My limbs tensed into solid, useless extensions. I was petrified. My heart pounded violently in my chest. This can't be real. This was the one time I wanted my ears to deceive me, but I knew that they hadn't. I never forget a voice. Especially not his. Boris was standing in front of me. The thought alone sent a very sudden and penetrating pain into the back of my head. Immobilized by terror, I held my breath when I felt him approaching. Every hollow thud of his footsteps forced my body to quake. When they stopped so did my heart. I closed my lids. I didn't even want my empty gaze in his direction. With his coarse hands, he softly cupped my face and I immediately shook out of it. How could he touch me so tenderly like he didn't cause me the most pain? The worst pain. He took something from me that, up until Shawn, I thought I'd never get back. All I could think about were those demented eyes of his the night he attacked me. Those being the last thing I saw ever since. I pinched my eyes tighter when I felt him caress my cheek again. A tear squeezed out.
"Bey, what's wrong?" He said in a soft, disappointed tone.
My skin crawled when I felt the breath of his words against my face. I could feel his 6'4 frame towering over me.
"Wh-...Ho-..." I didn't know where to start. "How did you find me?"
My question was barely audible.
"I went to our old brownstone but the landlord said you had moved years ago. He gave me the forwarding address from your postal mail, and here... here I am." He answered just as quietly.
He seemed reserved, almost insecure. My mouth trembled and I felt a flushing sensation in my face. I tried to keep some composure. The silence was all-consuming and ominous. Boris didn't move. The only sound from him was his breathing which was slightly unsteady. Not being able to tell what he was doing or thinking made me anxious. I was wondering what his expression was at the moment. Was it soft and warm or were his eyes still as black and wild as they were when I last saw them? The ambiguity of the whole situation encouraged me to take three steps back to create some distance between us. The first move I made since opening the door.
"What do you want?" I asked as calmly as I could.
I heard the floorboard creak as he was about to take another step. I held my hand up.
"Don't."
"What's wrong Bey? You don't look happy to see me."
I clenched down tightly on my jaw as the irony of his words hit me. The engulfing fear that I had, unexpectedly turned into a fiery ball of rage. I balled up my fists and unleashed the wrath of 4 year-long resentment. My arms went flailing in every direction. I was reckless but I didn't care, as long as I hit my target.
"I HATE YOU!!!"
My words were filled with venom. I punched into the air with all my might. My hand came in contact with what felt like his nose. Boris yelped in pain.
"Beyoncé! Stop!" He shouted, his voice muffled.
I could feel him trying to block my hits. It only made me fight harder, trying to break past his barrier. Loud smacking noises infiltrated my ears which gave me more motivation to strike. Eventually he over powered me by grabbing my wrists. I panicked.
"LET GO OF ME!"
I twisted and turned. The scene of that awful night immediately played in my head. I tried to snatch out of his grip but it was firm. Tears streaked my face.
"Beyoncé listen to me..."
My arms began to tire out from the added resistance of his hold. I untightened my fists-arms now hanging limp by my sides. I caught my breath as I let the adrenaline subside. I held my head down low. He lifted my chin and I swatted his hand.
"Bey look at me." He whispered.
I snarled. "I. Can't."
"Wh-, what?" His voice wavered.
He sandwiched my face between his hands. I assumed he tried to look into my dead eyes.
"I said, I. CAN'T!" I exacerbated each word. "Get off of me! You did this to me!"
I slapped his hands out the way again.
"No I... Bey listen. I never meant to hurt you." He pleaded.
He was getting closer. I backed away again.
"Beyoncé I'm sorry! I'm so sorry."
"Sorry won't bring my sight back." I snapped.
He went silent.
"You-, you honestly think I meant to do this to you?" He couldn't even say the word. There was a mixture of pain and insult in his tone as if he was offended. "Beyoncé I loved you with all my heart.... I STILL love you now! I was sick Bey... I was real sick but I'm better now."
He drew me into him and pressed his forehead against mine. A tear rolled down my face. It was his. I shook my head.
"And what do you want me to do huh?! Jump for joy? Take you back?!" I yelled. "...Make love to you like I used to?" I whispered.
I couldn't fathom ever being able to do that again.
"I don't know... but I know that, that night was the biggest regret of my life. When they told me what I did to you... I..." He choked up.
"I couldn't believe it. That person wasn't me Bounce...this is me."
I cringed at the name. "Don't you ever call me that again."
He placed my hands on his face. "This is me right here Bey. Please let me explain..."
I tore my hands off. "Get out of my house."
I turned around and walked forward, presumably heading towards my kitchen. I was flustered, angry, and hurt. My mind wasn't the clearest at the moment. I tried to focus on my mental blueprint of my home. I held out my arms feeling the most lost I've ever been.
"Beyoncé." He called behind me.
I ignored him and quickened my pace, hoping I would bump into something that would serve as a marker and point of reference. I tried to tune Boris out as he proceeded to explain himself. All the noise was distracting.
I spun around. "Why didn't you tell me you were some sick freak?! Huh?"
He was silent again. My words were harsher than what I intended, but I had no remorse. At least I was now able to listen to what I was doing. I turned back and continued to walk straight ahead. I stretched my arms wide, making a cross. I finally felt something. I caressed it. It was the refrigerator's handle.
"Because I had it under control... as long as I took my medication I was fine. And I didn't want you to think I was some 'sick freak'." He repeated in disdain. "I didn't want to lose you baby."
"I'm not your baby. And it's too late... I already think that. You're a monster."
"Come on now, you're not being fair."
"Fuck fair!" I shouted. "Was this fair?!" I motioned over my eyes.
I heard him sigh. There was no way for him to respond to that. His voice shrunk.
"Bey...you mean to tell me after all those years together... that's what you think of me Bey?" I didn't realize but he was now directly behind me. "Beyoncé you know me. We were so happy, don't you remember that?" His arms encircled my waist. "Weren't you happy Bey?" He whispered. He kissed the nape of my neck.
His voice was so soft. That was the voice I remembered in college. The one I fell in love with. My heart clenched. Those memories I refused to let surface. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing that I was indeed happy. Extremely happy. There was a time I thought we would've gotten married. Had kids.
Not anymore.
"I clearly don't know you. I didn't know anything about you because if I did, I would have never..."
"Bey don't say that." He wouldn't even let me finish the sentence. "Don't say we wouldn't be together."
I pressed my face against the fridge as muted tears escaped my eyes. He was hugging me from behind whispering the words 'I'm sorry' over and over again. The more I heard it, the angrier I was becoming. I shoved him off of me.
"Get out of my house." I said coldly.
"Bey... please, I wasn't on my meds..."
I ran over to where I knew the counter was and felt around quickly. I grabbed the first thing I felt. It was a dish
"When my father was laid off, he lost his health plan and I couldn't..."
"I said, get out!" I tossed it and it made a thunderous crashing noise.
"Aye!" He yelled.
CRASH
I tossed another one. "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"
His voice was moving all over the place, like he was ducking and dodging. He was still trying to explain himself. I grabbed a few more plate and heaved them wherever I heard his voice.
CRASH
CRASH
"Are you crazy?!" He yelled. The nerve.
There was another distant sound that I couldn't make out. It was a light thud. Then there was another set of footsteps.
"What the fuck?!"
It was Shawn. I ceased fire and placed the plate back on the counter.
"Shawn!!"
Then I heard someone throw a punch. Then there was some scuffling. It sounded like one of them went crashing into fridge, which was only a few steps to the left of me. I jumped back. There was a guttural groan and cough. I wasn't sure who it was. I clamped my mouth in suspense. More punches were thrown. More grunts. More groans. I was hoping to God Shawn was the one throwing those hits.
"Shawn?" I called out no longer able to take what I was hearing.
"I got it Bey."
When he responded I sighed a breath of relief.
"Who the fuck are you?" I heard Boris cough out.
Both men were panting. I presumed they were just squaring off now. Someone hooked their arm across my chest and pushed me to the side. I pushed against it ready to start swinging again.
"It's okay baby, it's me." Shawn replied. "Move."
I nodded and scooted over into the corner.
"That doesn't matter. The question is why are you here in my girl's house?" He quizzed.
Boris winced. "Your girl?"
"Yes MY girl."
"So this is what changed your mind Bey?" Boris questioned.
I could hear him take a couple steps toward me but Shawn must have pushed him back. Shawn sandwiched me between his back and the wall.
"Huh Bey? Tell me one thing if he wasn't in the picture would I be?" He paused waiting for my response. "Would I?!"
I sniffled and buried my face into Shawn's back. I didn't answer. I could feel Shawn's back muscles flexing.
"I'll only say this once, leave! NOW!" Shawn's voice was booming with anger.
"Beyoncé." Boris was about to plead.
"Please... just leave." I whispered.
I heard him sigh and curse underneath his breath. Then there was another crashing sound. I jumped. Shawn pressed me closer to the wall. Each of Boris' steps made a crunching noise- from the scattered broke dishes.
"I won't give up on us Bounce."
The front door slammed. For the first time since the whole altercation, I exhaled. I wrapped my arms around Shawn's waist. He shifted in my arms and hugged me back. Already I just wanted to forget everything that just happened. He consoled me until I calmed down from the excitement.
"You alright baby?" I asked reaching up to his face.
I caressed every inch of it in search of any cuts or swelling. I ran my fingertips over his lips and he winced.
"Ssssss ahh." He retreated.
Boris busted his lip.
"Oh Shawn..."
"It's nothing." He shook his head out of my prying hands.
"Come here baby." I reached to the side of me for the counter top to guide me and took his hand.
I led him over to the sink. Grabbing a washcloth, that I kept draped over the faucet, I soaked it in cool water and held it up to his lip. I dabbed his mouth a few times before he took the cloth from me. The air between us was static. I could tell Shawn was still swollen with anger the way he snatched the cloth from me. I knew it wasn't intentional. I bit my lip wondering what must've been going on in his head. He was breathing heavy. I could hear him mumbling obscenities behind his wincing. I wanted to know if he was going to ask me what that whole scene was about, though it didn't seem like he would. I actually didn't want to talk about it. However, the silence was doing nothing but causing me to ruminate in the negative space Boris left behind. I decided to break the ice first.
"What took you so long?"
"Long line." He said in short.
I nodded absently. More time elapsed.
"Was that him?" He finally asked.
"Yeah."
He hesitated. "Want to talk about it?"
I shook my head. "No."
"Okay."
That killed the conversation. I sighed and raked through my hair as I thought about how the kitchen must have looked-a disaster that's what. Shawn sensed my frustration and scooped me up off my feet.
"Come, let me take you upstairs. I'll clean this mess up in the morning."
I made no protests and rested my head on his shoulders. He carried me up the stairs, crunching all the way to my bedroom and laid me down. He swiftly joined me under the sheets and cuddled up behind me. I didn't sleep the entire night. I'm sure he didn't either.