Amelia: Chapter 11 — My Most Grievous Fault
Confiteor Deo omnipotenti,
et vobis fratres,
quia peccavi nimis
cogitatione, verbo,
opere et omissione:
mea culpa, mea culpa,
mea maxima culpa.
Ideo precor beatam Mariam semper Virginem,
omnes Angelos et Sanctos,
et vos, fratres,
orare pro me ad Dominum Deum nostrum.
...
*Voice Recorder Clicks*
"Entry Number 1:
Log Date: December 1st, 2007. The UHN called me today. Those bastard higher-ups... always thinking that I'm willing to do anything for them. This is going to be the first of many recordings I'm probably going to be doing. If this is really as important as they say this is, then I swear to God it's real.
Apparently, they want me to take in this kid. Apparently, she's powerful... more than anything that this society's ever seen. They also want me to take in the kid's mother... 'Amy,' I think her name is. Those in the UHN already know what my goal is, but this isn't the point. This child... I desire its latent power.
As opposed I am to the idea, I can't say that it isn't worth a shot. This child's mother might be worth something, and if their powers are as powerful as the superiors say they are... then I might be able to twist their powers to aid me in my dream...
They already arranged our meeting. In the coming months, she and I will be together for the next... who knows how long.
Duly so. I do feel bad about the other one though... all those tries, and still: nothing.
I already abandoned my family for this life I've chosen. I don't mind, though... they already seem to despise me, especially my wife back home. She doesn't deserve this... she was one of the only bright lights I have left in this world.
Anyhow, they will be arriving tomorrow. I don't know if I'll ever come back to this recording... it's honestly just me trying to make sense of this whole situation. I'm looking forward to what kind of ability this child has..."
...
"Entry Number 4:
Heh heh heh... how many months has it been since my last entry? Has it really been almost a year since making the first? I never really took this seriously, but I'm here now, so I should probably begin.
Life is becoming harder for Amy and I, and the guilt is becoming too overbearing. According to the UHN, the plan is a go. If it's made public that I've had a part in whatever's going to happen tomorrow, then I will lose everything...
The child is becoming more and more unstable. If the reach of her power is this great, then I always wonder as to how powerful it will become when it matures. It's ironic... if I found out about this years ago, then I thought my search would finally be over, but now that I'm uncovering the truth... this has just become a lot harder.
I haven't shown my face back home in a while. My standing is definitely going to take a toll, but this is going to be worth it. If it's all for him, I'll do it; I swore that to myself, didn't I?
But what will happen to Amy? No, I don't feel anything more than compassion for her... I gave that up a long time ago. Of course, having spent almost a year with a person really changes the way you look at them... They said that they would take care of her, but... I've been having serious doubts about this the more I think about it:
What's in it for them? I already know how deviously acquisitive they are, so I see no reason why they would keep her after she'd lost her own powers. I'm apathetic to it... but, somehow, I hope that she makes it out of this without too much repercussion.
They'll be funding me — making sure that I keep due on my promise. I don't doubt myself... I know what I'm doing. I care about both of them, I truly do... but my ambition is more important. I just wish I could convince myself to see that.
It's going to be okay. I know it will be... it'll all be worth it.
They called me. They have everything ready.
I pray to God that it'll all turn out okay."
...
"I... I did it. I lost everything I had... all for this. Just like they said, I disappeared without a trace. Nobody knows who I am, and nobody will know what I have done. I played along with it, and... it's over.
Why am I even recording this...?
...Who am I kidding?— It's all because of the words she told me before leaving.
I was so sure I was ready to do this. I convinced myself over and over that nothing was going to persuade me to have second thoughts... but as she told me how fearful she was that we were going to die... after telling me all of the hopes and dreams she's had of the future with her baby...
Goddamn... I can't stop replaying those moments over and over in my head. And what'll I do if she finds out what I'm really trying to do? I don't think I could ever show my face to the public ever again.
I recently had a talk with my wife... heh, of course she's furious — who wouldn't be after their husband walks out on them like that?
I... haven't told her, nor my family on exactly what I'm doing. All they know is that... I've been gone a long, long time. This isn't about just me anymore... it's about the safety of the future. If all those premonitions were true, then what I'm doing here will be for the greater good of the whole world.
I just wish that these mistakes will only haunt me, and nobody else involved. What would I do if my family got involved with this investigation...?
I just hope that this all stays under wraps. I know if this all comes to light, everything I've ever known will be over. I'll just continue doing this, and it'll all be over...
The rain is going to stop soon... I know it will. It will stop because of me... this is how I'll reach the top.
Right now, the child is in the other room. Christ... what the hell am I doing? She's barely old enough to run. I hope she doesn't grow up and remember any of this... her fate had already been decided. I hope she comes to terms with this when she matures...
I'm going to have a secret meeting with the UHN. At the very least, I hope they keep true on their word. If this was all for naught, then I-
I don't even know anymore... My life has been spiraling without meaning for as long as I've remembered. Maybe, figuring all of this out will give my life the meaning that it needs.
I think I'm going to go to bed. I just need some time to think all of this through. If this were anybody else aside from me in this situation, they would break immediately... even him.
I can't think about that just yet. I have to remain focused on my goal.
I'll come back to this tomorrow... I-I don't know anymore..."
...
"Entry Number 9:
The device is acting up again. I had to stay up for God knows how long because of her crying. Please, don't give me that... I could barely hear my own thoughts from my own tears.
She's doing it again. She's had another fit, and the rain began to act up again. I know that I can figure this out... her power is just too much for me to handle. My theory was correct: it seems as though her strength only increases with experience.
Every day I try to manifest it, it becomes even more powerful. It's about her origin — I know it is. That's really all I have to say for that... I say that it's getting more and more powerful, but, as the days go by, attempting to harness it becomes more and more difficult.
Anything else... oh, yeah...
I told my wife... that I'm conducting experiments. I didn't tell her it was on a child, but, still, she's infuriated with me. She's wondering why I take this into more importance than her... who can blame her?— I'd hate myself, too...
Every night, I have nightmares about Amy. Every time I try to bring her up, the auditors brush her off. My worst fears are becoming worse and worse the more they try to avoid answering my questions. I hope she isn't hurt... I pray to God she isn't hurt.
What the hell am I still doing here, anyway...?
My mistakes are piling on and on... not just from back home, but, now they're all coming back to torment me all these years later. This is the path that I had chosen for myself... so why am I just now having doubts about this?
I have committed a countless number of sins in my lifetime. I've accepted this in my head so many times, and it seems like nothing could convince me otherwise. But here I am now: wallowing in my own guilt and sorrow... it's all their fault.
Heh heh... I think I have a clue as to why it's like this now.
It's all because of Amy.
This woman... made me feel like there was something more to life than what everyone else has decided for me. She's made me see that, maybe— just maybe— that there's a different path that I could have undertaken.
I blame her... it's all because of her and her child that I've become... sentimental. She just had to go ahead and overcomplicate the linear course my life would have gone. And now, everything she's loved and known— everything I've come to known!— is all gone; all gone in the underhanded clutches of greed and avarice...
But I am no better... everyone is most likely died because of my foolish actions. Do I wish to revert everything if I could...? No, no I don't... I've gone too far in this now; I'll only become more of a coward if I throw in the towel now of all times.
I've acknowledged that I am going to the deepest trenches of the inferno when I pass on. There's a special place down there for the wicked like me. No amount of guilt will ever account for the sins I've committed. There has been so much... too much pain in my story. It's all my fault that he's dead... it all started with him.
Honestly, I'm on the verge of ending it all. I have nobody to come home to, nobody who I can say I love, and nobody who can say that loves me. The only thing keeping me going is the prophecy of that stone... if it really is true, then, maybe... my burden will be lifted — not from repenting, but from the fact that there will be absolutely nothing left... no guilt to be guilty for.
...Jesus, fuck.
This entire recording has been so morbid. I thought talking into this thing would relieve some of the guilt, but it's only made it worse. Why does it have to be this way...?! Absolutely nothing has ever made me feel alive, and nothing's ever going to change! I don't deserve any of the blessings given to me...
There are genuinely good-hearted people out there in the world; why are they the ones who need to suffer for the benefit of those in power?! My past will never escape me... they will regard me as a legend, but those who know the truth are the ones that matter to me the most...
I'm a fraud.
Nothing but a lying, piece of shit fraud.
Everything that's going to happen in the coming decades is all my fault. I'm not just going to bring myself down, but everyone and everything I hold dear with me...
I deserve an eternity in the darkest recesses of hell.
Do not absolve me of my sins.
I don't deserve your mercy.
Please, I pray to the ever-loving, forgiving God...
Don't forgive me.