Summary: It is Harry's two year anniversary of being clean from self harm, but Louis doesn't seem to care.
Content Warning
Talk about self harm
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Harry POV
The soft melody of my alarm clock doesn't annoy me today. I open my eyes and see the early morning sun peeking through the perimeter of my window shade, filling my room with grey light and shadows. I pull my cozy comforter up to my ears and smile as I revel in my last few moments of comfort before I face the cold weather and the day of school ahead.
The carpet feels plushy under my sock-clad feet, and I make it down the dim hallway with my eyes half shut. Unfortunately, I have to turn on the bathroom light, so I squint my eyes and slowly open them so they adjust to the brightness. As I brush my teeth, I balance my phone in my hand and type out a text to Louis:
Harry: Morning Boo xxxxx
Harry: See you at school!
I decide not to mention what day it is, because Louis is probably going to remind me as soon as we see each other in first period.
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I tap my pen on my desk--which is in the back row of the classroom--as my eyes flash between the clock on the wall and the classroom door; only one more minute until class begins. Louis comes strolling in with his backpack hanging off his right shoulder as if he has ten minutes to spare. I uncross my legs and sit up in my seat, slightly leaning forward so Louis can reach me a millisecond sooner.
"Hi," I smile.
"Hey Curly." Louis ruffles my hair right as the bell rings, then takes a seat at his desk and faces me. "Any weekend plans?" Louis quietly asks as the teacher begins talking.
"Um, not really." A wide smile spreads across my face out of pride for myself.
"Maybe we could do something tonight, then," Louis casually suggests.
"Mister Tomlinson," our teacher says in a warning tone.
"Sorry," Louis says, then looks at me once more before sweeping his legs under his desk and facing the front of the class. Louis made no mention of today, but I just shrug it off; maybe he'll bring it up when we aren't in the middle of a class.
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Apparently, I was wrong. In the time that Louis and I see each other during the day, which is quite a lot, he makes no mention of my anniversary. It is beginning to bother me, because it's a really important day to me and the least he could do is acknowledge it, since he has plenty of times before.
"Hey, what's up?" Zayn suddenly appears next to my locker and says. I jump at first, then look at him with my heart beating heavily.
"Do you know what day it is?" I ask. Zayn's eyes mindlessly wander around the hallway as he thinks, then they get really big and his eyebrows shoot up.
"2 years! Congratulations." Zayn quickly pulls me in for a tight hug, and I immediately hug back; at least my best friend remembers. "I'm so proud of you, Hazza."
"Thank you," I say with a soft smile.
"Are you gonna celebrate it tonight?" He wonders. My locker makes a small clang as I shut it, and we start walking to lunch.
"Yeah, just..." I sigh. "Do you wanna do something this weekend?"
"Sure. What about Louis though? I remember the three of us celebrating together last year." We sit at our usual table against the wall, and we plop our lunch bags onto the long table.
"He hasn't even said anything about it today," I grumble, then take a bite of a baby carrot.
"That's stupid," Zayn says with a mouth full of sandwich.
"I know right? Like, I love him and stuff, but the least he could do is say something about it. What if he forgot?"
"I don't think he forgot. If it's important to you, it's important to him. Speaking of..." Zayn trails, then looks to his left. I look to my right and see Louis walking towards us, talking to one of his friends. They part ways, and Louis sits next to me and pats my thigh underneath the table.
"Hi mate," Louis says to Zayn, then drops his backpack to the ground behind his chair.
Zayn has been friends with Louis the same amount of time that he has been friends with me, so essentially third-wheeling at the lunch table doesn't bother him. He actually likes to brag that he set us up, which is partially true.
"Hi," Zayn replies, then looks at me and raises his eyebrows. I give him a look that says "I know", then sink into the cacophonous chatter of the cafeteria and let Louis and Zayn talk.
"Got any weekend plans, bub?" Louis asks me, since our teacher interrupted our conversation earlier.
"Don't know," I simply shrug. My stomach flips and I start to feel upset, because this is the most important day to me, and the one person I care about the most doesn't even know. Maybe he really did forget.
"We should hang out, then," Louis softly says, then moves his chair a couple inches closer to me; he must have picked up on the fact that I'm a little upset.
"Oh, actually, my mum wanted to go see a movie," I lie. Well, it technically isn't a lie, because my mum does want to see a movie that just came out.
"I don't think she would mind if I asked to come along," Louis says.
"I think she just wanted it to be a family thing...sorry," I softly apologize, verbally squirming out of the subject. After that, I put way too much focus on eating my lunch, and I try not to act like I'm listening to Louis and Zayn's conversation.
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As the final bell of the week rings, I throw my backpack over my shoulder and speed walk to the front doors, along with many other students. After hours of working myself up and convincing myself that Louis doesn't care about me, I am teetering on the edge of an emotional relapse. All I want to do is be alone at home and by myself.
"Harry!" Zayn calls from behind just as I am about to get into my mum's car.
"What?" I stop and say, my fingers wrapped around the cool handle of the car door.
"Aren't you gonna wait for Louis?" He wonders, since Louis and I usually go to each other's houses on Fridays. At the sound of Louis' name, I feel angry and almost disgusted, like I want to distance myself from him.
"No," I scoff, then open the door, throw my backpack in the backseat, and escape the chilly Autumn weather by climbing into the warm car. "Is that it?" I wonder. Zayn looks at me for a couple seconds, then sighs.
"Yeah, I guess so. Well, I hope you have a good rest of your day," Zayn softly sighs before walking away.
"No Louis today?" My mum wonders.
"No," I simply reply, trying to keep my voice calm so I don't have to go through the questions of "are you okay?" or "what's wrong?"
When we get home, I go straight to my room and shut the door. I had a few tests today, which means I don't have any homework. So, I change and walk straight to the gym that is only a few blocks away. Once I get back from the gym and shower and eat dinner, it is almost 6:00 p.m.
"Louis called the house while you were in the shower. He said you weren't answering your phone," Gemma says in the middle of my television show.
"Okay?" I sassily reply; once I am in a bad mood, there is really no use in me trying to fix it. Plus, I am going to go to bed soon anyways, so I can just sleep it off.
"Are you guys fighting?" She wonders, now sitting beside me. I forcefully push the power button on the remote, then stand up from the couch.
"No, we're fine. I just wanna be left alone," I say, then go upstairs and lock myself in my quiet, solitary room. When I think about the day's events, I realize that what I did wrong was expect something from somebody else. Nobody else can bring me happiness but myself, so it's really not a big deal that Louis didn't mention today. The deeper I get into convincing myself that I'm better on my own, the faster the time passes. When I finally stand up from sitting on the carpet, my right foot is asleep and it is dark outside. I drag myself down the dark hallway to the bathroom, where I brush my teeth with my eyes half closed.
"Watch out," Gemma says. I open my eyes all the way just in time to see a glob of toothpaste foam fall from my lip and onto the counter. I whine, then clean the counter and rinse my mouth. I am way too tired now to try and make myself feel better, so I climb under my protective comforter and turn my pillow vertically so I can cuddle it. My thoughts roam to Louis, then to the disaster that today has been, then to the fact that I can never be normal because I chose to pick up a pair of scissors and cut myself for the first time seven years ago. With a shaky sigh and a stray tear on my pillow, I play a soft song in my head and try to fall asleep.
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Tap...tap...clang. A persistent clattering sound causes me to stir awake. I look around the dim room, which is flooded with moonlight since I left my window blinds open. There is another sharp tap on my window, and I immediately know what is about to happen. I reluctantly shrug the warm, cozy comforter off of me, then open my window all the way and peer outside to see none other than Louis standing in my backyard, throwing pebbles at my window.
"You woke me up," I simply tell him, trying to stay emotionally distant.
"It's...10:15," he checks his phone and says. "Can I come up? It's quite cold out here." Part of me doesn't want to let him in, but my gut is telling me to let him in and sort things out.
"You can come up," I decide, then turn my bedside lamp on and sit back on my bed while I wait for him. The metal trellis softly rattles against the brick wall as Louis climbs up to my window. My window is close enough to the ground that if Louis were to fall, he would probably sprain his ankle or hurt his wrist at the worst. When Louis makes it inside my room, he shuts the window, then dusts himself off and leaves his shoes and backpack in the corner.
"Hi," Louis says. It feels like there are so many unspoken words between us that have been adding up all day.
"Hi."
"I feel like we've been a little weird today," he starts as he sits a few feet away from me on the bed.
"You think?" I scoff. I look down at my arms and see faint pink lines, which I promptly fold my arms to hide.
"Lemme see, Harry." Louis closes the space between us, sitting so close to me that our legs are almost touching. I show him my forearms, just like he made me do almost every day when I was in the thick of my self harm. "What's it from?" He asks as he holds my hands and looks at my wrists, which have a few faint, pink lines that resemble cuts.
"Red pen. It's a really good alternative," I quietly say.
"Okay." He lets out what sounds like a small sigh of relief, then lets go of my hands. "Did you wanna relapse today?" He asks, and I quietly nod. "I'm really glad you didn't," he genuinely says with a small smile, which almost makes me break down in tears.
"Why'd you come?" I ask.
"Because I feel horrible. I know it's your special day, and I didn't do anything to celebrate you or your accomplishment," he softly says. Judging by the look on his face, he really does feel terrible about the whole situation.
"Today was really special for me," I simply agree. "And I don't care about you not celebrating me or whatever. Just the fact that you didn't say anything about it really hurt me." Suddenly, I am upset all over again. I don't want anything to do with Louis, because I am once again reminded that I am always going to be let down by everyone no matter what. "I was just starting to think that for once, somebody really cared about me." The end of my sentence comes out in a whisper, and I feel a lump in my throat and my eyes sting.
"Oh, baby, don't cry. Come here," Louis frowns, then moves closer to me and wraps his arms around me. My heart aches upon first contact, because even when I am upset with Louis, he is somehow still the only person I want. "I know I can't change the fact that I was a dick today, but I think I can make it a little better. I brought you something," he tells me after about a minute of us hugging in silence.
"What is it?" I wonder. Louis gets up to retrieve his backpack, then unzips the second smallest part. He pulls out a small black gift bag and sets it in front of me. A give him a curious glance before taking the tissue paper from the top and peering inside. One by one, I take out each item Louis has selected for me: a pair of socks, which are dark green with cream colored stripes, a vanilla and spice scented candle, which is warm and comforting and perfect for fall, and a small, cloth pouch.
"There's something in there," he quietly says as he points to the pouch. I slowly start to open it, then pull out a brown, adjustable, string bracelet, which has two gold square beads in the middle of it. "I made it. There's two beads for two years," he explains. "I'm just, I'm really glad that you've made the decision to fight to be clean for this long. I want you to always remember that." He looks unsure of whether or not I like it, but my heart is so overwhelmed that I don't know what to say. He made me a bracelet.
"I love it, I love everything, thank you," I say, full of happiness and love. I give Louis a tight squeeze, then secure the bracelet around my left wrist and admire it.
"Happy anniversary," he says, then kisses my right cheek, "happy anniversary," he kisses my left cheek, "happy anniversary," he places a final kiss to my lips, leaving me giggling and smiling like an idiot. "What do you wanna do?" Louis asks. I can tell he is trying his best to pack an entire day of apologies and quality time into one night, but I don't care; all that matters is that he feels sorry and that he's here now.
"It's too cold to do anything outside, plus I'm comfortable here," I say.
"Okay," Louis nods. He moves my gifts onto the nightstand, then lays on his side. I lay on my stomach and face him, and he gently plays with my hair as we talk about things ranging from my anniversary to how they pick what color of wax matches the scent of the candle.
My eyelids get heavier and heavier the longer we talk. I catch a glimpse of the clock as Louis lays on his back and I shuffle over to fit into his side, and it reads 1:00 a.m.
"It's officially October 16th. My anniversary is over," I mumble, my voice tired and slightly gravely from talking for so long.
"That's okay. I'll still celebrate you. Someone as beautiful as you deserves to be celebrated every day." I smile against his soft t-shirt at this.
"Boo, I love you," I whisper and finally let my eyes flutter shut.
"I love you too, angel," he whispers back, slowly rubbing up and down my back and sending pleasure and chills down my spine.
"To death," I tell him, my voice barely audible now.
"To death," he repeats. I am already half asleep by the time I feel him kiss my head and rest his cheek against my hair. A smile remains on my face, even though every other muscle in my body is entirely relaxed. It is true that only I can truly understand the breadth of what it took to make it two years clean. However, the fact that Louis has been alongside me, never doubting me and always fully supporting me, means more to me than words can ever express.
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Proud to have been the very first concert Harry sang "she's dressed as a banana" at 🙂
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