My Name is Azer Jetts I'm 19 and I'm currently a college student at South Wesrock University studying Computer Information Systems. My life hasn't been the greatest for a while and it's been starting to really get to me lately. It has gotten to the point where everything just makes me tired. Existence itself is a drag and I just want it to stop. Flashbacks run through my head of all the worst events in my life like a sad movie. All the shitty things that have got me where I am today.
"Mr.Jetts" My English professor called my name bringing me back from the torment in my own mind.
"This is the fourth time you've let your mind wander to literally anywhere but here today." She sighs and looks at me with clear anger before continuing "I agreed to tutor you so that you wouldn't fail my class a second time, and my only condition was that you showed you wanted to learn."
I wince feeling even worse knowing I'm wasting her time... I don't even want to be here. College was never for me, it's just what everyone was expecting of me. I just didn't want to disappoint anyone, that's my biggest fear, yeah its dumb I know... But I can't help it, its who I am.
I take a few breaths to compose myself before responding "I'm sorry Mrs. Kline, I've just had a lot on my mind lately." A frown forming on my face as I look through the window and see everyone else in their groups laughing, seeming happy and carefree walking around the lively campus.
The elderly panther's gaze softens and a small compassionate smile appears on her face as she says "Let's end this session here for today."
I blink and give a confused look as she pushes a card into my hand and walks me out. Once outside and alone I read the card she handed me.
'You don't have to struggle in silence'
I flip the card over and find the number of the school counselor. Am I that obvious... I barely contain myself as I rush through the crowded hallway to the bathroom to hide from the rest of the world. Everyone I pass glancing over as I maneuver through the crowd. All of them are surely thinking I've lost my mind, or at least that is what my brain is telling me.
The bathroom door is flung open as I rush inside, a wave of tears threatening to break through at any minute. Coming to a stop in front of the sink I slowly look up. The mirror shows just how broken I really am at this moment. I see myself staring back, but its not me. The green and black wolf staring back at me is unrecognizable from who I use to be. He looks so sad and empty like a hollow shell. It shows his lack of sleep, and care for himself. He doesn't look happy, he looks absolutely destroyed. He flinches at every noise that could be someone about to see the state he's in. Tears start to flow down his face as my vision gets blurry. I guess I couldn't hold it back forever. I break down into tears slumping down in the corner praying no one comes in and sees, but at the same time I want it more than anything.
A Few Hours Later
I lay silently on my bed reading as my roommate James comes in the shared dorm room bringing his girlfriend, kissing and groping before noticing me. He gives a nod and smiles in my direction as he notices my presence.
James is a Cheetah on the taller side, still not as tall as I am but much more built due to his very frequent gym visits. He has tried to get me to join him more than once but I prefer hiking to being stuck in a stuffy room with all those judging eyes lingering on everything I do. Well, at least that's what my brain tells me would happen and that's enough for me.
"Yooooo Aze! Don't forget you owe me that rematch on Tiger Takedown Ultimate, I will have my revenge." He says while shadow boxing the air and copying the character's fighting stance. I give him a thumbs up and continue reading my book trying to ignore their presence right now.
"Well, I'm heading to the gym with my lady." he leans in for another kiss from her and she giggles back at him then he pulls away looking towards me. "We need to find you a woman one of these days man, but anyways don't trash the room while I'm gone." He flashes a smile grabs a water bottle and walks back out the door.
Would he still think of me the same way if he knew that I don't want a 'woman'. I feel the tears coming again, but I let them out freely this time. No one is here to see me break now. I hug my pillow tight for comfort as I lie down and sob into it as I have many times before. The door opening again goes unnoticed until its already too late to compose myself. I look up to see James come back into the room. He stares at me worry written all over his face. He asks me if I'm ok and I give a hollow yes. All sound blurs together as he talks. I nod along even though I'm at war with myself inside my head hearing nothing but a dull buzzing noise.
Good job idiot you've made someone worry about you now. You are such a bother. Why do you always have to annoy people with this shit.
I wait till he has left the room again before banging my head against the wall. It hurts but not enough to make me forget. I repeat it a few more times before sighing and collapsing back down and burying my face in the pillow.
I cant believe I let that happen. Maybe he will forget about it....Maybe.
That thought is soon crushed as I hear a knock on the door and I hear my three only other friends on campus asking "Dez? Are you ok? Can we come in?"
I slowly get up wiping my face and composing myself before walking to the door. I open the door with a fake smile, and it's not a very convincing one.
"Why would I not be ok?" I say only to be met with more worried looks. "Trust me I'm fine, just saw a really sad video." I lie praying it will save me from their gazes that only make me feel worse by the second.
"Dez, you know its ok to not be ok right? We are here for you." Jenna, a spotted Hyena, says and the others nod as I die a bit more inside. The words echo back at me from the past.
Don't... Please don't say that. Its been said before. I don't want you all to find out and leave me too. I don't know if I could go on if I lost you all.
"I promise I'm fine, okay? Nothing is wrong." I lie again. I can see it in their faces that my words do nothing to ease their worry. If anything it only worsens it.
"Ok, but you know we are right down the hall if you need anything at all..." Becca, the tiny rabbit, says while giving me a hug. I almost break again at that. Tina, a wolf like me, just stands there the view of the state I'm in seeming to be too much for her as she looks like she's on the verge of tears with worry. Tina has been like a sister to me since I got here. Seeing her like that and knowing I'm the reason shoots another dagger of self hatred through my chest.
Look at what you're doing to the people you care about the most. How could you do this to them?
They slowly leave and I wave goodbye. As the door shuts I slump against it and slowly slide down till I'm sitting on the floor bawling my eyes out as quietly as I can manage. Everything falling apart around me in a single day.
After a few hours when there has been no tears left for a while, I move back to my bed exhausted and fall asleep instantly. In my dreams I see the future I want. I see myself cuddling another guy on a couch as a small child runs through the room laughing. We smile at each other and chuckle at the scene, then he kisses me and I lay my head on his shoulder as the dream fades away.
When I wake up James is back and in his bed on the opposite side of the room. I glance at the clock and it reads Eleven Fifty-Four p.m.. I close my eyes to go back to sleep but it never comes. It feels like I've been trying for an eternity. I look back at the clock that now reads Eleven Fifty-Six p.m. and sigh. I throw on some sweatpants, a t-shirt, and my jacket and walk outside. I walk all the way around campus listening to music before laying on a bench behind the dorms. I sit there in silence just listening to the sounds of the night and before I know it I pass out right there.
It's four a.m. when I wake up still on the bench and a weak smile forms on my face and not a fake one this time. Its time I let them know. I don't want to live a lie any longer. I want to feel what its like to be me. The smile falters as I imagine everyone's reaction but I have to do this. I can't stay hidden forever.
As the day drags on I go through the my classes half paying attention while coming up with a plan on what needs to change. Before I know it it's already 3:45 and my classes are over for the day. I head to the lake in the middle of the park on campus. Sitting on the bench I wrack my brain for hours. What am I gonna do? How am I gonna do this? What's everyone going to think? Am I strong enough for this? What if--. My spiraling is stopped as I'm hit in the arm by a soccer ball. I stare down for a second before picking it up and spinning it around in my hands.
"Hey, I'm so sorry about that man." I look over to see a tall Australian Shepherd with a runners build clearly visible through his tight athletic shirt. He is smiling as he approaches me. "Hey didn't I meet you at orientation. It's good to see you again man. What are you doing? How have you been?" His goofy smile and cheerful attitude are so infectious I cant help but return the smile at the goofy Australian Shepherd noticing for the first time his eyes. His beautiful eyes one of which was a cool and calm blue while the other was a vibrant and lively green.
I don't know how long I was lost in his eyes, but it felt like an eternity. My trance is broken when his expression turns worried as he says "Are you ok man, I didn't think it hit you in the head." I shook my head to clear my thoughts and blushed from the situation. What am I doing, I'm so awkward, fuck.
"No no, I'm fine, sorry about that. I don't really remember much of the orientation either if I'm being honest, I'm sorry." I may have seen him but for the life of me I can't remember. His goofy and charming smile returns after I've let him know I'm alright. "That's ok, it's still good to see you again. What are you doing out here alone?" He asks tilting his head slightly but still wearing that signature smile.
Well now is as good a time as ever if I'm going to start being honest and not hiding. "I'm just trying to figure out what I'm going to do about... Well, everything I guess" My statement doesn't seem to help his confusion as he continues to look at me head still tilting to the side questioningly and adorably. "What do you mean? Anything I can help with?" He says starting to get a little concerned again. "It's nothing to worry about" I reassure him "Just figuring stuff out and being more open about myself." I shoot him a smile trying to bring his back, and it doesn't take long before that toothy grin greets my eyes again making my own get a little wider.
Some guys call over to get his attention; it looks like the guys he was playing with are getting impatient. "Oh shoot!" He exclaims as he has seemingly forgotten he was in the middle of something. "Here" he hastily pulls out a piece of paper and writes on the edge, tears it off, and hands it to me before running off to rejoin his friends looking back at me a few times as he makes his way back. I open up the piece of paper. It's a phone number with a message that says 'Text or call would love to get to know you better it's always nice to make new friends'. It's hard to keep the smile off my face as I look up at him now back to focusing on the game with his friends still so energetic and infectiously happy. I begin walking back to my dorm room and the smile never leaves me as I play through the moment in my head over and over again. I shoot him a text letting him know it's me. Suddenly it hits me, I didn't tell him about me. What if he finds out and changes his mind?
As I continue spiraling down that thought path my body autopilots to my dorm room where I grab a water from the fridge and lie down staring at the ceiling. My phone buzzed to life on the table as I reach over to check what happened. The smile unconsciously returns to my face as I see it's a text from him.
Chris: "Hey, sorry I had to go so quick earlier, I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Chris and I'd love to hang out here in a bit I'd you want?"
Me: "I'd love to what did you have in mind?"
I press my phone against my chest and wait for a response. It doesn't take long before it lights up again with another message.
Chris: "Just finishing up at the gym if you wanna grab something to eat before I have to go to practice"
Me: "I'd love to. I'll be right over."
I quickly scramble off my bed and throw on my coat and my favorite cap then head out of the dorms. That same dumb smile from earlier glued to my face once again refusing to leave. Maybe college life won't be so bad when I'm finally no longer hidden.
(Thank You so much for reading. I know it is nowhere near perfect and there are probably many mistakes. I am in no way a professional I just love writing and wanted to tell a cute/relatable story. Many of the events in this chapter are my actual experiences from college. I hope you all enjoy going on this journey with me <3 also I'm working on getting a Cover made for now it's just a quick rose I made lol.)