I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for their religion - I have shuddered at it; I shudder no more. I could be martyred for my religion - love is my religion, and I could die for that. I could die for you. My creed is love, and you are it's only tenant. - John Keats
Words powerful enough do not exist to describe what it feels to lose the one you love.
↞~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~↠
2 October, 2146
London, England
TOM POV
The phone call he received nearly made his heart stop. "Good mornin', sir, this is Nurse MacDonald at the Uist and Barra Hospital. We have Miss Catrìona Fowlis in our A&E department, Mr. Randall, and accordin' te digital records, yer her next of kin." Tom hadn't responded - he was in shock. They had Catrìona in their hospital? But... How? "Mr. Randall? Are ye there, sir?"
"Uh... Yes, I... I'm here..." said Tom, pressing his palm firmly against his forehead.
"Would ye mind comin' in? I'm afraid Miss Fowlis is verra disoriented and a bit frightened. We think she's just escaped a kidnapper," said Nurse MacDonald quietly.
"Uh... Y-Yeah, of... of course... You said you have Catrìona Fowlis ? Red hair, blue eyes, freckles all over her face?" Tom asked the nurse.
"Oh, aye, she's all those things. Though I'd describe her eyes as a bit more grey," Nurse MacDonald replied. "When can ye come in?"
"Well, I... I'm in London at the moment, but I can catch a flight as soon as I can. Maybe... a few hours?" Tom said to the nurse.
"Tha's fine. Do we have yer permission te sedate Miss Fowlis? She's been rather combative and Dr. Lewis would like te sedate her," asked Nurse MacDonald.
"Er... Yeah, that... that's fine. I'll be there as quickly as I can," said Tom, and he hung up the phone. The phone had rang in the early hours of dawn, waking him up from a deep slumber. He was sat up in bed, staring down in a stunned silence at the blankets covering his legs. She was alive... Eight years ago, she had disappeared during the Second Battle of Culloden, never to be seen or heard from again. Tom's brother, Richard, had claimed that he'd killed her, but there was never any palpable evidence that he'd done so - still, Tom had cut him off because of it, even after the war between Scotland and England had come to an end.
Scotland had won the rebellion three years before in 2143, five years after Catrìona had gone missing. The aging King Edward IX signed a treaty with Scotland, who wouldn't have a monarch, but instead had Parliament and a Prime Minister. Though he fought for Scotland, Tom had moved back to England to be closer to his parents, who had all but cut him off when he joined the Scots in their rebellion, but welcomed him back home, even though the English lost. Glancing at the side table at his bedside, he came across a photograph of himself with Commander MacLeod, posing with Prime Minister MacAllistor, the elected Prime Minister at the time the Scottish won, and the English Prince of Wales, Prince Alexander. Given King Edward IX's failing health, it seemed possible that Prince Alexander would soon become King Alexander I of England. Prince Alex concerned him; he was a spoiled man who openly hated the Scottish and made sure everyone knew how he felt about England's neighbours.
The blankets stirred beside him and Tom glanced over at Gemma, who stretched like a cat as she woke up. "Tommy?" she asked into the darkness sleepily. "What is it?"
"I... I have to go to Scotland," Tom said to her, not able to look at her.
"Why? Army business?" Gemma asked him, scooting over so she could rest her head on his shoulder.
"No... Maybe... I dunno. I'll have to explain more later, right now I just... I have to go," Tom explained to her, climbing out of bed to get dressed.
↞~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~↠
3 October, 2146
Uist and Barra Hospital, Benbecula, Scotland
The flight took longer than Tom would have liked, as did the official helicopter ride from Skye to Benbecula. Alexa MacLeod and Maidie Mackenzie met Tom at the helicopter, Tom having called them as soon as he had gotten on his way to Heathrow Airport in London. "Tom! Is it really her?" asked Maidie, her long blonde curls braided down her back.
"I don't know, I haven't seen her yet," said Tom a bit neutrally. "A nurse at Uist and Barra hospital called and said they had her, I don't know anything else."
"Suppose we'll just have te see then, willnae we?" asked Alexa as the three of them climbed into the helicopter. It landed some twenty minutes later outside of the hospital, and a nurse was the first to greet them.
"Glad ye've come! Ye must be Mr. Randall. I'm Nurse MacDonald, we spoke over the phone," said the brown-haired nurse as Tom approached her, following her into the hospital with Alexa and Maidie trailing behind. "Who's this, then?"
"I'm Maidie Mackenzie, I'm also a nurse, but in Inverness," said Maidie.
"Commander Alexa MacLeod of the Scots Army," Alexa said to Nurse MacDonald.
"Are ye friends of the patient?" Nurse MacDonald asked her.
"They are," Tom told her, not even looking back.
"Well, Miss Fowlis is verra disoriented and confused, Dr. McDermott willnae think it best fer all three of ye te be in there at once," Nurse MacDonald told them as they entered a lift.
"What exactly happened? How did she end up here in Benbecula?" Tom asked once they were inside the lift.
"A man found her - he's waitin' upstairs. She was wanderin' aboot in North Uist dressed in... well, in verra strange claithes... She didnae utter a word, not until she came te us," Nurse MacDonald explained.
"What did she say?" Maidie asked her.
"That she wanted te be left alone," Nurse MacDonald replied.
"That sounds like our Captain Fowlis," said Alexa. The lift stopped on the appropriate floor and the three of them followed Nurse MacDonald out, stopping at the waiting area. "Mr. Randall, this is Mr. Angus MacNeil, he was the one that found Miss Fowlis." The man in question, Angus MacNeil, stood up, pulling his cap off of his head and offering a hand to shake Tom's.
"Pleasure te meet ye," said Angus MacNeil. "Aye, I was drivin' my truck along the A867 when I saw the wee lassie jus' walkin' along the middle of the road. I stopped and honked my horn and she seemed te startle, then she turned as I got out of my truck and I asked her what a lass like her was doin', then I recognised her, I did. Ye see, I fought under her at Berwick in '36, so I knew it was Captain Fowlis. She didnae speak te me, but I brought her here as quickly as I could."
"Thank you very much," said Tom, looking now to Nurse MacDonald. "Where is she?"
"Room 314," said Nurse MacDonald, leading Tom, Maidie and Alexa to the room in question. It was an isolation room, and Tom froze as he peered through the glass window at the figure on the bed. She was sitting up, her red hair spilling down her shoulders. It was much longer than she used to keep it, and quite a bit unkempt. She didn't seem malnourished, but her eyes were rather sunken in and her face was frozen up in a blank expression. It was evident that whatever happened to her made a shell of the woman she used to be, but it was her .
"You think she was kidnapped?" Tom asked Nurse MacDonald.
"Aye, we do. She displays all the signs. Afraid of anyone's touch, she is. We've had a psychiatrist come and speak te her, but she willnae utter a word. Maybe she'll speak te ye," Nurse MacDonald replied.
"I hope so," said Tom meekly, almost afraid to go in.
"If she was kidnapped, we'll find the bastard and have him pay fer what he's done," said Alexa. "Tha's not Catrìona, that's someone else entirely. Whoever did this te her changed who she is."
"Why don't we talk to her first before we jump to conclusions?" Maidie asked them. "I'll call Don and tell him it's definitely her. He'll need to watch Rory for a bit longer."
"How auld is wee Rory now?" asked Alexa.
"Oh, he'll be four in March. He's growing so fast," said Maidie cheerfully. Tom wasn't paying attention to the two of them. Instead, he made his way to the door, pausing right before he put his hand on the doorknob. This is Catrìona... She loves you. She'll be happy to see you. Just go in, you bloody coward. He let out a breath of air, then pushed open the door, stepping inside of the room. Catrìona didn't move when he closed the door, nor did she budge as he slowly approached her. The only sign that anything within her moved was the beeping of the heart monitor that she was attached to. Tom stopped as he stood beside her, taking in her dishevelled appearance and taking note of how she'd changed. Her features had softened a bit from how they looked when he'd last seen her, and her lips had thinned a little bit. She was a bit plumper, but still thin, and her hair, though still curly, had lost some of its volume. The last time he had seen her - when she went missing - she had been twenty-two, and now, she would be thirty.
"You... You've changed..." Tom found himself muttering, and for an extended moment, Catrìona didn't answer him.
"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" she asked him quietly and without emotion. Tom felt his heart clutch at the sound of her voice, so lifeless and void of all emotions.
"We all change, don't we?" he asked her, sitting down in the seat beside her. He glanced at her right hand beside him, taking note of a silver ring with Celtic interlacing that hadn't been there before. "That's a... a lovely ring. Where did you get it?" For the first time, she moved, glancing down at the ring on her hand and flexing her fingers to get a better look.
"He gave it te me," she answered him after a moment.
"Who did?" Tom asked her. "Your kidnapper?"
"I wasnae kidnapped," she told him, resting her hand on the bed again.
"Cat... Cat, you've been gone for eight years ... Disappeared with... with no trace. In the middle of a war, too. If you deserted willingly... Cat, you know that's a crime," Tom said to her.
"I didnae leave willingly," she replied.
"Then you were kidnapped-"
"I said I wasnae kidnapped!" she snapped at him, turning her head just a little to glare at him through her narrowed eyes.
"Something happened," Tom replied.
"Aye, somethin' did," she told him, looking forward again. "Ye wouldnae understand."
"You could try explaining it to me. Where did you go for eight years, Cat? If you weren't kidnapped and you didn't desert the army, where did you go?"
"Why are ye here?" she asked, interrupting him.
"Wh... Why am I here? Cat, you know why I'm here..."
"If I did, I wouldnae be askin', would I?" she said, not looking at him.
"God, you are combative," Tom said with a huff. "I'm here because... because I-"
"Because what? Ye love me?" she asked, interrupting him yet again.
"Do you think I don't?" She looked at him, her silvery eyes piercing his chocolate brown ones.
"I think yer hesitatin'," she said.
"Why are you acting like this? Like such a..."
"Like a what? A bitch?" she asked him, seemingly taunting him, and then she raised her voice. "Because I've lost everything . Everrathing I've loved fer the last eight years is gone , and now I'm forced te live here, in a world I no longer recognise, and raise a child without its father, who's dead . Who's been dead fer a verra long time, and I'm alone!"
"You think you're the only one who's lost everything?" Tom demanded from her, and then he froze as her words hit him. "Wait... Did... Did you just..."
"Aye," she said, looking away again. "Aye, I'm pregnant. Two or three months, maybe."
"That... That bastard -"
"Dinnae speak of Jamie like that!" Catrìona snapped at him, and Tom felt as if he'd been punched in the face.
"Jamie?" he asked her. "And who the hell is this 'Jamie'? Is he the man that kidnapped you?"
"How many times do I have te tell ye? I wasnae kidnapped," she spat at him.
"Fine, you weren't kidnapped. So who the hell is Jamie?" Tom demanded from her, his hands up in the air defensively.
"My husband," she told him, and Tom's eyes widened.
"You... Your husband... You mean... like I was supposed to be?" he asked her, and she turned her head and didn't answer. "Catrìona, answer me. You married another man?"
"I loved another man," she told him. "Call me a bitch all ye like... I didnae mean te fall in love with him. Where I was... I was lost, and I tried te get back te ye. Really, I did... but then I fell in love." She turned her head to look at him, her face still firm but the harsh look gone from her eyes. "I'm sorry, truly. I never wanted te hurt ye... but Tom... I can never love ye the way I once did... the way I once thought I did..."
"Thought you did?" She nodded, looking down at her hands again.
"I was... I was young and inexperienced with men. My only encounter besides ye were those men who raped me. I got called all sorts of awful things after that encounter, and ye were the only one who was kind te me. I dinnae ken what I was thinkin', but... I thought I'd never have a chance at bein' happy if I didnae say yes te ye."
"So... you're saying you never loved me," said Tom, trying to understand exactly what Catrìona was saying.
"I dinnae ken what I'm sayin'," Catrìona replied.
"Well, figure it out then," said Tom, standing back up. "I... I'll be back in a bit. I need a moment." He couldn't even look at her. He strode out of that room, pushing past Alexa and Maidie, who was still on the phone, and disappeared down a corridor, well out of sight.
↞~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~↠
MAIDIE POV
"It's her? Yer certain?" Maidie's husband, Don Tanner, said on the other end of the line.
"It is, I've seen her through the window. Haven't spoken to her yet, but I intend to visit her. I may be here a while longer... Would it be all right for you to watch Rory a bit longer?" Maidie asked him.
"Maids, ye ken it's fine. I love my wee laddie. Why dinnae we find a place in Uist? That way ye can be closer te yer friend," Don told her.
"I'm honestly not even sure if she'll stay here," said Maidie, looking up as Tom suddenly left the room very quickly, stalking down the corridor and disappearing.
"What the hell?" asked Alexa, glancing at Maidie before following him.
"I'd better go, I'll call you back, fy ngharaid ," said Maidie, ending the call. Tom had left the door to Catrìona's room open and Maidie, unable to satisfy her curiosity, peered in, finding Catrìona in her bed with her knees pulled to her chest and her face buried in them. Poor dear... She looked so heartbroken. "C... Catrìona?" Maidie said quietly, but Catrìona didn't respond, instead seeming to sob quietly into her knees. "Oh, fy anwyl gyfaill ..." Maidie closed the door behind her and carefully approached Catrìona's bedside, placing a gentle hand on her friend's back. Catrìona stirred slightly, but didn't lift her head, and then Maidie began to stroke her hair like she would Rory's, sitting down on the bed beside her. "I know that mournful sound... You lost someone, didn't you?"
"M-My husband," Catrìona muttered through her tears. "And... and my children..."
"Oh, you poor, poor thing," said Maidie, pulling a handkerchief out of her pocket as Catrìona lifted her head and wiping her tears away. " Dim mwy o ddagrau. No more tears... Tell me about them, your husband and your children... How many did you have?"
"T-Two... A lad and... and a lass," said Catrìona, wiping her own eyes on the blanket. "My son's name was Archie... and my daughter was Brèagha."
"What lovely names! Your father's name was Archie, too, wasn't it?" Maidie asked her, and Catrìona nodded. "I've never heard of the name 'Brèagha' before, but it's beautiful."
"It... it means 'pretty' in Gaelic... The... the midwife who helped te deliver her... said she was so pretty when she was born," Catrìona replied. "And she was... She looked just like her father... She had his nose, and his brow, his slanted blue eyes, even his smile... And Archie, I thought he looked more like his father, too, but... then I met my grandsire, and Archie looked so much like him."
"Your grandsire?" asked Maidie, raising an eyebrow. "I thought you didn't have any surviving relatives."
"I thought so, too," she replied, looking down at the blanket. "This'll sound mad... and ye cannae tell anyone I told ye this... but... Maidie, I... I travelled through the stones at Craigh Na Dun."
"Through stone?" asked Maidie, raising an eyebrow. How could one travel through stone?
"I told ye it sounded mad..." said Catrìona, and Maidie swallowed her confusion. Right now, Catrìona needed someone who would believe every word she said, so Maidie would be that person. Even if it did sound insane, Maidie would believe every word that she said. Catrìona needed a trusted friend, and judging by how quickly Tom left this room, that person wouldn't be him.
"No, it doesn't," said Maidie with a soft smile. "My grandmother used to tell me stories about fairies and stone circles, that there were some who could use them to travel to distant lands. Tell me about the land you travelled to."
"Well, it... wasnae a distant land, really," said Catrìona, wiping the corner of her eye with the blanket again. "It... it was here. Or rather, near Inverness. Tha's where I went through the first time... only it was four hundred years in the past. It was... Blessed Bride, it sounds mad when I say it out loud..." She let out a firm sigh. "Can ye... Can ye find my tartan fer me?"
"Your tartan? Aye, it's right here," said Maidie, standing up and crossing the room to where a bag of Catrìona's things were. Inside of that bag was a rather large wool skirt, a dirtied white nightgown of some sort, a corset and what looked like a wool jacket of some sort, in addition to her woolen Fowlis of Barra tartan. Maidie picked up and froze when her fingers felt embroidery on the other side. She flipped the folded tartan over and saw the name 'C. FOWLIS' embroidered into it in gold, then ran her fingers over the familiar embroidery.
"Is... Is everrathin' all right?" Catrìona asked her, noticing Maidie's change in behaviour.
"This... I did this..." she said as she admired the embroidery. "I did this to Cailean's tartan..." She turned to face Catrìona, who raised an eyebrow at her. "I... I embroidered his name into his tartan... What, eleven years ago now? He... He was wearing it when he went missing, how... How did you get this?" Catrìona, too, froze as Maidie returned to her side and laid the tartan across her lap, her fingers running over the fabric and the embroidery. "You saw him... didn't you? Through the stones..." She looked up, meeting Maidie's green eyes, and nodded. Cailean... He'd disappeared in a manner similar to Catrìona, only a year and a half earlier. Like Catrìona, there had been no trace of him, and though Maidie loved Don, she was heartbroken when Cailean had been lost. She'd thought him dead for the last ten years, lost along with his tartan... but Catrìona was here with Cailean's tartan, claiming to have seen him. She had to have seen him if she had his tartan...
Suddenly, the door opened and in walked a doctor, followed by Nurse MacDonald. "Ah, ye must be a friend te Miss Fowlis. I'm Dr. McDermott, Miss Fowlis's physician. If ye dinnae mind steppin' out fer a moment, I must examine Miss Fowlis," said Dr. McDermott, and Catrìona's eyes darted to Maidie, firmly grasping her hand, and Maidie rested her other hand over Catrìona's.
"It'll be all right," she said, giving Catrìona a kind smile. "I'll be just outside." Catrìona nodded subtly, watching as Maidie let go of her hand and left the room. The blinds over the window had been closed to give Catrìona privacy, and outside stood Tom. "Where's Alexa?" Maidie asked him.
"Went to call her wife," said Tom, staring at the window. "Did she tell you anything about the man who kidnapped her?"
"I don't believe she was kidnapped," said Maidie, and Tom turned his head to look at her. "She's not behaving like someone who's been kidnapped, she... She's mourning. She lost him, and two children."
"Children?" asked Tom, his eyebrows raising. "She... She had... other children with this bloke?"
"Other children?" asked Maidie, and Tom looked away. "What do you mean, Tom?"
"She's pregnant," said Tom. "And I don't know what to do..."
"Well... You should just support her... Be there for her. She's gone through so much. Just be there for her, Tom," Maidie told him, but Tom shook his head.
"She's delusional, Maidie. She thinks she loved the guy, but it's clearly a case of Stockholm Syndrome. She loves me . We were going to be married , for fuck's sake, and then she disappears for eight years and reappears and suddenly, all she can think about is this bloke... And now she's pregnant and apparently had two other children?" Tom demanded of her. "Why is she telling you all this, anyway? It should be me she tells all this too."
"Because I believe her, I'm not telling her she's delusional and invalidating everything she says," Maidie snapped back. "Maybe you should try that instead of arguing with her."
"No," said Tom. "No. She needs to admit to herself that she was kidnapped and raped and that the bastard who did this to her did not love her, he hurt her, and you need to stop feeding into this delusion."
"You're not in the medical field, Tom. You don't understand anything about how the mind works. You can't just tell her she's wrong, you'll only upset her and she'll shut you out," Maidie told him, but Tom only huffed.
"The police have been called. They'll ask her questions about this.. 'Jamie'. I only hope she'll see reason enough to tell them the truth," Tom told her. Maidie was about to open her mouth to reply, but the door opened and Dr. McDermott emerged from the room.
"Mr. Randall," said Dr. McDermott, approaching the two. "Miss Fowlis is refusin' an ultrasound. We have no way of knowin' the health of the bairn without testin' her or bein' able te see the foetus."
"Then do it anyway," said Tom, and Maidie scoffed.
"You can't force her to have an ultrasound if she doesn't want it, Tom," she said to him.
"What about the baby, huh? Do you think she'll be very happy if the baby is sick and she loses it?" Tom replied.
"We'll reason with her in due time, but you can't force her," Maidie told him. "Just... Just give her time. Wherever she was... It's clear that being here is stressful for her. We have to ease her back into the life she had before she disappeared."
"Aye, a verra valid point," said Dr. McDermott. "Are ye a nurse, ma'am?"
"I am," said Maidie with a smile.
"Ye certainly do sound it. Ye should listen te the lass," said Dr. McDermott. "Nurse MacDonald will be givin' her somethin' te calm her down a bit and she'll likely sleep fer some time. The police are downstairs in the lobby waitin' te speak wi' ye."
"Thank you, Dr. McDermott," said Tom, nodding to the doctor as he left.
"I like him. He's a good doctor," said Maidie, turning her attention back to Tom.
"I think you should go," said Tom neutrally, surprising Maidie.
"Go?" Maidie asked him. "But she clearly wants me here."
"I can take care of her. I am still her fiancé... Married or not, I legally am her next of kin. I don't need you placing your opinions where they aren't wanted," Tom told her with a warning tone, and Maidie raised her brow.
"You're mad because I know what to do for people who are traumatised and you don't?" Maidie asked him. "Tom, I know you love her, but you can't be thinking of yourself, you have to think of her. "
"I am thinking of her, and someone feeding her delusions is only going to hurt her more in the long run. To get better, she needs to move on, and the longer that takes her, the harder it'll be," Tom told her firmly. "You should go."
"She trusts me, Tom. Do you really want to pull me away from her when I'm the only person she trusts?" Maidie asked him.
"That person should be me," Tom spat back at her. "You don't have to worry about her. I'll get her set up with a psychiatrist and we'll work through this. You have a child you should be getting back to, you shouldn't have to be worrying about Cat."
"Your concern is appreciated, but it's misplaced," Maidie said. "I'll stay for a little while, help with the transition to a psychiatrist. Then I'll go. How's that sound?" Tom narrowed his eyes at her; Maidie wouldn't be leaving her friend with this conceited fool alone.
"I need to go and speak to the police," said Tom, and then he was gone.
↞~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~↠
CATRÌONA POV
Loss was malignant in nature. The pain of it consumed you from the inside out and infected every ounce of your being. Darkness engulfed what was left of me the moment I awoke in the circle at Pobull Fhinn. At first, I thought it might be possible that the stones had failed to let me pass once again, until I heard the roar of the engine of an aeroplane passing up above. There were no aeroplanes in the eighteenth century... Once the aeroplane had passed, the silence engulfed me next. It was positively deafening. The stones no longer called out to me, and even my screams were silent as I pounded my fists against the tallest stone and demanded to be let through. I collapsed against it, the pain and sorrow of grief too heavy to bear.
Jamie... my Jamie...
How could I live without him? How could I live in a world where he didn't? I had felt the stabbing ache of grief before after Culloden, when I'd thought him lost to me, but I had Archie to care for, to keep me going long enough until I held the child that grew inside of me in my arms. But this time, I had no one - I was completely and totally alone. Archie had been dead for four hundred years, as had Brèagha. How could I carry the weight of all of that loss? The woman I had once been had died alongside of my husband, my son and my daughter - who would be left to love and care for the child inside of me?
The darkness grew around me and I shrank to nothing, shrouded only in the dark despair of my grief. In the hospital, with only the sound of the heart monitor to accompany me, I lay on my side, my palm resting flat over my belly. Inside me was a child who needed love and nourishment - Jamie's child. I promised Jamie that would do whatever it takes to protect his children. I did so for Archie and for Brèagha, so I must do the same for this child inside of me.
"What are ye, weeun?" I said quietly to the child inside of me. "Are ye Daddy's son or his daughter? Will ye look like him? Please look like him... It'll hurt te see yer Daddy's face lookin' back at me everra day, but I hope ye look like him. Yer Daddy will live on forever through ye... Thanks te you, he'll never truly be gone from us." I smiled softly; I wasn't alone after all.
I heard the door open and soft footsteps enter the room cautiously. At first, I thought it was Maidie, but then realised that she would have no reason to step so cautiously around me. "Cat..." I heard Tom say. "I... I'm sorry... I shouldn't have argued with you..."
"No, ye shouldnae have," I said to him, not turning to look at him as he stood behind me.
"I... I want to be here for you. You... You shouldn't be alone. You shouldn't have to raise a child alone," Tom said next.
"Ye think I cannae do it?" I asked him.
"Of course not. Cat... you're the strongest woman I know. The hell you've gone through... You always came back from it. You'll come back from this , too... And I want to be there by your side."
"I told ye, Tom. I could never love ye the same way again," I told him. "Ye shouldnae have te pretend yer all right with that. Ye should be with someone ye love, who loves ye back."
"But I am okay with that, because I love you . And I know your love for me is still in there somewhere." At this, I couldn't help but scoff a little.
"No... Yer only foolin' yerself if ye believe that," I said to him, and Tom let out a sigh.
"I want to at least try," he said. "I want to try to have what we used to... I want to start over. This... Jamie... I'm sure he'd want his child to have two parents that love it."
"Can ye do that? Love a child that isnae yers?" I asked him.
"I can if it's yours," he replied quietly. For a moment, he didn't speak, and finally, I turned over to look at him. "I cannae ask ye te stick around. It wouldnae be fair... Ye say ye can love a child that's mine, but how can ye be happy with someone that doesnae love ye?"
"We'll see what happens," said Tom, sitting down on the bed beside me. "Either way... I want to try. I want to be here for you... I've been giving everything so much thought... I'll even move to Scotland, if that's where you want to be. Your house... It's still there. We can clean it up, restore it... We can live there, together, and raise this child there together." I closed my eyes, feeling a tear slip free. Jamie and I lived in that house together... We were just starting to raise our children there, we'd lost a child there, restarted our lives there... How could I do that again with someone that wasn't him?
"No, I said, shaking my head and opening my eyes. "No, I... I'm not ready fer that... I want te get out of the isles. I'd be glad te stay in Scotland, but I dinnae want te live here."
"Then we won't. I can arrange to have you moved to Glasgow or Edinburgh. We can get a flat and live there, raise a family..."
"What aboot the life ye've had?" He paused, meeting my eyes. "As ye've said, it's been eight years, Tom. I dinnae expect ye've closed yerself off from women entirely."
"I... I have a... a girlfriend in London," he admitted. "But I don't love her the way I love you, Cat. I'll end it with her."
"I cannae ask that of ye," I said, but he raised a hand to silence me.
"This is what I want. I want you , and I want this child. I want the life that we were supposed to have when you disappeared eight years ago. I don't want anything else... but if you don't want me , I won't force myself on you," he told me, and then it was my turn to fall silent.
"I... I dinnae want te hurt ye... Anymore than I already have," I said.
"Then let's start over," he told me. "Let's have the life we talked about. Teas of all kinds of flavours, exotic meals, a cat to sit in the window, music always playing in the house. Do you remember that?"
"Sort of," I said, but I remembered all of it. The woman who wanted all of that was no longer me, but how could I deny him this? Poor Tom... I'd left him for another man, fell out of love with him, had children with another man and was pregnant with that man's child, and all Tom seemed to want was another chance... He still wanted me, even though I didn't want him. I'd always felt guilty for just abandoning him, and I supposed I was a bit bitchy to say I didn't want him anymore... Didn't a small part of me, at least, still love him? If I did once, maybe I could again... Not right away, of course, and definitely not more than I loved Jamie, but perhaps I could learn to love Tom again... "All right," I said. "All right... We'll try." A soft smile spread across Tom's face, and he reached for my hand. At first, I pulled my hand away, but then allowed him to take it. He brought my hand to his lips and kissed it, but I couldn't bring myself to watch. It was like watching that bastard of a slug, Black Jack Randall, kissing my hand.
"I love you, Cat... Everything is going to be okay. I promise you," he told me, a happy, hopeful look in his eye, but behind that happy, hopeful look was something else that I couldn't really identify. Whatever it was, I couldn't bring myself to care long enough to consider it. Jamie would have wanted his child to be raised with a father, even if it wasn't him. Do this for Jamie... Do this for Jamie...
Did Jamie get away from the English? He'd meant to die, but he'd meant to die at Culloden, too... Did Cailean get Archie and Brèagha back to Cìosamul? Would I ever have answers to those questions?