the funeral was today. instead of attending what was mandatory, i lied in bed. Elliot thinks i'm starting to form a cold, i think the symptoms are sadness, he thinks they're side effects from being in the rain for too long.
i didn't check the time, i didn't even pick up my phone. instead, i decided that once Elliot had gone to work i'd get dressed. i wanted to go on a long-awaited trip. so i dressed of sweatpants and a scrawny hoodie, i dressed of shoes that had been overworn.
the hoods under my eyes growing pink as i sighed picking up the car keys.
—
i walk through the grassland. Tombstones surrounding the area and i started to wonder if it would've been disrespectful to walk over them. giving my full condolences to the once's i'd felt i mistreated on my way to you.
i sit with my knees bent forward, my feet maintaining a balance as my butt barely touches the ground. "hey, i brought you your favorite flowers." i whisper looking down at your name engraved at my sight. instead of waiting for a reply i lay the lavenders softly onto the dirt. "i miss you." i whisper.
"i know it may seem selfish, coming here after hearing about dad. that's pretty selfish huh?" i release a hurt humorless chuckle at my own comment. "me and Elliot are still together, you told me that we'd work out. i use to wonder if you were right..."
"he's the best thing that ever happened to be after you." my voice breaks and my head drops.
"my adopted mother still worries, she thinks that i might have consistent night terrors which cause me not to sleep, she puts me on a lot of meds." i confess through a short second of silence. "i mean i'm not complaining though, i can tell she really cares."
"dad's dead." i look around avoiding the grave as though you were actually there to see me. i can imagine your tired expression coming to a gloom at the thought. that's just how you were, no matter how much you hated that man, you still couldn't find it in your heart not to love him.
"i know you tried so hard to get me out of that environment. thank you, momma." a strained tear releases from the corner of my eye and my vision starts to come to a blur. "i love you so much, one day i'll tell my children about how you taught me how to paint, or write, or read, or play the piano." i exclaim halfheartedly cheerful.
"one day you'll be able to endure the love you always deserved. i promise."
—
"so where did you visit?" Elliot questions as i play with the food on my plate. "what do you mean?" i ask looking up at him. "you didn't put the keys back on the hanger." he says pulling them up with his index finger. i smirk as they dangle together. "yeah you're right i didn't. i talked to my mom today, you know the deceased one." i confess straightforward.
i can tell Elliot was struggling to read my expression so i gave a weak smile of reassurance to depict any negative expectations from his head. "it was... refreshing." i confess in a hushed tone looking directly into his eyes.
without words, he gets up from his chair across from the dinner table. leaning down to get closer to me. he brushes his fingers against the tinted skin hanging underneath my eyes, kissing them very softly. "you have no clue how proud i am of you." he replies. his hands caress my tinder skin, his arms pulling me into a soft embrace.
"you're my reason to live," he whispers, a flood of tears corrupting my eyes as i think of the following day that i had struggled to meet those exact words.
"you're my reason to live too."
the end. シ