2019
(Not me using Dixie d'amelio's song lyric as title jshdhhajjxjs)
Miya's shoes made scraping sounds with the gravel road as she walked alongside the bank of the still river.
She had taken her leave from the dorm by telling the others "she's going out to take inspiration for the next song" but the real reason was not it.
She wanted to escape. Escape from her harsh reality. Escape from her negative mindset.
The hate was increasing for her day by day. More people were joining in to write harsh comments about her on social media. And if it was not enough to bad mouth her, they now had started dragging her family into this.
She was scared. She was scared for their lives. She was scared something would happen to them in her absence.
She wished she could find a way to keep an eye on their safety but her busy days weren't letting her do so.
Sad piano sounds filled her ears from the earphones plugged in.
Her habit.
Her habit to push herself. Her habit to strain herself. Her habit to hide the real "Michelle" from the world.
Oh how many times she eyed that sharp knife while cutting onions. How many times she stared blankly at the open window. How many times she wanted to end it all.
At once. No pain. Only peace.
She was now desperate to find peace. And she only saw it in one act.
One dangerous act. That would surely bring her peace but might break the ones who love her.
Pathetic. Coward.
That's what she called herself.
Pathetic of me to escape death using other's name. Coward of me to not being able to defend myself, to run away from my problems.
But what could she even do? It was her alone against thousands, maybe millions?
Slut
Whore
Useless
Pathetic
Coward
Ugly
Talentless
Maybe that's what she really was?
Maybe the members denied the accusations out of pity?
Maybe she really was useless and untalented.
"Watch where you are going Blindass." A sudden voice screeched at her as she felt her shoulder bump with someone.
"Sorry." She apologized in a quiet voice
"Wait... Bae Mi from BTS?" The woman's phone dropped from her hand as she stared at the idol.
Miya adjusted her hoodie to cover her face more and speed walked away from the unknown woman.
She didn't wanted to face anyone. Not right now. She is too weak right now. She has to show the cheerful side of her.
Because after all she doesn't want to dissatisfy their expectations as the cheer bomb of the group who was always smiling and laughing.
They didn't know how she really was. And they probably won't understand if she told them.
They probably won't even notice if I disappeared. Afterall I'm an extra of the group. The odd one out. The only girl. It won't make much difference. Moreover, they would actually feel normal being called a 'boy band'. Girls don't have a role in a boy band. They never did and probably never will.
She finally stopped her little stroll and sat on the side of the pavement.
Maybe I was never supposed to be an idol. Maybe I should have been a western artist.
Maybe I'm actually not good enough. Even my own parents say so.
She huffed a quiet bitter laugh.
Family. The only people you trust and expect support from.
"Who even told you to become an idol?"
"You did this to yourself."
"How is your life with your chineseee bandmates?"
"I wonder if they actually want you in the group."
"Watch them use you and then throw you away."
"You are a trash singer."
"Was a boy band the only thing left for you to join?"
"My friends find it weird that my daughter lives with 7 boys. You ruined my reputation."
"When will you guys disband?"
"Only if you searched for a better job."
"Singer? What a useless job."
"What even is an idol."
"You sing and dance for money. That almost sounds like a stripper from a club. Only the stripping element is not there."
"Because of you we have to live like this."
"Because of you I almost died today."
"Because of you I get hate on social media."
"I'm afraid to call you my sister. Literally 50 people would come and attack me if I do it in public."
"You should leave the band. It would be better."
"Sometimes I don't wanna be happy.
Don't hold it against me
If I'm sad and lonely
Please hold me
And Don't just leave me be"
(Yes I just customised the lyrics (⌐■-■) myself)
She mumbled.
"You know she just cries in public for attention."
"Living with seven guys? Sounds like a slut to me."
"She can speak English and still doesn't talk during interviews. A lazy cow indeed."
"She seems the weakest of them all. Just an excuse she's a woman."
"If it's so difficult for her she should just leave the band. As simple as that."
"It's hard to deal with this everyday
But I have to live like this anyway
Hope they'll understand my pain
And not just let me go in vain"
Tears slowly started to make way in her eyes. Moments later they started flowing out onto her cheeks without a stop. Her nose turned red and she started sobbing quietly tucking her head in her arms.
After a short session of shedding tears and sobbing she finally lifted her head. The sun had started to go down turning the skies a mix of orange and pink.
She stood up rubbing her palms on her jeans and dried her face with her T-shirt.
Should I really go home?
Or should I just... Go back?
Her gaze landed on the still river. The water seemed so surreal.
It wouldn't hurt stepping in the water. And walk in till the water is up my head. No oxygen. My face will turn blue and slowly by slowly the water will pull me to sleep. Utter peace. No disturbance. No more hate. No more faking happiness and no more faking smiles. I won't have to face people. I won't have to face my dissapointed parents.
A sudden drop on her face pulled her back to her senses. She looked up at the sky to see dark clouds closing in. A drop and another fell after each other and suddenly it started raining heavily.
Her clothes started soaking in the water and after a few minutes were now drenched and sticking to her body. It felt uncomfortable but so soothing.
Everyone started evacuating the open skies and started to take shade in restaurants and shops. The rest started running to their houses.
What's the time?
Miya fished her pocket for her phone and pulled it out.
8:15 PM
All she wanted to see was the time. But now her lockscreen caught her attention.
They look so happy.
Were they smiling because I was behind the camera or was it the happiness of me not being in the picture?
She shook her head. Tears again made their way.
They are correct when they say I'm weak. Crying over the smallest things.
"Miss it's better if you head your home. It's getting darker I don't think you should stay out late." An old man approached her.
She was taken aback due to his sudden presence. She nodded her head.
"Oh. Bangtan Sonyeondan?" He suddenly exclaimed.
"Huh?" She pulled her hood further down.
"Your lockscreen."
"Oh." She realised, her phone screen was still lit.
"Their music is very good. I really like them."
"Me too." She paused. "But I don't like the girl."
"The girl? But why?"
"I don't know I just don't like her."
"If there is no specific reason for you to dislike her then I don't know why you do. She works hard, just like the boys. I have seen her on stage too. She gives her best."
Miya's gaze was still on the ground.
"She is a hard-working girl. And even if she's not from this country she respects the etiquettes and culture. Oh-" he stopped midway when the rain hardened.
"Do one thing I have a small restaurant that me and my wife run. You can take shelter there for the time being and when the rain stops go home."
She hesitated for a bit then accompanied him to the little restaurant.
"Eat this warm soup or you'll catch a cold." The old woman pushed a bowl of soup towards the young girl.
Miya pushed her hoodie down.
"Waah. You are the girl from Bangtan Sonyeondan?" The woman's eyes widened.
Miya didn't say anything, her gaze was locked to the white steam flying up from the warm soup.
"It's hard isn't it?" A third voice said from behind.
Miya craned her neck to look behind her. It was the same girl she had bumped into. She almost jumped down the chair to leave until the girl stopped her.
"Don't worry. You don't have to hide. I won't invade your privacy."
Miya looked at her. Her eyes told her she was speaking the truth, so she climbed back onto the chair, her head again hung down low.
"I know it is. Your face says so. And I probably know why it is. I have seen the... The stuff that the people say about you."
Miya bit her lip to stop it from trembling. "It is." She mumbled then pursed her lips and sniffed.
"Oh poor you. I know it's hard. But you are doing such a great job! You are so strong. I just know it." The old woman said, her warm voice evident of her kind nature.
"Honestly if it would have been me I would have gave up. But look at you. Still standing onto your feet like the strong girl you are." The girl beside Miya said. "Oh by the way, I'm Sana. And these are my grandparents."
Miya just nodded her head. Clenching her jaw tight to stop herself from crying out loud. Right next moment she felt two arms snake around her shoulder and she was pulled to a chest.
"It's okay. It's okay to break down and cry for a moment. That's what BTS has taught me. Then why are you still trying to hold it in? You guys have always been my shoulder. When I... Lost my parents. I was totally broken. And then I found out about you. Your songs brought peace to me and helped me forget the pain for a little bit. Miya you don't have to force yourself to appear strong, it's okay. Everyone has a vulnerable side. And it's not bad to sometimes let it show. You are not weak, instead you are the one who gives me strength. You are so young and on this big path. You are not alone. Absolutely not."
The young idol finally let loose and started bawling her eyes out into Sana's arms.
Sana's arms turned a little tighter around her.
"You are so strong honey. You are doing such a great job at life." She cradled Miya in her arms.
After a little while she finally stopped crying and looked back at up at the three people looking at her with utter sympathy.
"Thank you. For... This." She whispered.
"Hating yourself for something you never did is not correct. They are honestly just jealous of you, that you are so young and so successful." This time the man spoke. "A lot of people get inspired by you and chase their dreams." He looked at Sana and smiled. "You are a lot of people's role model. A lot of people adore you and honestly speaking, without you the guys would be a mess " He chuckled.
Miya smiled at the mention of the boys.
"Go home now. It's pretty late, they must be worried." The old woman said.
She nodded and got off the chair. Before she left she quickly gave a little hug to all of them, thanking them individually.
"Thankyou so much for taking care of me. I'll visit again! The soup was awesome." She smiled and exited the shop.
The rain had now stopped and it was dark outside. She did a jog back to the dorm.
"Where were you?! Do you know how late it is?" Jin scolded the youngest.
"Sorry." She frowned, her eyes getting filled with tears again.
"Don't scold her Jin, atleast she is back home safe. That's what matters." Yoongi came and pulled her away from the fuming oldest.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Yoongi asked the girl as he closed the door to her room and sat beside her on the bed.
"Tell you what?" She asked back confused.
"What has been going on the past days? I saw it. On your laptop. All the comments."
Miya's stomach turned due to nervousness as her eyes shot to her laptop's now dark screen. "You..."
"Yes I did see that. It's bad to keep things to yourself, especially when it's definitely eating you up from the inside."
"I'm fine. You don't have to worry." She shook her head patting his back.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. And also I got lots of ideas for the next song."
"Isn't that exactly why you went out?"
She hummed and nodded, smiling at the older man. "Thanks... For asking."
"Who wouldn't." He ruffled her hair. "Best of luck with the song. I know you won't dissapoint me." He then exited the room.
Her smile faltered.
Miya walked to her desk and sat down, then took out her lyric notebook.
She looked at the clock onto her table.
"Zero O'Clock" She whispered.