good morning mom i swear this isn't reminiscent at all of what I have been doing in college, i have been incredibly well behaved :) i literally drank tea and watched history channel with my friends on a friday night.
JESSIE
Jorgen's tattoos. Jorgen's tattoos.
Jorgen's everything, all day. Jorgen and how I seem to be incapable of getting over the way his chest felt against my back. Jorgen and how he smells all the way up close. Jorgen and the way his laugh makes his chest vibrate softly. Jorgen and the way he looked soaking wet with lake water. Jorgen and a real life actual bubbling uncontrollable laugh. Jorgen and his medical alert dog tag that hits his chest when he moves and draws my eyes to his collarbones. Jorgen and how he looked grilling without a shirt on, joking the whole time that his boss would kill him for being a twenty year old idiot and subjecting himself to burns and whatnot. Jorgen and the curly dark hair between his pecs that he didn't have the last time I saw him without a shirt on. Jorgen and abs that seem to have stayed through the last seven years. Jorgen and the short beard that comes in and out, appearing to get shaved only once every few weeks.
Jorgen and-
"If you can't light it in the next strike I'm taking over," he laughs, watching Kazian struggle with the matches in the fire pit. "One of us was a boy scout and it wasn't you."
"I was a fucking girl scout, watch your tongue," he growls, finally managing to get a leaf to go up in flames, quickly catching the newspaper next to it. "See, it's fine, I did it." Kaz celebrates the victory with a pull on the bottle of beer next to him.
Jorgen's relaxed and settled in for the night, sitting next to me but not against me, black hoodie on to keep the cold of the night off. All it's succeeding to do in my case is make him look even more cuddly than he did this morning. He's still in his swim trunks, but has dried off completely enough to put his prosthetic back on again.
"Does anyone have any good fireside games to do?" Luka asks, balancing the little bic lighter that Kaz handed back to him on the tip of his nose and failing pretty badly.
"I kind of want to play truth or dare with you guys, but that's a little bit childish." Ian's ticks get in the way of some of his words but he's a lot easier to understand now that I'm more used to them.
"Dude, you're talking to us. Childish is normal," Luka mumbles, this time attempting to prop the lighter up on the tip of his tongue. "So do you have any good ones?"
"Well, no, but I assumed everyone else probably does."
The lighter drops straight back into Luka's throat, making him cough and gag, spitting it back out again.
"Kindly, I'm going to confiscate that," Jorgen reaches across from next to me and swipes it right out of Luka's hand. "I'd rather not break out my paramedic license right now."
Luka strangles down the last of his cough and looks around, "nobody have any good ideas for truths or dares?"
We stay quiet.
"Fine then, be boring," he settles back in his chair, watching Jorgen pass the lighter over his knuckles, fidgeting. "Um, okay, truth or dare... Kaz."
Kaz frowns, "why me, dude?"
"Don't give me that look."
"But why me, though?"
"I'm not answering that, what do you want?"
Kaz groans, flopping backward in his seat. "Truth."
"Scared of what I might dare you?"
"No, dude, I just don't particularly want to do too much dumb shit right this instant. It's still somewhat light out."
"Okay, truth, I can do a truth," he looks lost for a moment. "Do you lie about your height? I swear you do."
Kaz puffs out his cheeks, "yeah, I round up to five seven. I'm five six and a half."
"That's not that bad, alright, your turn."
Kaz sighs, "this is going to get boring fast if we don't make it fun. I suggest truth or drink instead of truth or dare."
"I'm not particularly in the mood to drink all that much," Jorgen raises his hand, asking my question for me.
"Then you better be good at answering," Kaz shrugs. "Could be truth or hit but I don't know how much weed we actually have here."
"That's worse," Jorgen frowns. "For me, at least."
Kaz raises an eyebrow, "maybe for you it'll be truth or strip."
"Ah," Jorgen frowns. "Hm. I'll just drink, that's fine. I plan on being police-interview good at avoiding questions so it's not like I'll have to anyway." His arm drops behind my back, resting up on the outdoor couch, thumb reaching forward to tap my shoulder, catching my attention. I know he wants to know if I'll be comfortable playing truth or drink and the honest answer is: sure. He's right here just in case something goes wrong and I trust the boys enough to not do anything stupid so really what could go wrong.
"Jess, are you alright to play?" Kaz asks.
"I'm playing, yeah."
"Okay, ditto, awesome. My question for you is did you have a crush on Jorgen in high school, yes or no?"
I pull my lip into my teeth, fighting off a laugh, "yes."
"No explanation?"
"Nope," I bite down harder, trying not to let out the nervous giggle at the back of my throat with all my might.
"Alright, fine, you ask now."
I look around at the guys, sprawled hap-hazardly across the yard furniture, fire crackling in the center.
"Okay, Luka-"
"Oh fuck."
"Do your sexual comments about Kaz come from a place of emotion or are you just crude?"
His eyes go wide, glancing over at Kaz for a split second, "um, emotion."
That gets a low oooooo out of everyone at the fire before Luka covers it as fast as he can.
"Ian, did you immediately have a crush on Pitty when you came to the Barn or was it later?"
Ian shrugs, "immediately," his eyes squeeze shut against his own accord. "I was sick and dying, coughing out half my chest cavity every time I tried to go up a staircase, almost in the medical emergency temperature range of a fever and this bastard-" he jerks his thumb at the man whose lap he's currently inhabiting, "was there the whole time and I was smitten, almost dead, but smitten."
"That's kind of sweet," Duke smiles. "Maybe I'll scrape a very awfully ill girl out from under a bridge someday."
"Ah," Ian frowns. "Not recommended. Anyway, can I make this a truth or dare or drink situation?"
"What do you mean?" Kaz mumbles, lips on the top of his beer bottle.
"The asker gets to pick truth or dare and if you don't want to you have to drink. I just have a really good dare."
Kaz shrugs, "don't look at me, I'm not the moderator here."
"Good," Ian tips his head back, looking up at Pitty. "I dare you to go get me a hoodie, please."
Pitty raises a solitary eyebrow, "that's your dare?"
"Yes, chop chop."
With a low grumble, Pitty pulls himself forward and peels back the flannel he has on, pulling it down off his big arms and then wrapping it like a towel around Ian, bundling him up in red and black fabric.
"Does that work?"
"That works wonderfully," Ian nestles back into him, wrapped up and content, "I love you."
"Mpfh," Pitty wraps an arm around him and looks around at the rest of us, half interested, half not. "Jorgen."
That gets his ears to perk up and his eyes to break their contact with the fire.
"Truth, it's been a year since we've asked. Do you remember what happened the night you got shot?"
Jorgen shrugs, "yes, this time, I do. Ben Peters. Accidental slamfire in his father's gun. I don't blame him. I don't want anything to do with blaming him. That's what happened and it's done now."
"Who's Ben Peters?" Kaz asks, rubbing his arm absently in the spot he, too, has a bullet hole from that night.
"Ben Peters was my ex's older brother," I mumble, looking down at my lap. "Evan had just found out that I was going to have someone else's kid. He was mad. He meant only to threaten Jay and it went south."
The group is quiet for a second but Duke, thank God he's a little bit more stoned than the rest of us, lets out a soft little noise, "well I mean, fuck him, I guess."
"Agreed on that, fuck that guy," Luka juts his thumb backward toward Duke.
"Duke, truth, who was the last person you liked?" Jorgen asks, propping his foot up on the end table across from us.
Duke shrugs, "I dunno, a coworker, I really liked this girl from work for a while. It stopped when we fucked in the walk-in freezer on a random shift and she smelled like old sausage."
"That was a lot to take in," Jorgen mumbles. "First of all, don't go into walk-in freezers and shut the door. Second, you fucked someone in the walk-in freezer, while on shift?"
Duke lets a lazy smile drop onto his face, "it was the skeleton shift, we were bored, we fucked in the freezer, the door was propped open with the brick, it was fine. But it's great, now whenever I work a graveyard shift with her I get laid. All wins in the end."
Luka is frowning, "you worked a graveyard shift before we came up here. You napped in the car."
Duke grins and yanks off his swim shirt, showing off his chest, tattoos, and long cat scratches down his stomach and upper back. He wears a swim shirt as to not aggravate an eczema outbreak but today it appears there were other motives as well.
"Holy shit," Kaz mutters, "she a fucking tiger or what?"
"Fake nails," he shrugs. "Ow."
"Is this like a thing where you get on shift and immediately go for it or is there like, buildup or-" Luka has his eyebrows almost so far up you can see them under his floppy hair.
Duke slips the shirt back on again, "yesterday I made her wait until the bosses were gone and all that because I don't really want to get fired and then we went for it then, then again during break, then again after I clocked out."
"You had sex three separate times during a shift?" Luka fully spins around now.
"Yes, well, sort of, not all of them were like-"
"Whore," Luka comments and only manages to keep a straight face about for just a second before bursting out laughing.
"Fine, fine," Duke rolls his eyes. "When was the last time you had sex... or drink."
Luka, without a beat of pause, grabs the bottle of whiskey off the fireside table and flicks the cap off, taking an easy gulp.
"Jorgen," he clears his throat. "Last time you had sex or drink."
Jorgen sighs, rubbing a hand down his face. His eyes flicker to mine for a second before dropping back to Luka and the bottle.
"If it was years ago and you're embarrassed about it, the bottle is right here," he offers.
He narrows his eyes, "I had half-sex with a girl I met at a bar about six months ago."
"Half-sex?" Luka frowns.
"She was too small. And the leg kind of freaked her out. We didn't have full sex because it was hurting her."
Everyone is dead silent for a split-second and I'm trying impossibly hard to forget the sex that we had seven years ago.
"Congrats on the horse sized dick?" Kaz has his head tipped to the side. "Too big? Are you sure you're not just saying that?"
"She was under five feet tall," Jorgen tips his head to match Kazian. "I wasn't the issue."
"You're six and a half feet tall, who fucking knows," Kaz argues. "You could have a ten incher in there and it would look normal on your body so I have no idea."
Jorgen just rolls his eyes, "truth or drink, Ian," he changes the topic. "If you were smitten immediately with Pitty, how long did it take - actually - to get with him?"
"In what way?"
"Any way you want to answer."
"I kissed him like less than three months in," Ian shrugs. "After I'd gotten drunk off of a single shot at that random party Zuch's hosted."
Pitty stays dead silent, arm still around Ian, mostly asleep with his head on the back of the couch by now.
"One shot?" Kaz asks.
"I weighed 90 pounds. I'm six foot one."
Kaz seems rather impressed but decides to ignore it, breathing out and resting back against the couch.
Ian breathes out, looking around, "Jorgen, truth," Jorgen perks up to listen. "Did you like Jessie back in high school?"
Jorgen's taken by surprise by that question, leaning back against the cushion, glancing off into space for a minute or so before he responds, quieter than I anticipated.
My telltale heart is thundering at the base of my throat, begging to know what he'll say.
"In an... abstract sense," he starts, "yes. I did. For a long time I was enthralled by the concept of her. Not to date, nothing like that, but... the idea of her, yes. I knew I wasn't the right person, I knew she was too out of my reach, I knew all of that, I didn't bother with hope, but in a way, for a long time there, she was everything I ever thought about when I had a minute to think. She was a goal, almost, not to be with her, just to be that put together, that untouchable. I guess where I'm going is that I was in love with the concept of her, but I didn't want it to be realized."
Everyone's quiet for a second before Ian simply mumbles "deep" all low and impressed.
"I had other passing interests, but it was mostly her when you battled through that. Luka, dare."
I sit with that for a moment, considering what Jorgen just admitted, considering how it all worked in everything, how his feelings toward me, an idea of me, might've changed things then, might change things now.
Luka gestures for him to get on with it when he doesn't add anything immediately.
"Empty your pockets."
"Are you fleecing me for drugs?" Luka frowns. "I swear of all the people you could've become a narc was not one of them but here you are."
"I'm not narcing you, I just want to know."
"You're law enforcement, basically."
"Take that back," Jorgen threatens, but it doesn't sink into the belly of his voice so Luka brushes it off, laughing. "I work near other people who work for the law, I am not a cop."
Luka rolls his eyes and then spills his sweatpants pockets onto the table next to him. He's got two altoid tins, a lighter - one that Jorgen didn't confiscate - a pen, half a granola bar wrapper, a loose nail, and a balled up receipt.
He gestures at the pile, "the tins have weed in them."
Jorgen's eyebrows go up, "at this point you're narcing yourself."
"I am simply declaring the presence of the weed so that if anyone wants to smoke a joint during this beautiful sunset to take the edge off how boring this game has been, they can go for it."
"You could just make it not boring," I offer, peeping up.
Luka frowns, looking over, thinking about it, "okay, Jorgen, again, did you ever, while you were going through your little phase, hook up with someone and pretend it was her instead?" He gestures at me.
Jorgen sucks in a fast breath, then does something I didn't expect, leaning forward and grabbing the bottle of whiskey, not even taking a second of consideration before knocking back a solid mouthful and tapping it back down against the side of the fire pit.
"Anyone but Luka," he looks around, considering, then his eyes land on me, settled in right next to him on the little bench. "Pitty and Ian, joint question, have you ever had sex while the rest of us were in the house?"
Ian shrugs, "have you?"
"No."
"Oh," he flushes bright red, "that's more goody-two-shoes than I was expecting."
"Yes," Pitty says, laying it out plain. "Lots."
Jorgen's eyebrows go up.
"You haven't had sex in the house while other people are in there?" Luka asks, all slow.
"No, I have not."
"Suit yourself," Kaz mutters, his eyes flickering back over toward where Ian and Pitty are discussing a question at great length in quick words between themselves.
They think about it for another few seconds, then fix their eyes on me, Jorgen as a second thought.
"Joint question, Jorgen and Jessie," Ian starts, eyes squeezing shut in the middle of it, "do you remember the instance in which Connor was conceived?"
Jorgen huffs out a fast breath, glancing at me, then at the bottle of whiskey. "I'll drink if you'll drink."
I wince, leaning forward and grabbing it off the side of the fire pit. I sigh, staring at the top of the bottle, then tipping it back for one solitary burning swig, knowing that the story is much worse than the alcohol.
Jorgen downs his a lot faster than I did, spreading his arms out across the back of the couch, fingers coming to rest on my far shoulder, lightly, as if he doesn't notice them touching the fabric of my hoodie.
"Do you have any ideas?" Jorgen asks, fingers now fidgeting on my shoulder, circling the fabric.
"For questions?" I manage, too distracted by the warmth of his chest right next to mine.
"Yeah."
"Ah," I look around. "No, you can ask."
"I was hoping you had something," he jokes, easy smile slipping onto his face. "Alright, Duke, what's the thing about girls you find most attractive?"
He shrugs, "collarbones. Luka, do you want to light one of those?"
"Want to? Of course I want to. I just don't think most of the other people here would be too excited if I did," his eyes harden on Jorgen for a split second.
"I don't mind," Jorgen shrugs. "Jess?"
"Not a huge issue."
Ian pipes up from his spot on Pitty, "I was just about to take Pits to bed so you don't have to worry about irritating my lungs with it."
Duke gestures at Luka to get on with it, "while you're at it, truth, when was the first time you smoked?"
Luka's eyes go a little wide, half focused on lighting it evenly, half on what he's going to say, "um, eighteen."
"That's much later than I thought it would've been," Duke tips his head to the side. "I thought you were going to say, like, eleven, or something."
"My mom died of a fucking overdose, I was terrified of drugs forever," he shrugs and, with good timing, sets the joint on his lips. "Not anymore, but I'll still never do anything harder than this."
Luka fixes a coy eye on Jorgen, a stupid smile springing to his face, "alright, Jorgen, I dare you, who hasn't smoked in seven years, to take a hit."
Jorgen's hand on my shoulder stops moving, processing his decision. He sighs, long and slow, all the air slipping out of his lungs before he breathes in again.
"One of these days," he shakes his head. "Pass it."
Luka's eyebrows shoot up past his bangs, "seriously? I was expecting-"
"I know what you were expecting," he reaches his hand out, waving it. "But any more whiskey and I'm going to get further past fuzzy so why not cocktail it."
"Wow," Luka hands him the weed, making eye contact with an equally stunned Kaz.
Jorgen's shoulders settle back down against the couch, his hand starting to fidget with my hoodie again. The second the joint settles between his lips it's like my entire body stops short, transporting me back to when he was a skinny eighteen, sitting on the stairs in the back of my house, laughing at me for not being able to handle the smoke in my throat, then kissing the life out of me against the splintering hardwood, cold winter wind dancing around us.
Jay's cheeks puff out, taking everything exactly like he used to, the kick in the corner of his lip almost exactly like the one I used to press my thumb against. He shudders a little, fingers gently taking it away from his lips, smoke curling out of his nose.
I watch, mesmerized, my body reacting as it did when I was younger against my consent. His hand comes flat against my upper arm, tugging me into him ever so gently. It doesn't take another second before the smoke flows back out of his mouth and dissipates into the air.
"Still gross," he comments, handing it back to Luka, who immediately passes it off to Kazian's asking hand.
"Sure," Luka says, all soft and stunned.
Jorgen takes a deep breath of fresh air, looking around, then fixing his eyes on me for his question, "truth, Jess, why me? Of all the people in St. B's. And what made you have sex with me that day?"
I choke on my tongue for a moment before coming up with anything, a single six word answer: "you were wild. I envied that. And... it was either you or Evan, that month, in that time frame. I didn't want to give it to him, I wanted it to be you, I wanted peace of mind."
He nods, "good answer."
You were wild. I envied that.
"Alright, Kaz," Jorgen breathes out. "Ever had a crush on anyone from the Barn?"
Kaz shrugs, then juts his finger toward Luka, "unfortunately."
Ian is busy on the other loveseat trying to shake Pitty awake. From the looks of it, he's out cold.
"Ian," Kaz starts, "I dare you to stick your finger up his nose to wake him up."
"At this point," Ian's neck ticks but he goes through with it, sticking two fingers up Pitty's nose and wiggling only to get smacked in the chest a split second after entry, a very startled and angry looking Pitty sitting up as fast as possible.
"Ian," he groans.
"Hi, sweetheart, you sleep like my mom."
Pitty frowns, still somewhat bleary, "Ian? She's... dead?"
"Point," Ian leans over and kisses him on the forehead. "I'm taking you to bed but first it's my turn to ask someone something and I have one locked and loaded."
"Oh boy," Pitty drags his hands down his face, waking up. "You're a menace."
Ian smiles, looking straight at me, then Jorgen.
Suddenly, I'm reminded with a metaphorical brick to the skull that I once let slip a little too many details about weed, Jorgen, and I to Ian once.
"Jorgen," Ian gets the most ridiculous grin on his face. "I dare you to shotgun kiss Jessie."
"I knew it," I grumble. "You suck, Ian."
"The only thing I suck is him," he sets his hand on Pitty's head, then winks.
"I can drink if you want," Jorgen offers, eyes resting on me almost in a heavy way, like he's looking into me instead of at me.
"Um, no, it's fine," I sigh, rubbing my face. At this point I think he's taken two drinks and I don't want him to drink any more if he doesn't want to and at my cause.
"Alright, sure," Jorgen breathes out, processing everything. He reaches and takes the joint off of Luka, setting it between his lips.
I'm slapped across the face with deja vu when his eyes land on mine, hand on my shoulder now cupping my cheek. It doesn't take longer than a second, the space between our lips fading into nothing, his short beard brushing my chin, then, lips on lips. I can't stop the shiver in my back, can't stop my eyes from fluttering, can't stop my lips from parting, can't stop him from pouring the hot and heavy smoke into my mouth.
"Breathe," his word vibrates into my mouth, and then there's a moment. A moment that wouldn't happen if he had asked Kaz or Luka to shotgun kiss me instead. A moment where his lips rest on mine, warm and soft and tinged with a little alcohol and a little weed and a lot of something else. A moment where he pauses, lips staggered with mine. I fight a sudden and almost violent urge to sink into it, to kiss him like I did eight years ago, to pull my arms over his shoulder and throw my leg over his lap and kiss him. And kiss him with passion and tongues and teeth and lust and drifting hands just to feel his body under mine again and to feel the way his hands cradle and touch and brush and pull and grip and tease. Kiss him.
I want to keep kissing him.
It's gone too soon, my eyes landing on his heavy eyelashes as they fall away, a soft and relaxed smile on his face. He stays thigh-to-thigh with me, arm now looped more securely around my shoulders, and with that, my whole world shifts a little bit out of focus and then slams me right back into crystal clear reality.
Oh.
***
hehe
-rabid