M i k h a
When someone has been a part of you, you would not realize how big a piece of you will be lost if ever things get complicated. Maybe that is why Aiah and I are still holding on despite the fact that everything's changing between us.
We have been so distant to each other these past few days. When I reach out, she's out of reach. When she tries to catch up, I'm already a step away. The last time we saw each other was when we went to our old elementary school. The last word we said to each other was tomorrow but that tomorrow become days I could not count anymore.
Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayari sa'ming dalawa, parang kahit ako ay nawawalan na rin ng gana. Walang nagtatangkang bumawi, walang nangtatangkang lumapit. Where did we go wrong?
Siguro kung nandoon kami sa dati, maiintindihan namin ang ilang araw na hindi pagkikita at pagpaparamdam. We always understand, pero kailangan pa rin ba ng pag-intindi ngayon gayong pareho naming alam na may mali?
These past few days, iniisip ko nang bumitaw. Pero sayang. Sayang 'yong 5 years, 'yong mga pangarap, 'yong memories. Nakakapagod din pala kasi kapag wala nang kasiguraduhan. Kung ako lang, gusto kong magpatuloy but her being unsure of me makes me uncertain about us too.
"Miks," Gwen's voice made me go back to my sanity. "You're in deep thinking, what's wrong?"
"Alam mo, ilang araw ka nang ganiyan. Nag-away ba kayo ni Aiah?" Tanong din ni Sheena. We were actually having lunch in the school's cafeteria. Nagkataong nagkasabay-sabay kami ng lunch break.
"Hindi sila nag-aaway, remember?" Stacey said which is somehow correct.
For the past 5 years, hindi kami nagkaroon ng sobrang laking away. Again, we always try to understand. Lahat ng bagay, gaano man kaliit ay pinag-uusapan naming dalawa. Inaayos kaagad namin bago pa lumala ang lamat and that's what made our relationship stronger, I guess?
"Ay, sorry ha? Nakakahiya sa'min na may toxic relationship," sabi ni Sheena.
"Bawasan mo kasi selos mo, 'day." Pang-aasar ni Stacey kay Sheena.
"Hey, si Mikha ang topic kaya huwag niyong ibahin." Saway ni Gwen sa dalawa.
Bumuntong hininga ako bago magsalita, "Ilang araw na kasi kaming hindi nag-uusap ni Aiah."
"Oh, that happened quite a few times pero never ka namang na-down ng ganiyan." Stacey commented.
"We had a talk last week," panimula ko. "She thought she's falling out of love pero hindi raw siya sure eh. Hindi naman niya gustong makipaghiwalay daw. We both agreed to both fix this kasi baka naguguluhan lang rin siya. We went to our elementary school a few days ago and tingin ko naman nag-enjoy kami pareho pero 'yon nga, after that ay hindi kami nag-usap up until now."
Kita ko ang bakas ng pagtataka sa mukha ng mga kaibigan ko. Well, they've seen how Aiah and I grew in this relationship and they witnessed every details of our love. Hindi ko sila masisisi kung maging sila ay naguguluhan ngayon sa sitwasyon namin.
"You didn't try to reach out to her these past few days?" Gwen asked.
"I did, pero she's busy everytime. Isang beses lang ata siyang nag-reply at hello lang ini-reply niya. After that, delivered na lang ang message ko," pagkukwento ko. "She messaged me last night and I was so busy with school projects and siyempre medyo nagtatampo kaya hindi ko siya ni-reply-an."
Napailing na lang ang tatlo sa kwento ko.
"Kung kailang matagal na kayo, saka pa kayo nagkakaganiyan." Sheena is a bit pissed. Gusto ko siyang tawanan kasi pati siya nai-stress sa'min.
"Alam mo ang magandang gawin?" Gwen said, as if she's my mom ready to scold me. "After class, puntahan mo si Aiah at mag-usap kayo. Okay? You should know that, palagi niyo namang pinag-uusapan ang mga bagay ha? Bakit hindi niyo magawa 'yan ngayon?"
Tumangu-tango na lang ako sa sinabi ni Gwen. She actually has a point. Ngayon ko lang ata pinairal ang pride ko pagdating sa'min ni Aiah and it's actually not good.
—
The class was dismissed at ang kauna-unahang pumasok sa isip ko ay puntahan si Aiah sa building ng college nila. May one hour pang natitira bago matapos ang class niya pero willing naman akong naghintay. Aiah was never a waste of time.
I stayed at the mini park in front of their college building and played mobile games there while waiting for her. Well, hindi rin naman ako makapag-focus sa laro kasi nakakailang ulit ang tingin ko sa harap ng building nila para tingnan kung palabas na siya.
"Mikha!" I heard someone called me. It's Jhoanna, Aiah's blockmate and friend. Kumakaway ito habang naglalakad papalapit sa'kin. She seemed so shock to see me here.
"Jho, si Aiah?" That was what came out from my mouth as soon as she's already in front of me.
"Hindi kayo nagkita?" Nagtatakang tanong niya. "Maagang na-dismiss ang class namin kanina, nagpaiwan lang ako kasi may kailangang pang gawin eh. Sabi niya pupuntahan ka niya today since hindi kayo gaanong nakakapag-usap."
Napakamot ako sa ulo ko. Nagkasalisi ba kami?
"Kanina pa?" I asked.
Tumango siya, "about an hour ago?"
"Sige, Jho, thank you! Una na 'ko," paalam ko sa kaniya. She nodded and waved at me for goodbye.
Lumakad ako pabalik sa building namin, nagbabakasakaling makita ko pa doon si Aiah. Kung about an hour ago na noong nagpaalam siya kay Jho, dapat nagkita kami hindi ba? Hindi ko alam kung mago-overthink ba ako or what.
"Mikha!" My name's called for the 2nd time already. Lumingon ako sa likuran ko at nakita doon ang taong hinahanap ko. Para akong batang tumakbo papalapit sa kaniya at niyakap siya, hindi na iniisip ang maraming tao sa paligid.
There, I cried like a baby. I don't exactly know why I'm crying but tears just can't stop from falling.
"Hala, what's wrong?" Aiah asked, worried. She caressed the back of my head which eventually reduced my anxiousness. "Why are you crying? Did something happen, love?"
Kumalas ako sa pagkakayakap sa kaniya. Pinunasan ko nang mabilis ang luha ko at hinila siya paalis dahil nakaramdam ako ng hiya. Aiah chuckled when she realized that.
"So, bakit ka nga umiyak? You looked like a lost kid kanina," she joked. Of course I know she's just trying to lighten up the mood but that "lost kid" somehow struck me. Well, I'm really feeling lost and I know she did too but I did not bring that up for it will just worsen things between us.
"I just missed you," sabi ko na lang.
"I missed you too," she said. She leaned her head on my shoulders, the usual thing she always does whenever we are sitting beside each other.
"Sorry, medyo busy kasi noong mga nakaraang araw, I couldn't find time to talk to you. When I did, ikaw naman ang hindi ko ma-contact."
Was it my fault now? I shrugged off that question since ayoko nang magkaroon pa ng mas malalang misunderstanding between us. Maybe it's better to keep it this way.
"It's fine, love. Sorry, medyo nagtampo kasi ako sa'yo so I wasn't answering your calls and text last night." I honestly said.
"Sorry," she said, she looked at me with her eyes pleading. Mahina kong pinisil ang ilong niya and that made her a little annoyed.
"Ang cute mo," I laughed. Sinimangutan niya lang ako, ayaw niyang pinipisil ko ang ilong niya dahil nababahing daw siya pero hindi naman talaga, and her face looks cute whenever I does that.
"Kain tayo?" Pag-aya niya. "Libre ko, pambawi lang. And please, 'wag ka nang magtampo oki? I love you," she said. I forced a smile at tumango na lang ako.
Hindi ko maiwasang magtanong sa isip ko kung totoo pa ba ang I love you's niya. I mean, she's confused right? Is it because nasanay lang siyang sabihin 'yon or does she really mean it? Ever since the day she told me that she's feeling like she's falling out of love, nabuo na sa isip ko ang mga tanong na alam kong wala namang kasiguraduhan ang magiging sagot.
I don't want to doubt her. She's been real to me, for me and with me for the past 5 years, I should always hold on to that. Kaya lang hindi ko talaga maiwasan. Hindi ko maiwasang makaramdam ng takot na baka kapag na-realize niya na lahat ay hindi ko gusto ang maging sagot sa mga tanong na 'yon.
"Love?" Tawag niya sa'kin dahilan para maalis ang mga tumatakbo sa isip. Her voice is like therapy, just one word and everything falls back into place.
"I love you, Aiah," I said out of nowhere. "Even with all the doubts, the fears, the questions, the uncertainties. Sana palagi mong tandaan. You are my certainty, Aiah."
She smiled at me, a smile that even me can't comprehend. Mababaw, magulo. Kahit hindi siya magsalita, alam ko na agad.
"I love you too, Mikha," sagot niya. "I'll figure this out."
I feel like my world started shaking, that wasn't the words I wanted to hear.