"Okay, hold up," Blake says, sitting on my bed. "So Russell actually admitted to liking me?"
"Yeah, but you still have a ways to go before he does something about it."
Blake observes me. That's the only way to put it, unless I want to say that he studies me like a dissected frog on the science table. Which is not something I want to say. He nods and goes to my kitchenette. "Do you have mangos?" he asks, rummaging through it. "Aha! I found one. Now, for the peanut butter..."
I want to gag. Who eats mangos with peanut butter? Then, I remember Step Two. Yikes. I also remember that Blake read the book, so he knows about that horrendous food combo.
"Blake, are you out of your mind?"
He hisses at me and takes a bite of the poison. "I've already tried this, you know. It was a few days ago, maybe less than a week? I think it was Tuesday."
Yeah, Blake, that's great. He had the mango-peanut butter thing, and the next day he was insanely sick. Coincidence? I think not.
"Give me a bite." No, I don't want to eat it. No, I don't want to be sick. Yes, I do want to miss school.
"No can do," he says. "It's a delicacy. You'll have to pay."
"You took the ingredients from my kitchenette!"
He shrugs and finishes it off. I can practically hear his white blood cells dying.
"So, are you going to Amanda's party?" Blake asks, changing the subject. Amanda is the oldest one in our FROG group, so it makes sense that if there would be a party, she'd host it. Still—that kind of thing is something I'd expect to hear from Amanda, not from Blake.
"Amanda's party? Since when has that been a thing?" I say, moving closer to him. Maybe I'll catch some of his sickness and won't have to go to school.
Blake wrinkles his nose, trying to remember. I think it's kind of cute. If I didn't like Jason, and if Blake didn't like Russell, I would elope with Blake to Las Vegas. I think I've mentioned that before. "Yesterday, I think around noon. She texted the FROG chat."
I shrug. "Nah, I didn't see it. I rarely check the chat, because you and Zoe spam it so much. Pictures and sentences that are sent one message at a time are a little bothersome."
"Well, you're missing out on some quality memes, bro. Your loss."
No, I don't think so, Blake. But okay, whatever helps you sleep at night. "Anyway, what's this about a party?"
"Oh, yeah! We're getting together at Amanda's house this Saturday. At, like, four in the afternoon, because her parents are leaving at three, and she needs an hour to set up. It's gonna be just us—we?"
"I don't know, either."
Blake sticks his tongue out at me. "So, what's today's step?"
It occurs to me that I actually haven't read it today. I don't know; maybe, I just wasn't expecting to need it. Although, I didn't think I'd need it yesterday, either. And I kind of did. But not really. I used the step on someone else, but whatever.
"Step Sixteen," Blake begins. "Don't argue with him. While this might seem like a no-brainer, it can actually be very hard sometimes!"
He pauses, raising an eyebrow at me. "I don't remember this one."
I wave my hand at him, gesturing for him to continue. He shrugs.
"If you have opposing views, talk about them maturely or avoid the subject. DO NOT get angry at him, and DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, let him get angry at you."
Well, it's not like I'm going to be talking to him today, anyway. He's doing his thing, and I'm doing my thing. Not that I have a thing. But—yeah. "Shouldn't be that hard today."
But alas, Blake already has his phone out. "Hey Siri," he says. "Call Felix's Boyfriend."
Is Jason really on his phone as "Felix's Boyfriend"? Wow, the dedication, I think. What if Jason loses his phone and we can only use Blake's phone to find it? What then?
My world would end.
"Hello?"
Blake wiggles his eyebrows at me when Jason picks up the phone. "Hi, Jason. I have a question."
"Yeah?" Oh, no.
I beg with my eyes, pleading with Blake for mercy. But it is all to no avail. "Do you have any really unpopular opinions or ways of life? Felix, here, is in need of an argument and you seemed like the perfect guy... to call."
My death glare makes Blake pretend to die.
"F-Felix?" Did he stutter? Dang, that's the second time that the mere mention of me has made him stutter. Maybe he's afraid I'll destroy him in this uncalled-for argument. "Uh, I pour milk in before cereal."
"Oh! I put milk in first, too," I lie. Blake gives me a look that says he doesn't believe me. Which makes sense, considering the fact that he watched me eat breakfast and saw the cereal go in the bowl first.
"Really?" Jason asks. "Oh, uh... I put jelly before peanut butter."
"J-Jelly? Before p-peanut but-ter?" I echo, nearly screeching. Blake is shaking with laughter, his face turned away from me. Oh, dear Lord, how could this happen to me? I've made my mistakes; I've got nowhere to run. The night goes on as I'm fading away...
I shake my head to clear it. That song has been stuck in my head ever since I first listened to it, in 2009. I should sing it in the talent show, to be honest. Maybe that would get rid of it. If I'm publicly humiliated, then my brain won't force me to relive it. Either that, or I'll have PTSD forever, but it's alright. Well, no. But—
"Like, when I'm making a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich, I put the jelly on first," Jason is saying.
I gasp. "That's a crime! Doesn't the jelly smear in an ugly way? How could you eat that?" There's silence from Jason's end of the call, and I remember that Blake is listening through speakerphone. He dramatically gestures at How to Get A Boyfriend 101.
Scrap minus the S.
"Uh—"
"Wait, I'm sorry," I rudely interrupt Jason. Jeez, Felix, how much can you ruin things? "I shouldn't, er, yuck your yum. It all ends up as a jumbled mess in your stomach, right? It shouldn't matter what order you put them in."
"Felix, I—"
"Furthermore," I say, "uh, we're all entitled to our own opinions."
Blake clears his throat, coming closer to his phone's microphone. "Ahem. Felix, didn't you want to argue, though?"
"It's really fin—"
"Actually, Blake, you wanted to argue with me. I think we should leave Jason out of this."
"Guys—"
"Well, Felix, I think that's quite considerate of you," Blake spits back at me. "I was just trying to help you get rid of your need to fight someone."
I nearly snarl at him. "Thank you so much. This argument with you just butters my croissant."
"Guys!" Jason yells into his phone, startling both of us. "I was literally kidding about the peanut butter sandwich."
"Is that Blake and Felix?" Russell's voice asks, entering the conversation. I internally sigh, because if I show Blake that I'm not over my sighing problem he'll call a mental institution. "Tell them I say hi," he says, before fading back out.
"Russell says, 'Hi.'"
"We could tell," Blake retorts. "Tell him I say hi."
"I also say hi!" I add.
Jason audibly exhales before hanging up.
"See? That wasn't so bad, was it?" Blake asks in a sickly sweet voice, putting an arm around my shoulders. I shrug him off, glaring.
Someday, Blake Turner, I will get you back.
Not today, though.
Today, I finish my math packet.