The dreadful day after tomorrow is here.
Meaning today is the day we will visit the accident site and then Maize. Neither of them I am keen to visit. But mostly Maize. Although I am not sure if I am afraid, I will break down visiting Maize or is it simply because I am afraid, I will lose her ghost after my visit. I am not certain of the reason. But I am certain that I do not want to visit. Lee knows that and so does Tori, Liz and even Mattie. Well Mattie has been quiet since yesterday. His pain subsided a little. It's still there but he needs rest. So, he is mostly staying at the hotel with the kids who are under strict instruction not to disturb him much. Also, he is using a wheelchair now just because we would be driving back and that would again cause his pain to flare up.
Weirdly for today's visit it would be just us, and not the Millers. They visited Maize yesterday and would again tomorrow. But not today. I would question it, but somehow I understand why. I am not entirely certain what they are doing today though since our, rather my itinerary is full. Not with the pre-planned visits. But with the worry and freak outs for the said visits. How fun is it to be me today? I so hate this. And I will say, I tried to get out of this. I tried being angry, sad and even tried to just talk my way out of this. But people know me too well. Especially my sisters, and the Millers. Also, Lee did not help. Instead, she sided with everyone else and told them that I am trying to get out of the visits today. But I am not angry with her. I should be after all she did not side with her girlfriend. But I am not. I understand her reasoning as well. Because according to Lee I need to visit the accident site as well as Maize. Even if I think or I fear that I will lose Maize's ghost, I should know by now that she will always be with me. Somehow, when Lee said that I just started crying hearing her. The way she said it, it was just everything. Because that means Lee knows I am with her now, and that I love her, but Maize will forever hold a huge piece of my heart. And that there is no comparison because they are both different. And that brought tears to my eyes.
So yesterday, at mine and Tori's childhood home, it was weird. First of all, not all the yellow 'Do Not Cross' tapes have been cleared. Some still littered around. Therefore, first when we walked underneath it, I saw some passersby look at us. Most of them did not recognize us. Not that weird because I did not recognize them either. They look new to the area. And certainly not used to seeing four women randomly walk underneath the yellow tapes dressed pretty casually. We just chuckled and walked in. Instantly we coughed because of the dust that flew because of us pushing the door open. Weird. Wasn't there an investigation going on? But it seemed to me, no one stepped into the house or even opened the door in more than a year. There is dust everywhere, same with cobwebs. A fun place for insects to hangout. That's what I referred it as. Somehow, we managed to walk in, reigning in our coughs and sneezes and also our fear. I was still not sure why we were going in, but apparently it was to show Liz and Lee our old rooms. Well for Liz and Tori to reminisce and for Lee to see it for the first time. Not that we would be back so hopefully for the first and last time for Lee. Although Lee was inspecting the house, much more than I thought she would. She did go into Tori's room before entering mine. It did seem she was hesitant in entering my childhood bedroom. I mean I get it, but since she did not voice it, I was not sure.
As soon as she stepped into my room, I was certain. The look Lee gave me told me everything I needed to know. She did not want to step in because that was mine and Maize's place. And she did not want to intrude. I never thought of it that way. At least not consciously. Maize's ghost was also there, loitering around, putting an invisible finger on the dusty bed of mine, my study desk and lastly my mirror. As if putting an invisible touch. Although it did make me smile. And it made me remember all the hidden things that I took with me the last time I stepped in here. I am glad I have all those things with me. All our photographs, gifts, memorabilia. Everything. I guess I was also reminiscing by then.
Lee then opened my old closet which again made a gust of dust to fly with the movement of the closet door being opened. I am not sure what Lee wanted to see but the dust did not stop her curiosity. She coughed and waved her hand a little. Then she just looked inside. It is not a big one, and it barely fitted my clothes. I guess there are still some hanging there which I did not take even the last time I came to visit. I am not sure what Lee was searching, I still do not but whatever it was she did not find it. As she shrugged and closed it, after looking at it from different angles for a few minutes. Then she just smiled looking at the bed before walking out of the room. She did not touch anything else or sit anywhere. Definitely did not walk even near the bed. I did ask Lee afterwards what she was looking for there, she just smiled and kissed me. Not an answer but I am happy with the reply.
We are nearing the site now, hence my mind is getting frazzled. I thought I had time. And I could occupy myself by thinking of yesterday's visit, the weird looks and all. But no, we are nearing and my brain in almost back firing. I am getting so many images all together. Some with Maize, Jack, Mattie and me and some with Lee as well some with Tori. It's a mess right now. My brain. Everything is mixed together and mashed in with each other. I cannot think clearly to separate one memory from the other. My hands are also shaking, and my palms are sweating. My heart is beating so fast. Yet, I am still not tearful. But damn if this is my reaction to just visiting the accident site how would I be when we visit Maize after this?
On the accident site, there is a shrine as Zach said. But it's not like the ones we have all seen. No, this one is placed a little further away from the road, thus clearly giving space for cars to stop by and see it. The words are very clearly and boldly written. By words I mean the date and that 2 people died. I would have imagined the names would be written as well. Maybe they are but for that we need to walk towards it. Also, it has flowers. Fresh flowers. Liz looked at me through the rear-view mirror while slowing down. Somehow, I think she guessed it that I am not ready. So, she did not slow down the car, instead we just drive by. But then we start to turn around in front. I thought we were done. I guess I was wrong. I was just given few more minutes to pull myself together to brace for the fact that we are stopping and that's that.
While we are returning from the opposite side of the road, we notice a car full of teenagers, almost my age pass by. But then they back up a little as they missed the shrine. Then they go towards the side to park the car and they all got down. Now that sight made me tear up a little. Because people my age actually notices it and stops to read it. It's not just there but it...I do not think I am making sense anymore. But the respect I felt seeing that prepared me for when we reached the place. Liz parked behind another car, their car to be specific. I did not notice, them but they did. There was one guy who kept looking at me weirdly. I didn't see it for I was focused on being steady to see the shrine, most probably the names. But Lee noticed the guy and elbowed me. When I looked at him his eyes widened.
"Holy Shit Kris." I try to place him because it is apparent, he knows me and recognized me. "I am so sorry." I nod, still not able to remember him. "I am not saying sorry for this accident." Now I frown as I was sure it was because of this. After all we are standing here. "I am sorry for treating you so poorly for years and not able to see Aaron for who he is. We know what he did. I am so sorry for not..." I raise my eyebrows. One of the girls then elbows him and then looks at me apologetically.
"I am sorry too Kris for not saying anything when I saw you getting bullied by these idiots." I just nod while Lee scoffs.
"I am sorry Kris for not saying anything that night when I felt something was off with Aaron. Especially when I saw you get lightheaded after barely drinking from the only cup you had that night. I am so, so sorry." The first guy finally says. The other three guys just look at him in shock as well as the two girls.
"Dude you knew?" "What the hell?" "You saw and didn't say anything?" Two of three guys and one girl say while the other guy and girl just looks at him disappointed.
"Why now? Your sorry won't do shit now. You could have told someone. Anyone." Lee tells him and shakes her head.
"I did. I told a guy who came looking for Kris. Well, he didn't come to the party looking for her, but yeah, he was looking for Kris after I told him what I thought I saw and where you went. And then I did see him carry you out in his arms." He shrugs. But then before anyone else could say anything Lee just gives him a hug.
"Thank you for saying something to Zach. Thank you for helping him save Kris." The guy was in shock while I mouthed him a 'thank you' as Lee hugged him. The others were smiling now hearing that.
Lee then walks back to me and kisses my cheek. The guy still stood in shock. His friends then pulled him with them, as they all waved us bye and climbed back into their car. After they drove off, I see Tori and Liz walk towards us. They both just gives us a side hug and a kiss on the top of my head. Of course, it made me smile without even thinking what I just learnt or where I am standing.
I somehow reigned in my tears as I read the shrine, the date and of course the names and ages that are there. It also mentions us, Mattie and me as the survivors. Where we went to school is also mentioned. I was sure I would be a crying mess. But somehow, I am not. Not sure if the discovery of how Zach found me that night was the reason. But it surely helped. Also, something about this sign and seeing people, my ex-bully, or simply my ex-classmates stopping to read the shrine. Pay respect. It just did something to me. And even though I know my tears are threatening to fall, I am not a sobbing mess.
But now we are back on the road and on our way to visit Maize. Now for this one I know I will be a sobbing mess with snots and everything. But weirdly I think I am ready to visit Maize. I don't think that I cannot not go anymore. Like opting out of going there is not even an option anymore as we are on our way. Of course, if I can, I will not go but I am okay knowing that we are going there. I can feel her presence with me even without seeing her ghost. Also, Lee is holding my right hand tightly, hugging it while her head rests on my shoulder. I can feel her love and support as well. And that is being a big help for me.
Finally, Liz parks the car, and we climb out. I feel my hands are shaking and my heart is beating so loudly that anyone can hear it. But I am not yet sobbing. I have yet to see Maize's ghost, but something tells me she is here just hiding from me. Probably for good reason.
Funny thing is this is where our parents are buried as well. Mine and Tori's. And while I just eye the place Tori looks at it. Not sure what she is feeling. After all they were her parents too even if they threw her out and cut off all contacts. She has never been to see them before, even when we came to this town, we never visited them. I am not feeling much seeing them. But Tori is definitely not at all okay. As I see Liz and Tori walk towards them, Lee pulls my hand. I am not keen on visiting them. But I feel like I should. Mostly because I need to be there for Tori. I am not sure, if I am being a bitch or anything. I feel like I am. But because I was prepared to visit Maize today for the first time, I have yet to feel anything seeing my parents' graves.
Okay. I was wrong. Seeing their names and no flowers did do something to me. I do not think I can exactly call it sadness, but more like emptiness. Yeah. That's what this is. I mean theirs are the only graves where there are no flowers. Forget fresh flowers, there is nothing. The graves are just there. With their names, and dates. It feels odd. And now that I think about it, I never even gave the clearance to add an epigraph. So, there is nothing on the headstone as well. So, there is no loving father, loving mother or wife, husband. Nothing. It's just barren. And that's what is making me feel this emptiness. I guess they were my parents after all. Just like Tori who is crying softly clutching onto Liz. Even Liz has tears. Whereas I am just watching, looking, observing like a stoic weirdo.
"Tori." I finally touch her shoulder. She unclutches from Liz and looks at me with a sad, pained look. Just the look on her was enough to make me sad. Weird that this look, on my sister's face made me sad instead of my current surrounding.
"I am okay Kris. I do want to talk though. Would you like to introduce Charlie to them?" Tori asks in a pained voice.
I do think there has to be an irony here. I mean they threw out a daughter for being gay, well mostly because Mr. Monroe was not able to use it to his benefit, so technically not because Tori is gay. But it did seem that way for a long time and maybe that is true, who knows. And now Tori is asking me to introduce my girlfriend to our homophobic parents? How am I supposed to react to this? Should I laugh, or cry or say gotcha? Well, I do not think I should 'gotcha' but...now I cannot get that image out of my head.
I approach my parents' grave with a very skeptical looking Lee behind me. Tori is again crying on Liz's shoulder as Liz eyes me. I nod at her not entirely sure why. But I think Liz knows what I am thinking or how I am feeling about this. I try to rein in the sarcasm, the bitterness in my voice as much as I can before starting to speak.
"Hello Mrs. Monroe, and hello Mr. Monroe." I start as I see both Liz and Lee look at me weirdly. I shrug. What that's what I used to call them. Rarely did I call Mrs. Monroe mother and the last time I called Mr. Monroe father was maybe when I was 7 or at max 8 years old. After that he became sir, for a few months then he hated it and thus he became Mr. Monroe. I shake off their looks and clear my throat.
"Hello Mr. and Mrs. Monroe. I did not come to visit you both. I think you can understand why. I am not here to say sorry about that. Although I do think I should have said something to add as an epigraph here because it looks barren. Empty. Huh just like your promises of love for me. Well, you didn't even promise me that, it was just a one-time thing just to make me forget that my sister actually drove away. That you drove her away. That you threw out your own 16-year-old daughter and then turned the other one into a fucking robot. So, I guess I am glad it is empty, barren and that no one visits. Not that I even thought someone would visit. Well, maybe your sister Mr. Monroe or your brother Mrs. Monroe, but I guess you were successful in pushing them away too. Great job you guys did. Also, you wouldn't believe who I got to live with after your death? Guess who? Tori, my sister, your eldest daughter. See your death did bring us back together. That has to be ironical or something? I mean my psycho ex-boyfriend planned to murder you and in fact did do it albeit indirectly. So that has to be in that irony pile as well. Oh, how can I forget." I pull Lee's hand a little. "This is Charlie, my girlfriend." Lee gives me a look of sadness while Liz and Tori looks at me in shock. "And now I am done." I just get up and walk away.
How weird is it that I thought I would be sad? But now I am bursting with anger, all thanks to Tori asking me to talk to them? And seeing their graves, instead of making me feel sad. It made me feel empty and now angry. I start pacing around not able to handle these whirlwinds of emotions. And anger being at the top is not helping me at all.
Lee walks towards me and gives me a wry smile. She then forcefully hugs me while I stand there with arms by my side. Somehow, Lee's hug soothes my mind. I can feel the war starting to end and with that my anger slowly fades away. And now I am left with sadness, pain, emptiness and a general hollowness. But I do not feel so angry anymore, that I want to hit something. I am also not crying or even on the verge of tears. But I am not numb either.
"Come on let's go see Maize." Lee says and pulls my hand.
I let Lee pull me towards where I think Maize is buried. I hate it already realizing that. I look back at Tori and Liz. Lee sees me and sighs a little. "They need time. Vicky umm...she uh...yeah...we came here to see Maize. You need to visit her. And I want to. So, let's go. They will join us when umm...yeah sometime." I stare at Lee to figure out what is talking about. What is Tori doing? Why is she doing this?
I pull Lee's hand and we stop about few feet away from Maize's. I think. I can almost read the name. Lee sighs. "Vicky needs time okay. She wants to talk to her...I mean your parents. And Eliza said we should go visit Maize. This will also give you some privacy as well as Vicky. So, let's go." I sigh. That makes sense though.
Even though I might not understand Tori's reasoning, but I do understand one thing. They were her parents too. I get her, I guess. But at the same time, I do not. Yeah okay. I am contradicting myself only. Liz is right, this will give me some privacy while I visit Maize for the first time. And I think I need that.
Soon, we are in front of Maize's grave. Hers have fresh flowers, trimmed grass around. The whole gravestone is clean. And there is an epigraph. Tears started streaming down my face just reading her name only even before I got to her epigraph. Just the 'beloved daughter, sister and 'best friend'' got to me. And I am now sobbing already. Although it did make me smile seeing 'best friend' in quotes. It's like Mattie knew it would make me smile when I will see it. It was a joke as well as our cover from my parents and everyone else who weren't Maize's parents.
"Hey Maize." I start as I kneel down after I touch the headstone and the grave. It feels weird. It feels much more real than ever. Not that I did not know Maize was buried till now, but right now it just feels like too much. Like I am not even sure what to say. Like it is so concrete, not like I knew she was coming back before. I guess it's just because I am visiting her grave for the first time, and I am guessing this is how it feels. I mean I didn't even get to go to her funeral. I think I would have felt this only if I could have made it to her funeral. But I couldn't and I am here now, years later.
"You should not have forced to go for that drive. You should not have changed the seats with me. You definitely should not have given me your heart. But I know what you are going to say. I can almost see you mumble the words. 'But we did go for that drive, but I did change the seats and I did give you, my heart. I would give it again and again if it would help me save you.' Maybe even few months ago I would have said that you shouldn't have given me your heart because then you would be alive. But now, now I know. I knew it then too, but I just refused to believe it." I wipe my eyes and my face a little. "Well, if I am being honest, it was more like you should have been alive instead of me. I didn't feel I deserved your heart. Not that I still feel I do. But now I am glad that because of you I got the second chance at life. Because of you I got the second chance to see my sister, Tori. Live with her and go to a school where people actually like, where I have friends. Because of your last wish I got to see and know my niece and nephew both of whom I adore so much. And lastly because of you I got a second chance at love." I laugh at that. But that makes me snot a little. I try to wipe my eyes and nose a little.
"It's so strange Maize. I know I love Lee, my girlfriend, who is here by the way. I know I love her with all your heart. So, now do I love her, or do we both love her? Or is it just you? I know you will say it's my heart. I know even the doctors told me that, but I refuse to believe that. For if I do that, then you cease to exist as anything but just my memory. And I cannot live like that Maize, please do not ask me to." I laugh at that.
"You can't ask me really now, can you? Why? Because you went ahead and died on me. That's why. Do you know I see your ghost? Apparition? Whatever you want to call it. I talk to her; she talks to me too. Alex talks to her or you as well. Alex is my niece, Tori and Liz's kid. I do not know why I am telling you this. I mean you already know. After all I do talk to your ghost but why does it feel like she and you are different. Like you both are different even if you are the same person? I don't know why I am feeling this. Well, my feelings are jumbled right now so that makes sense." I nod.
"Well, if you are different. Then I need to tell you what all happened after you thought it was okay to wish for your heart to be given to me and then die. You could have fought through your injuries; you could have at least tried. But then again, I know you did. I know you tried, and I also know you knew I wasn't going to make it. I do not know if that was a factor for you, but you never even gave me a chance to say goodbye. I was unconscious. And you woke up, talked to your family and the doctors, made the strange request and then died. I didn't even get to see you one last time or know how you were before I was told that your heart is beating inside me. What the hell was I supposed to do with that knowledge when I woke up alone in that hospital room? What the hell was I supposed to do? Huh Maize? Tell me? Did you not once realize that when you died, I died too. Did you not think that if you are not there, I would have lost the one person I loved since I understood the meaning of love? Did you not realize that with you, I lost my best friend, my confidante, my soul mate and the love of life? You were all for me. Yet, when you woke up you asked about me and after you realized you will not make it, you asked to donate your organs, the noblest thing you could do, and then requested for me to be checked first for every organ. Who does that? You were 14 then. Who thinks like that at 14? But then again, you were always generous, you always wanted to give, and I can somehow think of you thinking this even then. But I am sure you didn't think of one thing? With you gone, I was all alone. You left me all alone with your beating heart thumping inside my ribcage. A reminder that you are dead, and I am not."
I am crying and laughing at the same time now. I know Lee is here somewhere beside me, but I cannot even look. I again wipe my face and try to rub my hands on my t-shit which is already wet from all the tears and snots. How weird must I look right now? That thought made me chuckle. And now I am sure anyone seeing me right now would be scared after seeing a girl chuckling beside a grave.
"Before I forget, I need to tell you what all happened since...yeah. I know you know but I still want to tell you. You died, Mattie left, as well as your parents. Thus, I was all alone with them. I also believed Tori did not want to see me, but that's not true. Clarifying that later on. Because when I went back to school, I started getting bullied for some reason after they pitied me for a while. Then I started dating a douche, well an asshole whom I would rather not refer to as a human being. He is the worst of the worst. I didn't know then, so I sort of dated him. He tried to r**e me; Zach saved me. Yeah, Zach, the same guy we used to know, he is my friend now. Then Mr. and Mrs. Monroe died, again an accident caused by that inhuman asshole, I didn't know then. Later on, it was proved. Well, then I went to live with Tori, as my only living close relative. There I found friends, along with my sisters including Liz, who is my sister-in-law now by the way. Yeah, Tori married her high school sweetheart, and they have two adorable kids, Alex and James. I started dating, well technically I started liking someone, so to hide from that I started dating another girl, broke her heart in the process. A douche move I know. Then finally got the courage and expressed my feelings for Charlie and started dating her. Oh, and in the meantime my psycho ex was found guilty but before that he shot me. So yeah, that about sums it up. Oh, a friend of mine died as well. And finally, I guess I graduated high school." I laugh finishing this.
I look around and my eyes spot Lee. She is few steps behind me sitting on the grass and watching me, listening. But I just smile at her. I put my hand up and beckon her to come to me. She shakes her head at first but then relents. I am still a mess, with tears on my face, my eyes red and puffy and my t-shirt is wet from tears and snot. Yet, I try to smile and Lee smiles back at me. Ignoring the mess that I am right now. I know Lee is not one to judge, I also know she knew I would be like this. But still for some reason just seeing her smile right now made me feel so in love with her.
"Maize, this is Charlie or as I like to call her, Lee. I love this girl with all your heart." We both chuckle. "I guess in a way you love her too. And you already know. But I still feel it is important for me to introduce her. I will always love you; you were my first love. And hopefully Lee will be my last. I will always miss you, but I am also grateful to you for giving me a second chance at life, a second chance to see Tori, live with her and a second chance in love. For without you I would not have met Lee or fallen in love. Without you I would not have been alive. But I also need to tell you that Lee is the one who made me feel again, feel love, feel happiness of having a crush, the rush, feel normal again, not a robot just going on with the motions of life. Even after I found Tori, I felt so disconnected. Its Lee who made me orient myself again. I love Lee so much. I love you too. I always will. I guess I love both of you but in different ways. You will always have my heart and now Lee will too." I nod as I slide my hand over the headstone again. Lee does the same. Then I place a kiss on it and close my eyes as I try to remember Maize's laughter.
I smile as soon as the known sound flow in through my memories. I open my eyes and hold my hand out for Lee to hold it. Lee eyes it skeptically but then takes it. I kiss her knuckles and pull her to me. As I start to walk away. I do not look back. For I do not want to. I know Maize is with me, I know her ghost is here standing beside her headstone. I saw her, I felt her. I feel her with me now as I walk away, holding Lee's hand in mine.
I look at Lee and smile seeing her red hair flowing a little, her skin crinkles a little while she is smiling and trying to control her hair. I notice her nose, her ears, the tip of which are going pink now. Odd I never knew Lee's ear turn pink when she gets shy. It is almost 4pm now and the sun rays hitting the grass is creating a soft twilight glow. I can feel Maize almost extending her hand to feel it, weirdly exactly just how Lee is doing right now. I just smile noticing this.
I am not sure if Tori and Liz visited Maize or not. We reached the car and stood beside it. Lee was just looking around, not looking at me, smiling shyly. And I am just...I am not sure what exactly is this that I am feeling right now. I did hear Maize or her ghost whisper, 'You were never alone Kris, for I was always by your side and now so is Lee. I will always be by your side Kris. I will always love you too.' it did make me smile. It also made my heart ache but that is something I am used to by now and I sort of welcome it for it is not painful at all. In fact, it made me feel the warmth of love, the everlasting kind.
After all, 'we are but one soul divided into two' as Maize's epigraph reads.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A/N: This is the end of this story. Only Epilogue left, that will be posted tomorrow.
I do have some ideas for spin offs with characters from this story but since I have yet to write the spin offs from The Light House Girl, I won't promise that they will be out anytime soon.
Meanwhile you all can check out my other stories. He-he excuse the shameless promo.
Hope you all enjoyed this story, Kris' journey.
Vote and comment to let me know.
And I hope I will see you all in my next story.