Reviewer: PeterPan2210
Reviewee: Purrfectlacy
Story reviewed: Angel wings and Ivy leaves
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Overall comments
It's great. I love how vintage it sounds and how really well thought out the foundation of the story is. I think this story has great potential and could go a long way if written properly.
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Cover:
10/10
The cover looks good.
Title:
9.5/10
It fits.
Description
10/10
It's good.
Basic plot:
9.5/10
The very basic plot, the very idea of a story that's set in a world where racism was still very prevalent and very stark intrigues me because it's so daring. Most people wouldn't set their story in a world like that; you have and that's what I liked about it.
Your protagonist is going to go through shit, obviously and on top of all of that she has to handle her mother too, which even I know is the hardest thing to do. I can see potential in your story, a plot that would set well but at the same time, while I get the idea of the plot, I'm not so sure how you'll pull that plot off with the stuff you've written yet although I'll be waiting.
Content:
9/10
Tbh, I loved that it isn't the typical "blonde girl/American girl/brit" narrative that most people write. Maybe it's just me but I haven't seen a lot of people writing about black women.
Another thing that I loved was the sheer amount of vintage feel I could get while reading the story. You're good at descriptive imaginative writing.
I also haven't seen people starting their stories with descriptions of a shop that sells Pirated stuff which is pretty awesome because I have been to a few shops back in the day where they sold Pirated DVDs and cassette versions of album songs. And tbh, that was savagery in its most 21st-century appropriate form. Burnt out cigarettes on the counter, alcohol bottles laying around etc. It wasn't anything like the civilized area I lived in. Your chapters did capture that sort of savagery which was good. But there were some issues in your content which I will mention under further categories.
Pace + Sequence:
8.5/10
Not really slow but I'd like if you launched into the actual mystery and drama a bit faster because your chapters are long and it gets tedious having to read an interaction between some friends for an entire chapter. Don't pace it up a lot but don't slow it down too much either. Middle ground.
The sequencing is fine.
Grammar + Punctuation + Tense:
6/10
I commented it out only for the half of the first chapter but I did find plenty of other grammar and tense mistakes strewn around in the prose in the other 2 chapters. There's also certain punctuation issues that I think you need to have a look at.
Have it edited (quick shout out to gemme community's editing shop).
Structuring/Tone + Voice
6/10
The tone and voice were fine but ugh, the structuring.
The amount of adjectives that you've used to describe everything is exhausting. It's overwhelming and personally, it overwhelmed me so much that I didn't have the energy to read anything after your book. A good book would also cause me to react the same way but I wouldn't be exhausted after reading it, I'd be talking about how good it was. Your book had too many adjectives to describe too many things **sobs** that's really not how you go about explaining everything.
Imagine explaining real life like this:
I'm wearing a jet black, spaghetti strapped top with tan brown leather jacket that looks like it's been freshly skinned from a crocodile's back (Not really. I don't support any poaching or skinning. It's just an example) Paired with it is a parrot green pant in rich denim. My dark chocolate brown hair are slicked back with jel halfway through and the rest of it falls in onion-ring like ringlets down my rigid back.
Now you're probably laughing at how ridiculous all that sounds. Onion rings and crocodile really do the job at snapping your final string and making you think, "Damn this person was high on something while writing."
Now, imagine if I filled a complete chapter with that tosh. Exactly, you know what I mean.
My response wasn't the same but it did look like you were trying to show off with the overuse of adjectives and expressions. It was also exhausting and frustrating at times. Tone it down, please.
Originality:
9.5/10
Your plot really did it for me. Good job.
Reader enjoyment:
6/10
The overuse of adjectives put me off.
Overall score:
84/100
Well done.
Thank you for choosing me.
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