Koko watched you as you laid sprawled out on his couch in the new lingerie set he had gotten you as a surprise.
He was seated opposite of you on a lounge chair while you occupied the entire couch to yourself.
Your arm was currently thrown over your eyes as you were rather frustrated. Both of you had gotten home from dinner, your belly was full and you were pretty tired.. wanting nothing more than to lay down and sleep but Koko insisted on you 'modeling' the new items, you got, for him. Including his surprise deal.
Now here you were, lying on the couch.
It wasn't like you didn't like what he had gotten you. It was just the way it was absolutely not your style nor your color.
It was a cute playful set, a pastel yellow set with white flowers embroidered and lace. Now if you were the type to be all cutesy and childish, eh... *cough cough*, if you were the type to be all cutesy cute cute and would wear regularly pastel pinks and yellow with flowers and glitter, you might've liked it.
But you were a grown woman with a different taste.
Your favorite lingerie color was simply black with lace, occasionally going for dark colors like burgundy but that was the most color you had. Unless you wore something white, you always had dark lingerie.
It made you wonder once more, was that supposed to be for someone else or did he truly just thought it would look good on you? You couldn't bother. Really, you couldn't. You were the entire day in a tense state. It didn't make it better. Not one bit.
"Koko..", you mumbled as he sighed out, muttering, "I'm sorry", before you heard him get up and walk towards you. You felt the couch dip a bit near your waist, as you shifted your arm away from your face, locking eyes with him. Sitting slightly up, you reached your hand out towards his face, cupping it, giving him a small smile, "I know you just meant well but you gotta understand that I have a different preferred style than you."
Though he only shook his head, guilt creeping up on him as he stared at your kind eyes. He knew exactly why he had picked this set out.
It would've suited her personality and her look..
Another sigh and shake of his head, he turned his gaze towards a corner in the room. Trying to remind himself over and over that you are not her.
He felt weird in a sense, he saw you as an individual. He saw you as, well, you.. but occasionally his mind would drift towards a certain sunflower blonde girl that he has lost years ago. He knew that the other executives noticed how his taste in women always reduced themselves to the same look, shoulder long blonde hair, emerald eyes and a sorta soft expression on their face. Telling them to always smile. But no one questioned it as they all have their little fetishes and weird dark secret that no one knew off.
He didn't want to compare you to her, after all you did caught his attention because you were so different.
But after spending so much time with you and getting to know you a bit better than before, he couldn't stop himself and started to look for parallels. The way you always so prettily and genuinely smiled. The way you always cheekily responded to him and the others. The way your eyes lit up at things you liked. The longer your hair got, the more he saw her in you and it pissed him off.
He got even more pissed at himself, as you were lying there, a comforting hand on his cheek as you told him it's alright that he got you something that isn't your taste because all he could think about when buying that was her face.
A light yellow flower lace set that would've looked stunning with her sunflower hair.
It hurt him to know that he disappointed you. He didn't want to hurt you, he didn't want to disappoint you. All he wanted was to show you that he cared just as much for you as Kakucho, seemingly, cared for you.
Another thing that pissed him gradually off.
The way Kakucho treated you like he was your self proclaimed man and he knew damn well it wasn't because of Mikey. Kakucho took care of you because he likes you. He was glad that Ran had fucked up somehow, giving Koko more opportunity to climb up the letter towards your ranking list.
You probably didn't even had one, as you were too kind to compare them to each other, he didn't know a lot but he knew so much that you would treat everyone equal. No favoritism as you would probably feel bad for doing so.
So much he knew and even if you would deny it, he would be able to see right through it, catching a moment where your true color would show and even if it was just distributing food between them. He knew you would try to give everyone an equal amount or even consider the fact that some eat more than the others, distributing the food accordingly to the person because you were just that kind and attentive.
And it pissed him off, cause it reminded him of her kindness.
Couldn't you have been a bit meaner? Or maybe you were but he chose to ignore it.
Right.
He chose to ignore it the moment he started to see parallels. His own delusional parallels that he practically made up out of thin air. Just because you were kind and nice, that didn't automatically mean you were instantly like her. No.
He chose to ignore it because he was an idiot.
So the question, 'couldn't you have been a bit meaner' was actually overdue.
Cause there were several moments where the most vulgar words came sprouting out of your mouth known in vocabularies towards another gang member or boss. No shame, whatsoever, as you yelled profanities at people that were pissing you off. A big mouth, a foul mouth, that was what you had when someone was not being nice to you.
Those moments, he was being honest, were moments he cherished in a weird way. Cause it showed everyone that despite you being a literal angel, you could also quickly turn into someone who could probably wreak havoc if she wanted to.
The manslaughter and Arson, crimes still in the back of his mind. The tattoos on your body reminding him that you were not pure and untainted as you seem at first glance.
That you weren't her.
Her who was a kind soul who guided him, telling him she'll wait for him. Who always smiled and helped him. Her library, a place of peace and quiet, her favorite place.
You on the other hand, god, you were peace and war. You were laughter and sadness. You were the quiet sea and the loud crashing waves. You were simply... balance. You weren't just black or white. You were black and white. You were grey. You were a light airy blue and a dark sultry wine red. You were a sunny shining yellow and a shrilling loud pink. Everything and nothing.
He would be damned if he fucked it up with you.
As he leaned into your touch, his own hand found yours, kissing your knuckles as he carefully laid down on you. Head on your chest, hugging you slightly.
"I'm sorry", he repeated once more and again and again as you started to furrow your brows. Hugging him to yourself.
There was so much to unravel about him, you could tell... but you opted to stay silent, your plan ringing in your head over and over again as you saw him like this. You had to leave, as soon as possible. As long as your body and mind were cooperating.
You knew you didn't had too much time anymore as you felt yourself having more and more slip ups.
Slip ups, where you went blank, becoming nothing but a numb shell.
Slip ups, where you cry for hours on in the arms of Kakucho until you pass out.
Slip ups, where you felt yourself pitying the criminals in your arms.
Slip ups, where you started to question your want for running away.
Noticing that your body and mind are slowly giving up on you. Feeling more and more the comfort in laying in the arms of a deathly criminal. Seeking the warmth and feeling of a false home in the arms of a person who would dispose of you as soon as he's bored of you.
How much time did you had left until you loose yourself.. how much time was left until you would loose your soul in the depths of darkness once more, the time where all you could see was your blood stained hands.
You felt Kokos steady breathing on your bare skin, noticing that he had fallen asleep as you were looking at your hands, that were just a mere second ago covered in blood.
Looking down at Kokos sleeping form there was one question that stood out amongst all the other questions circling in your head.
A question so scary, the thought alone made you shudder.
Would you have to kill, for your survival, once more?