Chapter 32
Weren't you it?
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There was something about my Mom that left me over the edge as a kid. It was something small, so insignificant if you look at it differently, that I forgot about it when it had mattered. I could not remember that it existed, not until this very moment.
Stella was a jolly girl. I knew that. Stella was brave. I knew that too. She was a beautiful confident woman that did not, in any way, get affected by anything that other people might say. She was my mother. My role model. There's no way I wouldn't come to know any of that. All her pretty points and skills and assets, I knew them because I wanted them. As a kid, there was nothing else I could ever wish for but to be like her—be Stella, not little Rebecca.
But as a kid, I was blind. Or maybe I wasn't and I just grew up and forgot. Right, I forgot.
Of all the good things Mom was known for, there were the flaws that no one else noticed. Of all the things that made her smile, there were the secrets that made her cry when and where no one would see. There were secrets that I never looked into because she was Stella.
To me, my mother was like this goddess. Divine, with a bright light shining out from her and a halo, donned as a crown. So when she fell, I was scared out of my wits. I knew that things would never be the same again.
There was one time when I find her lashing out at me. She snapped, screaming something incoherent that my younger self passed off as gibberish. I thought we were playing the princess and the evil witch game. I was a bit surprised because I presumed I was the witch, not the other way around. But I told myself it's all part of the act. She pretended that it was too, giggling at my startled face as my reaction was the result of a joke, not the warnings of a surfacing trauma.
It's okay, I told myself. Princesses can get angry too, sometimes. Not all the time, but they do. They scream when they had enough. Their eyes squint with their mouths hanging wide open. But when all of that is over, she'll laugh out loud, wave to everyone else that fawned over her beauty, and smile again.
Like I thought, that incident never happened again. And so I forgot, not until today as Rigel described how bit by bit, my mom was breaking. How every time I turned around, she would cry again and never smile. How she would always keep the screams in while I was near, and keep it even more as silence loomed over every time my Dad gets home late at night.
"That's why I never see him that often," I blurted out, more to myself than Rigel. "That's it, isn't it? He was out there with another woman while I was left alone with Mom not knowing what was happening with my family! That after all these years, I still don't know!"
When you've known nothing but lies, the moment those things break free and you're revealed with the truth, you wouldn't know what to do. I didn't. I wanted to strangle someone, but who? I wanted to scream, but it's not like that'll make a difference. But I shrieked either way. I cry out for myself. I cry out for my Mom. I cried out so that my Dad could hear, the man I never actually knew.
"All these years... Why?"
"I don't know, Becca."
My knuckles closed in a tight fist, my nails digging through the skin of my bleeding palms. Rigel noticed and tried to soothe the pain for me, trying to open up my fingers and do his whole healing thing, but I refused and shook his hands away.
"Was it Melissa?" I asked.
Rigel stared.
"Was it Melissa?" I shouted this time.
"No, it wasn't her," he said.
I was relieved for a small second. That means I won't be mad at them. They're not at fault. Beth, she's not winded up into this.
Even though I know that any kid of any mistress Dad had won't be blamed, any anger I had would still be directed at them, whether I like it or not. And I don't want that.
"It was a different person. Melissa did not meet your Dad until a year later, just when the mistress decided that she didn't want to associate herself as a secret third party to anyone. By then, news about your mom have already spread and she probably didn't want to start any rumors."
But to me, what that woman wanted and what she didn't matter. I don't care what her name was. I just want to make sure that she exists, that she's not made up, that I'm not dreaming and to check whether I know her at all. Have I passed by her once in my shaded life? Have we ever talked before?
I was lying to myself, that was the only truth in this. I care. I care so much that I wanted to know everything about her!
"Who was she, Rigel?"
"I don't know, Becca," he said. "No one does."
That was wrong, and another lie. Of course, someone knows. Dad does.
"I need to find him." I got up on my feet only to have Rigel catch me before I fall yet again. I was feeling a lot better compared to the state I was in when I hurt myself, but my legs still felt like jelly as I stood.
But I was stubborn. I didn't want to admit that I was weak. What I wanted to Rigel to know was that I was angry. Frankly, he knows both.
"Let go," I said.
"You're not strong enough. You won't make it halfway in the woods."
"I don't care!"
"You'll collapse and I wouldn't be able to help you."
"I said I don't care!"
"I wouldn't be able to help you," he repeated, to which I chose not to reply this time. "I have to go, Becca. I need to leave."
That caught my attention. "What do you mean by that?"
Rigel's eyes were rimmed with tears, their shining emerald hue betraying the trying smile on his face.
He didn't answer me. Again.
As anger subsided, my heart was emptied, replace then by a growing anxiety. It'll be like that night, repeating in my head.
But I didn't get to call for Mom when she left. I can still make a difference now. I have to.
"Are you going home? When? Like right now?" He nodded. A yes. "You're from somewhere out of this island right? Far from this town? Come on Rigel, it's too early to take a boat from here. You need to pack. You need money and your stuff and your—your bills! You still haven't paid me for that damage you did to my wall!"
I kept on with everything I could remember so that I could hold him back. I won't give up. I won't stop believing that I can't stop him, or anyone else from leaving me this time. No, I don't want to be alone anymore.
"You won't be alone, Becca. You'll have someone this time."
"You don't know that," I said. "You won't be here to know that!"
I swear Mom could've said those same things to me. She'd be the kind of person to tell me so, and that I'd have to be strong. But look where I end up. Was left alone—am still alone. I don't want to be like that anymore!
I swore to myself that I was fine. I even created this whole mantra of a lifestyle to prove it. But who am I kidding? I'm just a liar, who's convinced that she's good at it, but is certainly not. I've been denying 'cause I knot that if I'll accept it, then it'll be true. It won't be true until I say so.
But to other people, that's not the case. I've seen how Zebby was ruined when her father left her. I saw her crumble, the ice cream shop being the literal sanity that hold her together, till it too broke just like her. I've seen her crack although she hides it pretty well. She doesn't want anyone else to see and so I never pointed out that I saw.
With just that I was sure that she saw in me what I saw in her. I've noticed what the whole town has looked at us. With pity. With disguised sympathy through lingering eyes as they could not reach out to us because we do not let them.
It'll be that way all over again, Rigel. I'll be like that girl again, acting like she's strong but she isn't. I'll forget everything again. I might even forget about you.
The funny thing about having a mind reader for a friend, is you don't have to say anything when you can't because they will hear you anyway. Another funny thing is, whether I like for him to hear it or not, he will.
Rigel smiled. If he hopes that that smile would make me feel better, he's wrong. You're wrong, Rigel.
The smile vanished as I thought that it just wasn't it. I was leaning toward him so I wouldn't lose my balance and fall, but he took me by the shoulders, put me in a distance the span of his arms, before closing in the space between us with a hug. It was tight, kind of like the one you would give when you don't want to leave or when you don't want to get left behind.
"Are you crying?" I asked. I was trying to lighten up the mood. It didn't quite help.
"I'm sorry," he whispered close to my ear. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry."
"What's gotten into you?" I asked. "Hey, stop that, you're scaring me again."
"I'm just sorry," he says again.
I glared. Of course, he didn't see it, but at least he knows that I did what I did. He needs some explaining to do. He has a butt load of explaining left to do. Half of my questions are still unanswered, and now I've got a new batch coming up with all this apologizing going on. It's not helping!
"I wish I could've been more of a help. But I've got here too late. Everything's different and I couldn't even remember you and why I came. I've lost my chance and I didn't even do anything. I didn't help you at all."
"Hey, I thought I was the one crying here," I joked.
It was almost dawn. The sun was starting to peak from the mountains and crack through the thick layer of leaves from the trees. The sky was still a bit dark, but streaks of orange and pink were beginning to show. Soon, it'll be bright and I'd get to see the sorry state my body was in. I would finally be able to go back home, wherever that is, and fix things. Do something to finally fix things.
If I have forgotten that Rigel was still glowing his golden hue, I was reminded of it now. Only that it changed a bit, from a bright light now a translucent color that...
"Rigel, you're fading!" I cried in horror.
"I know."
"Wait... No! This—this isn't how it's supposed to be!"
"It is, Becca. I'm sorry." Another apology. "I never got to tell you."
I tugged on his shirt, his arms, his everything. Slowly and slowly, however, my grasp couldn't hold on to anything.
"At least tell me something, you idiot! Tell me the things that mattered!" Or else you'd end up like me. "Don't you dare vanish on me! I don't even know your real name and... What are you, Rigel? Please, tell me something, anything. You have told me a lot of things about me but you've never told me anything about you! How can I say I truly know you when I don't?"
It was one thing to see someone leave and never have the confidence to call her back. It was another when you know you can call for him, but there's nothing you can do as he vanishes. Your embrace would never find him down and your tears will dry off but he'd still turn to dust.
"It's okay, Becca. It's okay. You'll get there soon. I tried to make it up for you and make things better before I leave."
"No!"
"I don't have a name, but you gave me one. I'm Rigel through and through. Even though the Rigel, the real one, is definitely brighter than me, at least as to you I was like him. Maybe even better."
His lips brushed upon my forehead, pressing unto it as his life depended on it. Like it was the last.
"Without you, I wouldn't be able to be here. Or even exist. Thank you, Rebecca," he said. "Guess you can call me your fallen star."
I didn't know if it was all a dream, or was having the worst nightmare of the summer second to my usual spells. But, I swear I saw Rigel murmuring something as he closed his eyes. He smiled the cockiest yet sad smile he could muster before the light of the sun swallowed him.
Then he was gone.
And I, in turn, was caught in a lulling enchantment, sleeping for the rest of the morning.
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