I was sick to my stomach. This was not how I expected to feel on this day. Our anniversary day. I was just so nervous. Today was what I had been waiting for all week but now that it was here I was getting cold feet. Don't you hate when that happens? When you highly anticipate something and right when the event comes around, you chicken out? I held my knotting stomach having that exact feeling right now. Never have I experienced nerves like this. Shawn and I were driving on our way to the hospital. Every bump in the road made my stomach churn. I felt like vomiting. My mind was a cloudy haze. As much as I tried to clear it, it just fogged up with uncertainty and hesitation. I was thinking about the surgery in silence. The operation. The recovery. The benefits. The risks. The question that loomed in my mind was, was this what I wanted? Would this all be worth it?
My blindness was something that I was so adjusted to that I was afraid of having to readjust again. Like adjusting to a completely new life. Change is an intimidating and scary thing. It's no wonder why we fear it so much. I bit my knuckle as the pain I might be in took momentary precedence.
Will they give me anesthesia? How much will it hurt? How long until I recover?
Then I went from worrying about the pain to worrying about what I'd see. The birds, the vibrant flowers, the moon, the stars, the litter, the cigarette butts, the ugly pigeons I hated so much, my mothers, my father, Kelly, Michelle, Solange... Shawn. Oh Shawn. The idea of seeing him didn't clear the haze. Like Lazarus, doubt rose from dead and with it came some of the ugliest of thoughts.
Would I like what I see?
What if me seeing him changed how I felt? Because I couldn't see Shawn, there was a mystique about him. Part of the reason why I fell so hard for him was because he just felt like this protective cloud, constantly hovering over when I need him. I can't explain it. It was almost supernatural. In my mind he was perfect. Inhuman. I was so ashamed to think this but, what if Shawn wasn't how I imagined? Don't get me wrong. I love Shawn with every ounce of my being but there was still that existing flaw of disappointment
The car stopped. A hand placed on my lap pulled me back from the downward spiral of my thoughts.
"You ok baby?" Shawn asked.
By his voice I could tell his was truly concerned. I smiled weakly feeling guilty of what was going on in my mind just seconds before. Shawn began a soft caress on my knee. His other hand cupped my face. I nodded trying to brush away those awful feelings.
"Y-yeah, I'm fine."
"You sure? You been so quiet the entire drive. I'm so used to you complaining like 'are we there yet bae?'" He teased offering his best imitation of my voice.
I smirked. "Shut up Shawn."
His boyish laugh filled the car, bouncing off the glass windows. It seeped into the fibers of the seats- which vibrated from the hardiness of it. Resonating off my skin. I couldn't bite my laughter anymore. His laugh was too hysterical not to laugh at. It was so high-pitched. Like a little boy.
He cooled down. "But seriously Bey, what's wrong?"
My smile faded. "Nothing, I'm just a little nervous."
"You sure that's it?" He asked unconvinced.
"Yes."
He placed a kiss on my forehead. "You know you are the worst liar ever right?"
I lightly brushed him off, mumbling in my annoyance. He chuckled again and pulled me into a hug. The way he stroked my arm I could tell that he had something else to ask me. I could always sense when he had something on his mind. Like on auto-pilot, his hand ran up and down my forearm repetitiously. It felt absent. I titled my head waiting for him to speak, if at all. I wondered if he was just as worried about this as I was about my surgery.
"Bey I feel there's more than just nerves bothering you. I see it in your face." He paused. "Does it have anything to do with your ex popping up the other day?"
I had yet to think or even speak about that since it happened. I wouldn't allow myself. I spent too much energy cursing Boris and blaming him for my predicament that I had no brain power left to have him occupy it. However, that presumption sounded way better than the true reason I was troubled. And what a shallow reason.
"A little."
"You know we never got to talk about that." He reminded.
"I like it that way."
"But..."
"Look let's not do this... not today. It's our day right now baby." I kissed his neck. "I don't want to ruin this talking about that, please."
"Aight. You're right." He backed off kissing my temple. "Well you ready Bey?"
I deeply exhaled and nodded my head. His embrace left me. I heard him open and close his car door. Seconds later, my side was opened for me. I unhooked my seatbelt and held out my hand. He took it and guided me out the seat.
"It's now or never." I whispered.
He walked me up to the hospital building. I heard the swiping noise. Felt the blast from the centralized air. Smelled the scent of the alcohol. My stomach turned again. I froze in place.
"Come on Beyoncé." Shawn coached giving me another tug.
I reluctantly continued to follow. I held my hand out in front of me to anticipate the front desk. My hand came into contact with it and I leaned against it for support. I listened as Shawn and the nurse confirm my appointment, though I was too preoccupied to pay attention. Shawn squeezed my hand.
"Huh?"
"I said, come on. She said we got to go by the waiting area."
"Oh, ok."
He tugged me along. I made no effort to count steps or keep track of the turns. I was a mess. All I could think about is the possibility of me not being physically attracted to Shawn. He leaned into my ear. I jumped. He laughed.
"I've got another little surprise for you." He said.
"Shawn no... no more. I don't think I can handle any more surprises. This is enough."
He chucked again.
"That's too bad." He teased.
I lightly jabbed him in the arm that was leading me. "Return it."
"You want me to return it?" He asked in amusement.
"Yes!"
He smacked his lips. "I don't know about that juice."
"Too damn bad. I ain't taking it." I playfully scolded.
Secretly I wanted to know what it was but on the other hand I didn't want him to keep spending money on me. He should know by now that he didn't need to impress me.
"You positive?"
"Yep."
"...Are you sure?" He asked again.
I cocked my brow. He sighed. He knew what that meant. I was serious.
"Ya'll heard that peeps. She don't want you hear so bounce!" He called out.
Who the hell was he talking to? I furrowed my brows in confusion until I heard an all too familiar voice.
"Well fine den wench." Solange sucked her teeth. I'm sure she rolled her eyes and had her hip cocked to the side.
"Solo?!"
My mouth fell open and then a bunch of voices screamed out.
"SURPRISE!!!!"
I held my chest and tried to make out each one. I heard them approach me and I was pulled into multiple embraces. I felt a woman's chest against mine and I took a whiff and immediately squeezed tighter, burying myself into her soft wavy hair. I knew that perfume anywhere.
"Momma!"
She squeezed back with the same vigor. "Hey sugafoot. Oh I've missed ya bunches. How are ya? Have ya eaten?" She bombarded me with questions immediately.
I laughed. That's my momma. Always concerned. I left her questions unanswered and just squeezed her tighter. A hand rested on top of my head. A strong hand.
"Hey pumpkin."
I could hear the smile in his voice. I dug my face out the crook of my mother's neck and practically leaped into his arms. I was always a daddy's girl.
"Hi daddy!" I squealed.
"How's daddy's baby?"
"Good now." I smiled as he pecked my lips.
"Oh I see how it be, momma and daddy get all the love but I gets none? Rude heffa" Solo smacked her lips. "I ain't never liked ya no how."
"Oh solo hush." My mother giggled. "This ain't bout you boobaloo."
The room fell into laughter. I could hear Solo still complaining. I pulled out my father's hug and reached out.
"Solo come 'ere." My country twang coming through.
That tends to happen whenever I'm around my family. She walked up to me and placed herself into my arms. I hugged her.
"That's wut I thought." She said.
I popped her in the arms and she yelped. "Da hell ya do dat fo'?"
I shrugged. "It's jus what I do shawty."
She kissed her teeth. " Ion't gotta take this abuse. I will gladly take Juelz and be up outta here."
My ears perked up at the mention of my nephew. "Ooo where's Juelz!"
"Nuh uh, nope! Das wut you get." She teased.
I laughed at her treating her son like some toy that she refuses to share with me. It reminded me of how I used to drop kick her over my black barbies. Heffa knew she had her own. She didn't need mine.
I pouted. "Pweeeease! I'm sorry." I begged.
"Naw!" She continued to pester.
"Oh for God's sake!" I heard my mother exclaim. "Solo go get the boy out that play room."
Solo was midway into kissing her teeth but abruptly stopped. Momma must've given her the infamous cocked brow. I laughed to myself when I heard Solo's silent "yes ma'am."
"Ya'll too old fo' dis now." My mother complained, having witnessed years of our childhood disputes.
"It's just how we love each other ma." I replied.
"Yea ma, you know dis. Stop ackin' brand new." Solo voice came back from wherever she went.
We all laughed. Soon I heard little feet pitter-pattering toward me and my heart melted at his sweet little voice.
"Hi aunty BB!"
Juelz came crashing into my legs. His small arms wrapped around me, barely able to manage the entirety that is my hips. I leaned down to touch his head. I ran my fingers through his soft curls. I remembered him barely hitting my knees just a year ago when I went home for the Christmas holidays. I measured him against my leg. He was now up to my upper thighs. Time flies.
"Hi Juelz!"
He giggled and took my hand off his head and placed on his face. "See me BB! See me now?"
That was something Solo taught him when he was old enough to be aware of my blindness. She told him that I saw through my hands instead of my eyes. I cooed at his gesture. I pinched his cheeks.
"Oh yes Ju Ju, I see you and my goodness, you've gotten so tall!" I exaggerated to make him laugh. "I remember when you were this big." I pointed to my ankle.
"Nuh uh aunty BB. I wasn't dat lil."
I chuckled and raked through his curls again. "Yes you was."
"I'm a big boy now."
"Well are you too big now to give aunty kiss?" I asked.
"Maybe." He teased in the cutest voice ever.
I fake gasped and pouted which caused him to fall into a fit of giggles.
"No no I akiddin'... I no too big."
I smiled and reached down to pick him up. I puckered my lip and he pecked it. I loved this little boy so much. Like he was my own. Thinking about getting a chance to see him for the first time was one of the only things that eased the anxiety. I gave him a bear hug and raspberry kisses on his cheeks. My parents were commenting at our cute moment while Solo hated from the sidelines as usual. But that was all background noise. I was focused on my little man.
"Aunty BB who him?" He asked.
"Huh? Him who?" I asked resting him on my hip.
"Dat man."
I furrowed my brows and my mother chimed in. "He's pointing at your boyfriend sweetie."
"Oh!"
I had completely forgotten about him. Lost in the bliss that I was in hearing my family here. And then I began to wonder how they were here. I didn't tell them about the surgery.
"Hey little man, my name is Shawn." His voice was directly behind me.
All of a sudden my parents and Solo began to laugh. I was left out of the loop. According to momma, Juelz was mean-mugging Shawn and refused his handshake. Shawn chuckled.
"Oh you gon' do me like that?" He asked pretending to be hurt.
"Aunty BB my girlfren." He proclaimed.
I laughed when he hooked his arm around my neck, pressing me into his face.
"Awe hell nawl, dat is not how dat works boy. " Solange interjected. "We don't do dat here. Aunty BB is not your girlfriend."
She took him from out my arms as we all laughed. I turned to acknowledge Shawn for the first time since this little surprise.
"You brought them here?"
"Yeah, Kelly and Michelle helped me arrange it. I thought you'd want them here on this important day."
"Where is Kelly and Michelle by the way?" I asked.
"They're on their way soon." He replied.
"Yeah Shawn here gave your mama and I a call and told us the good news and helped pay for the flights. So here we are." My dad interjected the side convo.
"Oh Shawn, come here baby." I held out my hands to receive him.
When he felt close enough, I cocked my fist and lightly hit him in the chest.
He laughed. "What?!"
"Shawn I didn't tell them about the surgery on purpose. I wanted to fly back to Houston and surprise them." I whined.
"Well you're too slow. And you know I can out-surprise you any day. Plus you don't like surprises." He mocked.
I rolled my eyes.
"And about dat, when were you gonna tell us anythin'?" My mother quizzed, voice full of Texan sass. "Me and ya fatha had no clue even about Shawn here till just this morning'."
"I was gittin' 'round to tellin' ya'll." I mumbled.
"Mmhmmmm." She hummed.
My mother was very traditional in the sense of the family knowing of and approving the boys Solo and I dated. I remember back in high school the boys being so nervous to come to the Knowles girls' house because they knew they had to earn my father's approval. My dad would wait out on the porch with his machete that he'd pretend to sharpen to intimidate them. Half the time the boys didn't make it past the first step, let alone onto the actual porch. And if they did, they still had to get past my mother.
"No really ma! I had it all planned out an ev'rythang." I protested. "I had planned to fly out to you guys to reveal my sight and introduce you to the man that changed my life." I beamed.
"Well no thanks to you, Shawn handled all the introductions ova da phone." My mother shot.
I frowned at how Shawn managed to turn my mother against me, but giggled because it seemed as though she liked him by her tone.
"It's finally nice to finally meet you by the way suga."
"Thank you mama Tina." Shawn replied coolly.
Well damn. I guess they did get well acquainted. He bypassed the Mrs. Knowles title already. I was floored.
"Yeah son." There was a light patting noise where Shawn was standing next to me. "It's great to meet the man that is bringing my daughter such happiness. I can see it in my pumpkin's face." My dad gently nudged my chin causing me to blush and grin. "Iono how I can ever repay you for this."
The inflection in my dad's voice made my heart jerk. I could tell he still felt some way about not being able to pay for the surgery himself four years ago. He was a very prideful man. And whenever he felt he failed me or my sister, it hit him in the worst place for a man. His confidence.
"Don't you even worry about that Mr. Knowles. This isn't a favor." I felt Shawn sneak around me and he was now holding me from the back. "It's only half of what I could possibly give this woman. I love her." He kissed my temple.
I turned my head to his direction. Happy tears pooling in my eyes.
"I love you too."
He kissed me sensually, but conservatively. I knew he was keeping in mind that my parents were right there, but I didn't care. I parted my mouth and suckled his bottom lip. Just the way he liked. He broke our kiss with and rested his head against mine. I sighed at the loss of his lips.
"You heard what I said Bey." He tilted my head up. "This is only half baby."
A warm feeling spread across my chest and a chill ran up my spine.
"Is that a promise?" I asked with a smirk.
He chuckled. "Of course."
"Excuse me. Is Miss Knowles here?" A male voice asked.
The cheeriness of it let me know it was the doctor who examined my eyes last week. I couldn't remember his name, but I could never forget that jolly voice. I pictured him looking Santa in a white coat.
"Yes, yes I'm here." I answered.
I felt him grab hold of my hand to shake it.
"Ahh yes there you are. How are you?" The doctor asked.
I exhaled and smiled weakly. "Uhh, a little nervous."
"Oh the pre-surgery jitters. Yep everyone gets them." He said light-heartedly.
My parents soon introduced themselves to the doctor and he greeted them. I found out his name, Dr. Orwick. My mother, being my mother, has a slew of questions to ask. I was grateful because I too had a million and one questions but was too afraid of the answers to ask.
"How long will the surgery take?" She asked.
"Oh, it's a very short procedure. Only two hours or so." He answered warmly.
"And how will she feel afterward? Will her eyes hurt? Would she be able to see right away?"
"Lord Tina, calm down." My father laughed.
"Oh hush up Matt, ain't nobody payin' you no mind." She spat.
"Damn daddy you gon' take dat doe?" Solange instigated.
"Shut up Solange." He scolded.
"Well to try and answer all those questions..." Dr. Orwick began in like humor. "She may experience some tenderness and/or a scratchy sensation in her eyes. Potentially some redness may occur after surgery. However risks are rare for severe complications."
I sighed at that revelation. I was squeezing Shawn's hand for support and he would squeeze back as if saying, "I'm right here."
"Now we won't know how her eyes are right away because they'll be covered with wraps right after to avoid infection. We'll keep them wrapped for a couple of days for safe measure and to give Miss. Knowles a period to heal."
"Will she be awake the whole time?" My mother spoke softly, like she was terrified.
"Well typically we like our patiently fully awake but we also partially sedate them too, if they so choose." He responded. "Which would you prefer Miss. Knowles? Door number one or door number two?" He joked.
"Whichever one has me nice and drugged up doc."
He released a hardy laugh as did everyone else. But I was dead serious. I'd prefer to be out cold but I could settle for partial consciousness.
"Alright then. Sedation it is." Dr. Orwick chuckled. "I'm going to get prepped and I'll be back in a few to take you into the operating room okay?" He said rubbing my shoulder.
I nodded. "Okay."
We all thanked the doctor and I listened as his shoes clicked off to the distance.
"You scared sis?" Solo asked being serious for the first time.
There were nerves embedded in her voice.
I smiled and shrugged. "Nah."
She came up to me and hugged me. "I know ya are. Me too."
I held her tighter. We exchanged no words. Just resting in the comfort of the sisterly embrace. Another set of arms wrapped around my hips. Barely. I smiled.
"You get shot BB?" Juelz asked solemnly.
"What sweetie?"
"When I go doc-tour, I aways get shot. Mommy says it make you all betta." He explained.
"Awww yes, I'm gonna get a shot to fix my eyes." I played into his comprehension of what was going on.
"Ooohh! I hate needles BB, dey hurt. I cried. You gon' cry too?"
"I hope not." I answered truthfully.
I leaned down to rub his head.
"Mommy, dey gon' give BB SpongeBob 'ticker and lolly pop too?"
Solange giggled. "Yes Juelz, cuz BB's a big baby like you." She teased.
He gasped. "Uh uh! I'm no baby." He made huffing and puffing noises. "I'm strong like a dinosaur." He then proceeded to roar and I heard his little feet stomping around.
He was the sweetest thing.
"Boy stop all dat noise!" Solo chided.
"Sou-ry mommy." He paused. "Aunty BB don't be ascared, it jus 1 2 3 'kay?" There was a little snap sound. "Jus like dat 'kay?"
I smiled and pressed him in my legs. "Okay... 1 2 3" I repeated.
Just then, there were some footsteps approaching. I thought it would have been the doctor but it sounded more like two pairs of feet. The out-of-sync clicking gave it away. And it was more of a click-clack-click-clack pattern reminiscent of high heels.
"My Bey!" Kelly's boisterous ass screamed.
"Kelly must you always be loud." I joked.
She sucked her teeth. "Girl boo, no teddy bear or balloons for you then. Here Shawn."
I presumed she handed the items to him instead. I frowned.
"Oh Kells I was joking."
"Too bad heffa."
I could hear Michelle whooping it up in the background. Heffa is always cackling.
"Chelles you useless." I shot.
"What? Why?" She mused.
"Cause you always laughing at me and never helping."
"Oh girl stop. You know I don't get involved in none-a-ya'lls mess."
Kelly proceeded to greet my parents and Solo. Those two together was a mess. Solo and Kelly got into some loud banter which I ignored. Michelle joined into the conversation. Shawn was chuckling. My parents were into their own discussion. And Juelz's voice was bouncing from every direction. I wasn't sure what that boy was up to. But I was happy that all the people I loved were there. I just stood and listened to the commotion that was around me. Shawn and my father was off somewhere to my far right talking. I couldn't make out the details over the noise of the others, but by the tone it didn't seem like my dad's typical interrogations. No 'whatchu want boy? No 'what makes you think ya good enough for my pumpkin?' Nothing. I guess that was just the power of Shawn. His natural charm could woo anyone. Even my father. I was consumed by guilt. I needed to talk to Shawn.