ALREADY GONE
sleeping at last
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It was Tuesday, the day after Azriel had poured his thoughts down on Nyx like a bucket of ice-cold water. He was at his locker, lazily dumping his books in and grabbing the ones he needed.
As Layla Dean stood annoyingly close to him while he did so, taking every chance to glue herself to his side, Azriel had to constantly remind himself that Layla was a girl. He had a rule about not hitting girls.
If it had been a boy that had irritated him as much as this girl did, the poor kid would've surely gone back home with a broken nose.
"You know," Layla began, "there's a rumor about you and that loner girl. Someone saw you two come back from the woods a lot later than everyone else,"
Too bored to pay exclusive attention to her, Azriel commented dryly, "Oh, so there was at least one person not taking part in your fuckery from the lake that night? That's a surprise since, you know, everyone here has the same rotten brains that are terrifyingly hopeless if not functioning together,"
Layla stiffened at his words.
"Why do you let her hang around you and Warren so much? You can do so much better than that girl constantly lingering everywhere you go," she accused and advised.
Rolling his eyes in indignation, Azriel dismissed, "I don't know what you're talking about."
"You don't?" The increase in Layla's pitch caught the attention of by-passers who shamelessly walked slower to listen further, some even finding an excuse to stop. "That weirdo, you seem to enjoy her company a lot. Is she making you soft, or is she just an easy fuck?"
Azriel's eyes snapped down to the snowy blonde, and it was a surprise how the raging fire of his blue flecks wasn't burning through her solid jade ones.
"What did you just say?" His voice was deeper than ever, warning her to back off.
Too lost in the standards that the world had set for her, the veiled vision repressed her sensitivity and simply smirked, realizing that she was winning a battle she hadn't intended on starting.
"Don't tell me she's just your friend. The only friend you're capable of having is Warren Hudson. She's obviously giving you something for you to allow her to stick around as much as she does, that loser."
Was she implying that I'm using Nyx for a damn fuck? Azriel thought, hating it.
Taking a threatening step closer to Layla, the raven monster slammed his locker shut. The iciness of his gaze finally sent a shiver down the girl's spine, making her gulp and stay in her place.
"Just because I'm not responding positively to your constant attempts at bedding me doesn't mean you can go and make absurd conclusions about me, even if it fucking eases the sting of being told no," His tone, though calm, shook with anger.
The green in Layla's eyes widened in embarrassment. Her hands formed into fists by her side, glossy lips quivering with all the strength she was using to keep herself from breaking right there.
"You're an asshole," she spat at the boy in front of her, seeing in him so many of the mistakes she'd made.
Having surrendered himself to the world long ago, Azriel dropped a one-sided smile, "Never said I wasn't."
"But, Layla," he continued, "it's only because you've always given me a reason to be one. I've been telling you to leave me alone as gently as possible but you just can't get a fucking hint. So here's me telling you in the only language you'll ever understand - get the fuck out of my face,"
Azriel would've felt a pinch of guilt if he'd said those things to her without any real reason, but he felt the bulk of his pent up memories, the ones he'd spent so long locking up, struggle to resurface every time she touched him in any way even after making it clear that he didn't want her to.
It brought back every tingle he'd previously felt that now felt like a painful itch.
The veiled vision reminded him so much of the girl he'd left behind but not forgotten. How could he have? There was a lot of him that he'd offered her, a lot that she'd taken, parts of him that she could never return.
The raven-haired boy turned around, not wanting to stare into Layla's stunning eyes that he'd made watery, and made his way down the hallway, trying his best to get away from her and everybody who stood watching.
A few steps ahead and his feet came to an immediate halt as he stared at the familiar figure standing at a distance from him.
Nyx took a deep breath and walked over to Azriel, neither of them breaking eye contact.
"Hey," she greeted, no trace of the smile that he'd gotten fond of on her lips.
He rolled his eyes in reply, feeling himself choking underneath the growing tug of guilt that shot at his chest.
She had given him no reason, no cause for him to treat her the way he did, he knew that, and that's why he despised every second of doing so.
The only reason why he wasn't giving in was because of the small, yet dominating voice in his head that kept reminding him why he needed to resist.
"You were wrong," Nyx said, voice steady and face lacking emotion.
It hurt Azriel to look at the girl who'd always be smiling around him do no such thing today.
"I'm not the only one that's running from something, but only you're the one hiding. You're hiding from yourself, from who you could be, because you're too scared to let go of what you're forcing yourself to become. And you know what? Nothing is worse than having to cower away from yourself,"
Azriel listened quietly, wanting to hear her voice for what he assumed was the last time.
In some abandoned corner of his mind, the boy knew she was right - he was hiding from himself, from all that he could be.
"It's not because I'm lonely, it's not because I'm the one with the emptiness,"
Azriel immediately knew that she was referring to his words from yesterday. He stayed still as she carried on.
Taking a confident step closer to him, Nyx revealed, "It's because I don't want anyone else to be as alone as I am, I don't want them to be in my place. It's because I want to be able to fill their empty place so that, just for those handfuls of moments that they forget their void, they don't feel as hollow as I do."
Everything she said, everything about her sincerity processed through Azriel's mind over and over again till it all made a lasting scar in his memory. He just stood there, losing himself in her beautiful eyes, wanting to be there and nowhere else.
That was until he realized that everybody around them was listening, prying, watching.
Layla Dean's words echoed in the back of his head, clear like a cloudless sky. She thought he was going soft for a girl, everyone thought he was giving himself over to a girl, to Nyx Hayden.
That couldn't happen, he wasn't going to let it.
Nobody was going to crumble beneath his walls, his guard wasn't about to break for anyone. It had taken too many torn parts of his soul to build it, he couldn't let it go in vain.
Whatever he did next, he did it with every bone of his screaming at him for being horrible to the only girl trying so hard for him, begging for him to do otherwise.
Azriel's gaze turned into the frostiest glare that Nyx had ever seen, so cold it was that it forced her a step back.
She noticed how the warm hazel of his eyes was being dominated by the bitter blue in them.
Her heart broke.
He was detaching himself yet again. After all that progress that she thought they'd made.
"Great," Azriel snapped, adding as much venom in his tone as he could muster, "Are you done? Do I need to fucking applaud you?"
He hated himself the instant the neutrality on Nyx's face cast down into a frown.
But, the raven monster did what he was best at - masking his emotions and pretending to never have recognized the way he felt around the nyctophile.
He stepped closer to her, meaning for it to be intimidating, feigning distaste. He had to let everyone know that he wasn't going soft for anybody no matter how bad he felt about it.
All he wanted for her to do was either hit him like he deserved, or walk away to someplace far from him so that he wouldn't have to force himself to say another meaningless hard word to her.
"Why are you doing this?" Nyx's voice was a whisper when she asked.
The dulled ambers of her eyes almost made him crumble.
Because the weight of the world is too much to bear.
He wanted to confess , feeling burdened with this world leering at every move he made. How could he hold himself up with his own sky falling?
Ignoring all the good in him, Azriel fisted his hand, not blinking even once as he said, "I've been telling you this since the first damn time I met you, you just don't want to accept the crystal clear hint. I don't want you. I don't fucking care about you or your reasons. Quit following me around. Find yourself some real friends - you obviously don't have any,"
Every word that fell from the boy's lips was a harder jab at Nyx's heart than the one before. Tears clouded her sight, Azriel saw it, but she didn't let them slip.
The tightening of Azriel's fists wasn't because he was annoyed at her, no. It was because of how mad he was at himself.
Gathering every last bit of whatever strength he had left, Azriel raised his left hand and held it in Nyx's face. "Don't fucking come near me again," he growled, giving her the finger.
He couldn't afford to spend another second standing there, afraid that if he stayed to look at how disappointed and sad she felt, he'd take it all back in a heartbeat, consequences be damned.
Right before turning the corner, Azriel glanced over his shoulder at what he left behind when he heard twisted, hungry laughter. Students had formed a half-circle around Nyx, pointing at her, taunting and teasing, making comments.
With his crimson fists balled, the raven monster left, knowing that if he turned back around, he'd beat them all bloody.
Nyx Hayden stood motionless in her spot, her mind was too fogged up with Azriel and his words to listen or react to what her peers were saying about her. She couldn't help but feel like the boy hadn't meant what he said to her, but she was tired of walking on unsteady waters.
For the first time in her life, the nyctophile didn't know how to walk away from something that had deeply hurt her.
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