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"I'm sorry, Mark!" The small, Chinese male called over his shoulder as he sprinted towards the staircase and made a beeline for the third floor. He could hear it. The chaos of the boys all crowding the door and bombarding the actor with questions and love. Had Renjun been there, the violent curiosity and affection would only have multiplied.
"What the fuck?! Don't just leave me here to tell them!" He hissed in response, but the second oldest resident was long gone, having dodged it all and holed up in his room with one single slam of his door. In fairness, the others could've easily just busted inside as they had the keys and more strength...but he hoped Mark would be able to handle the madness for awhile — at least until he sorted out his thoughts.
With his chest heaving for air and his back pressed to the wooden frame separating him from the men he didn't want to care about so much, he was able to unsheathe his phone from his pocket. The leather pants were just uncomfortable now at this hour of the morning and in this context. Not only that, but he could definitely smell Mark's body spray on his shirt and it was sending all kinds of unnecessary signals to his body.
The same missed calls appeared that he'd seen from the car. Firstly, he wanted to deal with YangYang since he knew how to calm him and chat in a civilised manner. His mother was a different kind of conversation. So, with his lower lip snagged between his teeth, he tapped on his friend's number and waited patiently as it rang out and awaited a receiver.
"Hello? Liu YangYang."
"Hi, Idiot. Do you not have my contact saved?"
"Ah, Renjunnie. I do, but I'm actually grocery shopping right now, so I didn't even check. You're squished between my ear and my shoulder as I pick a can of beans, if it makes you feel better."
The older couldn't help but giggle as he leaned back a bit and pushed off the door. His legs led him to his bedroom without even thinking about it, and he too placed the phone between his ear and shoulder to undress and take a shower. "You should choose the healthiest option."
"Not if they don't taste good."
Dumbass, he thought, smiling like a weirdo as he shimmied out of the leather. "Fine then. Eat fatty beans. Regardless, I called you back because I assumed you wanted to talk about last night."
"Hell yeah, I do. I knew you were going to the premier, but I wasn't informed of that crazy performance of yours until you jumped in and did it. You're insane."
"But you like that, don't lie," Renjun scoffed and then proceeded to slide the red, glittering top off his arms. "Anyway, it was as much of a surprise for me as it was for you. People like us need to stick together though, don't we? All the romance on this planet drifts about in mysterious and different forms, and I guess I'm learning that the hard way."
"Hm? How so? I mean, you're right, we do have a lot to learn about love...but how are you learning this?"
Shoot, I said too much. "My interests are evolving and changing, that's all. It doesn't really matter, anyway. Did you enjoy the show?"
"Of course I did, Jun. You were pretty ethereal, huh? Gave Mark a run for his money."
"You think? I didn't intend to steal the show or anything, but some pervert tested my patience and I felt cornered enough to snap—"
"Wait, a pervert? Renjun, what did you do? What did they do? Why am I only hearing all this now?"
Because I don't want you worrying about me, the older thought dejectedly as he wandered into the bathroom and looked at his appearance in the mirror. To most, he was this stunning, budding doctor with a bright future and amazing apartment neighbours. Yet to himself, he saw this ugly liar with deceit dripping off his tongue. The adult felt his skin wasn't his anymore and he'd stolen this face he once owned to play the innocent guy he just wasn't anymore. When he arrived all that time ago, maybe he was just a cute man without much of a concept of the real world.
But things were different now.
"I didn't have time to relay this story to anyone. To be honest, I'm not even sure if Mark plans on telling it to the others. It's a bit...dramatic, isn't it?"
"Renjun, that's assault. Nothing is too dramatic, even if it's a harmless ass-pinch as you walk down the street, it's not unimportant."
"Yang, please don't tell anyone else. I really just want to sweep it under a nasty rug and forget about it. I didn't get raped in the end, anyway. Mark was there."
"I can't believe this..." he could hear the boy mutter, but the toxic side of Renjun was glad that the submissive side of YangYang — that only wanted to please him — was the most dominant one. In the end, the brunette changed the topic and they were able to move on. "Then...what was it like? Was the invite for a date or...just a hangout or something?"
"With Mark?"
"Mhm. I don't know him, obviously, but like...what's your relationship with him? Pretty good friends now, I suppose?"
"Yeah, more or less." We fucked in his car, what do you call that? "Sometimes I forget I ever hated his guts."
"You always had a lingering crush on him as an actor, though. You even said that when we first hung out for coffee. Still feel like that?"
He's definitely working himself up for a proposal at some stage, the blonde-ravenette thought with pursed lips. He hadn't been one hundred percent sure if his hunch about the younger's feelings was correct...but he had more and more evidence to back him up these days. The worst thing was; he wasn't even sure what his answer would be. A straight up 'yes'? A 'no' due to the unlawful sex he seemed to be making a habit of with a totally separate relationship?
"Renjun?"
"Huh?"
"I-I just asked if you still like Mark for his acting. You okay?"
"Ah, yeah! I'm fine, to be honest...just tired. And I don't know, I still watch his dramas and enjoy them, so I guess I do in a way."
"I see."
The older leaned against the sink with one hand and held the device with the other. He didn't want to spend too much time chatting to people on the phone, and he wanted to meet up with YangYang in person soon as well. And with these in mind, he hummed absentmindedly and wished him well. "I should probably take my shower, hm? Don't be too clumsy in the supermarket, and make sure to eat some healthy stuff too."
"Psh, you're so maternal at times. It's something I love about you."
The giant thump of Renjun's heart skipping a beat made him jolt forward a little from surprise. His eyes widened and his knuckles turned white from his tightening grip on the ceramic surface.
"Oh, sorry," the taller suddenly apologised after a small silence. "I forgot it was kind of weird to say those things."
"It's not. Not really, anyway. Thank you."
YangYang smiled faintly to himself as he loaded a net of oranges into the trolley. "Of course, Renjunnie. Look after yourself, and I'll see you in school tomorrow."
"Oh, yeah. See you then."
"Bye."
They both hung up simultaneously and stared at their screens as well. Hearts were annoying mechanisms, for you couldn't quite control when they acted up. Even finishing a phone call brought loneliness, to which they'd recall everything they'd done beforehand.
"I'm such a terrible person," the adult whispered to himself, and as he slid through the other missed calls to find his mother's contact, a transparent sphere of salty water flecked across his screen, followed by another...and another. Mentally, he found he didn't even deserve to wipe them away or run into the arms of one of the boys downstairs whom he knew would console his distress. He just needed to live with this turmoil until he figured out an answer for everyone.
The phone rang out, left on speaker as the male wandered over to the shower and ran the water. It took a little while for it to heat up here, another point Taeyong claimed he was working on. In truth, the residents didn't even mind that much...they just wanted him to rest.
"Hello? Renjunnie, is this you?"
"Hey Mum. How are you doing over there?"
"I'm pretty good, Baby. You probably saw all my calls and wanted an explanation, huh? I'm just proud of you."
Proud of me? Proud of a son who leads seven men on over a decision he should be able to make so easily? "Thank you," he murmured listlessly, subtly running his hands over his hips as he stared into space, remembering how only hours ago he was being taken to Heaven on a high no drug could produce. A part of him was starting to wish he could just twist the clock back a bit and be there again, or with Jaemin and Jeno...and yet another thought told him he should've never let any of this happen. He should've just pushed them away more, or given YangYang more opportunities to woo him. He had one foot in a grave he had dug himself, and in the end...his mother's beliefs were what drove him.
"Renjun? Are you okay?"
"Hm?"
"Oh, I just noticed you'd gone quiet. I just wanted to ask how your night went, other than that speech of yours. I'm glad you're finally showing an interest in that sort of thing, by the way. You've always been so hard on yourself and never gave boys a chance."
"Yeah, well...you've always told me they'd hurt worse than burns."
"And they do. But they also feel better than waking up and feeling the sun on your face. Your father may not have worked out for me, but that doesn't mean no man will ever work for me at all. Or you. I'm not interested anymore, and I'm happy with my life as it is...but yours has so many chapters left, Renjunnie. You're at the start and you aren't pressing towards any sort of climax yet."
"I just," he gritted his teeth, the water starting to heat up now, and he only turned the temperature up higher to feel the sting with his hand under the flow. "I feel like I'll disappoint you."
"How? You know I accept your sexuality—"
"It's not even that. It's so, so much more complicated, Mum." He was already getting frustrated with himself and he hadn't even come out with the news yet.
But what news?
He'd never said it aloud before. Never admitted it to anyone, nor himself.
I'm fucking polyamorous, he blinked widely, biting back a hiss when the water burned him. He let it. Watching the skin on his palm and wrist redden.
"You're worrying me a bit, here. Is someone not treating you right? Are you scared to admit you've found someone at all? You know I'd love to meet anyone you care about, Renjun. I won't judge if I can help it."
Oh Mum, he inwardly sighed and eventually drew his hand back and cringed at the searing pain of it. "Remember when you told me you'd hang me upside down from the kitchen ceiling if I ever got a girl pregnant before either of us were ready?"
"Of course. You were about thirteen weren't you? Rambling about liking someone."
"And then I told you it was a boy, and you then got all anxious about me being the one to get hurt?"
"Where's this going, Renjun?"
Maybe you should hang me upside down from the kitchen ceiling...because I feel like shit for pulling these strings. For hurting them even if they aren't pregnant girls. "I don't know. Just felt like reminiscing."
"You confuse me these days. I don't know what the city is doing to you," she ended up chuckling and the younger could hear shuffling on the other end as though she were starting to cook or something. "It's fine, though. If you don't want to talk about it yet, you don't have to—"
"Mum, I genuinely do need to tell you something..."
"I know. I could tell even from the phone," she hummed. "But I sense a lot of hesitance."
"It's because it's weird. I'm..." polyamorous, "W-We talked about all kinds of relationships and things that exist, but..." I'm polyamorous. Say it. Say it, say it, say it!
"Struggling?"
Why does my heart feel so fucking sore right now? Why can I hear my pulse in my ears? "I like...someone. S-Some..." some people, Idiot. There are more! "Someone." Great, the grave gets deeper.
"Yeah? Baby, why is it so hard to tell me? I'm not going to use the wooden spoon on you for being in love. We've both been through enough already, don't you think? Just say it. Is he a gangster? Does he have a foul-mouth I wouldn't appreciate?"
"I-I'm sorry. I feel like I've wasted your time," he choked out and instantly elicited a guttural sob as he collapsed against the sinks and struggled to breathe to make the tightness in his chest go away. He was panicking. In pain. "I have to go..."
"Renjun?"
"I'll talk to you soon." The male swiftly ended the call and turned off his phone so he wouldn't have to see more calls fly through. He couldn't stop crying like a child, rubbing his eyes red and listening to the water run wastefully.
It wasn't a sin to feel the way he felt about these men. It wasn't wrong to want a relationship like they had.
But he couldn't bring himself to tell his own mother who never even raised it as a possibility. She could list gangsters, abuse, someone who spits nonstop profanities and other weird attributes...but it would've helped had she mentioned more than one boyfriend. He couldn't do it on his own. Would she even understand it? It was a step too far, he felt.
He trembled and sobbed as he stepped under the burning aqua, squeaking when it hurt so bad. But it took away from the pain inside a little, and he felt so fucking lost. He just wanted to wake up tomorrow morning with six boyfriends and the rest sorted out. Why wasn't life so simple?
"Renjun?!" He could hear someone yell, followed by the sound of his door opening and eventually his bathroom door. A tall figure emerged from the steam, but the blurriness had set in and the shorter could barely make out the identity.
"Ugh, that's hot," he could hear him say, and the voice was definitely Jisung's. Then, as the temperature lowered and everything became a bit more bearable, he could feel the said boy get in with him and close the shower door again. Strong, wet arms around his figure with a firm, naked torso pressed to his back didn't even feel sexual in this situation. He really appreciated the hug. "I don't know why you're crying or burning yourself, but there's hot chocolate downstairs if you want it instead of talking."
Renjun ended up turning around weakly and latching around the tall Korean to bury his face in his chest. "Mhm...sounds nice."
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