Shattered Sorrows.
A dull ache greets me the next morning. It begins in my chest and expands until it's taken complete control over my body.
It's about four in the morning when I wake with a jolt, covered in a cold sweat after a very vivid dream involving Ivan.
I let an involuntary whimper of pain leave my lips as I lie in the bed, not moving.
Despite the early hour at which I have awoken, I don't bother trying to get back to sleep, nor do I get up. When Oliver comes through to wake me up as usual, I pretend I've been asleep the whole time.
I think even he picks up on my dead tone but he doesn't dare mention it, something I'm extremely grateful for.
My parents don't question it when I drop Oliver off and leave immediately with a sad smile on my face. 'I won't be long,' I promise flatly and Mom's face turns into a frown but she nods all the same, presumably thinking that I'm going to see him and that I'm just tired from the exhausting week.
Instead, I drive to Maddie's house, where I find her standing in the kitchen nursing a steaming cup of coffee.
Typically, she picks up that there's something wrong the moment I walk into the room and she puts the coffee down on the counter before pulling me into a hug. 'Oh, honey,' she murmurs quietly, rubbing my back. 'What's wrong?'
I sigh against her shoulder, letting my eyelids droop. 'I told him,' I croak out. 'I told him and he left.'
There's a long silence in which neither of us speak.
After a while, she pulls back and looks at me directly in the eye, her own swimming with pain. 'Oh, Poppy,' she sighs. 'That's horrible, I'm so sorry.'
'He was angry,' I whisper, stepping out of the hug and flopping down in a seat by the table. 'He was so furious that I hadn't told him about Oliver and yes maybe I should have but surely we could have worked it out. He told me he had absolutely no problem that I had a son and that if I'd said anything to him at the beginning about it, he would have welcomed Oliver as one of his own. It was literally just the fact I didn't tell him for so long.'
Maddie stares at me, fury welling in her face. 'Are you serious?' she snarls, clenching her fists and swiping up her phone. 'I'm calling the girls. I presume Oliver's with your parents?'
'Yeah,' I mutter. 'They have no idea, I just told them I'd be back soon so I presume they think I'm with him.'
She glares at her phone as she types away furiously. 'The stupidest thing,' she tells me angrily, 'The stupidest thing is that he was so worried when you were away and he kept calling me and asking if I'd heard from you. I swear, it was ridiculous and now he turns around and does this.'
Panic seeps through me. 'I hope you're not saying that to him now.'
She scoffs. 'Of course not, I'll leave that to you. As much as I would absolutely love to rip his face off, I know I can't because firstly you'd murder me but secondly it'll be much better for you to absolutely kill him.'
I smile sadly, shaking my head. 'No, I'm not going to say anything to him about it. Obviously if he left like that, he's not worth it at all.'
She smiles at me. 'Pops, the man's practically in love with you. He's just upset, it's not like he's not going to try and contact you again.'
I tense, shaking my head. 'I don't care,' I respond emotionlessly. 'He left and that's the only thing that matters. You can't do that, not as a parent. That was his one chance and he blew it.'
Maddie looks like she's about to protest, but obviously seeing the look on my face, she changes her mind. 'Em and Ky are coming round in a few minutes, so we can discuss a game plan.'
'Game plan?' I echo, a frown knotting my eyebrows. 'What do you mean, a game plan?'
She raises an eyebrow. 'Pops, we're not just going to let you sit around like this. We're going to take you out and you're going to love life.'
I shake my head in denial. 'No. I think that after the past two months, I need to spend some quality time with my son. I can't help but feel like when everything was going on Ivan, I kind of neglected him a bit. He didn't deserve that, so I'm going to rectify it.'
There's a pause and I frown. 'Well, today I'm just taking the day to let everything out and then he and I will spend some quality time together later on. I swear.'
Before Maddie can respond, the door bangs open and Ky rushes into the room. 'I'm going to kill him,' she announces before sweeping me into a hug. 'Honestly, who does he think he is?'
Em's a lot more subtle in her greeting. She just squeezes me into a tight hug, her smile sympathetic.
'Seriously,' Ky fumes angrily. 'I'm going to absolutely murder that man. Just you wait until I get my hands on him-'
'Ky,' I interrupt her. 'That's not going to happen.'
She freezes, turning to me with a frown on her face. 'What do you mean, that's not going to happen? I must be imagining things, right? There's no way that you're not angry at him.'
'Oh, I am,' I laugh bitterly. 'I'm absolutely furious, Ky, but he's not even worth my trouble. If he wants to leave, then good for him. I just have to move forward.'
Ky stares at me for what feels like an eternity, an absolutely stunned expression on her face. 'What?' she stutters. 'You're just... you're just letting this slide?'
I nod, running a hand through my relatively straight hair. 'Yes,' I confirm. 'I don't want to make this any worse than it already is, Ky. Let's just leave it at this.'
She studies me for a while. 'Okay,' she eventually relents. 'But one way I find really useful in getting all of my frustrations out is by going to the gym.'
'I don't have a gym membership,' I mutter.
'Excellent,' Mads jumps back into the conversation. 'We're going to get you one right now,' she bustles out of the room and returns moments later with a laptop, immediately beginning to type away on it. 'Which gym is it you go to, Ky?' she asks, her brows furrowed.
While the two of them lean over the laptop, looking for the website, Em quietly sits down next to me with her eyebrows raised. 'Really?' she murmurs softly. 'You honestly don't want to do anything about it?'
I shake my head, spreading my palms apart. 'What can I do, Em? There isn't anything I can do that will make it any better other than moving on.'
She nods understandingly. 'That does make sense,' she reasons.
I exhale, running a hand through my hair. 'I mean, I appreciate them being absolutely desperate to jump in there all guns blazing, but what good would it do? In the end it was his decision and there's nothing any of us can do to change that, you know?'
She smiles lightly. 'You have a good understanding of the world, Poppy.'
I refrain from raising an eyebrow and telling her that it comes at a huge price. Instead, I just smile at her. 'Thanks, Em.'
Before our conversation can get any further, Mads grabs my arm excitedly. 'We've got the website, we just need you to fill this stuff out,' she explains, pushing the laptop towards me.
'Yeah, and then you can go to the gym when you want,' Ky continues. 'You'll love it, honestly.'
I shrug as I begin to type in my details. 'Okay, that sounds fine,' I agree.
Once I've signed up, Maddie turns to me. 'Okay, here's what we're going to do.'
I raise my eyebrow, wondering where this is going. 'Please be rational,' I beg them quickly. 'I know you guys are angry on my behalf and I appreciate that so much, honestly, but I just want this to go out of control.'
'It's not going to,' Ky insists. 'This is going to be perfectly rational.'
'Definitely,' Maddie agrees. 'So, we know that you don't want to cause a major scene about this, so you're not going to. All I was going to say was that you should go home now and spend the rest of the day with Oliver. As you said earlier, you should be spending quality time with him, so go ahead and do that. Does he know much about Ivan?'
I shake my head. 'No, I purposely kept them quite seperate. He knows there's a man I've been going out with a bit, but he doesn't even know his name, in the hope that no emotional attachment will be made, you know?'
'That does make sense,' Em nods, smiling encouragingly at me.
'I mean, if it had worked out and Ivan had said he wanted to be a part of Oliver's life, I probably would have introduced them to each other, but I guess things are different now,' I sigh heavily.
Maddie lays a hand on my arm, looking at me piercingly. 'Everyone makes mistakes, Poppy, we all know that. Don't let this mistake define Ivan. Don't give up on him.'
I smile sadly. 'We'll see.'
-
As planned, I spend the rest of that day with Oliver, so it isnt until Sunday evening that I make it to the gym. Oliver and I spent Sunday afternoon with my parents as normal, before I dropped him off at home where Maddie was waiting to babysit him.
I pull up outside of the gym and park the car. I feel a little nervous walking in, half wishing I'd brought Ky with me to keep me company.
However, once I've entered the gym and started on the treadmill with music blasting in my ears, I find myself in my comfort zone.
My frustration with the situation I've found myself in, that I mostly blame myself for, more than him, begins to seep out as I pound away on the machine.
I take a break after I've run two kilometres for some water. When I'm at the water fountain, filling my bottle up, I feel a presence behind me,
I turn around to be greeted by a tall, blonde man smiling brightly at me, his green eyes glinting in the light. 'Um, sorry, were you waiting for the fountain?' I mutter, stepping aside.
He laughs huskily, shaking his head. 'Don't worry about,' he assures me as he brushes his body against mine while filling his bottle up. 'I'm Lewis.'
He's attractive - undeniably so - and his black tank top clings to his muscled chest.
'Um,' I murmur, not really sure why I've suddenly lost the ability to speak. 'I'm Poppy.'
He caps his bottle after finishing filling it and smiles brilliantly at me. 'It's really nice to meet you, Poppy. I don't think I've ever seen you here before.'
I shake my head, smiling softly. 'No, this is my first time here.'
Lewis nods, his eyes not shifting from my face. 'Yeah, I thought it might be something like that. I come here fairly regularly.'
I bite my lip to stop myself from saying that it's obvious. His black basketball shorts do nothing to hide his obviously lean legs. 'Oh, right,' I respond lamely instead.
'It's a good stress reliever, I find,' he continues, ignoring my horrifically awkward response as though I'd said something genuinely noteworthy.
I smile lightly. 'Yeah, I've just discovered that,' I agree with a little laugh, trying desperately to rid myself of any bitterness because of him.
We stand by the fountain talking for quite a long time, before Lewis shoots me another award winning smile. 'So, Poppy, can I have your number, then?'
Against my better judgement and the warning bells ringing loudly in my head, I plaster a grin on my face and nod eagerly. 'Yeah, sure.'
He pulls his phone out of his pocket and passes it to me, so I take it from him and quickly type my number into it. I ring my phone from his and cut it off once my phone starts vibrating. 'There we go,' I smile, handing it back to him.
We talk for a bit longer, before he glances at his watch and regretfully tells me he has to go. 'Text me,' he says in a parting shot. 'I just called you, so you have to text me first.'
I laugh lightly, rolling my eyes as he walks away.
Once I've left the gym, I drive back to my flat, to be greeted by an absolutely furious Maddie. 'What is it?' I ask, prising a crumpled up gossip magazine from her clenched fist.
'Look at it,' she snarls, sitting down on the sofa, her expression stormy.
My gut lurches as I see his face on the front pf the magazine. I'm so busy looking at his face, bitterly wondering why he looks so well when I feel like this, that it takes me few moments to register his arm that's wrapped around a stunning blonde woman.
His secretary, to be exact.
I can't help the jealousy that rolls over me in waves as I open the magazine, finding the page that holds the article about him.
It talks about the previous night, that Ivan and the woman were 'very cosy and close' at a lot of points before finishing with a lot of speculation about me and why he went to two events in a row with me, before taking someone different to this one.
I glance at Maddie, fury slicing through my veins. 'It's interesting, isn't it,' I say in a low tone. 'That before he took me to our first event, he told me he rarely went with women, but now look at this.'
'Do you know who she is?' she frowns.
I laugh bitterly. 'His secretary.'
She winces. 'Ouch.'
I stand up, propelled by my anger. I take out my phone and dial Lewis' number, knowing I shouldn't be doing this.
He answers on the third ring. 'Hello?'
'Hi, Lewis, it's me.'
Maddie frowns at me, mouthing 'Who is it?' at me,
I shake my head, waving a dismissive hand at her. 'I'll explain later,' I mouth in return.
'Oh, Poppy, hi,' he greets me eagerly. 'How are you?'
'Great,' I mutter. 'Listen, are you free right now?' I feel sick just saying these words, knowing that I'm returning back to what I used to do.
'Yeah, I am,' he confirms. 'Do you want to come over?'
I wince. 'Yeah, that would be great. Just text me the address and I'll be there, okay?' I hang up once he's confirmed his assent.
'Who was that?' Maddie frowns. 'Where are you going?'
'Just a guy I met at the gym today,' I respond carelessly. 'You won't mind staying here, will you? You were going to anyways. I won't be long, I promise.'
She stares at me with narrowed eyes. 'What are you doing, Poppy?'
I swallow. 'I'm going to his. I won't be long.'
A flash of annoyance passes across her face, but she quickly masks it. 'Okay, you'll be back here soon, though, right?'
I nod. 'Of course,' I tell her in reassurance as my phone buzzes with a text from Lewis, telling me his address. 'Thanks so much, Mads, you're the best.'
I drive to Lewis' house quickly, find a parking space and make my way up the path.
He opens the door and greets me with a hug, his face lighting up. 'Hi there.'
'Hey,' I greet him easily.
It doesn't take us long to migrate to the bedroom but, to my disgust, I find myself thinking of Ivan the entire time.
Lewis obviously isn't aware of this, until Ivan's name escapes my lips instead of his.
We both freeze and a long silence ensues.
I look at his shocked face, utterly embarrassed with myself. 'I'm so sorry,' I wince, aware that my face is most likely bright red. 'You didn't deserve that, I'm so sorry.'
He moves off the bed and I do too, picking up my clothes, completely ashamed. 'I'm so sorry,' I repeat as I pull them on. 'I'm going to leave, I'm so sorry.'
Lewis doesn't say anything as I fumble to get all my things together before rushing out of the door, away from him.
I arrive back at my flat, still ridiculously embarrassed and disgusted with myself for even letting that happen in the first place. I was a fool for thinking that it would ever work out, particularly because I'm still so obviously not over Ivan.
Maddie only needs to look at me face once. 'What happened?' she frowns urgently. 'Are you all right?'
I laugh bitterly, shaking my head. 'I'm such an idiot,' I groan, burying my face in my hands. 'I can't believe myself.'
'What is it?'
I explain the story to her, bursting into tears halfway through.
Maddie gently leads me to the sofa and holds me in her arms as I cry pathetically into her shoulder.
'I just... I'm so stupid for thinking that I was over him,' I sob bitterly. 'And I can't believe I just used Lewis like t-that, he's going to h-hate me!'
Maddie strokes my hair, humming softly under her breath. 'It's all right,' she says quietly. 'It's okay, Poppy, he doesn't hate you. If you talk to him about it, then he'll understand. And you're not stupid for thinking you were over him. Everyone wants to get over somebody as soon as they stop seeing them, it's completely natural. You just have to understand that it takes time for that to happen, Pops,' she murmurs. 'You're going to be okay, though. You're going to make it.'
'Am I?' I laugh sadly, shaking my head against the fabric of her t-shirt. 'It hurts, Mads, it hurts.'
'Of course it does,' she agrees softly. 'But it hurt last time too, remember? Six years ago, around the time Oliver was conceived, it hurt more than anything else in the world, didn't it? But you got through it, Poppy. Look at you. You held on and you made it. There's absolutely nothing to say you can't do the same again.'
I eventually lift my head from her shoulder and look at my best friend, my rock. 'Thank you,' I choke out brokenly. 'Just... thank you.'
She doesn't need me to say anything else; we've been on the same wavelength for so long she knows exactly what I'm trying to say. 'You've always done this for me,' she smiles brightly, comfortingly at me. 'You'd be a fool to think that I, that any of us, wouldn't.'
I bite my lip and glance at my feet. 'I feel like we never really talk about you anymore, Mads. How are you? How are things with Bruce?'
Maddie can't help the foolish grin that spreads across her face at the mention of her long term boyfriend. 'We're great,' she nods, her cheeks turning a little red.
I raise an eyebrow, looking at her suggestively. 'Oh yeah?'
'Yeah,' she laughs softly, playing with the hem of her t-shirt. 'We're getting on really well at the moment, Pops, and he's just so great.'
I don't bother to hide my grin. 'That's so great, Mads,' I enthuse. 'You guys have been together for so long now, it's so cute.'
She laughs again, the blush in her cheeks becoming only more pronounced. 'Yeah, it has been a while,' she agrees.
I smile at her. I hope it works out between the two of them; there's nobody else who deserves it more than she does.
We spend the rest of the evening eating ice cream and laughing just like old times. Some things never change.
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So, life without Ivan begins. I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter, let me know what you thought!