I have loved you and no longer recognize myself. I have loved you when we were just an idea.
"We need to talk." Liam was waiting for Zara when she pulled into the parking lot. Maria drove, per usual; and if the conversation Saturday about Liam flattered her sister at all, she didn't show it. She watched her sister for a tell, any indication that she was interested in him, but nothing. In fact, she walked past him without a second glance.
Liam matched their pace. When they entered the hallowed halls of this educational establishment, he grabbed her arm and led her into a nearby classroom. She observed a student sitting in a chair with a book open in front of him. By the looks of it he was a Freshman. If she had to guess, he was cramming for some test.
She turned back to Liam. His hand fit around her arm like a vice, without the force. "Excuse me. Do you mind letting go my arm?"
The annoyance she felt for Liam on Saturday was rising with the bile in the back of her throat. The more she thought about it, the more angry she became at him, so angry in fact she could practically spit venom. "You could have texted back."
Why did she care? She couldn't answer that. She didn't know.
Her face felt pinched. She scrunched face together, and her mother's voice rang in her mind. "Don't squint so much Zara. That's the beginning of fine lines and wrinkles. If you are going to earn any, make them laugh lines."
She tried to relax the muscles in her face. She tried to appear calm again. "You could have texted back."
"What are you talking about?"
Remain calm. Don't let him goad you. "You left me on read all weekend."
"Oh. That." Liam dropped her arm. He leaned against the desk like he had no where to go. He looked over his shoulder at the Freshman. "Do you need to do that here? You've heard of the library, right?"
"This is my class." This kid was ballsy.
"Not now it isn't."
The kid had a look of challenge, squaring his shoulders while facing Liam. He stood up, and with the lack of facial hair, all you could see was his long breakable limbs stretching to unbelievable lengths. It was enough to make him question his own ability, as told by the tight bob of his Adam's apple. Liam was a long way from the early days of puberty.
They both waited for him leave. He took his time closing the book, opening his back pack stuffed with every book he'd need for everyday until the end of the semester. Then the pencil. Then the pen. Now he checked his phone, which he pulled out of a back pocket only to put it in again.
"Come on man. I'm loosing patience." Liam's back was to the kid, but Zara watched him. He flipped Liam off behind his back. She couldn't help smirking at the kid's defiance.
Finally the door closed behind the Freshman. They both waited for a moment longer, until Zara began, "You're a Senior this year. You're off to college."
"So."
"Why do you care about my sister now? It doesn't make sense."
Her throat felt tight. She was becoming uncomfortable talking to Liam about her sister. The fact that he arrived early to speak with her about Maria was a tell. It was pathetic that he knew her schedule, and that he made it his mission to wake up early to confront her about it now.
"Why did you talk to your sister about me? That wasn't our deal." His eyes narrowed.
"We didn't have a deal, remember? You ghosted me." She bit her bottom lip, using every effort not to scrunch into her suck-the-lemon face.
"I was busy." They both looked towards the door. Outside the classroom there was a rising noise of students. Liam looked at the clock on the wall.
"We better wrap this up before this room is inundated with more Freshman punks."
"Fine. Just so you know, Maria doesn't suspect anything." She decided to twist the knife of her words a little to the right of his heart, "She doesn't think about you at all."
She didn't know why it gave her so much pleasure to see the cloud of doubt pass before his eyes, or why she wanted Liam to feel rejection. Maybe because she felt like this her whole life; second best. Never most popular. And here he was, the sun god of her school. He shined, while everyone bent to his will. To take that away was power she'd never known.
"It doesn't matter. I'm sure she doesn't tell you everything. You're like an annoying younger sibling." He smirked, the cloud passed. He was beaming.
Zara wanted to stab him in the eye with a number 2 pencil, unsharpened so it would cover more surface area. She'd twist it deep into the core of his brain to make him feel something like humility, shame, regret. It had to be buried somewhere deep within him.
She kept her voice low, and calm. "You know nothing about my relationship with my sister. We're close. We're best friends."
"Really? I thought she was your chauffeur. I mean, after what happened last year."
Zara reached into her bag and searched for something to throw. Something heavy. At the bottom she found, not something heavy, but hard plastic. Without thinking she chucked the plastic box at Liam's head. He ducked, and it smashed into the whiteboard behind him.
In perfect timing the door opened and the first group of students entered. She was so furious she left the room, not even bothering to pick the cracked box. She slammed past Liam, hitting his rock hard shoulder on her way out.
She pushed past her classmates in the hallway. Everyone was jockeying to their first class as the bell was set to ring. It felt like she was fleeing the scene of a crime. Her first class was World History. She tunneled through to the door, but not before she ran smack into the second worst Darling in the world, Tiffany.
"Watch it."
She looked up at Tiffany, and even though they nearly collided head to head, Tiffany wasn't looking at her, but beyond her. Zara looked over her shoulder and saw him. Liam, just standing in the middle of the hall staring after her.
"Forget it. I've got to get to class."
"Whatever. Running into people is totally your m.o."
After that, Zara tried to avoid any contact with Liam, but the more she tried the more she would see him everywhere. The only thing that made things worse was that each time she would see him with Nathaniel. One she loathed, and loved the other.
When she walked into the cafeteria she looked for a tucked away corner. Even though her sister was more strategically studious, she was a reader. And with a book in her hand, she found the best imaginable spot, a forgotten table behind a plastic fern.
"Do you mind?"
Zara looked up to see her sister with a tray of food. "What's wrong? Library closed?"
"No. I'm just famished. Normally I' wait to eat when we get home, but I couldn't today." She took a sip of an apple juice out of a straw and looked sideways at Zara. Then said, "What's wrong?"
Her sister seemed different. It was as if she was looking out from behind all those books and seeing the world for the first time in a long time, like she was seeing her sister. She wanted to tell Maria about Liam, about the nightmare morning. If she did that she would have to tell her why.
She couldn't risk it. Liam might not keep the deal about Nathanial if she did. Maria was the only card she had on the table. She felt horrible keeping it from her, but it was the truth.
She picked at the sandwich she brought from home. "Nothing. Just behind on some homework." She ate a small bite of it, and set it down again not picking it up again.
"You know you should study more." Maria moved some peas around on her plate. She hated being reminded of studying from the homework queen. It was galling. They continued on in silence.
"Hey Maria." Nathaniel said. "Do you mind if I sit here?" He was looking at Maria, but he looked over at Zara, and she was sure when he looked at her he didn't remember her.
"You don't mind, do you Zara?"
"No, that's fine."
He sat down next to Maria, and slid his tray next to hers, sitting sideways as he faced her. "I was wondering if you have a copy of the vocab list for French class? I seemed to have misplaced mine."
Zara tried not to stare. Past him, in her periphery stood Liam, watching. His smirk glowed from 15 feet away. How she wished she had something else to throw at him. If it wasn't for Nathaniel sitting there she would consider the pudding.
Knots twisted in her stomach. She began to feel sick. She got up from the table without saying anything. "I have to go."
She could see her sister start to get up, but something in her face must have kept her from following her. She dumped her lunch into the trash. She spent the rest of the day in the girls bathroom cursing Liam, and plotting her revenge.