I LIKE Lexi but waking up to her this morning didn't have the same vibe as waking up next to Arlo this past week.
She complained about the mattress springs and blasted her blow dryer at seven AM. I suffocated myself with the pillow and tried to close out all of the sounds but instead images of last night crept into my mind.
"I loved that. I love you."
Why did I say that? What the fuck? I couldn't stop replaying those words and cringing. Afterwards he didn't mention it, maybe that's what we're doing, ignoring them... pretending it didn't happen. I could live with that.
"Hey, I got you both hot chocolates from the dining hall. You're still in bed Fearne? People are packing up the bus." I sat up and pulled my hair back into a high ponytail, tying it with a thin black hair tie that I kept on my wrist. Cam handed both Lexi and me a foam cup and I watched the steam lift from mine before blowing it away.
"Where is... everyone?" I asked, watching ringlets form on the surface of my hot chocolate, acting casual.
"Roughly translated to where's Arlo?" Lexi smiled slyly and then took a small sip of her drink. I took a small sip, it tasted vapid and needed a few spoonfuls of sugar. I had gotten used to not limiting my sugar intake while living here.
"Still in the cabin, Jamie is teasing Arlo about his bedsheets, Liam is stressing about getting everything packed and Jordan is winding everyone up." He lay down on my bed and kicked off his shoes.
"His bedsheets?" Lexi asked.
"There's blood on them or some shit, dunno what happened there but whatever." My nose almost inhaled the hot chocolate with how low I bowed my head.
I could feel Lexi giving me questionable glances but I ignored her and embarrassment hit me like a truck.
Did I bleed bad? I was still sore down there today, it wouldn't surprise me if I bled bad but last night it didn't really hurt. Not that bad. Has everyone seen it? Did they know? Were they laughing at me?
"We need to go." Lexi interrupted my thoughts with rational thinking. I picked up my duffel bag and slung it over my shoulder. Heading towards the bus lineup.
About ten people had already formed a line at the busses, all waiting to put their bag in the under compartment. It might be the foster kid inside me but I hated leaving my belongings there, in a place so easy to steal from.
I breathed in the fresh air of the crisp, spring morning. The clouds looked fluffy and white against a cyan sky and with this new day I couldn't help but feel different.
Like my body had developed and somehow now I felt more womanly. I had a post-sex glow that I didn't even think was caused entirely from the sex. I think it was just Lakeland in general and all that it brought.
Here I felt safe. Safe to explore my body. Safe to eat. Safe to make bonds and form friendships. Safe to make mistakes. Safe to be alive.
"What's put a smile on your face?" He bumped my shoulder and snapped me out of my daydream.
"Arlo, there's a line!" The girl behind us pointed out.
He smirked at her and grabbed her chin. "I know gorgeous and I'd love to cross that line with you." He winked at her suggestively and then his smirk fell and he dropped his hand slowly.
Turning to me sheepishly he uttered "Uh...shit. Sorry... I kinda just crossed a line, didn't I?"
"You think?" I rolled my eyes and moved forward with the line.
"Okay, wait... I wanna talk to you for one sec." He threw his arm over my shoulder and walked me away from the busses.
"Arlo! I just lost my place!" I complained.
"I just wanna know, like... uh... how are you doing after... you know?"
"Fine. I'm fine." I looked back at the bus line, it was ever growing and I sighed in defeat knowing I would have to rejoin the back.
"Fine, okay... that's good." He ran his fingers through his hair and the silence stretched. "I was nervous to see you this morning incase you hated me. So you have no regrets?"
Only telling you that I loved you.
"No." He smiled really big, not a smirk. A smile, a genuinely happy, beaming smile. It was adorable.
"You had blood on your bedsheets?" His brows knitted together.
"Who told you tha-" he sighed in frustration. "God, people really love to talk around here. You didn't need to know that. There wasn't much and I dealt with it."
"But Jamie-"
"Jamie thinks I had a nose bleed." He pulled me into his chest and rested his chin on my head. He smelt of fruity soap and laundry detergent. I smiled against his warmth. "Don't think I haven't noticed you're wearing my hoodie, I'm gonna have no clothes left." He laughed.
"Arlo! C'mon! We're leaving!" Jordan shouted from across the parking lot. I pulled back from him but still kept my arms wrapped around his waist.
"You're not riding with us?" I sounded more disappointed than I felt. Who was I trying to kid? I felt as disappointed as I sounded.
"I'm not allowed. Principal Moore wants me watched every second of every day. It's the only reason he allowed me to come. If he had it his way my dad would accompany me to and from the bathroom, I don't know what he thinks I'm going to do."
"Oh." He glanced back at his dad and then at the bus. I could see his mind working, conjuring up a plan, bubbles filled with thoughts.
"I'll be right back, save me a seat." He ran off towards Jordan and I rejoined the back of a really long line at the busses.
I took my seat next to Cam and Lexi leaving the chair next to me vacant, just in case. The sound of the engine rumbled away but the driver was nowhere to be seen so I took a deep dive into my snack bag while I waited.
Cheers of greeting made me lift my eyes, instantly knowing it was Arlo before I seen him. He lapped up the attention, fist pumping, blowing kisses and just enjoying it as he made his way down to me.
"So much for me sneaking in unnoticed." He helped himself to a small kit-kat from my bag and then turned around to talk to Jamie a few rows back.
Finally I could feel the movement of wheels turning against the road, following the curves and greeting each slope in a smooth way. The gentle vibration rocked me from side to side and I could feel my eyes closing with heaviness.
A movement made them shoot open and look around, Arlo had lifted his arm and gestured for me to cuddle into his chest. A dopey smile grew on my lips and I moved closer, using him as my human pillow.
"Don't leave the bus unless you have to use the bathroom, this is not a social visit, we're only here to get gas." I sat up slowly and stretched.
"Hey sleepy head, you're such a shit bus partner. The only entertainment I had was making songs out of the baseline of your snores." He smirked to himself and I slapped his chest.
"I don't snore."
"Are you sure?" He laughed.
"Yes." I noticed he had removed his zip up hoodie and placed it over me like a blanket. Suddenly my insides flushed with warmth. I traced my finger over the soft inner material and he watched me with a shy expression. "I'm keeping this one as well."
"The fuck you are." I laughed at him.
"So... are you... like... sore?" His hand rested on my thigh hidden beneath the hoodie and instantly my breath quickened. His eyes fleeted to meet mine.
"A little, not much." Subconsciously I shuffled forward a little, trying to encourage his hand to move further up.
"I just wanted to say... I get it." My brows furrowed at him. "I get why you said that." My heart collapsed, entering cardiac arrest with how damn fast it was beating. I was enjoying ignoring this, pretending it didn't happen. "People say things they don't mean when they're overcome with emotion." I twinged the bracelets on my wrist, this was awkward. "Right?"
There was something in his eyes, hope. He was asking me to clarify if I meant what I said and I was about to break his heart, again.
"Right." I answered quietly.
"Yeah, that's what I thought." I wanted to punch a hole through the window. I didn't understand why expressing my emotions verbally was so hard, yet it was near enough impossible.
The bus dialled down the winding roads, for a while we didn't speak to one another. Rejection turning the air around us a little sour. But then we slipped back into easy conversation, light flirting on his part and shared earphones which only played music from kids movies.
Arlo slung his arm over my shoulder as we walked up the driveway of the Maines residence. Everything seemed familiar to me, like I was coming home.
"They put slugs in his bed last night, Jesus it was so funny." Cam had us all laughing, doing impressions of Principal Moore. "It's on my toe! It's on my toe."
Liam unlocked the door and as we stepped into the hallway a feeling of dread washed over me, over us all. The laughter simmered down at a rapid speed and we all peered into the living room where Olivia sat looking solemn with a lady.
"Liv?" Liam asked.