Honestly, I don't know why it doesn't hurt. I mean everything says it should hurt, but I feel numb, no- not numb, perhaps melancholic, but not sad. I always knew this day would come, but I thought when it did it would be a terribly painful experience, but sitting alone in the park, I feel nothing. We dated for years, and she broke up with me give-or-take an hour ago and I'm still just sitting here. I have yet to shed a tear over her. We had been through so much together, being on the brink of failing classes, losing friends, homophobic remarks, but here I am sitting on a see saw, empty of emotions.
It's possible that the sadness has not hit me yet. Maybe tonight I will be sobbing into my pillow hoping that my parents won't hear me. Perchance I'll go to school tomorrow, and I'll try to avoid her. When Ms. Ahn does attendance in French class and calls out "Lee Sebin" and no one answers because she always skips our second period class claiming, "I don't need to know a foreign language if I don't leave the city", I will feel a dagger stabbing into my stomach. When I hear her friends whispering and laughing at my indignant expression and the tears silently cascading down my face when I cannot stand al of the memories I feel the dagger twist, feeling pain that I would wish on nobody. But still, I feel nothing.
I stand up and try to block out my inner thoughts by putting in my headphones and start my trek home. As I get farther away from the park, I look back at the see-saw, and think about the up and down motions. We were never happy at the same time. If Sebin was at her high, I was in my low. Just like a see saw.
Perhaps I'm too pathetic to feel emotion. What if I am a sociopath or something? I pull out my phone and look at the time 4:54PM it reads, so I know I should be hurrying so I can finish some homework before supper, but nonetheless I walk slowly, taking in the cloudy skies, knowing that it will soon start raining. Sebin hated the rain, but I love it. I hope it starts raining before I arrive home.
Just then I feel my phone buzz in my pocket, and I see a text from my best friend, Chaewon. 'Hey Hyejoo, do you want to come over tonight? My parents said you can, and school is cancelled tomorrow because the water pipes burst' I smile and instantly send a confirmation that I'd love to, I'll just have to ask my parents when I get home. I start subconsciously walking faster, with a slight bounce in each step I take towards my house. Just as I start down my street, a few precipitations fall into my hair. Before I know it, the few drops had turned into heavy rain, and when I'm struggling with my keys at my front door, I am already soaked, but I don't mind. Oddly enough, I like it.
I get the door open, and I am greeted by my dad making supper, rice and chicken breast, in a mushroom sauce, my favorite. "How was your time with Sebin?"
"It was good," I lied through my teeth, but he wouldn't have to know yet. "School got cancelled tomorrow cause water pipes burst or something, could I go to Chaewon's for night?" I asked him
"Yeah, the school emailed about the cancellation, but you'll have to call your mom and ask her" my dad said while adding some spices to the chicken.
"Thanks, I'll ask her" I said while I thought to myself that its strange that he didn't even ask me if there is anything wrong. He always knows when I am hurting, but today he seems to not see anything wrong. I might just be fine, for now.
Part of me hopes that tonight I break down to Chaewon, just so I can feel something. I'm not usually numb, she is always good at making me feel better, but right now nothing feels wrong. I hate that I feel this way, it doesn't make sense.
Deciding that I need to stop thinking about Sebin, I click my mom's contact on my cellphone, hearing the stifled ringing for a few seconds, before she picks up "Hello Hyejoo, what's up?"
"Could I go to Chaewon's for night? There is a problem with water leaking in the school; so, its cancelled tomorrow" I ask awaiting her response.
"Go ahead, as long as dad and Chaewon's parents are allowing it." she said in what seemed to be a happy tone. Even though she has a stressful job, she always makes time for me and my dad, never making us feel like a burden, and always being loving.
"Thank you!" I exclaim.
"Tell Chaewon's parents that I say hello please."
"For sure, talk to you later mom, I love you." I say before I end the call to stuff a few things in my backpack.
I run back downstairs as I hear my dad's voice yelling "Supper is ready" and make my plate. He does the same and we sit at the table to eat.
"How is Sebin doing?" my dad asks me. For a second, I must have had a puzzled expression since he continued, "Is everything alright Hyejoo?"
"Yeah, well I'm fine, but," I paused, contemplating whether I should tell him or nit, but I have always been incredibly open with him. "She broke up with me when we were out today, but I really am fine, I was expecting it."
"Are you sure you're fine? I remember the first time I got broken up with, I was distraught for weeks" he seemed to be very sincere, which isn't unexpected, but he had never opened up about his dating history before my mom.
"Yeah, I really am fine, I knew it was going to happen soon enough, it just happened to be today." I stated honestly, while quicky eating the last piece of seasoned chicken from my plate.
"I'll take care of supper, you go to Chaewon's house now, have fun" my dad says while he grabs both of our plates and brings them to the kitchen sink.
"Thank you, dad, I love you" I say while I dart up the stairs to grab my bag, before I hug him and rush out of the back door to hop onto my bike, but not before I untangle my earbuds and press play on my music.
I bike off our property while the start of 'Girls Like Us' by Twice flowed through the wires of my headphones. I continue down the streets, barely paying attention to where I'm going, my mind going on auto pilot to avoid the small puddles from the short rain. I've been down this route so many times to get to Chaewon's house. I know all the short cuts, where the roads get bumpy, and the places where kids are always playing outside on the front lawn.
By the time I arrived at Chaewon's house and brought my wrist up to knock on the door, the same knock that we made when we were in elementary school, for our pillow forts so our parents couldn't break into our masterpieces, she opened the door before I even got the chance. She pulled me into a tight hug and squealed "Hyejoo! I missed you"
"Whoa, Whoa, you saw me a few hours ago at school" I said as I brought myself out of the hug, not really being one for physical affection.
"Well yeah, but our last class together is fourth period." I looked at her, with an amused expression clad on my face without shame. "Okay, I didn't actually miss you that much, I may have been exaggerating." she said playfully.
"w-what, why would you lie to me?" I brought my hand to my chest and pretended to be hurt.
Chaewon hit me on the shoulder lightly and lowly said "dummy". We have always joked around with each other like this. Both of us being enrolled in theatre classes when we were mere toddlers has brought us to be an overly dramatic duo. Our teachers may not appreciate it when we have classes together, but it is a way to amuse ourselves. "Have you had supper?" she asked, to which I nodded my head.
We went to her room in the basement, and I threw myself in her desk chair. Her room was never fully clean, usually tidy, but it felt like a living space, not a showroom. I find when someone has a bit of clutter of a pile of clothes on the floor to make me feel more comforable.it reminds me that they are a real person, just like myself.
Sometimes when one of us is at a low point in our life and we can't find the energy to clean our rooms, the other will come over and help clean. Many people wouldn't do this, since it is showing a very venerable part of yourself, letting them see how messy your space has become, in your depressed state, but that may say how much Chaewon and I trust each other.
"How was Sebin" Chaewon asked, trailing out the last syllable.
"Well, she uh," I paused, not wanting Chaewon to be sad that Sebin and I broke up, even though she was never a huge fan of Sebin. "She broke up with me" I said, still bare of any emotions, actually, I don't feel numb, I just don't feel sad.
"What?" she almost yelled, her eyes seeming to have become twenty times larger. "Sebin broke up with you?" I could tell in her expressions that I had grown to know all too well, that she was surprised in the moment, but after a few seconds, she realized how much both of us expected it. I picked at my fingernails to avoid eye contact, not wanting her to see how unaffected I am, but then I broke, and spilled all of my worries to her.
"Yeah, just today after school. But I don't know why I'm not sad. We knew each other so well; we did everything together. I should be distressed right now, I should be weeping, I should be angry at her, for breaking up with me, beating myself up for not being good enough."
"Hyejoo," she paused, seemingly collecting her thoughts. "You might have not fully processed it yet. Let's go for a walk, and we don't have to talk about Sebin, but we can if you want, it's up to you."
I stare at her for a second, reminding myself of how thankful I should be to have Chaewon as a friend. She is so caring, never harsh, and always wants what's best for me. I could honestly never wish for a different person to spend time with. I may not have white privilege, but at least I have the privilege of having Chaewon.
"Yeah, that's a good idea. Let's go to the coffee shop" I suggest, knowing that Chaewon loves her coffee.
"As long as you're paying" Chaewon says with a playful smirk.
"Only for you darling." I say in a British accent.
"Why thank you miss." Chaewon replies in her worst British accent.
We head out of her room, and leave her house, travelling south to the café which we are frequent fliers at. We walk in comfortable silence, another thing I am grateful for. When Chaewon and I are together, we don't feel the need to talk nonstop. We can just enjoy each other's company.
When the café comes into view, we walk faster, anticipating the caffeine and sugar that will soon be coursing through our veins. We walk through the front door, and the barista who recognizes us asks what we would like, leaving us to order our drinks. I get a large iced coffee with one sugar, in comparison to Chaewon's order of an iced coffee with two creams and a whopping three sugars. I used to judge her for how sweet and unlike coffee she wants her coffee to be, but I eventually gave up and let her drink her sugar-milk in peace.
Sometimes I find it hard to believe that we have been friends for so long without ever getting into huge fights, sure we have the odd argument, but we always resolve it. I can't say the same about Sebin though, we would get into arguments very often.
"You seem offput, what's wrong Hyejoo?" Chaewon asks, staring into my soul.
"I guess I'm just wondering why I'm not sad about Sebin, and I know I've said that already, but I just can't get it out of my head. I feel guilty because what if I never loved her?" I ranted while refusing to make eye contact, instead staring at m coffee and playing with the straw.
Chaewon paused for a moment, "well think about it, do you love her," I looked up into her soulful eyes, pulling me toward her like a sailor to a siren. "Or did you love her?" I broke out of my trance and thought about the words but didn't say anything.
After a quiet twenty minutes in the coffee shop, we got up to return to Chaewon's house. The rain had started again, dampening our hair and clothes. I can't escape from Chaewon's words. I feel bad that there is a possibility that I didn't love her toward the ed of our relationship, but what can I do about it? My mother always told me to find the right person to spend my life with, and to not settle for a mediocre significant other, but I always thought that Sebin was my perfect match, and I guess when I was possibly falling out of love with her, I didn't notice. People say love makes you blind, but they never mention that old love will blind you from seeing that your love has died.
Without thinking, I grab Chaewon's hand, and start running. "Hyejoo! Where are you taking me?" she shouted out, the rain heavier than ever. I pulled her to the side of the road and into a small park.
"Chaewon, I think- I," I stuttered, not having the strength to say anything above a whisper. Its too loud outside, the rain splashing down onto the streets, thunder becoming evident, and the foggy twilight sky not being able to hide the bolts of lighting in the distance, illuminating Chaewon's face. Showing off all of her perfect features, her round eyes full of confusion, rain dripping off of her button nose, and her usually puffy hair sticking to her face and neck.
In a flash I wondered, what am I doing? What am I thinking? That's when I realized that my previous actions are because of a realization I had. It made me ponder, why did I accept it so fast, but I guess that just means it must be real.
I think I love Chaewon.
No, I know I love Chaewon. Everything that we've done together, all of the times we would accidentally stare into each other's eyes for too long, and then look away awkwardly, silencing our emotions. The times she would lean against me, causing me get an odd feeling in my stomach, and I was blind to the realistic reason, so I chalked it all up to food poisoning. Every time. Her parents used to not want io cook for me, because I was getting 'food poisoning' at least once a month. I think Sebin was just another reason I couldn't see past my own stupidity and see that I love Chaewon.
All of these thoughts streamed around my head like a swarm of bees, which should make me confused, but t doesn't. I just makes the one picture in my head even more clear; I love Chaewon.
The storm was raging, but it doesn't matter. "Chaewon" I screamed at the top of my lungs "I love you!" tears started falling from my eyes, mixing with the rain seamlessly.
"No- no you don't" she said back, yelling just so she could be heard over the thunder and rain striking against the grass and pavement, "I'll just be a rebound"
"Chaewon please, I love you, I always have," I scream out, desperately holding her close to me. Chaewon just stared slightly up at me, our close proximity making it unavoidable. "Please, I whimpered out through tears, barely above a whisper. I have no idea if she heard it, or just read my lips, but she held me tighter.
I looked up at the world surrounding us for one moment, and in that one moment, Chaewon must have had a revelation of some sort. She grabbed the collar of my flannel, and pulled me down, planting our lips together. Years of suppressed feelings, pouring into this one kiss. When it ended, we stayed holding each noter for what may have been hours, staring into each other's eyes, tears cascading down our faces now evident.
This moment is not conventionally peaceful, being caught in a storm right after a breakup, but it is the best moment of my life so far. I may still be young, but I can tell when I will remember a moment for the rest of life, and right now is one of them.