiled. "It'll materialize . . . if all goes to plan."
***
"Oh, that was incredible!" Craig gushed later as they lounged in the living room, Craig on the couch, the Doctor leaning back in the armchair with Jessie in his lap. "That was absolutely brilliant! Where did you learn to cook?"
"Paris, in the eighteenth century," the Doctor nodded before frowning. "No, hang on, that's not recent, is it? Seventeenth?"
"Twentieth," Jessie told him.
"Twentieth," the Doctor nodded. "Sorry, we're not used to doing them in the right order."
"I am," Jessie huffed. "He isn't."
"Has anyone ever told you that you're a bit weird?" Craig asked.
"They never really stop," the Doctor admitted. "Ever been to Paris, Craig?"
"Nah," Craig shook his head. "I can't se the point of Paris. I'm not much of a traveler."
"I can tell from your sofa."
"My sofa?"
"You're starting to look like it."
Craig laughed a bit, partly because Jessie headslapped him. "Thanks, mate," he chuckled. "That's lovely. No, I like it here. I'd miss it. I'd miss . . . "
"The keys?" Jessie asked.
Craig blinked. "What?"
She pointed to the pink keys Craig was messing with. "Those keys. You're sort of fondling them."
Craig shook his head, though there was a pink tinge to his cheeks. "I'm holding them."
"Right," the Doctor gave him a look.
"Anyway . . . " Craig cleared his throat before giving the two of them keys. "These are your keys."
The Doctor grinned. "We can stay?"
"Yeah," he nodded. "You'r weird, and you can cook. It's good enough for me. Right, outdoor, front door, your door."
"Our door, our place, our gaff!" the Doctor grinned. "Haha! Yes!"
"And you, with a key?" Jessie laughed.
"Oi!" he pouted.
"And listen," Craig said, lowering his voice. "Mark and I, we had an arrangement where if you ever need me out of your hair, just give me a shout, OK?" He winked.
The Doctor winked back before frowning. "Why would I want that?"
"In case . . . you know . . . " He nodded at Jessie. "You need me out of my hair."
"Oh, I will," the Doctor nodded. "I'll shout if that happens. Yes, something like . . . I was not expecting this!" he shouted, making Jessie laugh. "By the way, that. The rot. I've got the strangest feeling we shouldn't touch it."
***
Jessie flopped back on the bed as the Doctor looked around. "Earth to Pond, Earth to Pond," she said. "Come in, Pond - "
"Bad Wolf!" Amy cheered.
Jessie jerked when feedback came over the Bluetooths. "Agh!"
"Sorry," Amy mumbled.
"Could you not wreck our new earpieces, Pond?" the Doctor complained.
"Never mind that, how's the TARDIS coping?" Jessie asked.
"See for yourself," Amy answered.
Jessie cringed, hearing the awful noises the TARDIS was making. "Oh, poor girl," she sighed.
"She's locked in a materialization loop, trying to land again," the Doctor said. "But she can't."
"Hmm . . . and whatever's stopping her is upstairs in that flat," Amy said. "So go upstairs and sort it."
"We don't know what it is yet. Anything that can stop the TARDIS from landing is big. Scary big."
"Wait . . . are you scared?"
"Who's scared of me when they should be scared of the big Bad Wolf?" The Doctor continued his search around. "Orange juice. Neocene Arbuckle. Rare tarantula on the table."
"Ugh," Jessie shuddered.
"Oh, we can't go up there until we know what it is and how to deal with it. And it is vital that this man upstairs doesn't realize who and what we are. So, no sonicking. No advanced technology. We can only use this because we're on scramble. To anyone else hearing this conversation, we're talking absolute gibberish. Practical eruption in chicken. Descartes Lombardy spiral. Now all we've got to do is pass as ordinary human beings. Simple. What could possibly go wrong?"
"Have you seen yourself, Doctor?" Amy asked.
"So you're just going to be snide. No helpful hints?"
"Hint one: you've got a wife. Hint two: bow tie. Get rid."
"Bow ties are cool!" he protested. "Come on, Amy, I'm a normal bloke. Tell me what normal blokes do!"
"He's worse than his last self," Jessie sighed. "At least he could be a human for at least two months."
" . . . he was?!" Amy gasped.
"And then right after that, I nearly died, and he finally snogged me senseless."
"Best day of my lives," the Doctor grinned.
"Fine. They watch telly, they play football, they go down the pub," Amy said.
"I could do those things. I don't, but I could . . . " There was another bang, and Jessie frowned, looking at her watch as the hands sped back and forth. "Hang on. Wait, wait, wait. Amy?"
"Localized time loop," Jessie said, watching the same thing happen to the alarm clock.
"Ow," Amy moaned. "What's all that?"
"Time distortion," the Doctor answered. "Whatever's happening upstairs is still affecting you."
"It's stopped . . . ish. How about your end?"
"Our end's good."
"So, doesn't sound great, but nothing to worry about?"
"No, no, no, not really. Just keep the zigzag plotter on full. That'll protect you."
"Ow!" Amy shouted.
"Amy, I said the zigzag plotter!"
"I pulled the zigzag plotter!"
"Amy, are you standing with the door behind you?" Jessie asked.
"Yes."
"Take two steps to the right and pull it again."
"Now, we must not use sonics," the Doctor said. "We've got work to do. Need to pick up a few items."
***
"A few?" Jessie raised an eyebrow when the Doctor arrived later in the evening, pushing a shopping cart full of miscellaneous items.
"What, this?" The Doctor looked down at what he had with a grin. "This is a few for me!"
"No kidding," Jessie sighed, pulling the door closed behind him.
***
Craig headed down the hall and passed by the kitchen, and he sniffed, smelling something good. He poked his head in to see Jessie at the stove, humming to herself as she worked on what appeared to be a skillet of bacon, a stack of pancakes already ready to be served. "Good morning!" he told her.
"Morning, Craig!" she beamed. "Just warning you, the Doctor's in the shower."
"Thank you," Craig nodded, heading to the bathroom.
The Doctor was singing opera when he arrived. "Doctor!" he called.
"Hello?" the Doctor called back, still in an opera voice.
"How long are you going to be in there?"
"Oh, sorry! I like a good soak!"
***
Jessie looked up when she heard a bang from upstairs. "What's that?" she wondered.
She heard a thud from the bathroom, and she huffed, rolling her eyes. "What did you do this time, Kasterborous?"
"Something from upstairs! Craig's going to check!"
"He's what?" Jessie shouted out loud, bolting out of the room.
Craig was at the foot of the stairs, and she met the Doctor there at the same time, he with a towel around his waist, pointing a whirring electronic toothbrush up the stairs. "What happened?" the Doctor asked. "What's going on?"
"Is that my toothbrush?" Craig asked, blinking.
"Correct," the Doctor nodded, stopping and eyeing him. "You spoke to the man upstairs?"
"Yeah."
"What did he look like?"
"More normal than you do at the moment, mate. What are you doing?"
"We thought you were in trouble," Jessie shrugged.
"Thanks," Craig nodded. "Well, if I ever am, you can come and save me . . . with my toothbrush."
The phone rang, and Jessie gave the Doctor a shove as Craig went to answer it. "Go get your clothes on!" she hissed.
He smirked. "I thought you liked it when I don't," he said innocently, keeping a mostly straight face.
"Not with others watching!" she countered, giving him another shove. "Get going!"
The Doctor sighed and headed back to their room. Jessie was about to head up the stairs when the door unlocked. Frowning, she turned, about to draw her blaster from where it was hidden under her skirt, and she beamed when she saw a blonde woman standing there, surprised. "Oh!" the blonde said, blinking. "Hello."
"Oh, you must be Sophie!" she grinned. "Craig's told us all about you."
"He . . . has?" Sophie asked faintly.
"Never shuts up," she winked. "Nice to meet you. I'm the Bad Wolf. My husband should be out here in a second."
"Husband?" Sophie asked quickly.
The Doctor emerged from the bedroom at that moment, tying his bow tie around his neck, and he beamed. "Ah! Hello!" he greeted Sophie with a smile. "The Doctor."
"Right," she said slowly.
"You must be Sophie!" he grinned, giving her Gallic kisses again.
"Oh," Sophie blinked. "Oh!"
"No, Dom's in Malta," Craig was saying as they headed into the kitchen. "There's nobody around." He saw the Doctor and brightened. "Hang on a sec." He covered the mouthpiece and looked at the Doctor. "We've got a match today, pub league. We're one down, if you fancy it?"
"Pub league," the Doctor looked at Jessie. "A drinking competition?"
"Soccer," she corrected. "Or football."
"Football," the Doctor nodded. "Football . . . yes, blokes play football. I'm good at football . . . I think."
"You've saved my life," Craig sighed in relief, going back to the phone. "I've got somebody. Yeah, all right, I'll see you down there." He hung up and smiled at Sophie. "Hey, Soph."
"Hey," she smiled. "I thought I'd come early and meet your new flat mates."
"Do you play, Sophie?" the Doctor asked.
"No, Soph just stands on the sidelines," Craig shook his head. "She's my mascot."
Sophie blinked. "I'm your mascot?" she repeated. "Mascot?!"
"Well, yeah, not my mascot. It's a football match. I can't take a date."
"I didn't say I was your date!"
"Neither did I!"
The Doctor cleared his throat. "I don't suppose you have the uniform, Craig?"
"Spare kit's just in the bottom drawer," Craig said.
The Doctor nodded and left to their room. Jessie followed, but paused outside when she heard the two talk. "What do you think?" Craig asked.
"You didn't say he was gorgeous, or she was beautiful," Sophie answered.
The Doctor poked his head out of the room and looked at Jessie. "Definitely beautiful," he nodded. "But gorgeous? Me?"
"Only I get to call you that," Jessie winked. "And usually when there's no clothes involved."
The Doctor smirked. "Suppose I can't drag you in here real quick?"
"No."
He huffed. "Spoilsport," he muttered, but closed the door again.
"You unlocked the door," Craig continued. "How did you do that? Those are your keys! You must have left them last time you came here."
"Yeah, but I . . . how did you know these are my keys?"
"I've been . . . holding them."
"I have another set."
"Hang on, you've got two sets of keys to someone else's house?" Jessie asked, looking back in.
They looked at her, surprised. "Yeah?" Sophie answered.
"I see." Jessie winked. "You must like this place a heck of a lot."
***
"What are you actually called?" Craig asked as they headed to the field, Jessie still snickering at the fact that the Doctor was wearing the 11 jersey. "What're your proper names?"
"Just call me the Doctor," he answered.
"And I'm just the Bad Wolf," Jessie shrugged.
"Yeah," Sophie rolled her eyes.
"I can't go up to these guys and say 'hey, these are my new flat mates, they're called the Doctor and the Bad Wolf.'"
"Why not?" the Doctor asked.
"Because it's weird!"
"All right, Craig, Soph," one of the players said as they walked up, then he smirked when he saw Jessie. "All right, mates."
"Hello," the Doctor grinned. "We're Craig's new flat mates. I'm the Doctor, and this is my wife, the Bad Wolf."
"Hello," Jessie smiled in greeting, stopping the Doctor just in time before he could do the Gallic kisses again.
"All right, Doctor, Bad Wolf," the man looked at them oddly. "I'm Sean. So, where are you strongest?"
"Arms," the Doctor nodded.
"On the field," Jessie laughed. "He means where are you best on the field?"
"Not sure," he shrugged. "The front? The side? Below?"
"Are you any good, though?" Sean asked.
The Doctor grinned. "Let's find out!"
***
There were many things Jessie had to learn about her husband. One of them she had just learned was that he was amazing at soccer. "Doctor! Doctor!" Sophie cheered him on as the Doctor weaved through players, dribbling the ball extremely well. "He's amazing!"
"Isn't he?" Jessie laughed, whooping with the spectators. "Yeah, Doctor!"
"Oh, yes, I love this game!" the Doctor grinned at her as he dribbled past.
"Doctor! Doctor! Doctor! Doctor!" the spectators chanted as the Doctor kept scoring over and over.
***
"You are so on the team!" Sean clapped the Doctor on the back later. "Next week, we've got the Crown and Anchor. We're going to annihilate them!"
"Annihilate?" the Doctor glared. "No. No violence, do you understand me? Not while I'm around. Not today, not ever. I'm the Doctor, the Oncoming Storm - "
"And he meant beat them in the soccer match, dear," Jessie sighed, facepalming.
The Doctor blinked, then smiled sheepishly. "Yes, that's what you meant, isn't it?"
"Yeah," Sean nodded.
"Lovely," the Doctor nodded. "What sort of time?"
Craig opened a can and got sprayed with foam. The team laughed, but then everything repeated over and over again.
The Doctor and Jessie looked at each other before running off. "Amy?" the Doctor called. "Amy?"
"It's happening again," Amy called. "Worse!"
"What does the scanner say?"
"A lot of nines. Is it good that they're nines? Tell me it's good that they're all nines!"
"It's good!" Jessie lied. "Zigzag plotter, Amy! Zigzag plotter!" There was a bang, then Amy screamed. "Amy? Are you there? Amy!"
"Yes, hello!"
"Oh, thank heavens!" the Doctor sighed. "I thought for a moment the TARDIS had been flung off into the Vortex with you inside, lost forever."
"What, you mean that could actually happen?" Amy squeaked. "You have got to get me out of here!"
"How are the numbers?"
"All fives."
"Fives? Even better. Still, it means the effect's almost unbelievably powerful and dangerous, but don't worry. Hang on, OK? I've got some serious rewiring to do."
***
Jessie opened the door to the room, holding a traffic cone under her arm, smiling at Craig, who stood there. "Hello, Craig!"
"Hey, girl," he smiled. "Er, listen. Er, Sophie's coming round tonight, and I was wondering if you could give us some space?"
"Don't mind us," Jessie smiled. "We'll keep out of the way . . . " She frowned when she heard a bang from upstairs. "Well, that's the plan, anyway."
"Yes, perfect!" the Doctor cheered from where he was working on his gizmo. "What a beauty!"
She smiled sweetly. "Bye, Craig!" she said, closing the door.
***
"Hello!" the Doctor grinned later, popping up from behind the sofa, startling Craig and Sophie.
"What?" Craig hissed.
"Whoops. Sorry! Don't worry, I wasn't listening. In a world of my own down there."
"I thought you were going out?" Craig asked.
"With us, going out is usually spending the day in the room," Jessie rolled her eyes, walking in. "I tried to stop him. Sorry, Craig."
"Just reconnecting all the electronics," the Doctor said. "It's a real mess. Where's the on switch for this?" he asked, holding up a normal screwdriver.
Jessie sighed. "Ignore him."
"He really is just on his way out," Craig began.
"No, I don't mind," Sophie smiled at him. "I mean, if you don't mind."
"I don't mind," Craig said after a while, shaking his head. "Why would I mind?"
"Then stay!" Sophie encouraged. "Have a drink with us."
"What?" the Doctor looked at Jessie. "Do we have to stay now?"
"You stay, I'll let you do whatever you want to me," Jessie offered with a wink.
He nodded eagerly, eyes darkening at the thought. "I'll stay."
"OK!" Sophie grinned.
"Great," Craig sighed.
***
"Because life can seem pointless, you know, Doctor, Bad Wolf," Sophie was saying later in the evening, the Doctor and Jessie sharing the same chair again, this time she on the armrest though. "Work, weekend, work, weekend. And there's six billion people on the planet doing pretty much the same."
"Six billion people," the Doctor sighed. "Watching you two at work, I'm starting to wonder where they all come from."
"Huh?" Sophie frowned. "What do you mean by that?"
"The call center?" Jessie huffed. "Is that really what you want to do?"
"Don't laugh," Sophie sighed. "I only ever told Craig about it. I want to work looking after animals. Maybe abroad? I saw this orangutan sanctuary on telly."
"So what's stopping you, then?"
"She can't," Craig answered. "You need loads of qualifications."
"Yeah, true," Sophie nodded. "Plus, it's scary. Everyone I know lives round here. Like, Craig got offered a job in London. Better money. He didn't take it."
"What's wrong with staying here?" Craig shrugged. "I can't see the point of London."
"Well, perhaps that's you, then," the Doctor said. "Perhaps you'll just have to stay here, secure, and a little bit miserable, till the day you drop. Better than trying and failing, eh?"
"You think I'd fail?" Sophie asked, sounding heartbroken.
The Doctor shrugged, raising his wine glass. "Everybody's got dreams, Sophie. Very few are going to achieve them, so why pretend?"
"I could have told you not to do that," Jessie said as he tried the wine, made a face, then let it pour back into the glass from his mouth.
"Perhaps, in the whole wide universe, a call center is where you should be," the Doctor shrugged.
"Why are you saying that?" Sophie asked angrily. "That's horrible!"
"Is it true?"
"Of course it's not true! I'm not staying in a call center all my life! I can do anything I want!" Her tirade faded off as the Doctor gave her a wink and a grin, and Jessie kissed his cheek proudly. "Oh, yeah," she realized. "Right. Oh, my God, did you see what he just did?"
"No, sorry, what's happening?" Craig asked, shaking his head. "Are you going to live with monkeys now?"
"It's a big old world, Sophie," Jessie smirked. "Why don't you work out what's really keeping you here, huh?"
"I don't know," Sophie whispered. "I don't know."
"Was I really this daft when I was human?" Jessie asked.
"Never knew you when you were human. You were a goddess the moment I met you."
Jessie blushed furiously, turning her head away so the two humans wouldn't notice. "Shut up."
"Does that mean we can go back to the room, now?"
She grinned. "Oh, yes."
***
As Jessie readjusted her belt, the Doctor finished working on his gizmo. "Right," he rubbed his hands together. "Shield's up. Let's scan."
"What are you getting?" Amy asked as he set it spinning.
"Upstairs," the Doctor answered. "No traces of high technology. Totally . . . normal? No, no, no, no, no, it can't be! It's too normal!"
"Only for you could too normal be a problem," Amy sighed. "You said I could be lost forever. Just go upstairs."
"Without knowing and get ourselves killed? Then you really are lost. If I could just get a look in there . . . hold on. Use the data bank. Get me the plans of this building. I want to know its history, the layout, everything. Meanwhile, I shall recruit a spy."
***
Jessie knocked on Craig's door. "Craig?" she called. "Craig? Breakfast is ready!" She frowned, hearing no answer. "Craig?" Cautiously, she opened the door, and she gasped when she saw the horrible condition Craig was in. "Doctor!" she shouted, running inside. "Craig, we told you not to touch that!"
The Doctor ran in, and his eyes widened when he saw what happened. "Oh, it's an unfamiliar and obviously poisonous substance," he rolled his eyes. "Oh, I know what'd be really clever. I'll stick my hand in it!"
Jessie gave Craig a shock, and he gasped, eyes flying open. "Keep breathing," she said. "Use those soccer lungs, hey?"
The Doctor ran back to the kitchen, working on something, then ran back with a teapot, and poured it straight into his mouth. "I've got to go to work!" Craig gasped.
"On no account," the Doctor shook his head. "You need rest. One more."
"It's the planning meeting!" Craig protested. "It's important!"
"You're important," Craig corrected. "You're going to be fine, Craig."
***
"You know, that's not what the screen is telling me, Mr. Lang," Jessie was saying into a headset later that day as she worked at the call center in Craig's place, the Doctor beaming as he sat on the desk next to her.
Craig, who had just run in, stared at them. "What're they doing here?" he asked before blinking. "What are you two doing here?"
"If that's your attitude, Mr. Lang, seriously, take your custom elsewhere," Jessie sighed, holding her headset up to the Doctor, who blew a raspberry into the mouthpiece.
"No, no, no, that's one of my best clients!" Craig groaned.
"Hello, Craig," the Doctor grinned. "How are you feeling? Had some time to kill. I was curious. Never worked in an office. Never worked in anywhere."
"That's why I said I was working this job," she smirked. "He's been the one to guard me and tell anyone who tried to flirt with me to run away."
"Worked so far," the Doctor smiled.
"You're insane!" Craig gawked.
"Leave off the Doctor and the Bad Wolf," Craig's boss, Michael, said. "I love them! They were brilliant in the planning meeting."
Craig blinked. "You went to the planning meeting?!"
"Yes," the Doctor nodded. "Jez was your representative."
"You know, I don't think we need Mr. Lang anymore," Jessie remarked with a frown. "He's rude." She looked at Craig. "I hope he isn't a ginger."
"Rude and not ginger!" the Doctor grinned.
"Here you go," Sophie said, walking up with a plate. "And I found some custard creams."
"Sophie, our hero!" the Doctor grinned.
"Hi, Craig," Sophie smiled. "I went on the web with the Bad Wolf, applied for a wildlife charity thing. They said I could always start as a volunteer straight away. Should I do it?"
Craig stared at her. "Yeah, great. Yeah . . . good. Go for it."
"You look awful," the Doctor told Craig. "About turn, bed, now." Craig gawked at him as he turned to Jessie. "Who next?"
"There we are!" Jessie grinned, getting the next call. "Hello, Mr. Joergensen - " She broke off when the Doctor tapped her shoulder and pointed to the plate next to her. "Ah. Sorry, can you hold? My husband wants a biscuit."
***
Jessie smiled when she saw their spy coming down the stairs. "Hey there," she whispered, sitting down to talk to it as the Doctor closed the door behind them. "Have you been upstairs? Yes? You can do it. Come on. Can you show me what's up there? What's behind that door? Try to show me." She closed her eyes, frowning at the images that didn't make sense. "Have you seen anyone go up there?" The cat meowed. "Lots of people? Good, good. What kind of people?" The cat meowed again. "People who never came back down? Oh, dear. That's bad."
Craig suddenly opened the door, and the Doctor grinned at him. "Hello!"
"I can't take this anymore," he shook his head. "I want you to go."
Jessie blinked as he headed to the kitchen. "Sorry?"
"You can have this back and all," Craig said, handing them the bag of money.
"What have we done?" the Doctor asked in confusion as Jessie looked through it all.
"For a start, talking to a cat - "
"I'm a cat person!" Jessie protested.
"And everybody loves you, and you're better at football than me, and my job, and now Sophie's all 'oh, monkeys, monkeys!' And then there's that!" He pointed in the direction of their room.
"Hang on, you went through our room?!" Jessie shouted angrily.
"It's art!" the Doctor tried to lie as they went inside. "A statement on modern society. Ooo, ain't modern society awful?"
"Me and you two, it's not going to work out," Craig shook his head. "You've only been here three days. These have been the three weirdest days of my life!"
"Trust me, they'll get a hell of a lot weirder if we go," Jessie rolled her eyes.
"It was good weirdness!" Craig assured them. "It's not . . . it's bad weird. I can't do this anymore!"
"Craig, we can't leave this place," the Doctor said. "I'm like you. I can't see the point of anywhere else. Madrid? Ha! What a dump! We have to stay."
"No, you don't. You have to leave!"
"We can't go!"
"Just get out!"
The Doctor huffed. "Right. Only way. I'm going to show you something, but shush. Really, shush."
"You're going to regret this," Jessie warned.
"Oh, I know I am. OK, right. First . . . general background."
Both men cried out in pain when the Doctor headbutted Craig. Jessie saw brief glimpses of a few of his past selves, both of hers, before Craig gasped. "Oh!"
"Ow!" the Doctor seethed, rubbing his forehead in pain.
"You're a - !"
"Yes!"
"From - "
"Shush!"
"You've got a TARDIS!" Craig gasped.
"Yes, shush," the Doctor glared. "Eleventh," he pointed at himself. "Third," he pointed at Jessie. "Right. OK. Specific detail."
He headbutted Craig again, and Craig's eyes widened. "You saw my ad in the paper shop window!"
"Yes, with this right above it," the Doctor nodded, pulling out a note. "Which is odd, because Amy hasn't written it yet."
Doctor, Bad Wolf - This one. No 79A Aickman Road. Amy xx
"Time travel," Jessie said. "It can happen."
"That's a scanner," Craig pointed in surprise. "You used non-tecnological technology of Lammasteen!"
"Shut up!" the two Time Lords huffed.
"Argh," Craig rubbed his head.
"I am never, never doing that ever, ever again," the Doctor shook his head, turning on his earpiece. "Amy?"
"That's Amy Pond!" Craig gasped.
"Oh, of course, you can understand us now, hurrah!" the Doctor rolled his eyes. "Got those plans yet?"
"Still searching for them," Amy answered.
"I've worked it out, with psychic help form a cat."
"A cat?"
"I like cats!" Jessie protested. "What's wrong with cats?"
"We know he's got a time engine in the flat upstairs," the Doctor said. "He's using innocent people to try and launch it. Whenever he does, they get burnt up, hence the stain on your ceiling."
"From the ceiling," Craig nodded.
"Yes, that's what he just said," Jessie nodded back.
"And you, Miss Pond, nearly get thrown off into the Vortex," the Doctor added.
"Lovely," Amy sighed.
There was another crash from upstairs, and Jessie frowned. "I'm going to take a look," she said.
"People are dying up there?" Craig frowned, starting to panic.
Jessie looked up the stairs weirdly, then saw the front door open . . . with Sophie's pink key ring still inside it. "Oh, my God," she gasped, running up the stairs. "Kasterborous, it's Sophie!"
"What?!"
Jessie burst into the room to see Sophie struggling with a rope of electricity pulling her hand towards the central console. "Sophie!" she gasped, running forward. "Sophie, get - agh!"
Sophie stumbled away as the electricity locked onto her next. "No!" Jessie shouted, grabbing her wrist, trying to pull herself back. "No!"
The Doctor burst in with Craig, and Sophie ran over. "Craig!"
"Doctor, what is this?" Jessie asked worriedly.
The Doctor scanned her quickly. "Deadlock seal."
Jessie stumbled back when the electricity suddenly let her go. "Why'd that happen?"
A man suddenly appeared, saying in a monotone voice, "You will help me."
"Right, stop," the Doctor ordered. "Crashed ship . . . let's see. Hello, I'm Captain Troy Handsome of International Rescue. Please state the nature of your emergency."
"The ship has crashed," the man answered. "The crew are dead. A pilot is required."
"You're the emergency crash program. A hologram. What, you've been luring people up here so you can try them out?"
The man flickered between an old man, a younger man, and a little girl. "You will help me," it said. "You will help me. You will help me."
"Craig, what is this?" Sophie asked. "Where am I?"
"Hush," the Doctor ordered. "Human brains aren't strong enough. They just burn. But your'e stupid, though. You just keep trying."
"Seventeen people have been tried," the autopilot said. "Six billion four hundred thousand and twenty six remain."
"Well, at least it's accurate," Jessie quipped.
"Seriously, what is going on?" Sophie asked.
"Oh, for goodness sake," the Doctor sighed. "The top floor of Craig's building is in reality an alien spaceship intent on slaughtering the population of this planet. Any questions? Good."
"Yes, I have questions!" Sophie shouted.
"The correct pilot has now been found," the autopilot said.
"Yes, I was a bit worried that you were going to say that," the Doctor sighed.
"He means you, Doctor, doesn't he?" Amy asked.
Energy shot out and latched onto the Doctor, dragging him to the console. "The correct pilot has been found. The correct pilot has been found. The correct pilot has been found."
"What's happening?" Amy shouted.
"It's pulling me in!" the Doctor grunted as Jessie tried to pull him back. "I'm the new pilot!"
"Could you do it? Could you fly the ship safely?"
"No! I'm way too much for this ship! My hand touches that panel, the planet doesn't blow up. The whole solar system does!"
"The correct pilot has been found."
"No. Worst choice ever. I promise you. Stop this!"
"Doctor?" Amy shouted. "It's getting worse!"
"It doesn't want everyone," Jessie said. "Craig, it didn't want you!"
"I spoke to him and he said I couldn't help him," Craig nodded.
"And it never wanted Sophie before either, but now he did because something changed! We gave her the idea to leave! It wants people who want to leave! And you don't want to leave, do you, Craig?"
"Craig, you can shut down the machine," the Doctor said. "Put your hand on the panel and concentrate on why you want to stay!"
"Craig, no!" Sophie gasped.
"Will it work?" Craig asked hesitantly.
"Yes!" Jessie shouted.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes!"
"Is that a lie?"
"Goddamn it, Craig, of course it's a lie!"
"It's good enough for me," he took a deep breath. "Geronimo!"
"That's his line!"
"Argh!" Craig cried out as he touched the control panel, the Doctor lurching backwards.
"Craig!" Sophie gasped.
"Craig, what's keeping you here?" the Doctor insisted. "Think about everything that makes you want to stay here. Why don't you want to leave?"
"Sophie," Craig admitted. "I don't want to leave Sophie. I can't leave Sophie." Sophie gasped, staring at him as he looked at her. "I love Sophie."
"I love you, too, Craig, you idiot," she whispered, putting her hand on top of his.
"Honestly, do you mean that?"
"Of course I mean it! Do you mean it?"
"I've always meant it! Seriously, though, do you mean it?"
"Yes!"
"Ugh," Amy muttered.
"Shush," Jessie ordered.
"What about the monkeys?" Craig asked.
"Oh, not now, not again!" the Doctor huffed. "Craig, the planet's about to burn!"
"For God's sake, kiss the girl!" Jessie ordered.
"Kiss the girl!" Amy jumped in.
Craig and Sophie finally did kiss, and Craig's hand was released from the console. "Guys?" Amy said. "You've done it! Ha ha! You've done it! Oh . . . now the scanner's just zeroes. Now it's minus ones . . . minus twos . . . minus threes . . . big yes!"
"Help me," the autopilot begged, flickering. "Help me. Help me. Help me."
"Big no!" Jessie shouted.
Craig blinked, pulling away from Sophie, both of them breathing heavily. "Did we switch it off?"
"Emergency shutdown," the Doctor said. "It's imploding. Everybody out, out, out!"
They ran outside, and the top floor turned into a spaceship, flying off. Craig blinked and looked around at people passing by without so much as a stare. "Look at them," he gawked. "Didn't they see that? The whole top floor just vanished!"
"Perception filter," Jessie sighed. "There never was a top floor."
***
The two Time Lords poked their head into the kitchen, seeing Craig and Sophie talking, before they tried to slip out, leaving their keys behind. "Oi!" Craig shouted, stopping them short.
"What, you're trying to sneak off?" Sophie asked with a smirk.
"Yes, well . . . you were sort of busy," the Doctor shrugged.
"I want you to keep these," Craig said, giving them the keys back.
Jessie was about to protest when she saw a flicker of something. She slipped around as the Doctor kept talking. "Thank you. Because we might pop back soon, have another little stay."
"No, you won't," Craig shook his head. "I've been in your head, remember? I want you to keep them."
The Doctor smiled. "Thank you, Craig," he said, taking them.
Jessie quietly snapped a photo of something she found very interesting behind the fridge. "Thank you, Doctor," Craig answered.
"And Sophie?" Jessie asked, standing up straight, keeping a straight face. "There's six billion four hundred thousand and twenty six people in this world. You can beat that number."
She smiled. "Yeah."
Jessie hugged her before taking the Doctor's hand. "We need to get out of here," she hissed, pulling him out the door.
"Why?" he asked in concern.
"Come on." When they were outside, she showed him the picture she'd taken. "Look."
The Doctor did . . . and his eyes widened when he saw the glowing crack that had been in Craig's wall. "Come on," he agreed, taking her hand and running.
Neither one of them saw the security cameras on the street watching them run to the TARDIS.
"Back in time," the Doctor told Amy when they got inside, taking his jacket off and tossing it to the side. "You need to go to the paper shop and leave that note for me."
"Right little matchmaker, aren't you?" Amy smirked. "Can't you find me a fellow?"
"No one out there that's right for you yet," Jessie interrupted shortly.
"You write the note, and I'll change that will," the Doctor told her.
"You got a pen?" Amy asked.
"Make sure it's a red pen."
Jessie followed the Doctor up the staircase when she heard Amy take a small intake of breath. She turned, and she swallowed.
Amy had found her engagement ring.
***
Oh, yes. Jack has a run for his money in innuendo. :P
How'd you like this? I loved it. Oh, my God, it was incredible to write this with so much innuendo . . . who likes the flirting? :P By the way, Craig and Sophie on the side. Or above. Well, it's somewhere in here. It should be here.
We'll see SHIELD's reaction for the next interlude . . . and then it's the finale two-parter! :D