I submitted this short story for a national anthology submission panel a few years ago. It was not chosen to be a part of the collection. Therefore, I am able to post it online for free for readers to enjoy. This does have some T/W for Homophobia. Lastly, I wrote this in one sitting, the day before the closing deadline!
When I think of the word Pride, I think of many things: Celebration, joy, happiness. But when I remember that not everything in my world is colourful, I turn to the one place that allows me to be myself. The cafe nearest to my house, the place of safety, warmth and the temptation to sip a variety of hot drinks before I have to make the journey back home. I wanted to watch that documentary, the one where two young people travel to places around the world to visit those living in the Queer communities. Why? Because I, sixteen year old Gemma Devons, identifies herself as Queer. However, living with a family that doesn't understand my place in the LGBTQIA+ community, I have to be careful what I watch on the family TV and what internet searches I make on the home computer.
Up until recently, I hadn't really thought about falling in love. I had witnessed first-hand my closet friends, texting me till the early hours of the morning. Those messages were long, ones that spoke of passion and excitement. Only to receive an update the following day, with crying emojis to say that actually, it wasn't really true love. Events were being planned in my hometown to mark Pride, the first in a long while. Lots of young people and support workers in the community were putting on events, sort of like a long carnival. But really, it was just a short walk down the high street with lots of us planning to wave the flag, the rainbow, the one that I really have been tempted to place on the bedroom wall. For fear of my closet family discovering it, I haven't been able to do so. So yes, there was me, sixteen, never been kissed, never been on a date. Instead, I was the girl who always had to carry a box of tissues around the school corridors to comfort my friends with their broken hearts. I'm not used to being the one crying, rather the one trying to stop the crying.
It was luck of the draw in my view, that events of Pride started to get planned so soon after Valentine's Day. The shop on the corner, created a beautiful display of photos and decorations to celebrate the upcoming events. I snapped a quick photo on my iPhone which sits proudly in my photos still. I like to look at it daily, the pictures of couples holding hands and kissing on city streets as from all around, the clapping of hands and the carrying of banners fits the scene well. Many people care, many people are part of this community. Many, like me, have a near silent voice. That was, until I met the one that changed all that.
Three days after the big 14th February events, it was a cold, damp morning as I made the walk to school. Not far away from my front door, so there wasn't any excuse in not being there. On this morning however, I wasn't there. A group of teens, all on their mountain bikes and smoking fags, started badmouthing about a girl I used to know from school. She had been a lesbian, fallen in love with another girl, bullied online and then, she took her own life. It was one remark from one of the taller boys that startled me the most.
"Anyone else like her, just aren't welcome in this world."
I physically stopped dead in my tracks as my gaze rested towards the laughing teens. The next minute, I could smell burning coming from the park gate, they were trying to burn one of the rainbow flags!
Where they got it from, I had no idea but soon, I was running, determined not to look back in case they were planning to chase me. Pounding heart, the heavens suddenly started to bucket down with heavy rain. Where could I go for some shelter? Anxious thoughts crisscrossed my mind, until one place came into view. My favourite cafe. The only issue was this: Would they turn me away because I wasn't at school?
There was only one way to find out, I had to go in and see for myself.
On pushing open the door, my nostrils were immediately hit with the fresh scent of coffee. There were other customers in there either drinking or working on laptops. Luckily, my laptop was tucked away safety in my rucksack. Well, it was an old laptop belonging to a close friend of my family that I managed to nab before he sold it off to someone else. But, I'm not a thief, just trying to... fit in...If you count me hiding away from horrid teens a method to fit in. Taking off my soaked raincoat and brushing the tips of my soggy hair, I plonked myself down at a table away from preying eyes of passers-by. Plugging my laptop in, I logged onto my blog. A hidden secret of mine that up until this moment of writing this memory to share, I hadn't told a single soul what I was doing behind the scenes. Inspired by the upcoming film Love Simon, I created a personal blog of me as a Queer teen, living my life each day and just moments of positive events that happened in the community. The blog does have somewhat of a following but there are the moments when a troll comes along, spewing hate in the comments section which really makes me sigh with frustration.
On a quick pause from typing up a new post, I realised that I hadn't even ordered a drink for myself. Gemma, how dumb was that?! But taking slow, deep breaths, I made my way to the counter to make an order. Until, the panic when the wallet I carried my change around, suddenly felt lighter than normal. It wasn't in my pocket! If I was sitting down in the cafe working, I had to order something which was the written rule pinned to the side of the counter by the displays of cakes. I felt mortified. Slowly, my fingers started to tremble with fear, I wasn't ready to be thrown out of a cafe just because I had no change for a drink. Blinking back tears, I sat back down and thumped my head down onto the table. Eyes closed, all darkness. That was how I felt regularly. Alone, afraid of being spat on and called names.
My senses went silent for a moment, I could no longer hear the scraping back of chairs as customers got up to leave, or the banging of the coffee machine grinding the beans. Dejected, unwanted and decidedly stupid. Then, a gentle tap on my shoulder suddenly woke me up from my horrid daydreams. There was something on my table...A cup of coffee with a heart drawing on the bubbles. I blinked once, twice in confusion. Had this drink been placed onto my table by accident? Until a note decided to stick out from under the cup which caught my attention. I was curious now more than puzzled, I had seen Nancy Drew the movie hundreds of times, but personally hadn't solved any mystery. This note and drink next to me was a complete surprise. As I unfolded the note under the table, the written words started to speak across to me.
Hey,
I personally don't know you but for a while now, you come into the cafe either with your headphones on or laptop on display. Just would like to say thanks for stopping by and for supporting us by visiting. Also, I love your blog!
BA
BA? British Airways was the first thing that came to mind after it matched the abbreviation at the bottom of the short note. But I giggled with amusement, this note had nothing to do with airplanes or airports. But someone seemed to know about my blog, and mentioned about supporting the cafe... an employee! Aha! Nancy Drew would have been proud of me (maybe), I know she's a fictional character but in my mind, I could picture her smiling towards me, thumbs up with delight that I could prove myself in this world by completing an important task. This employee now must have seen me on a number of occasions, sitting down and updating my blog. But who? Was it a guy...? That was my first thought that came to mind. But at this cafe, there were no male baristas. So, it must be a girl responsible, praying that this note and drink was not a horrible prank and involving the teens from before.
But still, I sipped and sipped as the words flowed somewhat steadily onto the document. I was determined to spread the love and passion around for the community and Pride, but not revealing who I really was to the world definitely was the key to everything I do online. Anyone of my family could find my blog which would signal the beginning of the end most likely. I continued to type and sip until the kitchen clock by the wall ticked up to 12. 12PM! I had been sitting down for three solid hours typing and missed a whole morning of classes. What an idiot.
Blushing like fury, I packed up my things and prepared to leave. Grading to a halt when an idea struck me. Why don't I write a note back? You know, just to try and be friendly. Pen in hand, I turned the original note round and wrote these words on the back.
Hey BA,
Thanks for supporting my blog, I really appreciate it. Love coming to the cafe and getting my coffee as I type, I'm Gemma by the way. Feel free to chat to me soon!
Yours, G
I tucked the note back under the cup as I raced towards the school campus, cursing under my breath. I had GCSE exams coming up, missing important tasks would really not help me at all with trying to achieve my target grades. Family at home were now bound to find out about my absence since it was so late in the day and no-one had called in about me.
That afternoon and evening were hell, having to apologise to what felt like hundreds of people all at once, for being absent and missing work. Before I had my laptop taken away, I quickly slipped away into the bedroom to lock the door and collect my thoughts. I bet my Dad would change the Wi-Fi password now I had broken the rules of the household. The good news was that I could still use mobile data to check for messages on my blog, sure enough, a new one from an anonymous user popped up.
Thanks for the note earlier, it's nice to meet you G, want to hang out tomorrow at the café?
I gasped out loud as my now active fingers started to type out a quick response.
You're welcome BA, would love to hang out tomorrow. Hoping I don't accidentally miss a class again, G.
Whoops, I didn't mean to let it slip to the internet that I played truant from school. Rebel sixteen year old girl hides in local cafe, I can see that headline now flashed across the local news. Myself ending up as a laughing stock, what would my Grandma say? She would side with my parents most likely and agree that my privileges should be taken away.
The following morning was when everything changed for me. I left early to avoid any shouting and made a beeline for the cafe. First in the queue and peeping through the glass windows, desperate to see who would walk in and put on an apron. An older lady, the manager I guessed, unlocked the door allowing me access into the shop. Once again, still no wallet but hoping that this BA could help me out. Wondering, questioning, my stomach in knots. Finally, after what felt like hours, my eyes locked towards a young barista who made her way slowly towards my table.
I nearly dropped my phone in shock, she looked very pretty in her polo shirt and leggings, single silver studs in her ears and a beautiful smile as she collected empty cups of coffee from nearby tables. Something from deep within me clicked, love at first sight is a cliché according to my close family. I think that instant love makes you feel warm, radiant which hopefully, the crush picks up on and then chats to you. BA, this girl who I was now convinced to be the note writer and the one who provided me with the free drink turned towards me and froze.
You could honestly hear a pin drop within the cafe, with the small size as well to contend with. I felt my cheeks getting warmer and an awkward grin slipped from the corners of my jaw. Picking up on the hint, she took a chair from another table and sat next to me, legs close to touching each other.
"Um, hi?" I whispered to her as the corner of my eye kept watch on the time shown on the clock.
She smiled back at me, "Hi, you're Gemma right?"
I flopped back into my chair with a mixture of relief and excitement, "Yes, you are the mysterious BA!"
Giggling, she nodded back, "Got it in one, but the BA stands for barista and not my actual initials."
"Let me guess..." I started to say but she interrupted me with a flourish.
"It's actually LJ, Lizzie Jacobs." she whispered back as her manager returned to the counter to serve a customer.
"It's nice to meet you Lizzie... Um, this is really rude of me to ask but how old are you?" I spoke with baited breath.
"It's alright, I'm sixteen. Nearly seventeen actually. Been working at the cafe here for a while but..." she paused briefly, glancing around to double check that no-one else from behind the counter could see her.
"I'm sixteen too but just about to leave school." I added, "Exams are the worst though, and my blog was a way of escaping all of that."
"That's such a great thing to do, you write really well. And... I'm Queer as well." she replied back, her gaze never leaving mine.
For the first time in years, I felt this little spark of happiness suddenly burst into my bloodstream. What a way to meet someone close to your age and finding out that they are Queer too. The best surprise anyone could ever experience.
"I need to go to school soon, but thanks for yesterday, I really appreciate it." I quickly replied as I spotted a badge on her polo shirt pocket.
She could tell I was staring at it as she held it close towards me, "This badge is one I made for the Pride parade down the high street. You going to it tonight?"
My hands immediately smacked the side of my face, "No! I forgot all about it."
"Don't worry, I'll meet you after school and we can go down together, up for it?" she asked with trembling hands.
After a second's thought, I nodded, "I'm up for it."
When the final class came to an end, I never felt so keen to get out of the stuffy classroom and find Lizzie. Sure enough, there was standing by the gates without her apron but wearing her badge with pride.
"You ready?" she whispered into the depths of my ear.
I shivered, "Of course, just not sure what to expect, that's all."
Close to arrival at the high street, I suddenly felt something warm place itself into the palm of my hand. Lizzie's hand. Turning my face towards her, I could guess instantly that she was happy to find someone to become close too. She certainly didn't leave my mind at all during classes, no thinking of the final exams. Just... Her...
Crowds gathered on the pavements and in the road, banners on display, kids running around chasing each other. I felt my grip on Lizzie's hand suddenly tighten, as if she never wanted me to let her go. I didn't want to either. The parade began as we walked alongside young and old, couples and friends, all together and all filled with joy. My blog post was going to be full of comfort and acceptance later on, I could tell. But the magic truly happened later on as the walking was ending, Lizzie and I continued on hand in hand until the group stopped close to the park gates where that remark came from the teen boy. She pulled me into the park and over towards a big, oak tree that was shy of leaves (winter sucks, personal opinion). Breathless, she placed a note into my hands and started to walk away from me.
Frowning, I unfolded the note to the most beautiful words anyone had ever said to me.
Gemma, would you be the sparkle to my world, the warmth to my frozen life and the girl I'd love to call mine? Lizzie x
There were two options: Either I yell back or reply to the note. I couldn't find the words to speak, so I wrote instead.
Lizzie, I would love to be the sparkle to your world, the warmth to your 'coffee' life and be your girl. Gemma x
I shyly ran up behind her and tucked the note into her polo shirt pocket. Flashing a nervous grin, she unfolded the note and read my words over and over again. As the sunlight started to fade away into darkness, we quickly cuddled during the frozen wind chill. Neither of us caring about being told off by others for not returning home on time, we were busy and having a good time together. That's all we could ever ask for.
All thanks to a stupid remark, a free coffee and a small note, I had found my true happiness, a barista's love in the form of Lizzie, who now stays by my side everyday. The flash of colour into my dark world that I dreamt about but thought would never happen to me.