♡
I had hardly slept throughout the night, constantly tossing and turning in a bed that wasn't my own, or Harry's. Being away from home had never been a worry of mine and yet this feeling of unfamiliarity tonight was unsettling, perhaps I hadn't quite realised how much I needed the company of the boy who was at the forefront of my mind and not beside me.
My phone read 8:30 and since there was no imminent feeling of drowsiness overcoming me, I decided to get up and see if Talia was an early riser. Pulling back the duvet of her spare bed, I tidied the room and drew back the curtains, sunshine hitting my tired face. Her apartment was nice and the decor embodied Talia to a tee, but the location was slightly out from where I would consider ideal.
Making my way to the kitchen, I shoved my glasses on and searched for signs of life. Seeing nobody, I envied the fact that Talia was probably still sound asleep and flicked the kettle on. It felt strange hearing nothing but the boiling of the kettle, I was so accustomed to living with the boys now that I had accepted that there would never be peace, but I actually missed it.
Harry hadn't texted or called since I'd been away and part of me was upset by this, but the other part of me understood. Throughout my restlessness, I replayed the events of yesterday and I realised that I probably came across too strong. I should know by now that Harry isn't like most when it came to the more serious aspects of life; conflict, feelings, women. My approach could have been more understanding, but I was just acting on impulse. A defence mechanism, if you will.
The kettle snapped me out of my thoughts and I poured the boiling water into the mug waiting on the countertop. Stirring the teabag, I heard a door opening behind me, "Morning,"
I turned and smiled at Talia, who still looked half-asleep, "Hey, sleep well?"
She nodded and grabbed a mug from the cupboard to join me, "Yeah, not bad. I think Freya is coming in like thirty minutes."
It would be nice to see Freya, we had talked a lot over text but she was often busy with streaming and doing something or other with Josh when his schedule allowed. I admired their relationship, they worked like clockwork and yet it didn't seem mundane, they were still as much in love as they had been over a decade ago when they first got together; I wanted that.
We sat on the sofa and sipped our tea, mainly scrolling through our phones but having a quick chat every so often, nothing of substance. A knock at the door tore us away from our screens, Talia indicating that that would be Freya. We decided to have breakfast together and I was grateful that she was arriving now, my stomach was growling at this point.
Freya walked through the apartment, giving me a smile and coming over for a hug, "Ooh, it's been ages," She said, holding me tight, I gratefully accepted.
Talia decided to make pancakes and Freya put the coffee machine on, I sat at the breakfast bar and offered to help but they declined each time. I loved that they considered me a friend, not just someone that lives with Cal and Harry. Sometimes I do still feel like a bit of an outsider, considering that I only know everyone by association, but they've made it clear to me that that's not the case, that I'm now one of the group.
We sat around and I thanked Talia, taking a pancake from the stack she had made, it smelled incredible. Freya sipped her coffee before setting it down and asking to be filled in on what happened yesterday.
"I don't think you're in the wrong," Freya shook her head, "She had no reason to be there, Harry should have made her leave."
I shrugged, "I know, but I'm not his girlfriend so I guess he can do what he wants."
"Oh please, you guys are practically married at this point," Talia scoffed, taking a bite of her pancake.
"I don't know that we are, though." I set my cutlery down, "I mean, what if he's just comfortable with how we are? It's less pressure that way. He's never hinted towards labelling us, we just sort of exist around each other."
The girls looked between themselves before back at me, unsure of what to say.
"What I'm trying to say is," I sighed, "I think I like him a lot more than I realised,"
I suddenly felt weighed down by the idea that my feelings for Harry were a lot stronger than his were for me. Maybe I had been reading this all wrong and because this was so new to me, it felt so real. Perhaps this is just how friends with benefits works.
"Elle, snap out of it," Talia said, clicking her fingers to bring me back to reality, "I see you spiralling, stop it."
Freya nodded, "Harry likes you, believe me, we all know that. He's just bad at communicating how he feels."
I thanked the girls for their advice and hoped that what they were saying was true. We finished breakfast and I insisted on washing up, they reluctantly agreed and went to sit in the living room.
Hugging them goodbye after a short while, I decided that I should probably face the music sooner rather than later to avoid making the situation worse. I thanked Talia for letting me stay and we arranged for a girls brunch later on in the week. Booking my Uber, I made my way to the lift.
The entire journey home it felt like my stomach was doing somersaults, the Uber feeling like it was only driving at five miles an hour. Finally arriving at our apartment building, I thanked the driver and stepped out. I took a moment to stand there before plucking up the courage to head inside.
Unlocking the door, I stepped inside the apartment, feeling a slight wave of relief at the comfort of being home. Scanning the room, Harry or Cal were nowhere to be seen. Suddenly a shout from Harry's room made me jump and I almost laughed at the familiarity slowly returning. He was streaming, so I decided to get showered and hoped that he'd be wrapped up by the time I finished.
I stood outside of Harry's room for a moment, heart pounding. Exhaling quietly, I gently tapped on the door, waiting for his response.
"Come in,"
My stomach fluttered at his voice, reaching for the door handle, I opened it slowly. Harry was sat up against the headboard, phone in hand. His expression softened as he realised it was me.
"Hey," I said quietly, suddenly feeling like a stranger in the room.
"Hey," He smiled softly, "Come here,"
I came over to the bed and sat down beside him, his arms wrapping around me which took me by surprise. He sighed and rested his chin on top of my head, "I'm sorry,"
Relaxing at his words, I could feel the stinging of tears in my eyes, for what reason, I was unsure. Sniffling and trying to blink back tears before he realised, he pulled back, looking at me.
"Hey," Harry cooed, hand coming to cup my face, thumb wiping away the tears, "Why are you crying?"
I closed my eyes tightly, before looking back at him through my wet lashes, "I don't know, I missed you,"
He smiled, leaning in to kiss my forehead, "I missed you."
Bringing me back into his embrace as we laid down, I sighed and wrapped an arm around him, taking in the comfortable silence. We still needed to talk, but for now, I was just enjoying the feeling of familiarity.
I must have drifted off to sleep because a noise stirred me, my eyes slowly opening to Harry's phone scrolling in front of me, Twitter app open. I glanced up at him from my position on his chest, "Sorry... I didn't sleep last night."
He locked his phone and ran his fingers up and down my back soothingly, "It's okay, I like us like this."
I wanted to stay in this moment forever, but unfortunately, there was still an Elephant in the room. Sitting up slowly and sitting cross-legged on the bed to face him, I ran my hand through my hair, "I think we need to talk,"
Harry sat up at those words, a mixture of confusion and worry playing on his expression. I twiddled my thumbs awkwardly, not knowing where to start.
"I think I'm confused," I started, Harry listening intently, "This is all new to me, you know, relationships and whatnot,"
My stomach was doing somersaults, the fear of saying the wrong thing or the idea that maybe I'd gotten this all wrong consuming me.
"So, I think maybe I got the wrong end of the stick here. I was hurt by how you introduced me to Mia yesterday and it got me thinking. You seem very comfortable with us as we are right now, but seeing you with your ex made me realise that maybe you hadn't really had the time to move on properly."
"Elle, what are you talking about?" He asked, brows furrowed in confusion.
"I really like you, Harry. I do. But I think I was so caught up in my own experiences that I never considered that you might not be feeling the same, you know," I shrugged, "You didn't seem in any rush to let Mia leave yesterday and I thought about it, maybe you aren't as over her as you thought, that I'm just a comfortable filler."
He sighed, running a hand through his hair, "You're overthinking it, way too much,"
I chewed my bottom lip, "I think I need more than that,"
Harry looked at me briefly, before reaching for my hand to hold. I glanced up at him and he smiled sympathetically.
"I'm not good with expressing how I feel," He started, "But I promise you that Mia is completely out of the picture for me."
I relaxed slightly at his words, "I really like you, Elle, and I don't wanna mess this up. I know that this is all new for you which is why I'm not rushing things. We were in such a good place before yesterday and it hurts me to know that it only took her showing up to make you so unsure of us,"
I could feel the tears brimming again, nobody had ever been so honest or thoughtful. My trust issues nearly broke us and I hated myself for that. It just goes to show how much overthinking can negatively impact relationships.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled, wiping a tear away, "I didn't mean to ruin things, I'm just so-"
"You haven't ruined anything, babe." He cut me off, "Let's just move on from this, yeah?"
I nodded, crawling over to wrap my arms around him tightly, "Thank you,"