Note: I didn't write this, credits to the writer
Summary: People say that time heals all wounds. In your case, time made it worst. You've been married to Chris for five years, but his absence spoke louder than his words. After 5 years of trying, you've decided that you've had enough, and you left him. But Chris doesn't want to let you go; he doesn't want to give up on your marriage.
Would he be able to fix what you consider irretrievably broken?
Warning: Angst *a lot*
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It's healthy to admit you're not ok,
Jessie J
You hated the feeling of suspense that was habiting you. Your eyes were focused on Chris, analyzing his entire body expression.
It had only been a few seconds since you'd asked him if he still wanted children, but for you, it felt like an eternity.
"Well?" You repeated what Chris said
Chris opened his mouth. You thought that he was about to end your suffering, but he said nothing. You really hoped that the answer to your question would be something like 'of course, Y/N, of course, I want to have children with you, but apparently, you were wrong.
"Oh my God," you said in one breath, realizing he was not going to say what you wanted to hear.
Tears starting to fill your eyes, and you got out of the car, still under the shock. Chris followed you inside the house, still quiet.
You were living your worst nightmare, and the part you couldn't bear was that your mother may have been right.
"Y/N, common, let's talk."
You suddenly turned back to face him; your face twisted with pain. "What do you want to talk about? I asked you a question, and your silence answered it for you."
"Y/N, I'm not saying I don't want children, common. I'm just saying we can have this discussion later."
You frowned. "Later? What does it even mean? We've been married for five years, Chris! When exactly is later?"
Your husband seemed shocked by your reaction. You, too, were shocked. You definitely didn't expect that turn of events.
"It's your mother talking now. Yesterday, the thought of having kids didn't even cross your mind. Now you're overreacting because what? I can't give you a date?"
That's where he was wrong. Your mother may have opened the topic today, but it was on your mind for a long time now. Your mother just hit where she knew it would hurt the most.
"I've thought about it. I've thought about it a lot Chris. I'm just surprised you haven't," You said
Chris looked at you without saying anything. His eyes were searching yours as if he was looking for answers to understand what was happening.
The silence between Chris and you got broken by a phone call. He gave you a sorry look before taking it.
You took a deep breath as soon as he left the room. You got yourself comfortable on the couch, gently petting Dodger after he rested his head on your lap.
You kept thinking about everything your mother said, and you started to question everything. Maybe she was right. Maybe you were really trying to ruin your life. Things were good before you brought the kids topic; maybe you should drop it.
You shook your head, trying to remove the idea from your head. You knew it was impossible.
You didn't want to fight. You just needed answers to your question. If it was anything else, you'd let it go, but it wasn't. You were talking about kids, and deep down, even if it hurt you to admit it, you knew that disagreeing on that topic could break your marriage for good.
You got distracted by Chris's voice. His voice was low, but it didn't take you long to understand what was going on. Chris confirmed your suspicions when you heard him say that he couldn't leave Boston. You knew it was about his website when you heard mentions to senators and Washington.
He came back soon after, a frustrated look on his face. Chris looked at you without saying anything. He passed a hand in his hair and closed his eyes.
He looked tired. You were too.
You kept petting Dodger, searching for the right words. You didn't want to hurt him, but not expressing your feelings would hurt the two of you more.
"You should go," you finally said.
Chris seemed lost. When he understood what you were saying, his eyes grew bigger. "Y/N, Common! You can't be serious."
You closed your eyes because looking at him would not make what you had to say easier. "We need to think about what we want, Chris. And for once, I really think a few days apart will make things easier."
Chris came closer to you. You could see the panic in his eyes, and it broke your heart. "You're being unfair, Y/N. You're punishing me for not agreeing with you."
"I'm not. I just don't know where this..." you said, pointing the two of you. "Us, I don't see us working without children, Chris..."
Chris's blue eyes stared at yours until you saw silent tears falling down. You turned your head, the hurt in his eyes too raw for you.
Chris finally stood up and started to walk away.
"You promised to stop throwing divorce in my face," Chris said, his voice raw.
"I'm not..."
He chuckled. "You are. It's either your way or no way. I don't get to do my job, I don't get to be uncomfortable talking to a stranger about our problems, I don't get to be unsure about the future"
You frowned. That was not what you were doing. "Chris..."
"It's okay; I get it now. Maybe you're right, I should go to D.C. We should take time to think about what we really want, because right now... I don't know anymore."
Chris left the room, leaving you with Dodger and your thought. The allusion hurt you, but you started it. You told him to go to D.C., you asked for it.
You cuddled with your dog, trying to find the comfort you'd rather have received from your husband.
"I want you out of my house by the end of the week."
Your eyes grew bigger when you heard that. You raised your head to look at the couple next to you. They had been arguing since they arrived a few minutes ago and everything about their 'conversation' made you uncomfortable.
The woman looked like she was in her late forties. She was dressed in an impeccable grey suit, and everything about her screamed power. The man she was talking to looked familiar, but you didn't dare to stare at him to find out why. Chris didn't say too much about how he found Alicia. But by seeing this couple next to you, something told you that Alicia must be known for handling delicate situations that involved people who'd rather keep their business private.
"I'll leave when you give up the Hamptons' house," The man said dryly.
She laughed. "You know I'll never do that, darling."
"Then I won't give you Boston, darling."
You were uncomfortable. The couple was obviously fighting, and you felt like prying, seating there. If it wasn't for what you already heard, you would have never guessed that they were a couple. They looked so... distant, and the way they were looking at each other... not only couldn't detect any love, but you also saw what resembled hatred, pure, raw hatred. The kind of hatred you would feel for someone who put you through hell.
"Mrs. Evans, she's ready for you."
You jumped out of your seat, with a grateful smile for the receptionist who just saved you.
"Y/N, how are you today?"
You didn't understand how your therapist could seem so peaceful. You only spent a few minutes with that couple outside, and you were already perturbated. How wasn't she running away when she knew that she had to see them next?
You sat in your usual chair. It felt strange to be there without Chris. You felt too exposed, too seen. With Chris around, it was about the two of you, about your marriage. You felt like being in Alicia's office without him, it gave her time to analyze you as an individual, and you didn't like that.
"How can I help you today?"
"I wanted to apologize for last time. I acted impulsively when I left the session like that."
"Was it because of something Chris said?" She asked
"Oh no, I already explained it to him. It had nothing to do with him... well, actually, it had. It was about the whole press situation. I knew who did that, and I had to fix it."
Alicia nodded, her smile still in place. "I'm happy that you were able to fix it and that you shared your feelings with Chris."
You smiled and sat there awkwardly. It was that weird moment when you didn't have anything more to add but couldn't manage to find the right formula to leave. The meeting felt too short, but again, you were there to apologize.
You didn't want to talk about what happened yesterday without Chris. It seemed unfair, and honestly, you weren't ready to have that discussion with Alicia.
Now you were starting to wonder if it was a good idea to come to your therapist's office. You knew a phone call would have done it; you didn't need to go to her office to apologize.
You definitely regretted your decision when Alicia retrieved her journal from a drawer. You hated that journal so much; it wouldn't be wise to leave you alone with it.
You felt compelled to say something. Anything but silence would do. You hated the feeling of being observed, assessed without being able to defend yourself.
"I found it," you started. "My thing, I found it."
When you didn't add anything more, Alicia raised her head from the journal. "Do you want to tell me more?"
You adjusted yourself in your chair. "Well... I was a dancer when I was younger. I don't really dance anymore, but I thought I could help kids and teach ballet. I did it recently with a friend, and I really enjoyed the experience... so... what do you think?"
Alicia nodded, a smile on her face. "I'm thrilled that you're working on your happiness, Y/N."
You gave Alicia a small smile. You felt relieved that she didn't discourage you. After the whole thing with your mother, you couldn't help but doubt that decision. Your mother obviously didn't think you were capable of teaching ballet, so having other people believe in you was always a breath of fresh air.
You thanked Alicia and stood up, ready to leave. However, once at the door, you stopped.
You thought about it again; you could have apologized on the phone. But you didn't. You came all that way to see your therapist, and you realized it wasn't just for an apology.
"Why?" you asked, turning back to look at Alicia.
Your therapist looked at you, not sure what you were asking.
"We came, Chris and I, we came here to fix our marriage. But you asked me to find my thing. Why?"
Alicia smiled and removed her glasses. "During our first session, I wrote down something you said."
You frowned as Alicia started turning pages in her journal. She did write things about you in it, after all.
"You said that you were lonely. You blame Chris for being away, and I agreed, he left you alone, but you used the word lonely."
You unconsciously walked your way to the chair, needing to hear what Alicia had to say "We're past that now. Chris agreed to spend more time in Massachusetts."
Alicia nodded. "And that's a good thing. But Y/N, Chris may be responsible for leaving you alone, but you cannot blame him for your loneliness."
You remained still, not sure what to say. You opened your mouth, ready to argue. But then, it hit you. You realized what Alicia was trying to tell you and why she asked you to focus on yourself.
"Your husband is not supposed to fill the void of loneliness. That's not the purpose of a relationship, a healthy one at least," Alicia said, always so gently.
"Chris had something that fulfills him, something that brought him happiness. You didn't. The loneliness you felt wasn't Chris's fault, and you may have felt it for years without realizing it. Being around Chris perhaps made you realize that you lacked something."
You could feel your vision starting to get blurred by the tears. What Alicia just said felt harsh, but it was the truth.
Unlike your mother, she wasn't trying to dimmish you or make you feel less than. She wasn't saying that Chris was better than you or that he deserved better.
You thought all these things. Alicia, making you understand that all this time you were missing something made you realize that you blamed your husband for something he had that you didn't. Happiness.
"Your husband is your partner, Y/N. A partner supports your journey to happiness. They're not supposed to be the source of that happiness. They love you, and yes, that love can bring happiness too, but you need to be happy as a person to find happiness as a couple."
You closed your eyes, taking in everything Alicia was saying. She was right. You were lonely way before you met Chris. After the injury, you lost everything. Your relationship with your mom wasn't the best, but it got worst. You lost your purpose, and you lost your friends. You tried to start over, but it was never the same.
Meeting Chris was like a breath of fresh air, and you always wondered why he chose you, what he saw in you.
"It was all my fault," you whispered, your voice breaking mid-sentence.
Alicia shook her head, an understanding smile on her face. "We don't do blame around here, remember? You were brave enough to seek change when you realized things were not okay. It takes courage, Y/N. You and Chris wanted things to be better, and I think you're on the right path."
Again, she was right. When you left Alicia's office a few minutes later, you felt better and somehow worse than when you first arrived.
You felt better because you two had an eye-opening conversation. But you also felt a lot of remorse. You had been unfair not only to Chris but to yourself for so many years. You accommodated Chris's needs, making them more important than yours for years. But instead of bringing you the joy, you thought it would, ignoring your needs made you resent your husband's choices.
Chris wasn't all innocent, but you couldn't ignore the bigger picture now. You thought that being married to Chris will be enough to fill the void in your life, and you blamed him when you realized that it was a lie.
You started to panic when you thought about your last conversation with your husband. He was right, you were upset because of what your mother said, but instead of admitting it, you made things worse.
Your mother said you were running away from responsibility; she was half right. It wasn't responsibility you were running from; it was pain.
Chris asked you so many times if you were okay, and you said no. He begged you to open up to him, and you didn't. Instead, you pushed him away.
You tried to run away from the pain your mother inflicted you by talking about children. You tried to deal with the pain by avoiding it and filling the void it caused with something new, kids.
Now, you realized how stupid your argument with Chris was. How unfair and absurd it was for you to shut him out when he only wanted to help.
When you opened your front door, the tears were now falling at an alarming speed. He was gone. You leaned against the door, taking the quiet, the pain, the loneliness. But instead of running away from it, for the first time in your life, you embraced it.
You started to sob, your whole body hurting. For the first time, you understood what it must have felt like for Chris to come home to an empty house.
You claimed that you knew the feeling, but you didn't. No matter how long Chris used to be away, you knew he would eventually come home. Right now, for the first time, you doubted that.
You spent the whole afternoon sobbing, Dodger by your side. You had time to think about everything. The way you handled your marriage and its challenges, your conversations with Alicia, your relationship with your mother. It was like putting together all the pieces of a puzzle you couldn't figure out until now.
You knew what you had to do, and you had to do it now. You picked up your phone, ready to finally fix things for good.
"Josh, I need you to put me in the next plane for D.C," you said to Chris's assistant as soon as he picked up.