Wilhelm
The suitcase is propped open on the floor of my dorm room, and I'm pacing the room breathlessly, in the decision of what to pack for the upcoming trip that's fast approaching. I'm in careful deliberation and since I've put off packing for this trip for so long, it's scary to even begin.
When mom got wind of the excursion, she encouraged it despite what I thought she would've done. Over the phone, she told me she was 'proud' that I was 'moving forwards' and taking 'initiative' for my life and academics. I should've been mad at those condescending words, but I was so starved of parental validation that her words were almost sweet in my ears.
Hillerska is known to be a school of elites, housing daughters and sons of affluent families across the world. The school administration had assured everyone that security will be tight and extra cautious for the safety of the students. Knowing my conspicuous status, my bodyguards will be practically holding my hand throughout the entire time in Italy. It should sound unappealing, but simply thinking about strolling through the streets of Florence with Simon, gelatos in our hands is enough to make me overlook the inevitable negatives.
In the midst of the daydreaming and throwing t-shirts into the open suitcase, I didn't hear Sara inching the door open and coming into my room.
"Wilhelm."
Looking up and startled, I find her leaning against the desk staring at me expectantly. I find her presence peculiar because we aren't close and have never spoken to each other alone before. I wonder if something had happened to Simon.
"Hey, Sara!" I stand up, my hand still clutching the shirt I'm in the middle of folding.
"Hello." She appears bored, and I cast an assumption that Simon isn't in immediate danger like I previously thought.
"What are you doing here?" I ask her when she doesn't follow up with her polite greeting.
"What's going on with you and Simon?"
"What do you mean?" Continuing with my task, I hope to appear nonchalant and not like I've been obviously confronted.
"Are you guys still together?" Sara questions me, her directness is a surprise.
"Uhm," I debate the answer, but given her history with August, she definitely isn't one of the people I would consider confiding in. "No... I thought you knew we broke things off."
"I did know that."
I laugh lightly, hoping to sound calm but instead, it comes out tinted with nervousness. "Then what's the problem-?"
"It's odd, you know, how Simon seems to be so happy about it. I guess I didn't think he would be like that, considering how heartbroken he was."
Sara's words dig into me painfully despite how unreal they are. I have to restrain myself from turning around and proving to her that everything she and everyone else believes in is a well-orchestrated act. Inhaling slowly, I feel my heart jolt irregularly in my chest. "I make everything too complicated... I'm sure he's relieved I'm not placing all these burdens and rules upon him any more."
"You're right," she says without a hint of expression. "You're not good for him."
"What?" I can't help but say, feeling the sudden hints of insecurity and hurt creeping up upon me. "Did you always think that?"
"You caused him a lot of pain."
"When?" I browse my mind throughout our first few months together last year, and I didn't think Simon had told her all of our little fights and problems. Does his mom also think that I'm not good for him? That I was never good for him? A part of me died a little when he left.
Her eyes dig into mine accusatively. "When you left."
"It's not like I had a choice," I defend myself. Did she think I wanted to leave willingly? That I was the one making decisions for myself? Did anyone know how I told him I loved him and got nothing but empty sentences in return?
"You didn't know what he was like," Sara argues.
"And you thought I wasn't feeling the same?"
She shrugs. "Well, I don't know?"
"Don't blame me for this, Sara. Have you forgotten what you've kept from your own brother?"
"I made a deal with August."
"Why would anyone in their right mind make a deal with August?"
"You don't have any idea what it's like being someone different," Sara narrows her eyes, and I falter a bit. "We couldn't even afford to board like everybody else, it's like we're outsiders. Anyway, why didn't you tell Simon then? If it was such a big deal because I betrayed my brother like what you're saying - then you're worse than me," she challenges.
When I don't reply, she continues.
"You were a coward, Wilhelm. My brother deserved more."
"Maybe you should go," I say suddenly, unable to meet her eyes because of the sudden pang of anger and emptiness that's starting to affect me. I don't want to argue with her anymore, not when she doesn't even know what she's saying.
"Sorry, I didn't mean that."
"It's okay."
"I'll see you on the Italy trip," her voice is softer now.
"Yeah." And the door clicks shut.
***
When I was younger, the greatest unsolved mystery of the universe at the time was whether the light inside the fridge dims when I close the doors. I distinctly remember holding the grey doors with precision, my face against the cold surface, eyes open to peek between the cracks to uncover whether the light turned off when I closed the door. Spoiler alert, they did.
I grab the only thing available on the shared kitchen counter in the Forest Ridge house. It's a little past twelve at night, and I found myself hungry after all the packing and useless arguments. It's a Saturday night, and most boys are in the common room having a drink or two discreetly because getting caught by the teachers is the last thing August would want to happen.
"Wille!"
Turning around from where I'm leaning against the counter, I spot Simon poking his head around the door curiously. I wave, my mouth full of the plate of the cookies someone hoarded from breakfast this morning.
"What are you doing here?" Simon proceeds to ask, and he appears to be fresh out of the shower because his hair is still dripping droplets of water.
"I can ask you the same thing." I debate if I should tell him about my conversation with Sara, but he seems to be in a brilliant mood at this moment and I don't want to selfishly ruin it.
He approaches where I'm standing and takes a cookie from the plate. "I thought you were in the common room and I was going to go find you."
"So you missed me."
"Maybe."
Our shoulders deliberately touching in the dim light of the kitchen, our conversation brings my mind away from the darkness it was drowning in. Talking to him is effortless, exciting, and as I turn to kiss him, someone abruptly interrupts us.
"What the fuck?"
"August?" My expression reeks of horror and annoyance. When will this guy leave us alone? It's like he has installed spy cameras across campus, and his favourite pastime hobby is running into Simon and me.
"Now wait a minute," August rounds on him much to my surprise, pointing an accusing finger towards Simon's chest. "You aren't supposed to be seeing him."
"You know about it?" I direct his attention back to me, bubbling with anger that my mom will confide in my cousin more than anyone like he hasn't tried to ruin my life once.
"Of course I know about it," he sneers, almost gloating when he looks between the two of us.
I take a step forward. "You can't say a word to her, I swear."
August looms over me, his arms crossed like an indignant child. "What's stopping me?"
"Aren't you done being obsessed with us?" Simon interrupts, looking like he's completely done with the situation. I can feel his anger coming in waves, the built-up of every injustice not only August has done but my family also.
"I'm protecting you, I'm protecting this family." August tries to justify, and he reaches forwards. For a wild moment, I thought he was going to hug me or punch me, but instead, he's grabbing the plate from the counter behind us.
I scoff at his indifference. "I might've believed you before you tried to ruin my life."
"That was just a mistake, Wille."
"I guess it'll be a mistake when I show the headmistress all the things you've been getting up to in your secret society," the words erupt from my mouth before I can stop them.
He seems unaffected by them, and skirts around us to grab the tub of ice cream in the freezer. "Go on, then."
"You would be expelled, you know?"
"You can dream on." He laughs, unscrewing the cap of the bottle and getting a glass from the top drawer before meticulously pouring the liquid in. "Then I guess I'll show you the video of you in that warehouse too."
My heart sinks. "You're kidding me."
"Sorry, when I found out you and Felice were trying to get me kicked out of Hillerska, I had to produce blackmail of my own." He shrugs like it's nothing of importance.
"Wait a minute, you were trying to get him kicked out of Hillerska? Is that why you and Felice hang out so much?" Simon cuts in, his face twisted into disbelief when we exchange a glance.
I hesitate, forgetting that he only has the faintest idea of the plan Felice and I have been planning since early October. "I thought you would want that, don't you?"
"Just because you're angry doesn't mean you have the right to be cruel." He's looking at me like he has no idea who I am. "He probably deserves all that's coming to him, but I didn't expect you to sink this low."
"Well, that's my cue. You guys are welcome to join the gathering in the commons later," August holds up the cookies and the glass of milk with a wide grin on his face. "Oh, and this. How can you say no?"
The silence is filled with the hum of conversation in the other room.
"He's insufferable," Simon's the first to speak.
"I know," I laugh, turning to sidle up against him, catching the glint in his eyes radiating mischief and humour.
"Do you think he bought it?"
"You're a way better actor than I thought you were," I say. "Now he thinks we're fighting and probably thought he won."
"One of these days I'm going to accidentally flip his canoe over and turn a blind eye to when he's begging to be rescued," Simon scoffs, but melts against my touch, his face resting against my shoulder. Maybe the manifold of events that occurred today would've driven us apart months ago, but now we're indomitable, impossible to pry apart.