A/n
Early update because I'm going to my Grandma's village tomorrow for her birthday (lol, fun fact, that's the place where I'd spent many hours imagining I would one day write a queer story set near rivers and centred around bihu. It's weird that I'm finally doing it)
Enjoy and stay tuned *facepalm*
Oh and, as usual, holler if you see errors and spam me with comments!!!!!
Ily!
Dikhou was smitten, completely and hopelessly. He could feel it crawling bit by bit with each passing day but when Junak called him one night, he knew he was absolutely fucked because he wished Junak would say something like come over, we'll make out.
It wasn't that kind of a phone call.
"THERE'S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM!"
Dikhou should've been irritated – it was past midnight and he was in the middle of his studies – but he felt a strange pleasure in knowing that, of all people, Junak called him for help.
"PLEASE COME GET RID OF IT! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE."
"Wow."
"I'M SERIOUS."
Dikhou was already up from his desk and pulling on a nicer pair of sweatpants. But over the phone, he said, "Why don't you ask Jatin?"
"He has a test tomorrow; I don't want to bother him."
"Did it occur to you that maybe I don't want to be bothered either?" He stood in front of the old full-length mirror in his room and tried fixing his hair.
Junak whined. "Will you come over already, before it slips behind the bed?"
Dikhou's reflection was grinning back at him. "Okay, give me five minutes."
"Be here in one."
Wow.
One minute later, Dikhou was standing outside Baruah koka's house with Junak – red-faced and hair all messed up – opening the door for him. "Come on, come on, come on; I hate not having location stat on it."
Junak's room was a mess. The bed was a mess of blankets and pillows that were randomly strewn, with a laptop sitting on top of it. Clothes were littered all over the bedpost and the desk chair. The table was cluttered with gadgets – cameras, headphones, a Bluetooth speaker, cables – skincare products, pebbles and dried flowers.
And there, on the wall near the window, was a large black spider.
Junak cowered near the doorway and watched, wide-eyed, as Dikhou used a random notebook to push the spider out of the window. He then closed the window panes and firmly latched them shut.
The whole ordeal barely took a minute and harmed absolutely no one, especially the human living in the room.
Junak let out a dramatic sigh of relief and walked into the room. "Thank you." He was a little wobbly on his feet and now, in the light, Dikhou noticed that his eyes were a little bloodshot.
"Are you stoned?"
Junak smiled. Instead of answering, he bent down to open a drawer underneath the desk. From there he pulled out two joints, one of which was half burnt. "Want one?"
It was either that or leaving. And Dikhou did not want to leave.
He took the unburnt joint and settled on the edge of the bed. Junak first lit his own joint, then stepped closer to light Dikhou's.
Dikhou took a puff, cringing at the thick smoke travelling down his throat. It was strong stuff, and the joint was rolled really well. Clearly by an expert hand. "Where did you even get these?"
"Jatin got them for me."
That did not sit well with Dikhou. "Next time you want illegal stuff, ask me. I don't want Jatin to get into trouble."
Junak blinked at him, smiling in a way that scared him. Or maybe the trembling of his heart had nothing to do with fear. "Okay," Junak said, then went to the laptop and pressed a key. Music flooded in immediately.
Oh, I feel like I'm running
Oh, I feel like I'm running in my...
Junak stepped away from the bed and began moving to the music. He was bobbing his head and mouthing the lyrics. Dikhou couldn't help but watch the way he held the joint between two delicate fingers – nails, that beautiful shade of orange – and the way he put it to his lips, closing his eyes to take a drag.
It took Dikhou all his strength to resist the urge to reach out and touch him.
That Junak was lazily dancing to the song was certainly not helping.
The right decision would've been to leave. But then Junak looked over, caught Dikhou staring, and instead of saying anything, he smiled devilishly and continued to move his hips to the music, singing: Boots on the ground, I'm running boots on the ground. I'm smoking way too loud, I'm feeling good high now...
Dikhou leaned back comfortably on one hand, the joint held in the other, and watched him.
Fifteen minutes later, Dikhou found himself sitting at the desk. There was an old typewriter there, discoloured and dusty. He was randomly hitting the keys, from A to Z. There was no paper behind the roller but it did not bother him.
Junak was lying on the bed, limbs spread out around him. The music had softened to some slow song, as if it was high too.
They did not talk. The typewriter kept clacking. Dikhou pressed G, then H, then forgot where he was so he started afresh on A. He frowned at the key and said, "I think I'm high."
Junak giggled. "Tell me a fun fact."
Dikhou slouched on the desk, resting his chin on his bicep. His other hand was repeatedly pressing J. "What?"
"Fun. Fact."
Dikhou racked his brain. It was all muddied. "Lightening is hotter than the sun."
"Figures. Lightening is like, really hot," Junak said dreamily.
Dikhou frowned. He sat upright and turned on his chair so he was facing the other man. Junak was twirling a muffler over his face. There was a ghost of a smile on his lips.
"Why are you high?" Dikhou straddled the chair and placed his chin on the backrest.
"Why are you high?"
"Because you handed me a joint."
Apparently, Junak found this hilarious. He giggled, then suddenly sat up and patted the bed next to him.
Who was Dikhou to decline such a tempting offer? He went and plopped down on the bed.
"I need to finish the song," Junak said, his eyes fixed at something on the wall in front of them. "But I'm suffering from a bad block."
Right. The song. His work. The reason why he was there and the only thing that was keeping him from leaving. "What is the song about?"
Junak beamed and puffed out his chest. "It's a secret. But I'll tell you if you ask."
Everything was so fuzzy, Dikhou was unable to think before acting. He sat cross-legged on the bed and faced Junak. "Tell me."
"It's a Bihu song," Junak whispered, "where a woman is singing about her love for another woman."
Dikhou's brows shot up. He wasn't really in his senses but he could tell it sounded like trouble. "Why?" he whispered back.
"Why?"
It felt like a lot of unnecessary trouble, explaining. "Why?" he repeated.
Junak frowned, then seemed to get it. He nodded. "It's for the Diamond Jury."
"What's that?"
They were whispering, Dikhou did not know why. "It's an Award. Big award. If I win, I'll be set for life."
Dikhou felt something tug at his chest, something that made him sad.
Junak sighed and fell back on the bed. He folded his arms behind his head and eyed Dikhou. "Now you."
"What?"
"Tell me a secret."
"No."
"That's not a secret."
Dikhou smiled. He felt light, like he was floating. It felt like a dream; hazy and too nice. Too precious. "Do you remember... the guys from whom you wanted help? With your music? From our village?"
Junak was smiling as he nodded.
"They... would not have helped you. They saw you online. That you are..."
"Fabulous?" Junak flipped his imaginary long hair.
Dikhou's heart ached. "You know what I mean."
Junak was eyeing him with such intensity, it made him squirm. "Is that why... you asked the guys from the other village?"
Dikhou nodded. "Those guys are nice."
"Hmm."
"They won't hurt you, I promise." He wasn't sure why he said it but he was struck by a sudden thought that Junak might get scared and leave. He did not want him to leave.
Junak was lying on his side, his cheek pressed to the bed. His eyes never flitted away from Dikhou. "So you're like my... protector?"
Dikhou rolled his eyes. "I did come and save you. From..." He momentarily forgot the name of the insect. "The spider."
Junak wriggled around the bed until he managed to pull the blanket over himself. Only his face was visible. "You also protected me from ghosts."
"Ghosts are not real." Dikhou would later blame this on the high, but the bed was right there and Junak looked so comfortable and Dikhou was starting to get tired, so he lied down on his stomach next to Junak. Keeping appropriate space between them, of course. "And spiders can't hurt you."
Junak was smirking as he shifted to offer a part of the blanket to Dikhou. It was soft and warm and smelled of Junak so Dikhou could not have refused even if he tried.
Soon, the two were lying on the bed, under the heavy blanket, facing each other.
And there's a place that I've dreamed of, a guy sang through the speakers, accompanied by soft music. Where I can free my mind...
"Your turn," Dikhou whispered. "Tell me a secret."
"Um..." Junak's face was flushed and he looked drowsy. But he was smiling. "I know you lied to me about not having an ex."
Dikhou was not expecting that. He was suddenly glad that the high had numbed most of his brain. "How did you know?"
"Jatin told me."
That bastard –
"I asked." Junak was no longer smiling. His face was over a foot away but Dikhou could still feel his warm, even breaths. "Why did you lie?"
Dikhou shrugged, or at least tried too. His body felt too heavy. "It wasn't..." He did not know how to finish that. It wasn't... what? Real? Nice? Honest? It would be wrong of him to say any of that, given he was the one who initiated the relationship and Gagori had been nothing but good to him. "It wasn't fair."
"Fair?" Junak echoed.
Dikhou did not say anything.
"Did you cheat on each other? Or something?"
"No."
"You're speaking riddles. My brain is too stoned for riddles."
"I doubt your sober brain can handle riddles either – ow!" Dikhou laughed as Junak kicked him on the shin. "Your turn."
"How is it my turn already?" Junak made a face.
Dikhou had no idea whose turn it was but he did not want to speak anymore. "It's your turn."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Okay. Um..." He played with the seam of the pillowcase. "My longest relationship..." He raised four fingers in front of Dikhou's face. "Four years," he stressed and kept his hand up until Dikhou nodded that he understood.
"Four years," he mumbled again. He put down his hand and starting tracing his finger along a pattern etched on the bedsheet. "She was cheating on me for two of those years."
He said it so softly, Dikhou almost missed it. "What?"
"I knew. But I still stayed with her. Niri doesn't know this. She'll be mad if she finds out."
"Why?"
"Niri doesn't like Sasha."
"No, I mean, why did you stay with her?"
Junak smiled through pursed lips. "Want to know the funniest thing?"
Dikhou could tell it was not going to be funny.
"She broke up with me at a party. In front of sixty people." He raised a hand again, then realised he couldn't show sixty in five fingers so he just wriggled them around.
Dikhou was not amused. "What the hell?"
Junak was behaving like it was indeed a funny story he was narrating. "She accused me of cheating on her. And she outed me in front of all those assholes." He was already speaking quietly, but lowered his voice even further and said, "Without my consent."
All the dreamy-ness of the moment transformed into a swirl of rage that Dikhou did not know what to do with. He wanted to do something; punch someone or yell at someone. Or maybe hug the man in front of him.
As if sensing Dikhou's irritation, Junak waved his hand dismissively. "It's okay. I was shitty to her too."
Dikhou was scowling now, his hands fisted.
"Oof, relax. What's the point of being high if you're... like this?"
Dikhou was unfazed. "Jun," he growled.
Junak looked amused. He rolled his eyes. "Listen. Long story short, we fought all the time. She said I never had time for her. That I left her. She doubted my friendship with Niri. And okay, she did have some point – I didn't have much time for her. I went to Delhi. And I did sort of like Niri. But that was only 'cause Sasha made me feel so terrible all the time, you know? She made me feel horrible. And she'd blame me for everything! And I mean everything. If it were up to her, she would blame me for climate change, even. I mean... I do contribute towards climate change but–"
"Jun."
"What?"
Dikhou felt Junak's gaze on him and he almost forgot his question. "Why were you still with her?"
Junak pursed his lips. He hugged himself and curled up in a foetal position. The blanket was pulled up to his chin. "Honestly?" he whispered.
Dikhou's chest was hurting. "Honestly," he whispered back.
"I thought no one else would want me."
It was like a knife was plunged into Dikhou's heart, slicing it in two. His feelings were still disoriented but he could see how Junak genuinely believed that and it hurt him so much, he could've cried. He wanted to pull Junak closer to himself and say: no! No. Are you crazy? How could someone not want you? How can you even think that?
I want you.
He did not say any of it, of course. He did not know if it was his place. He was also terrified of how Junak would react to those words.
I want you.
I want you.
I want you!
Dikhou thought he might die, from the sheer weight of his desire.
Junak had his face pressed into the pillow. "Eh. I'm over it now." He looked up, smiling. "Your turn."
Dikhou's head was still reeling. "What?"
"Tell me a secret."
It was that simple, really, to unravel him completely. Dikhou felt the words crawl up his chest, twisting its way up his throat. Junak just offered him a part of himself, a raw, honest part of himself, and the urge to return the favour was overwhelming.
And it would be so easy, to say it. Say it and be done with it.
His heart raced. He felt nauseated.
"What?" Junak was looking at him expectantly.
Dikhou willed himself to gulp down the dreaded words. Instead, he offered a safer truth; one that was no less of a secret. "I don't like it here. This place. The people."
The way Junak's eyes widened and his smile vanished was a clear indication of his surprise. He did not speak, waiting instead for Dikhou to elaborate.
Dikhou did not. He could not dare to, in fear of spilling the even bigger secret clogged at the base of his throat. "Your turn."
Junak looked like he wanted to argue but then he let out a soft sigh. His lips curled into a smile again.
I want you.
Dikhou was sure he was going to lose his mind. That everything around him – the pillow, the blanket, the bed – smelled of Junak did not help calm his senses.
It would be so easy, in a way. Junak was right in front of him. So close.
As if knowing what he was thinking, Junak raised a hand and extended it. Dikhou froze. He forgot to suck in air as he watched those beautiful fingers get closer and closer.
Junak stretched out his index finger and flicked Dikhou's nose. "I like it here," he whispered. "This place. The people."
Dikhou's breath hitched as he watched Junak break into a smirk, his teeth biting into his lower lip.
No.
Junak couldn't possibly mean what Dikhou was thinking, right?
No possible way. No. Dikhou was just very, very high.
He turned his face away and stared up at the ceiling. His cheeks were burning and his stomach was a mess of jitters.
Junak, that beautiful bastard, was laughing. "Your turn."
Everything about it was so blissful, so perfect, so warm and safe, Dikhou knew that this was his once in a lifetime chance. If he did not say it now, he would never ever be able to.
And he wanted to. He wanted to say it. He couldn't bear the weight of it anymore.
Dikhou placed a trembling hand over his heart that was close to bursting out of his chest. He was going to be sick.
"I'm gay."
A great silence followed. Like the world had sucked in a deep breath and was holding it in. Even the music seemed to have stopped playing.
Dikhou, on the other hand, was able to taste air for the first time in a long time. The knot in his chest loosened, and though he was shaking and breathing heavily, it was like the weight of the whole damn world had lifted off of him.
Mustering up what was left of his courage, he turned his head to the side.
Junak was staring at him with wide eyes and a brilliant smile on his lips. When he felt Dikhou's gaze on him, the smile widened, revealing his teeth.
And then he said the single craziest thing ever: "I'm glad."