He had to swallow and was uncomfortably shifting from one foot to the other as they put the blood on her. They said something to her that he couldn't understand which made her laugh, but he could hear from the sound of it that she didn't really find it that funny. Very likely she hadn't even been listening properly, but was gone somewhere far away in her mind, a place that helped her find whatever it feels like to die, to say goodbye to life and any hope for a better future.
„She's gonna be alright", he heard Matthew whisper next to him, who played her love interest Scooter.
Somewhat perplexed he turned to look at him. Without having to ask the question, Matthew shrugged with a smile. „I'm sorry, but I, uh... I walked past her dressing room the other day and... I didn't spy, I swear!! But, I happened to hear some things and... saw some things."
„Oh...", he blushed instantly and averted his gaze to the floor, „I see. Well then, there's probably no use in me trying to deny it?"
„Guess not. And why would you? Good for you, dude, Lana's amazing! You're lucky! She's such an incredible human being. And an incredible kisser, that much I know. And I do think you guys make a great couple, you fit really well together."
„Because I'm also a good kisser?", Jordane asked with a smirk, Matthew laughed.
Then their director yelled: „Alright, everybody ready? Lana? Allison? Let's do this, sending Rita straight to heaven, take one!"
Shortly before they called ‚Action!' she turned around once more to look at him, just for a split second. He smiled, letting her know that he was here, he was there for her and everything would be alright.
***
The cheers and applause that were going around the room seemed to be never ending. She herself looked overwhelmed with emotions after she had shot her final scene as Rita Castillo, and as far as acting was concerned, keeping a straight face while seeing her cry was very likely the toughest part he had ever had to play.
Eventually, slowly but surely, the crowd dispersed, most of the crew going back to work or cleaning the blood off the floor, there were still more scenes to be shot after all. A few of the cast stayed surrounding her, among them Matthew, BK, Virginia Williams who played Grace, one of Rita's friends from the garden club, as well as him, of course, and two of her dressers, waiting to help her out of her blood soaked clothes, one of them was wiping off the blood from her face.
Lana was fanning herself to dry her tears, sniffing: „Thank you, guys... You're all so sweet! I had such a great time getting to know all of you and working with you all."
Virginia, always cheerful and beaming smiles, on-camera as well as off-, looked around, then she couldn't keep it in anymore. „Oh, for God's sake, Jordane, your girl is shaking and in tears, please do something! No need for restraint anymore, let's all just stop pretending there's nothing going on here alright?"
Laughing, she pulled him towards her and almost pushed her into his arms before they even had a chance to realize what was going on here.
Instinctively though, he immediately pulled her closer with a sigh of relief, not giving a single damn about the fake blood that was all over her – and thus now also all over his – costume, and she seemed to instantly break down in his warm embrace, as if she had been barely holding it together and now finally allowed herself to let go.
He put his lips against her forehead, stroked her hair and her back and rocked her gently in his arms. „Shhh, baby... it's okay. You were amazing! Everything was perfect. You did so well. You made it. Don't cry, I'm here. I hold you. It's alright."
They barely heard the ‚Oooooh's and ‚Awwwww's coming from their colleagues at the sight of such cuteness.
„Finally", Virginia murmured.
Eventually Jordane looked up at them. „So... you all knew?"
Everyone nodded.
„For how long?", asked Lana.
Now everybody provided a different response, but all of them lay way north of a week.
„So I guess we really suck at sneaking around, huh?"
„Yeah", said Virginia, „That, and those little hearts popping up in your eyes whenever you look at each other."
„So can we see a kiss?", BK asked with glowing eyes.
All this was slowly becoming a bit much for Jordane. „Oh, come on, guys... no! Seriously?!"
Everybody was just nodding silently.
„We're not in kindergarten, you're aware of that, right?", asked Lana.
But when they just wouldn't let them go, they finally gave in. It felt good for her to finally feel his lips again after the day she'd had, even though this was certainly their most modest kiss to date, given the size of their audience.
***
Due to the COVID pandemic there would be no big wrap party at the end of their last day of filming. They'd have something in a few weeks from now when more of them would have had the chance to get vaccinated. So everyone's goodbye was just a little bit more lowkey than they'd have liked it to be, but that's the way it was.
After trying to briefly speak with everyone, she had kept him for last. He was still packing up his trailer when she knocked on his door. He barely managed to give her a smile when he opened the door for her. It was all weighing way too heavy on his heart, this job being over, it was all still too fresh. He wasn't ready yet to say goodbye to all this, this role, this cast & crew. And least of all to her. A part of him just wanted to close the door in front of her face again, as if that would make everything last forever and thus avoid the inevitable. That their time had come to an end.
Without a word she sat down on his couch and reached out her hand. „Come, sit with me. Please."
He did, taking her hand with both of his, looking her deep in the eyes. She looked sad as well, but more composed than him. She'd done this so many times before, wrapping a show. For him, it was still new.
He had to clear his throat before he could speak: „So... this is it, huh?"
„Yeah...", she smiled and gently squeezed his hands, „I'm afraid so. This day felt so far away and so unreal for so long, but now... in the end this is goodbye."
He nodded. „I, uh... I gotta be honest, I don't know what to say. This is all a bit much for me right now."
„I know. Then don't say anything, it's alright!", she reached out and lay her hand against his cheek, „I just want to let you know that... how thankful I am that I got to meet you, got to know you. The time we've spent together was truly magical and... even though all of this was very much unplanned and often very difficult to comprehend or even just accept, I wouldn't want to miss it for the world. You're a very special person, Jordane. You're truly amazing. And your future wife... the mother of your children will be extremely lucky to be with you. I hope you'll find someone who treats you right."
He licked his lips and had to take a few deep breaths to calm down his violently beating heart and swallow the tears he could feel starting to burn in his eyes. „You too, Lana. You...", he sighed, „honestly, you deserve the world. And I have absolutely no idea how come that you're not happily married to the best guy in the world, it makes me feel sick, like all men must be complete idiots to not see the queen that you are, inside and out... and in bed, of course", he tried to smile through the pain it was obviously causing him to say goodbye to her, „Our time together was short, but... I learned so much from you, and you made me a different, a better person, please know that."
She nodded, by now also visibly affected and touched, and had to close her eyes for a moment, bathing in the silence between them, and she was sure she could hear both their hearts beating in desperate disagreement of what their heads told them just had to be done. It was the best for the both of them to stop it right here. They hadn't discussed it openly, they'd both just wanted to wait and see, to cross that bridge once they got there, but they obviously both shared these same thoughts.
She tried to lighten up the mood. „So what now? What's next for you?"
„I don't know. Taking some time off, first. Then, there are some projects in the pipeline that I can't..."
„... can't talk about yet, I know."
„How about you?"
„Same, I guess. I'll probably release a dance song soon."
He laughed. „What?"
„I know, crazy, right? I'll let you know when it drops. Otherwise, I'm going to go to Hawaii for a few days at the beginning of May, just by myself. Disconnect from it all. Rediscover who I am after all of this."
„That sounds really good."
„Yeah... anyhow. I guess I'll see you at the cast party next month?"
„I'll be there."
They held each other's hands as if they never wanted to let go, then she braced herself for one last look into eyes, those eyes that she had drowned within so many times over the past few weeks.
„Do you think we can have one last kiss goodbye?", she whispered with a faint smile.
He nodded. „I think so... I hope so."
Ever so gently he put his arms around her and pulled her closer while she was framing his face with her hands and started caressing his lips with hers. Their last kiss wasn't steamy and passionate as their kisses usually were, they both knew they would never make it out of this trailer if they let themselves go, but soft and sweet. Simple and light, like the full-stop at the end of the final sentence on the last page of a book.
By the time they broke apart, both of them had lost the fight against their tears.
„Goodbye, baby", she whispered, gently wiping one of his off his cheek with her thumb.
He did not reply. He didn't need to. He just sat there right in front of her, unable to move, as if all life and energy had evaporated through the open window of his trailer into the warm evening air of LA.
She got up, grabbed her purse and walked over to the door. She did not turn around to look at him once more. She pulled out her sunglasses on her way to her car and put them on, even though it was already dark outside. She was shaking by now, and she felt broken, completely empty inside. She had felt so strange, but also so easy and light hugging and kissing him openly in front of her colleagues and friends, for the very first time. Now she just felt grave and heavy, as if she could barely lift her feet off the floor.
Every fiber of her body was urging her to turn around, run back to him, be with him and not let him go, but she knew that would be wrong. It wouldn't help either of them, and it would only delay the pain they were going through now to another day. It had to be done. It was for the best.
She repeated this to herself in her mind over and over again, reassuring herself of it, but that didn't make it hurt any less, and it didn't dry her tears, not even by the time she had reached her car, got in, started the engine and drove off the studio lot that had been her home for the past months for the very last time, leaving all those memories behind.