"I think you should go back." He repeated for the third time.
I was curled up in a little ball in the middle of my bed, wrapped in a quilted blanket. Ignoring his suggestion again, I busied myself with some loose threads, twirling the strand around my finger before plucking it out. I chewed my bottom lip and remained quiet.
"Beyoncé I know you hear me." Al lightly scolded through the phone.
I sighed before yanking another thread from the quilt.
"I know." I mumbled and pulled myself up into a seated position. "I just don't want to."
"Why not? You even said so yourself that it wasn't all that bad." He took pleasure in reminding me of my words a few days ago.
I could see the stupid smug on his face through the phone. A cocky and crooked smile with his head tilted up. I pushed out a long and exaggerated breath through tight lips which made him chuckle. He knew he had me.
"I know, but..." I scanned my brain for the excuse I know I didn't have.
"But nothing."
I flicked another piece of string across the bed while listening to his griping about me going back to therapy. Truth be told, he was right and I didn't have any reason to not return. But I was stubborn. All I could think about is the way I ended my sessions with Gabrielle. I'm sure my storming out left a bad taste in her mouth about me. And on top of that, it's been over 3 weeks since I last stepped foot in her office. I haven't been keeping count, but I'm pretty sure I wasted the last few sessions that I did have left with her. Kelly and Michelle still don't know about that.
I rubbed my forehead still engaged in my internal conflict. It's probably best that I stayed away. That option made more sense in my head.
"It's been way too long." I bemoaned hoping he would see the sense that I saw.
"And whose fault is that Beyoncé?"
"Mine."
I sighed heavily. It was like I felt his arms blanketed around me when Al's tone changed.
"You know I care about you right?" He said soothingly.
I nodded like if he were in the room and could see me. "I know."
"Good. And all I'm saying is that you've come a long way and you need to keep pushing. Turning back now will only leave you stuck in that deep hole, trust me." He paused letting his words hang on the line.
They seeped through my earphone and reached out to me, feeling like a soft caress on the cheek. I clenched the phone.
"You can do this." He encouraged.
Since that turbulent, emotional, but cathartic weekend at Al's house, we've grown closer. We were comforted in the familiarity of each others' sorrow. The shared pain was like our umbilical cord. It kept us connected. It was strange to think that heartache could bond two individuals together-like how love was supposed to. But it did with us. Whenever I experienced that suffocating feeling, where things got too heavy and I felt like I was ready to drown, I would call him. He would pull me up to the surface before I did and give me the breath that I needed. Simple gestures that he would do or little words of encouragement he would say were very impactful to me. Unlike in going to therapy, he provided something for me that I didn't get with Dr. Union. His words weren't clinical. They were empathetic. There was an unspoken understanding because he could instantly relate. How did that make you feel, were excess and irrelevant words. He already knew. I didn't have to explain that to him.
I sniffled. "Why can't you just be my therapist?" I asked in slight humor.
I was partially serious. I would rather vent to him. Al laughed richly which made me chuckle a little myself.
"Because I'm no expert." He replied like he was stating the obvious.
"So what?"
"Beyoncé!"
"Okay, okay." I gave in. "You're probably annoyed by me anyway."
I sunk back into my bed and sandwiched the phone between my cheek and the mattress, returning to my initial curled up ball position.
"You really think that?" He asked.
I sniffled again. "I don't know. I mean I really have been pestering you lately with all my problems." I feigned a weak laugh. "And here I am probably dampening your mood every day. I'm pitiful."
"You're not pitiful and feel free to always dampen my mood." He joked for a second. "But really, I don't want you thinking like that. You give me purpose."
"What do you mean?"
"I already told you, I want to help you fix it in any way that I can... but I can't do all of it, you need to want to do it for yourself too."
With that he grabbed his keys while I ran back upstairs to retrieve my shoes. We exited the house and hopped into his car. For the first time, the drive with him wasn't tense. We made casual conversation and I made it a point to keep it light. The only time the flow of conversation caught a snag was when he would ask me something related to my past, being that he had been the one doing most of the soul-bearing this weekend. I would switch the subject quickly. He wouldn't say anything about it but I know he noticed. Although he was really expressive to me, I wasn't quite ready to return that favor. I know it wasn't fair. After all, I did just learn that I am selfish. Besides I just got used to not running like a bat outta hell to get away from him. Now I actually enjoyed being around him. Eventually I might let him in... maybe.
We pulled up to my driveway and we said our goodbyes.
"Goodbye Beyoncé."
I smiled and leaned over and kissed his cheek. He seemed a little stunned. I was rather surprised myself, though I chose not to show it.
"Goodbye Al."
I hopped out of his car and closed the door. He sat looking at me through the window. I looked right back standing in my same position with my hand on the handle. Bowing my head, I mouthed a gracious 'thank you'. He mimed a 'no problem' before backing out of my driveway.
I took in a large inhaled breath as I approached my front door. On the inside I was praying that both Kelly and Michelle were nowhere near my house. There was such an eagerness in Kelly's voice when she found out I was still at Lazaro's house this morning, which is leading me to believe that she was definitely inside lurking with her million and one questions. Jesus couldn't hold back a nosy and highly determined Kelly, let alone Michelle. I cautiously opened my front door. Only enough to peek my head in to look for any warning signs of them being there. Inch by inch I squeezed my body through the ajar opening with my eyes still peeled and scanning over the living room. My ears were perked up like a dog, listening. I tipped toed throughout the house, from the living room into the kitchen, traveling upstairs to search my bedroom as well as the guest rooms. The coast seemed clear. The breath I was holding in was released into a grateful sigh. Michelle must have managed after all. I headed back into my room and collapsed onto the mattress.
"Explain yourself!"
I screamed when Kelly and Michelle busted out of my bathroom. Why didn't I check in there?
"What the hell Kelly?!" I yelled.
"Mmm." Kelly shook her head with a smug expression. "Look Chelles, I betcha that's the same clothes she was wearing last night. Is this the morning after heffa?"
I scrunched up my nose in disgust. "Ughhh no Kelly!"
Michelle was standing off to the side idly. Quiet and uninvolved as usual. I glared at her. She acted like she was preoccupied with her finger nails, flicking the dirt particles from underneath.
"Michelle!"
"What?" She feigned surprise.
"So, tell us was it good?" Kelly intercepted.
I bypassed her question completely, focusing on Michelle and her traitor ass. I bore holes through her with my eyes and she was struggling to avoid them. Uncomfortable, she began to fidget a little. She switched from fiddling with her nails to playing with her bangles. She must have been all out of dirt.
"Michelle!!" I hollered once again.
She threw her hands up in defeat. "Look, I tried to keep her from coming over." She shifted her bangles again. "But then she told me you were shackin' up with ol' boy and then I wanted to know too." She mumbled from the side of her mouth.
Kelly invited herself onto my bed with a giant thud. "Now spill the beans!!"
"There's nothing to spill." I stood to my feet, moving away from her.
"So why are you just now coming home?" She pried. "Long night?" She said with that same smug.
Sighing, I palmed my forehead. I was regretting ever letting that fact slip. What the hell can I tell them? I paused. They waited. I decided to tell them only fragments of the truth.
"Well we went out to dinner and I was being really rude to him and treated him like crap for the entire date."
Both their mouths fell open. "Beyoncé!"
I held my hand up. "I know, I know. He didn't deserve it but I was just being stubborn." I sighed. "To make a long story short, I wasn't giving him a fair chance to get to know me and he made me realize that after our huge blowout."
"You guys had a blowout?" Michelle seemed shocked. "A blowout over what?"
I scratched the back of my neck and studied my feet. I was too embarrassed by my actions at that dinner. As the scene replayed in my head, I cringed involuntarily.
"I kinda...let it slip out that uh..." I peeked up from my toes to see their eyebrows raised in suspense. "I told him how I was only dating him because you guys forced me to." I admitted lowly.
Just when I thought their brows couldn't raise any higher, they shot up to the ceiling.
"What?!" Kelly blurted out. "Tell me you didn't Bey!"
When I didn't respond they knew that I did. Kelly shook her head like she still couldn't believe it.
"That was foul girl." Michelle added.
I was feeling horrible all over again. "I know, I know. I was just...I..." I huffed. "was being selfish."
"Well how did he react?" Kelly asked.
"He looked pretty hurt."
"I bet!" She replied sarcastically.
"I know!" I whined.
I told them vaguely about us arguing and causing a scene at the restaurant, and him storming out on me. Kelly and Michelle listened on like they were getting a plot summary from last week's episode of General Hospital that they forgot to TiVo. My life was starting to feel that way. Like a poorly-written soap opera. I continued.
"Then I got into the car and he wouldn't even look at me. He just stared straight ahead and drove. Then I noticed he missed my stop and I told him that but he ignored me and kept on driving. He ended up driving to his house instead and he left me in the car."
"No he didn't." Michelle gasped.
I nodded.
"So what'd you do?"
"I stayed in the car hoping that it was all a joke." I shook my head. "But he didn't come back out, so I went inside to curse him out some more. I was so angry."
"You know you were wrong with how you treated that man." Kelly reiterated.
I nodded quietly. I had no room to argue her down or justify my actions.
"Then what?" Michelle asked.
I hesitated. "We just ended up letting our guards down and talking the entire night. He opened up to me in a way that made me change my opinion about him." I finished leaving out huge chunks of the story. Like the part about me throwing water in his face and causing Al's emotional meltdown. "It got really late and he insisted that I stayed in his guest room and promised to drop me home in the morning. So that's what I did."
"So nothing happened between you two?" Michelle asked.
Images of us half naked on the living room floor resurfaced. My skin seared.
"No, we just talked."
I could see Kelly was gearing up to ask a follow up question so I prepped myself.
"But..."
"Well I'm just so proud of you for finally opening up to him Bey." Michelle cut in. Thank goodness. "Even though you almost messed things up, you at least made it right. We keep saying this but you are really come a long way."
"Yeah Bey, you have." Kelly agreed with a proud nod, clearly side-tracked. "I'm glad you stuck it out with the therapy and all of our pestering."
The conversation took a turn from one unwanted topic to another. Lord what am I going to say about therapy now? I caught a gnawing feeling in the pit my stomach. I bit my lip. "Yeah me too." I mumbled.
Dead air filled the room for a little while. We were all digesting.
"Uhh, let's go out and do something." I offered. I didn't want to give them any opportunity to ask more prying questions about that.
I made my way over to my closet to pick out a change of clothing. I had my mind set on that jazz spot Al took me to for our second date. It was the perfect way to avoid serious conversation.
"You wanna go out? Voluntarily?" Kelly asked in disbelief with a short chuckle.
I sucked my teeth. "Yes, I know this nice restaurant with great food and great music." I replied holding a crème top against my chest. They looked at each other, both wanting the confirmation from the other that they heard correctly. I rolled my eyes at their dramatics. Is it really that surprising that I, for a change, wanted to do something other than be in my house?
"They got gumbo." I added, looking for the shoes to match.
I knew I had them after that.
"Well that's all you had to say!" Kelly exclaimed.
"Good. Let me change and we can head out." I said as I entered my bathroom.
"Okay."
I closed the door behind me and used it for support. I felt bad for lying to them so much, but the truth wasn't exactly an option either. I quickly got myself together. I simply brushed my teeth and splashed a little water on my face since I showered at Al's place. Within minutes I was dressed and heading downstairs where Kelly and Michelle were waiting on the couch channel surfing.
"Ok let's go." I said grabbing my car keys from the hook next to the front door.
They hopped up, leaving the TV running of course. I shook my head, grabbed the remote that was wedged between the cushions and flicked it off. I rolled my eyes and Kelly shrugged.
"My bad."
We left my house and piled into my Nissan. Since it was afternoon, there was no live jazz band playing which was kind of what I was banking on. I should have known better. However, there was still some light radio music playing soft jazz in the background. It's not nearly as distracting as blaring horns and booming snares, but it will have to do. We were greeted and seated and handed our menus. Almost instinctual, I began hiding behind the menu. I could hear Kelly and Michelle marveling over the décor of the restaurant like I did when I first came.
"This place is too nice." Michelle complimented.
"I know right! And the food looks even better. Ahhh I feel like I'm back in Houston in Mama Tina's kitchen." Kelly smile nostalgically.
I smiled also reminiscing on those days. My smile fell shortly after as guilt crept up on me. I cleared my throat. "Uhm, yeah, that's why I had to bring you here."
"How'd you find this place?"
Oh lord. Mentioning Al's name again would only open the flood gates of Kelly's nosiness. I took a sip from my water.
"Hello, my name is Aaron and I'll be servicing you this afternoon." A young, dark skinned man with light brown eyes said approaching our table. "Can I take you ladies order?" He smiled politely.
"Perfect timing." I whispered.
"I'm sorry ma'am?" He leaned over with his pen and pad.
"Oh, excuse me, yes I'm ready. Are ya'll ready?" I looked over to Kelly and Michelle.
Kelly was too busy checking out the waiter. Michelle nudged Kelly. Probably interrupting some nasty daydream. The waiter looked over to Kelly and smirked.
"How about you beautiful?" He licked his lips slowly and Kelly's small grin turned into a big toothy-smile.
"Give me a minute." She winked before coolly lifting the menu up to her eyes.
I shook my head at the scene before me and Michelle rolled her eyes.
"Well I'm ready." Michelle said trying to capture Aaron's attention.
He cleared his throat and diverted his attention to Michelle. "Yes ma'am."
Michelle ordered red beans n' rice with shrimp creole. Kelly remained hidden behind her menu. He turned to me.
I decided to stick with what I knew. "I'll have the gumbo please."
"I'll have the same." Kelly finally replied with seduction in her eyes.
The waiter smiled extra big and bit his lip. "Sure thing."
He let his hand linger taking her menu away before retreating. Kelly leaned back in her chair to watch him walk away, shaking her head impressed.
"Would you like some water for your thirst?" Michelle asked handing Kelly a glass.
I cosigned with a small chuckle.
Kelly playfully sucked her teeth. "Green ain't ya color chelles."
I sat back and let them bicker. I didn't want to say or do anything that would turn the attention back on me. My mind wandered off on its own as their voices became white noise. My eyes scanned around the restaurant. I started to people watch. I spotted a nice little family of four: a man, his wife, and a son and daughter. The kids seemed very young, like in the single digits. The couple were engaged in conversation, filled with laughter and smiles while the kids were making a mess of their food. The man leaned over with a napkin to wipe his son's mouth-his eyes still connected to his wife's. The family were the ideal. Sitting across from me was the American dream. They were what everyone eventually aspired to have. What I wanted to have... with Shawn. I was instantly envious of their happiness. The look in the woman's eyes looking at her husband was enough to make me hate her. She was able to look into the face of the man responsible for the love she had in her eyes. And that familiar hot sting crept up behind mine. I got up from the table not wanting to cry in front of my friends.
"Hey, where you going?" Michelle asked.
"Uh, I'm just going to the restroom."
I was hoping they couldn't hear the crack in my voice. Their eyes told me they did.
"You okay?" Kelly said, easing up from her seat.
I half-chuckled. "Yeah. I'm fine."
"You need me to go with you?"
"I think I can handle going to the bathroom all my myself mom." I said rolling my eyes.
"Alright girl." She said lowering back into her chair.
I headed towards the bathroom but stopped myself halfway. This was becoming too routine.
"No, I'm not gonna do this again." I told myself.
I took a deep breath and exhaled. "Stop this." I whispered.
I rested against a nearby wall. I peered around the corner and looked at my friends sitting there, laughing, smiling, and enjoying the scene and I was reminded of Al's words. Look at what I have. What I still have. My friends have been saying over and over again that they were only trying to help me. Up until now it had been words falling on deaf ears. Their actions were also falling on blind eyes. But now I see it. I see my support system sitting at that table. I smiled warmly.
The waiter had returned with our food. He and Kelly were still flirting with each other and Michelle sat there looking irritated and amused. He had turned around to leave the table and was heading in my direction. As he was passing he smiled politely at me and an idea popped into my head.
"Oh excuse me." I called over my shoulder.
"Yes ma'am, your food is out there waiting for you." He replied.
I gave a quick nod. "Thanks."
"You're welcome."
"I saw how you were flirting with my friend over there." I jutted my chin toward the table.
He chuckled and wiped his mouth, clearly a little embarrassed with me calling him out. "Uh..."
"It was quite obvious." I interrupted. "You like her?"
"I think she's very attractive, yeah... I guess you can say I like her."
I motioned for him to hand me his pen and notepad. "You should give her a call sometime."
I handed it back to him and he smiled at the paper with Kelly's number scribbled on it.
"I will."
"Good!"
I laughed myself all the way to the table and Kelly and Michelle looked on like I lost my damn mind.
"What?" I asked when my laughter died down.
Kelly simply smiled. I could have sworn that I saw her eyes water a little.
She shook her head. "Nothing."
We dug into our food. It was so good. Michelle and I spent the entire time pestering Kelly about the waiter.
"How old is he anyway Kells?" I asked. "He seemed young."
"Twelve." Michelle belted out with a hardy laugh.
Kelly rolled her eyes and flipped us the bird. "I hate ya'll. And old enough wench."
I must admit, I enjoyed being on this side. I can see why Kelly loved to nag me so much. It was so much fun. Michelle continued to crack jokes. I grabbed my glass to sip my drink and stifle my laughter when my eyes caught something familiar. I squinted to look closer and I almost spit out my lemonade when her eyes caught mine. I quickly looked away, but I knew she saw me. I held my head down and rested my forehead in my palm. I tried to peek over again through my fingers. Yep, my eyes weren't deceiving me. Gabrielle was sitting over there with some other woman. Her expression was unreadable. I felt a bead of sweat form around my hairline. I looked down again and fiddled with my fork. My heart was racing. She was the last person I wanted to see.
"Bey! Are you even listening?" Michelle asked.
"Huh? Oh... uh, what'd you say?"
My mind was too preoccupied to even listen when she repeated herself. I sat stiff at the table.
I bet she's really upset. I mean it has been a week since I've been in her office. And I stormed outta there again on top of that. I'm pretty sure upset is an understatement. Why is she even here? And why must she be here when I'm here? Honestly what were the odds of that happening? Is she a jazz fan as well? What if she comes over here? OH GOD, WHAT IF SHE COMES OVER HERE?!"
My mind was exhausted with all the thoughts I had bouncing around. That last thought forced me to look in her direction again. I saw Gabrielle excuse herself from the table. I gasped.
"Damn it."
I bit my knuckle and silently prayed she was heading to the bathroom.
God please don't make her come over here. Please, please, please! Don't make her come over here.
"Beyoncé!" Kelly called out this time.
"What?!"
"Girl, what's wrong with you?"
My fingers were in knots.
"You acting all weird and shit."
My heart was pounding in my chest as my eyes followed Dr. Union. She smirked as she got closer to the table.
"Beyoncé Knowles...is that you?!" She hurried over feigning surprise. "Oh my goodness it is! How are you?" She replied cheerfully.
I eyed her suspiciously as she reached over for a hug. We embraced. I looked over to my friends who seemed just as confused. Gabrielle pulled away and I smiled weakly.
"Hey."
"Long time no see huh?" She emphasized the 'long' part. "How've you been?"
"I uh, i-, I um, I been o- okay, I guess." I stuttered.
I was so uncomfortable because I didn't know what she had up her sleeves, but I knew there was something there. She turned to my friends and smiled brightly.
"Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?" She asked.
"Um, of course... k-Kelly, Michelle... this is doc- uh, um, I mean this is Gabrielle."
Gabrielle extended her hand to greet them. They smiled politely but it was evident they didn't know what was going on.
"Oh so you're Michelle and Kelly. I've heard so much about you."
My chest tightened. Oh my god I hope she doesn't tell them who she is.
"Really now?" Kelly replied glancing over to me, still shaking hands with her. "I'm sorry I can't say that I've heard of you. What was your name again?"
Gabrielle chuckled. "Gabrielle."
"Nice to meet you." She smiled.
"How do you know Beyoncé?" Michelle asked.
I looked over at Dr. Union with horror in my eyes and she looked back at me. I subtly shook my head. I'm sure she was detecting everything I was thinking. There was no doubt there. My concern was if she would ignore it and sell me out.
"We..." I struggled to come up with something right away.
"Oh, we had a few art classes in back at Fordham." Gabrielle covered. "Ughhh, remember Prof. Jones?" She asked in pretend annoyance.
I laughed nervously. "Yeah, I hated her so much."
"I'm sure she hated you too Bounce." She joked, erupting in more laughter.
Michelle and Kelly giggled at the name.
"Bounce?" Kelly asked.
"Yeah, Prof. Jones could never pronounce her name right. She called her Bounce on the first day of classes when Beyoncé was running late. That was the highlight of the semester." Gabrielle shook her head in a reminiscent manner.
All I could think is that this woman was crazy... but God was she good at the same time.
"It wasn't that funny." I mumbled as Kelly's and Michelle's laughter grew.
"Sounds funny to me Bounce." Michelle teased.
I shot her a death glare. She pursed her lips and cleared her throat. I didn't want to hear that nickname ever again. Gabrielle felt the tension that was forming and quickly changed the topic.
"Well anyway, it was nice meeting you two."
"You too." They both said.
"And it was great running into you Beyoncé." She said turning to me. "Hope to see you around."
She gave me a look and I smiled half-heartedly. "You too Gabby."
With that she turned on her heel and left, returning back to where she came from. I sighed a breath of relief once she was gone.
"She seemed nice." Michelle pointed out.
Kelly nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I didn't know she went to Fordham too. I don't remember seeing her around."
"Well Fordham was a big ass school." Michelle reminded.
"Mmhmm." I sipped my drink.
I glanced back over to Gabrielle's table. She still had that unreadable expression on her face. She had moved on to talking with her friend at the table as if all was normal.