The muddy riverbank squelched under my boots, my eyes searching for any old tracks or anything I might've missed. My heart still quivered in my chest, and my eyes were constantly brimming with tears.
The bridge was still in tatters, and let's face it, it'll probably never be rebuilt. It's been ten weeks since... Ten long, excruciating weeks. A week after it happened, I began casing parts of the river, hoping to find traces of Rick. We never recovered a body, and that sparks hope within me. No body means there's a chance he could still be out here. The river is long and leads to the ocean. I don't know how long it'll take me to scour it, but I have to do it.
The mud squelched beneath my boots, and I kneeled, examining it closely. He was hurt, yes, but we don't die. We just don't. The mud held several tracks, all of them correlating with walker tracks. If there are walker tracks, maybe I can decipher old tracks that might've come from Rick?
I shook my head, knowing that it was a long shot. It's been ten weeks; if Rick did get up and run away from walkers, he would've gone to one of the communities. But what if there's still a massive horde following him, and he's leading them as far away from us as he can before coming home?
Again, I shook my head and wiped the tears from my eyes. I know I'm reaching for whatever scenario that points toward Rick still alive, but I can't give up! Not when we need him... not when I need him. It's stupid of me to have this hope, but I can't help it. My logical and hopeful sides constantly battle one another, and it's taking its toll on my mental health. I balled my fist and pounded it against my chest, trying to beat the pain out of myself.
I stood tall and readjusted my knife and sword, my fingers tracing the initials carved into the handle of my knife gingerly. The smooth wood that usually comforted me failed to make me feel better, and I could feel my eyes threatening to water again. I always knew the blackness of death was following us around every corner, but I didn't expect it to claim Rick so quickly—not when things have been going so well for all of us. Selena had started feeling better, almost returning to her old self. Thad and Judith were safe and thriving. The communities were coming together and blossoming—well, the Sanctuary was struggling, but we were coming to its aid.
Rick exited my life like how he entered it—unexpectedly. I still remember the day I first met him, like it was yesterday rather than years ago. I still remember watching him reunite with Lori and Carl, with jealousy and sadness brewing in my chest. I remember how he tried to 'protect' me in Atlanta, even though I could easily take care of myself. The CDC, the farm, those months on the road, the prison, Terminus, and finally Alexandria, all of that we did together. We leaned on one another for support, even before we had anything romantic between us. Our relationship only solidified into something even stronger after we finally got together. We knew we could count on one another. We could bounce ideas off one another. We could tell one another when the other was being unreasonable. He was my rock, and now he's gone...
A soft growling behind me tore me out of my thoughts, forcing me to crash-land to the here and now. I closed my eyes and sighed, mentally preparing myself. I turned and reopened my eyes, observing the lone walker that shambled my way. It was heavily decayed, and the clothes that hung off it wasn't the beige shirt and black pants that I knew Rick wore last. Plus, it also didn't have the usual brown boots he had worn since the day I met him. I let out a breath of relief and approached the walker, my knife glistening as the sun hit it. Quickly getting rid of the walker, I let it drop to the ground with a thud and stepped around it.
The wind blew past me, carrying the faint smell of decay and the low rumblings of a horde of walkers. I held my knife tightly and grabbed my sword, prepping myself for the newcomers. The first of the walkers trickled in from all angles, and I quickly recognized that I would be overwhelmed in a matter of seconds. I braced myself and let out a slow exhale. I swung my sword around, my wrist moving around its axis, and started swinging at the walkers. Heads rolled, chopped in half, and bodies tumbled to the ground all around me. Still, despite being able to kill more than I expected, the horde was never-ending.
Retreating a few steps, I searched the walkers wildly, trying to find any that resembled Rick. As each walker closed in on me, I swung, killing them. My attention focused on a walker dressed in beige and black, instantly making my heart race and forget about the swarm that surrounded me. A cold, dead hand wrapped around my wrist, making me tear my gaze away from the other walker and zone in on what was in front of me. I struggled against the dead body, trying to create as much distance between it and me. My foot caught onto something, causing me to fall back with the walker on top of me.
My heart stuttered in my chest, and I grunted, lifting my knife and stabbing it deep within the walker's head. The head dropped onto my chest, but the growls above me reminded me that I was still far away from being out of danger. The weight on me doubled, almost suffocating me. Another walker climbed on top of its dead companion and me, its jaws snapping at me. Immediately, a bolt crunched through the walker's skull, and fell limp, effectively dog-piling on me. I didn't need to look up to know that Daryl came to my rescue. A whoop in the air alerted me to Jacob's presence, too. I struggled underneath the two walkers, trying to worm my way out while the rest were drawn to Daryl and Jacob.
Brushing myself off, I watched as Daryl and Jacob finished off the horde and rolled my eyes. I come out here to be alone. I would ask them to come if I wanted them out here with me. Taking a chance, I ran into the woods, trying to create as much distance between us. I know them; they're going to try dragging me back to Alexandria. If I wanted to be home, I would be there. I need to be out here.
"June!" Daryl's voice penetrated the silence, making me pick up the pace, "June, stop!" I spared a glance behind me and breathed a sigh of relief, noticing how they weren't anywhere near me. Suddenly, I crashed into a tree and went flying onto my back. A groan left me, and I rubbed the spot on my head where it had hit the tree.
"Shit," Jacob hissed, "You okay, June?"
"Just leave," I muttered without opening my eyes, "I want to be alone," One of the men sighed, and two pairs of hands gripped my arms, hoisting me up. I groaned and opened my eyes, frowning at the two men before me.
"What do you think you're doing?" Jacob questioned. Geez, when he uses that tone of voice, it makes me feel like a kid who got caught with their hand in the cookie jar.
"I'm searching for Rick," I said matter-of-factly, "He's out here." The look they shared didn't go unnoticed. A sadness passed between them before they focused on me again.
"You shouldn't be out here alone, then," Daryl muttered, "We can help you look," The help would be nice, but I can't afford to be distracted by them. Plus, I don't want to deal with the sad glances and awkward tension. I know Daryl and Jacob won't hover, and Daryl will only converse if I want to, but Jacob...
I know he's trying to be there for me, but he won't shut up sometimes. I swallowed thickly and shook my head, knowing they wouldn't leave me alone now. Daryl eyed me cautiously before clicking his tongue at me.
"Why don't we go home?" Daryl suggested, "Have ya even seen Thad today?" I bit my lip, feeling guilty. I woke up, told Selena to watch Judith and Thad, and have been out here since. I came out when the sun had only been up for about an hour, and now it's well past noon.
"Judith's been asking for you a lot lately," Jacob murmured. My eyes watered slightly, and I cleared my throat. Have I been so absent? Am I a bad parent? I've been too focused on finding Rick than paying attention to my children.
"Let's go home," I muttered and turned on my heel, wiping at my eyes to rid them of the excess moisture. The entire walk back to Alexandria was quiet, something I was grateful about. Each walker that passed us, I had to get up close to make sure it wasn't Rick. We had to stop for every indentation in the dirt so I could examine it. Even when Daryl would debunk it as a walker, I would still have to stay squatted, studying it. I may be grasping at straws, but I refuse to believe he's gone.
After close to two hours, we finally made it back to the gates of Alexandria. Everyone flashed me sorry looks, something I hoped I would never have to go through again after Carl, and I nearly ran back home. Daryl and Jacob continued to follow closely, shutting the door behind them when we entered the house.
"Mommy!" Judith squealed as I entered the living room. I let a forced, tight smile spread across my lips and kneeled, wrapping her in a tight embrace.
"Hey, Judy," I whispered, lifting her in my arms and cradling the back of her head. She buried her head in the crook of my neck and wrapped her arms around me tightly. Thad sat between Selena and Michonne from the sofa, his hands extended towards me, and his small body gyrated in absolute glee. I approached my little boy and shifted Judith to one side, allowing myself to scoop Thad into my arms. I hugged my children tightly, realizing just how much I missed them. A part of me felt horrible for abandoning them these past few weeks, but the other part, which I know is illogical and filled with false hope, wanted to find Rick for them. They need their father. I need their father.
"Where were you?" Selena asked hesitantly. I sighed and sank into the sofa where Thad previously sat, adjusting Judith to sit on my left thigh while Thad sat on my right.
"River," I answered, knowing nothing else would need to be said. Judith looked up at me with her round, hazel eyes and frowned.
"Are you leaving again?" She whispered, her eyes filling with tears, "When is daddy coming home?" I swallowed thickly and felt my chest shake. How do I tell my three-year-old that her dad isn't coming home?
"He's with Carl," I croaked out, "I don't know when he'll come back," Judith nodded and rested her head against my chest, playing with the ends of my hair. Silence droned on between us, deafening me and leaving me in the scary confines of my head. Thad will never remember his father, and Judith will remember very little. Not to mention...
I shook my head and focused on my children in my arms. Their dad is gone, but I'm still here. I'm still breathing, and as long as I am, I will do everything I can to protect them and let them know that they are loved. Behind me, the sun started to set, darkening the room around us. Judith yawned and snuggled into me while Thad was already passed out. I smiled down at them, enjoying the next few minutes before I put them to bed.
"Let me help you," Jacob murmured, reaching for Thad and cradling him, "Your room or?" I nodded and followed him with Judith in my arms.
"He's been crawling like crazy," Jacob murmured, opening my bedroom door, "Mich and I chased after him nearly all day. Little tyke must've thought it was a game 'cause he kept laughing." I placed Judith down in the bed and tucked her in, kissing her forehead softly.
"What about Judy?" I whispered, waiting for Jacob by the door.
"Sel has been taking over with teaching her in the meantime, but she has a lot to learn, too," Jacob whispered, "Judith's been asking about you a lot," I pursed my lips and closed the door behind us, the familiar feeling of guilt washing over me. We re-entered the living room, where Daryl, Selena, and Michonne sat on the long sofa, their eyes on me.
"We need to talk," Michonne announced, motioning for the single chair by the west wall. Nervously, I walked over and sat down, waiting to hear their thoughts. This has to be some kind of intervention, right?
"Mom," Selena whimpered. I watched as her lower lip trembled and tears filled her eyes, "I need you here," My heart felt like it was shattering again. I've been so wrapped up in my emotions that I haven't considered Selena's feelings. She was barely getting over Carl's death, and then we lost Rick. I breathed in shakily and leaned forward, brushing my hair back and propping my elbows on my knees.
"I'm sorry, Sel," I whispered, "I-I've been selfish, and I haven't thought about you kids."
"June, we know it's hard for you," Michonne started, "It's hard for all of us too. Rick was our brother, our friend, but we can't have you running out there alone," I looked up at her and suddenly felt defensive. She would be doing the same thing if Jacob had gone missing.
"What we're saying," Jacob interjected, "Is that we want you to have one of us with you out there."
"We can't lose you, too," Daryl whispered, "The kids need ya," A wave of guilt washed over me again, making me lean back into my chair, "What do you think woulda happened if Jake and I didn't turn up when we did? You'd be dead right now,"
"I-I just—" I paused, trying to maintain the wall I've built, "I-I need to find him," The wall broke, and the enormous tsunami-like waves pounded me. My eyes overflowed with the tears I had been trying so hard to contain, and my chest shook violently, "We need him. I need him, especially now." Michonne cocked an eyebrow at me, the gears turning in her head.
"Why, especially now?" She asked me quietly. I bit my lip and wrapped my hands around my midsection, knowing I couldn't sit on this anymore. I hoped to find Rick and share the news with him before telling anyone else, but it doesn't seem like that would be happening.
"I'm pregnant," I announced. Silence overtook each of us, and I kept my eyes glued to my fingers, suddenly feeling shameful. Why do I feel like this? If Rick were here, it would be fantastic news. Well, maybe not amazing, but we'd be happy. We didn't plan this, but we didn't plan Thad either.
"How'd you know?" Daryl asked, breaking the silence.
"I haven't gotten my period," I told him, avoiding all eye contact, "I've started feeling nauseous again. My veins on my chest are popping out again like they were the first time around."
"Are you sure?" Selena asked, "It could be all the stress and emotion that delayed your period."
"I just know," I closed my eyes, a few tears slipping down my cheeks, "I feel different. I feel like how I did when I was pregnant with Thad,"
"Wow," Jacob breathed, "Do you have a guess on how far you might be?" The morning before taking Thad and Judith to Siddiq, the same day a few Saviors went missing, came flooding back into my head. That occurred about a week before the bridge incident, so I have to be around eleven weeks.
"Probably 11 weeks," I murmured.
"Again, June?" Daryl suddenly snapped, "You barely had Thad, and you're already pregnant again?"
"It's not like I planned to get pregnant!" I yelled, "I didn't ask for this to happen! I didn't ask for any of this."
"What? Rick couldn't pull out or something?" Daryl stood up from his spot, his tired face turning red, "Sounds like you planned for this!"
"Why are you so mad?" I stood up, approaching the tall man and balling my fist, "I'm the one that lost him. I'm the one that has been living in hell for ten weeks! What do I tell my children when they ask about him? What do I tell his new baby? How am I going to raise three kids under the age of five by myself?" I should feel angry; I should feel like punching the man in front of me, but I couldn't bring myself to. All I can feel is desperation and depression. Daryl let a lone tear fall from his eye, his lips in a tight line and quivering. My knees grew wobbly, and my entire body felt heavy. My cheeks felt wet, and my chest hurt. Without warning, I collapsed into Daryl and sobbed, all the stress of these past two and a half months wearing down on me.
----*----
She's a walking incubator again, guys lol
So these next chapters are going to be within that six-year time jump. Hope you guys enjoy them.