EVERYTHING FELT LIKE A BLUR. I could vaguely remember stepping inside the tiny apartment as I stared blankly at the wine stains in the carpet, packing the few essential belongings I had into a bag, and watching the cars outside as we drove to the police station. That was all I'd done lately, was observe my surroundings. But as I sat inside the station, it felt like my life was completely on autopilot, and all I could do was sit there out of touch.
I should have been sobbing. I should have been screaming, broken, absolutely destroyed. My mother was gone, forever, and not just in the metaphorical way. She was the dead kind of gone. Except no matter how hard I tried to get myself to cry, I couldn't. I tried to remember her best moments instead of what she turned into, all I could do was sit there stoic and numb. I tried to picture her from before when she was still 'Mom' to me instead of Whitney. But that mother had long since been dead, locked away in the back of my mind and hiding behind the other, worse memories. Maybe that was why there was no mourning or tears. I had already been grieving that version of her for years now.
But knowing that didn't stop the pit of guilt at the bottom of my stomach from growing. I couldn't even cry at my own mother's death. The pit just grew larger and larger and larger and larger until before I knew it, it consumed me entirely.
TJ's leather jacket was still engulfing my tiny frame, the material almost drowning me. I had never felt so small before, especially when a worker there asked me if I was willing to be questioned about her. I'm assuming that it was concerns due to the bruise, but I silently refused and stared down at the jacket's sleeves. TJ said he found it at a pawn shop a long time ago, and while it was roughed up from years of consistent wearing, the original patches still remained. I traced the letters on one of them with my thumb, the movement slightly pulling me back to reality. Familiar voices were talking with another new one, and I lifted my head up to the see none other than Niko and TJ discussing something with the lady behind the counter. They saw me looking at them and hurried over to my seat in the cushion chair.
"Hey, we came as soon as we could," Niko said and rubbed my shoulder, sympathy in his voice. It was clear that this was taking almost as much of a toll on him as it was me, and I immediately felt a surge of guilt. "Ma and Pa were tied up at the diner, and Theo had to get home, but they're really sorry—"
"Please tell them not to worry about it, I didn't want them to see me like this anyway," I said, shaking my head. They obviously just cared, but they didn't need another reason to lose sleep over me. I had a feeling that I looked almost as awful as I felt.
Worry was evident in their eyes as they looked at each other. "You holding up okay?"
That was a question that I would have loved to know the answer to. I couldn't even think of her without feeling like so was going to be sick, and all I really wanted was to crawl in my bed and sleep off the rest of the exhausting day. Some would say that I was in denial or ignoring the truth, but maybe that wasn't such a bad thing. It sure seemed like the easier option.
"I don't know, Nik. But what I do know is that you need to go home and get some rest," I said truthfully. "You know that I'll be fine, I always am." He looked as if he wanted to protest, but figured out that I wasn't changing my mind. He sighed but gave me kiss on the top of my head and ruffled my hair. I gave him a half smile, punching his arm lightly.
"You know you'll always be my little sister, right? No matter what happens," he said firmly.
"No matter what happens," I repeated, meaning every word. He hugged me quickly, and after one last concerned glance he left the station. That left just me and TJ. He was about to say something but stopped when he heard the clicking of heels behind him. The lady that they were talking with earlier walked up to us.
"I hate to interrupt, but Genevieve?" she said. I winced involuntarily.
"Evie's fine," I corrected, probably too tensely, but hearing that name was getting old. She didn't seem too fazed by it, because all she did was smile her customer service smile once again.
"Alright. Well I just wanted you to know that there's someone important waiting for you. I'll let you two finish up your chat, but once you're done just come into the first door on the left." I mumbled a quiet 'thank you' as she walked off, apprehensive about what she meant by important. I tilted my head up at TJ, who seemed equally confused.
"Let's 'chat'," I said in a mockingly happy voice, trying to lighten the mood. Clearly it didn't work considering the circumstances, but he just plopped in the chair next to me. "Make yourself comfortable, why don't you," I muttered, but still a little thankful for his company. Neither of us were saying anything, which usually wasn't a problem with me but not today. My mind was thinking too much for that. Instead of letting the silence remain, I decided to ask what had been bothering me the moment that state worker told me about my mother.
"What do you think's gonna happen when I go in there?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper. So far I've been holding up decently, but talking about it made me feel like I was going to shatter with one wrong movement. "Honestly. I mean it's not like I have any relatives, so foster care?" I knew that would be the case, but in that moment I was just hoping he would lie, to give me some sort of false hope. A miracle was the most I could wish for right now.
"Fuck, I hope not," he said, and even TJ, the strongest person I knew, started choking up a little.
"Me too," I said quietly, trying my best to hold back any potential tears. "We always keep getting the shit end of the deck, huh?" Everything was getting more and more complicated the past few years, and there was nothing we could do to change it.
"Seems like it, doesn't it?" He looked like he was lost in another world. "You know, I can't believe you haven't demanded that I leave yet."
"Well you've already seen me at my fucking worst, and somehow you still haven't ran off yet." Reminders of that night come flooding in, the memory like an old souvenir from the experience. The second I mentioned it, his eyes turned dark.
"Gen, I need you to promise me something." He stared at me so intensely it felt like he was peering into my soul. I hadn't heard him call me that in a while, but despite my reactions to the workers calling me by my real name I never had a problem when he said it. It sounded natural, even comfortable coming from him. Either way I knew he wasn't messing around when he used it.
"Anything, Tyler," I said with no hesitation, using his full name just as he did to me. And I meant anything.
"I don't want you going back to like it was a year ago. That's the only thing that scares me. We don't know what's going to happen, but please just call, or text, or tell someone if you feel like you're going back to that because I can't lose you again. Promise you will." Although he didn't say it aloud, we both knew what he was talking about. I played with the patch on the jacket sleeve again, not wanting to think about it. It was a topic that we tried as hard as we could to avoid, but obviously today was far from typical.
"I promise. And I won't, so don't worry." Like he was capable of that. I started to get up to go to the room, but then suddenly I remembered I was still wearing his jacket. "Oh shit, here's your jacket." I started to take it off to hand to him but he stopped me.
"It's yours. Keep it," he shrugged nonchalantly, and my eyes widened.
"You sure?" I asked. I'd known him for the past three years, and I couldn't even think of a time that I've seen him without it. I was surprised he was so willing to give it away.
"Yeah. Looks better on you anyway." I shook my head and smiled at him sadly, knowing that even right now my cheeks turned a light shade of pink.
"Thanks. Well I guess I'll see you later, Williams." He stood up after me and wrapped an arm around me tightly, and I did the same. With his other arm, he sneakily placed the half empty flask into the inside jacket pocket. Right in the middle of the fucking police station. He gave me a kiss on the cheek, probably lingering a bit too long but I was too busy enjoying it to care.
"See you around, Barrett," he said, and although his eyes still showed concern, there was a slight teasing tone to his voice. Now I was really blushing. I chuckled as he gave a mock salute, which I returned. He turned and walked out, and I quickly realized that any distractions were gone. I was pulled back into reality once again. My mother was gone, and as terrible as I felt for not missing her as much as I should, I was even more worried about whatever was behind that door. I rubbed my eyes to ensure that no tears would fall, preparing to be issued my death sentence. It was now or never. I arranged my hair in front of my face to cover the bruise and opened the door.
Shockingly, it was much more cozy and homey than I expected. There was the lady, yes, but sitting on a couch across from her were two very familiar-looking men. They must have been in their late twenties, and despite one having bright red hair and freckles while the other had brown a few shades lighter than mine, I decided that their tired features were far too similar to not be related. Both pairs of brown eyes fell upon me in disbelief, like they couldn't decide between being ecstatic or concerned. Either way it was like they had found the thing they had always been searching for, and a gut instinct told me that they weren't strangers.
The lady looked at me expectantly, like she was waiting for me to say something, and when I didn't she just smiled again. "You can go ahead and take a seat." There was still plenty of room on the couch, and the two moved over to make more, but I sat down on the armchair next to it. I continued to feel their eyes on me burning into the side of my skull, but I still just stared straight ahead. "I suppose we'll start by giving you some background." What kind of background, I had no idea, but I was just pleased that this wasn't an interrogation.
"Do you know anything about your family outside of your mother?" she asked softly, but all I could do was shrug. The only time she mentioned anything was when she was so out of it you couldn't understand her, and it was only the occasional word or two about my father and how shitty he was. I heard a sigh from next to me, but I wasn't willing to look over yet. "We figured that would be the case. I know this will come as a shock, but before you were born she was married to your father for a long time. And in that marriage, she had seven children before you. Two of which are in this room next to you."
Holy fuck.
She was being serious?
Finally I turned to see the two of them looking at me sadly, the dots connecting in my head. It was too good to be true, but it was real. I was taken aback, trying my best to conceal my surprise.
I couldn't say anything, and instead I just slowly nodded in astonishment, trying to take everything in. The last twenty-four hours had been insane enough on their own, but throwing this into the mix? I couldn't even process it.
"I'm Dax, the oldest, and that's Eli, the second oldest," the brown-haired one said with a big, melancholy smile. "We've tried to find you for so long. I know this is a big change, but we'll be sure to catch you up. It'll be great to have you home."
"Home?" I mumbled, still dazed from the entire situation. Not only am I not going to foster care, but I'll also be living with seven brothers that I've never met.
"Home," Eli smiled.
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a/n:
thanks for reading yet again!
~ elle
wc : 2121