i'd give my all,
to hold you close.
but in the end,
i'm the only one
who falls.
•••
Christmas eve rolls around in the blink of an eye. time has gone by fast and before anyone has realised it, the eight boys were gathered in the living room with a punch of boxes and happy, excited smiles.
"alright kids," Seonghwa seats himself down, completing the circle they've made on the floor. he has a red and green Christmas sweater, an ugly one at that with funny dog faces, as do the others. they're the same matching sweaters him and Hongjoong bought a while ago, and they've gone out today morning to buy two more for Jongho and Wooyoung since they weren't there at that time. so now everyone is forced to sit with their ugly sweater in this circle with their gifts in front of them, including San who's fiddling nervously with the wrapping of his gift. "let's start from Jongho and go from youngest to oldest."
Jongho throws his big blue gift at Yeosang's, making the boy wince and wail as it has hit him right in the face. "take it, your gift, hyung."
"why use hyung when you just hit me like that you brat," Yeosang mumbles as he tears his gift apart, gasping upon seeing the drone in front of him. "you didn't! this is expensive as hell!"
"i used my savings," Jongho tries to look indifferent but his face starts to heat up. "nothing special, i mean—"
Yeosang jumps on him and then they're hugging. Jongho looks kinda uncomfortable, and Yeosang doesn't linger for long since he knows the younger isn't a fan of skinship.
"thanks! this is literally so good oh my god!"
next is Wooyoung, and he looks bouncy as he hands his gift to Hongjoong. "i still hate you, hyung, but i hope you like this gift! i had to go through hell and back to get it!"
Hongjoong opens the box to find a golden mug with the words best hyungie, Hongjoongie engraved onto it in a black majestic font. he gapes at the words and then he's chuckling. "yah! Hongjoongie??"
Wooyoung giggles, "yeah! suits you! you're cute when angry!"
Hongjoong huffs but still smiles fondly.
and then it's Mingi's turn and turns out he had Yunho and his gift is, unsurprisingly, rubber duckies. needless to say, he got chased throughout the whole dorm for a good ten minutes.
then it's San's turn, and he nervously pushes the small box he has bought last night towards Wooyoung, the latter bouncing excitedly as he opens it.
it's a silver bracelet, one that he contemplated too hard before getting because it was expensive. he spent more than half of his allowance on it, but San bought it anyways. he was having a hard time the last couple of days after meeting with his father and Wooyoung has been with him the whole time, he glared at Yeosang whenever he passed by and huddled close to San when they were watching a movie. he even stayed with him when he was doing homework. so San thought that the least he could do was buy him something meaningful, and what made him believe buying this bracelet is a good idea is because it has an infinity symbol dangling from it's side. it looks simple yet elegant in a way, and San thought that maybe, just maybe, if he bought this bracelet with the infinity symbol then Wooyoung would stay with him forever, maybe he wouldn't have to say goodbye to him or to his other friends.
San watches nervously as Wooyoung inspects the bracelet silently, and then a big, warm smile starts to spread across his face.
"Sannie— this is— i can't accept it," he mumbles, "it's too expensive."
San shrugs, "i-i thought you would like it."
"i do!" he squeals as he puts it on, making the others chuckle as he was only saying he can't accept it just a second ago. "oh my god you're the best!"
San feels his heart warm up and his shoulders feel lighter. maybe he's done the right thing spending some money on Wooyoung's gift, but will the boy really stay?
as the rest exchange their gifts, San stares at Wooyoung's hand silently, observing the shining bracelet gracing his hand and thinking. he does a lot of thinking lately, but he can't help it.
San soon receives his gift from Seonghwa, who has this sweat and caring smile adorning his soft and gentle features. San slowly opens the wrapping and is surprised to see a notebook, a leather one with a fancy cover looking like it belongs to the victorian era with a leather strap holding it close and a little key put in the middle to hold the strap in place. San slowly pulls the key off and opens the strap gently, his hands hesitantly pulling it open to see the soft tea-coloured pages, with a small paper tucked between a few pages. he pulls it out slowly, holding his breath when he reads it.
you think too much. let this notebook help you empty your head, and maybe show it to someone if you feel like it? i hope this will help you relax a little. i hate seeing you so stressed, my dear dongsang.
all the love, xoxo, lots of kisses, hyung.
(ps. merry christmas sannie hyung loves you!!!!!!)
San tears up at the words, and he feels a stupid sob pull itself through his throat. he hates crying, doesn't want to do it especially in front of these seven males all looking at him. he feels too vulnerable, yet too warm and loved. he wants to hug his hyung and never let go.
"so..?" Seonghwa sounds nervous, he's rubbing his elbow and smiling a little. San quickly lurches forward and hugs him close, much like the other time he did when they bought him the sweater he's wearing.
"th-thank you hyung," his voice sounds gruff and watery, and he just wants to wail in this man's warm embrace. he bites his bottom lip to stop himself from doing so. "i-i really like it."
"what a relief," Seonghwa answers softly and tightens his hold on the younger.
San can't sleep.
his heart is beating rapidly and his mind is accelerating between thoughts. he feels too many emotions at the same time and he cannot tame his mind nor his heart, and it's not new, considering how little to no sleep he's been getting for the past few days.
San's honestly exhausted, of everything, of living and breathing and existing. it's too painful for him to keep going, pointless dare he say.
he's made friends, yes, sure, but they're not going to stay with him forever. they're not stupid enough to. he was the stupid one to think he finally made a family, and with how tense things have been recently, he thinks he was too quick to have that thought. they too, like everyone else, would be willing to give up on him if it meant their dreams would come true, or at least San thinks so.
San's heart is racing inside his chest, bounding against his ribcage and asking to be let free. his fingers are shaking, and he feels so lightheaded and dizzy. it's getting worse by the minute, and the fact that he has to suppress the sound of his rapid breathing so he wouldn't accidentally wake Yunho up is making everything so much harder.
his fingers dig into his palms, and he feels overwhelmed as he is reminded of the time Seonghwa helped clean his bleeding palms.
he needs to escape. he has to before his heart explodes. San inhales sharply, wincing at the sharp pain that overtakes his whole chest as he starts to climb down from his bed, trying so hard to focus on the metal bars he's holding and not to fall down but it's hard, so hard when he can barely differentiate between his fingers and the dark cold metal. his hands are as cold. when he makes it to the floor safely, he stumbles forward and leans against the walls as his other hand goes to clutch at his chest for support. he hates how tight his throat feels, how suffocating the room is getting. everything is spinning as he snatches the door open and stumbles into the bathroom, making sure to lock the door because even in his hazy state of mind, he knows he can't be found like this.
his knees buckle beneath him, and he holds onto the sink for dear life. the light pulp is flickering above his head, and his eyes narrow as they start to tear up from the lack of oxygen. he sees his reflection on the mirror, and although it's unclear and shaky due to his wavering eyes and unsteady heartbeats, the detest he holds towards himself never falters. he hates how he looks, and as his vision slowly gets less and less blurry, San falls deeper and deeper into his own pit of self-hatred.
he hates how his eyes always look tired, always so lifeless and sad. he hates how he can never look at the mirror without having to see those purple bruises around his eyes, the dark bags he gets as a punishment for spending his resting time on thinking. he hates his hair and how it's too short to hide his imperfect face. he hates how high his cheekbones are. he hates everything about himself.
Seonghwa's words flash before his mind in that moment, those words about how he found his way from self-hatred to self love and all that shit, and San starts to think that the man was lying. he doesn't know why, but Seonghwa's got to be lying, because Seonghwa is beautiful, and San isn't. he isn't even close to being average looking.
San gasps as his thoughts start to claw at his insides, start to rip him apart. dread consumes him as he sinks to the floor, his heart aching too much for him to handle. the thoughts swarm his head and their merciless nails dig into every ounce of his being, rippling him apart and draining him of any life he thought he had left inside of him.
and then there's the thought of tomorrow. the dreadful Christmas day where everyone should be celebrating with their families but San would have to face something else, something horrible and horrendous. the fact that he'll have to go back again to being a toy twists his stomach painfully, making him lurch forward with a silent cry. he feels like dying, like death has crept into his insides and now it's pulling him inside out, unleashing all the memories San's kept hidden for years, and sending them to cause havoc throughout San's entire being.
"hello Sannie, wanna play a game?"
"why do you fucking care about him?! he's just a fucking toy!"
"throw him in the garbage, where he belongs!"
"a disgusting filthy soul like him should be killed!"
"clean everything up after the kids play in the main room, and don't play with them. you don't deserve to play with them."
"oh! guys look it's trashy!"
"trashy! trashy!"
San presses his bleeding palms against his ears, pushing harshly until his headache is unbearable. he screeches at the voices, his whole body trembling like a leaf in the harsh winter, all alone on the floor with blood surrounding him.
he screams, his voice barely there as he does. it comes out as nothing but a mere cry. he wants the voices to go away, he wants the kids to stop calling him trashy and for people to just leave him alone. he doesn't want to play games, doesn't want to be a toy anymore. his skin is ablaze and his eyes burn. he's crumbling and nothing can stop his nearing fall. it's so near San can almost see it, his high has lasted too long that when he fell, he didn't feel the air surrounding him, pushing against his face and suffocating his lung until he's so close to the ground.
Yeosang wakes up in the middle of the night with something heavy resting atop his chest. he doesn't feel well as he rubs his eyes and there's something that doesn't just feel right. he sighs as he feels all the sleep wash out of his eyes, and he reluctantly leaves the cocoon of his comfortable bed and goes to head to the kitchen to get himself some warm milk to drink. maybe then he'll be able to sleep.
as he walks through the short corridor to the kitchen, Yeosang suddenly halts. his heart stops at the sound coming from the bathroom. it's something akin to a cry, a cry of pain. it's heart-wrenching and dripping with so much anguish. Yeosang's throat goes dry and his eyes widen. he turns around slowly and steps forward in the direction of the bathroom, unsure of whether he should really go check on whoever's there or run to his bed and pretend he never heard anything. but the humane side of him takes over and his steps quicken towards the bathroom.
he slowly pushes his ear against the door and his mouth falls open, his heart squeezing inside his chest.
"p-please! i-i'm sorry! s-stop! s-stop! i'm so-sorry!"
his hand quickly goes to push the door open but he stops. you should knock first, entering like that will seem like you're trying to invade his privacy.
Yeosang knocks. he knocks once, twice, thrice even. but there's no response, and the wails he hears inside start to decrease, and it's scaring him, because the person inside (which he knows is San) is either alerted, or doing something extremely dangerous. so he goes to snatch the door open but his shoulders tense when he finds it locked.
he pounds on the door.
"San open the door!"
silence answers him, and it claws at the inside of his brain and makes him grow more and more anxious. he truly doesn't know what to do, and he's scared San has done something he'd regret later.
"San? San can you hear me?"
he hears a soft whimper from inside.
"Sannie you there? hey, it's okay, just open the door please."
"n-no! i-i don't want to play games!"
Yeosang recoils at the desperation his voice holds, at how broken he truly sounds. he fights off the thoughts invading his head and knocks again, this time softer.
"San it's Yeosang! please open up!"
"Yeosang hates me! he wouldn't want to be here," his voice is so low and insecure. "pl-please, l-leave me al-alone!"
Yeosang once again flinches at the words San is crying out so weakly. Yeosang hates me. he knows he came across harsh when he cornered San to tell him the truth, well, not cornered, but that's how Hongjoong described it as he scolded him in his room. he knows he was a total scumbag and it was totally uncalled for getting all worked up and mad, but he didn't think San would opt to run away then, and he didn't think San would look so shattered the next day when he'd woken up to find him huddled up with blankets all over his shivering body in the living room and looking as if he has cried his soul out, making his eyes look as lifeless as ones could get. he didn't certainly feel his feet as he walked the other way from San, and he didn't know what he was doing when he was ignoring him, or giving him those stupid glares from time to time. he was angry when he had no right to be.
Yeosang steps forward and leans against the door.
"it's Yeosang, Sannie, really," Yeosang presses, "please just open the door, i am not here to play games. i'm here to help you, yeah?"
there's a prolonged silence that follows his words, in which Yeosang feels like he's suffocating.
the door unlocks.
Yeosang takes a deep breath and braces himself mentally. he then walks into the bathroom hesitantly, and what he's met with is a sight he never thought he'd see.
San's sitting on the bathroom floor, his head is lulled back against the wall and his hair is messily sticking to his sweaty forehead, his eyes astray and unfocused. his mouth is slightly ajar drawing in stuttering breaths and his chest is heaving so heavily that Yeosang can almost hear how hard his heart is pounding. his arms are in his lap, the left one's nails digging deep into his wrists skin to the point where blood is dripping down onto the floor. his grip on his hand is harsh and it doesn't look like he is willing to stop. his legs are stretched ahead of him and they're trembling, just like the rest of his body. he looks like a body without a soul, a person who has lost himself to the darkness and now only the darkness remains.
Yeosang slowly crouches next to him and peels his hands apart, noticing how the boy's limbs are so light and how he doesn't even seem to flinch or put up a fight. he pulls some tissues to wipe the blood and then some more to wipe the sweat rolling down San's forehead. there's a silent tear that rolls down San's eye then, and Yeosang ignores the pain that rambles inside his chest as he quickly pulls him into his arms, holding him tightly against his own body.
but San never reacts. he's like a dead person, and he lets Yeosang do whatever. and it breaks Yeosang all the more knowing that San would've been much more jumpy and fidgety had he touched him any other time, but right now he doesn't seem to mind. he doesn't seem alive at all.
"Y-yeosang?" his voice comes out gruff and dry, and broken.
"yes, San, i'm here."
"k-kill me, p-please. k-kill me, Yeosang."
Yeosang feels his own tears burn at the corner of his eyes as he pulls the boy closer to his body, hating how unresponsive he is and how he never did as much as return the hug. he holds him closer than ever as a loner tear cascades down his face.
and even after San falls asleep and the older can feel his breathing return to normal, Yeosang can't get San's words out of his mind. they burn at his skin and drown him in straight chlorine.
kill me, Yeosang.
an - i think this chapter is one of the most emotionally draining chapters i've ever written, especially the second part ;-;
don't forget to vote and comment your thoughts!