It was the next day, and I was getting ready for the next therapy session. She was going to talk to us individually today and together.
I had my playlist going as I was getting prepared for the day ahead of me. W.A.Y.S by Jhene aiko was currently playing.
At forty-four minutes to four
An angel walked up to my door
Opened the windows to my soul
Told me he thinks that I should know
There's no slowing down
As the globe spins 'round and 'round
"You better keep goin', better keep goin'." I sung as I finished up in the bathroom and walked to my closet.
"Hmmm Dress or no dress." I said to myself.
"Untun." I shook my head taking out some tights and a hoodie.
If there's one thing that I learned
While in those county lines
It's that everything takes time
You have gotta lose your pride
You have gotta lose your mind
Just to find your peace of mind
You have got to trust the signs
Everything will turn out fine
"Chile I'mma just brush this hair and leave it how it is, fuck it." I shrugged going to the bathroom again and grabbing the brush.
When I was finished I grabbed the brown lip liner and out lined my lips before grabbing my lip gloss and applying it on top.
After rubbing my lips together I paused my music and took a deep breath staring into the mirror.
Inhaling through my nose and exhaling out my mouth I finally spoke.
"I love myself in all of my forms. I am divinely and uniquely made. I have no judgements to any parts of me because I align with the truth of who I am...always." I said looking at myself in the mirror. It was a self love affirmation I read in one of my mom's notebooks and I had memorized it.
After saying it I grabbed a pen and sticky note writing You'll be okay again on it before sticking it on my bulletin board on the wall in my room with the other sticky notes.
"I feel like i'm forgetting something." I said looking around my room.
"MY NECKLACE." I blurted walking quickly to my vanity picking up the necklace with Malik's initial. It was weird though because usually I never forget it. I made a mental note to make sure I visit his grave today.
ꨄ
"Okay we have everybody here today except for Karmyn and Kamille. Anybody know where they at?" Darcy asked. It was Me, Landon, my father and Eva.
"Karmyn schedule was booked today and Kamille is busy too." I said.
"Okay well least get started." She said clicking her pen.
"I've heard a lot about you two, and I can say that i'm not happy about it." She said. "But every family trauma starts with a pattern. So first i'm going to talk to Dad and you three can go in that room right there." She said and we did as told.
"So tell me about your childhood, how you grew up." The therapist asked as Kaelyn's father hesitated. He wasn't one to open up about anything let alone his past.
"I ain't have a childhood." He stated nonchalantly.
"What do you mean?" The therapist asked him.
"I ain't have time to be a kid or do things that kids normally do. I was too busy helping my mom and trying to provide." He said. "Plus I had my first child at 15 so." He shrugged.
The therapist was shocked as she she tried not to make a judgmental facial expression.
"So you had Kamille when you were 15, Karmyn when you were 19, and 20 when you had both Landon and Kaelyn?" She asked and he nodded his head.
"So you grew up with a single mother?" She asked him and he nodded his head.
"He was in and out my life as I grew up, and I never understood why my mother let him back in." He vented.
"Interesting." She mumbled.
"What?" He asked.
"There's the pattern right there. You see your father was in out your life and it feels the same way for your daughters and son. And Eva is just like your mother, willing to allow you to come back no matter the wrong you do." She explained.
"I wasn't in and out my kids life, they lived wit' me under the same household, I was in their life." He said getting defensive.
The therapist then stood up opening the door to tell Kaelyn and Landon to come in.
"I want you both to share your experiences growing up. Same thing you told me a few days ago, tell your father." She said smoothly.
"Well we feel like you wasn't really there." Landon shrugged.
"You were never home for a full day or took time out of your day to have conversations with us on a personal level. You would just be out all day doing whatever while we were at home." Kaelyn expressed.
"I mean yeah you would take care of us and stuff but we didn't care about the materialistic things we just wanted to spend time with our father." She continued.
Their father started to feel bad. He never really looked at it that way. He never wanted them to feel like he abandoned them. He didn't do it intentionally.
"Then at one point we just stopped trying to build a bond wit' you cause it felt like we was annoying you and you seemed to always be angry and go off on us for no reason." Landon stated.
"Okay I want you two to sit back and listen to the story of the father that behaved that way towards you and accept his story. Until you can understand why your father chose to treat the lifestyle he lived as a top priority and not you, there can be no healing." She said.
"You have to understand their stories as well." She looked at their father.
"I had to grow up at a young age. I ain't have no father to tell me wrong or right or just be there for me. He would say negative shit to me all the time .I'm still learning to be a father, and not only did I let myself down, but I let y'all down as well." He expressed leaving Kaelyn to look at him with sympathy.
"He didn't have the tools to act as a father because the tools were never given to him." The therapist said smoothly. "I'm not making excuses for him because at the end of the day he's his own person, but what could you do if that's all you were taught." She said to them.
"But that should make you not even wanna make your kids go through the same thing, so why do the same thing." Landon said.
"That's why I avoided coming home at times. I wasn't at home interacting wit' y'all because I didn't want nothing to do wit' y'all, I wasn't interacting wit' y'all because I was scared. I didn't wanna end up like my father- But you did." Landon cut him off.
"Landon you and your father are alike in more ways than you could imagine, you would think that would make your bond closer." She said.
"Neither of you are listening to understand, you're listening to respond and we're not going to get anywhere if y'all keep that mindset." She said.
"Both of you had to grow up at a young age, both of you turned to that lifestyle and if you don't take that into consideration then the pattern won't be broken." She said.
"Mister your kids needed you and you weren't there yet you were under the same roof. You have to understand where the anger towards you came from. Your kids, well not kids because their grown yet they're still kids because they're devastated to the degree that they can't even grow up." She said and Kaelyn allowed a tear to fall down her face.
"The both of you wanted that caring father in your life to help you and guide you as you grew up. Don't you want that father?" She asked and they nodded they're head.
"Well it's time to face reality because you're not going to get it." She said. She wasn't trying to be harsh she just wanted them to know the real. It was true though.
They weren't going to get that experience because that's what they wanted as kids. They're of age now and can never go back in time and switch roles and ways to fix it.
"But it's never too late to act as a father, and tend to their needs. They have a hole in their heart the size of you." She said to their father.
"The past is over you can't fix the past, but truth is you're not over the past." She said.
"You can't just say to get over it, how i'm supposed to do that?" Kaelyn cried. "I needed you and you weren't there I can't get over that." She sniffed.
"Kaelyn tell your father why." She said. "What happened when your father wasn't at home?" She asked.
"I- when you weren't at home that was like an opportunity for eva to treat me any kind of why. She would abuse me and talk down on me. I cried for you and you were never there." She grabbed a tissue.
The anger her father felt was rage. He stood up instantly to confront Eva.
"And where you're going?" The therapist asked.
"Finna go at that ho neck she ain't finna do that and think shit good- You're leaving your child to hurt again." She cut him off and he looked at Landon comforting Kaelyn as she cried then he came into realization.
"She doesn't want you to go after Eva she wants you to comfort her for God's sake." She sighed. "Violence towards her isn't going to change what she did She did it and that's the end. It happened. It won't make Kaelyn feel better.
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