Warning: This poem contains potential mental health triggers. Reader discretion is advised.
I silently watch as you play to the crowd,
You're joking as usual; they're laughing out loud.
You light up the room, a fiery star,
Your fabulous smile I admire from afar.
Your eye catches mine, I feel my heart stall,
I think I'm in love, but when did I fall?
You're out of my league, they all know your name,
And flitter around you like moths round a flame.
The popular guy never falls for the nerd,
So, I keep my distance, unseen and unheard.
Then one standard, boring, innocuous morning,
Things change so fast and with no prior warning.
A hand on my shoulder from out of the blue,
I whip my head round to find that it's you.
My mouth's feeling dry, I struggle to speak,
What could the trendy boy want with the freak?
You ask me if maybe I want to hang out,
I'm anxiously blushing and filled with self-doubt.
But with some persuasion my brain comprehends,
You're patient and kind and we soon become friends.
We spend time together, our lives intertwine,
Reigniting the fantasy, you could be mine.
Soon you're inviting me into your home,
Your parents are out, and we're all alone.
The popular guy and the shy nerdy geek,
I'm holding my breath; you're starting to speak.
"I need to say something to someone I trust,
I've got a big secret to keep between us,
"A few weeks ago, I tried kissing a boy,
Not something I ever thought I would enjoy,
"You might find it odd that I'm asking you this,
I know we're both guys, but would you like to kiss?"
Wait, how did you know? I want to, it's true.
But my father said this was a bad thing to do.
My heart's screaming, 'yes'; my head's crying, 'no,'
So, I'm at a crossroads, but which way to go?
I shake my head, 'no,' and then look away,
I take the next bus, though I wanted to stay.
The bus pulls away and I leave you behind,
The idea of kissing you plays on my mind.
Was that something real or was I being taunted?
Could it really be me that you wanted?
I find you're persistent and try it again,
You sense that I want to; it's not 'if,' but 'when.'
You break down my walls and I finally cave,
Capitulating to what we both crave.
Your lips are so gentle, I melt with your touch,
I don't want to stop; I like you too much.
And each time this happens, I can't get enough,
It's hard to deny that I've fallen in love.
We keep it a secret, pretend we're both straight,
If challenged, we just laugh, and claim we're good mates.
A birthday, a party, we both have a drink,
Combined with the noise, it gets hard to just think.
You suggest we get air, so we go for a walk,
But once out of view we do more than just talk.
We halt our embrace to the sound of snide jeers,
Distraught to find out we've been caught by our peers.
We get back to school, where more insults are thrown,
You take extra care I'm not left on my own.
We're the target of threats, now that we've been revealed,
But you stand in the fire, and act as my shield.
The torment continues through infinite weeks,
They're calling us faggots and saying we're freaks.
And each time, you're there, stepping into the fray,
"Does this even matter? So what if we're gay?"
A cancerous tumour found inside your mother,
She passes away; you need space to recover.
But the taunting continues; we're still taking stick,
I see you pretending your skin's super thick.
But inside you're mourning, don't know what to do,
Can't lean on your father, since he's grieving too.
Parents and teachers then all get involved,
Conflicting opinions, so nothing gets solved.
Exam season starts, and you hold it together,
But the glue's growing weak and it won't hold forever.
You pass the exams, and it gives me new hope,
But inside you're fractured and struggling to cope.
I find out you're smoking to try to stay sane,
Claiming it helps you to deal with the pain.
I gently remind you it's bad for your health,
You break it off; tell me to go screw myself.
You call me a nerd, say I don't understand,
Flick ash in my face, stick your head in the sand.
I watch helplessly as you're spiralling down,
You get a new boyfriend and move out of town.
I tell you this lover is no good for you,
You tell me I'm jealous; remind me we're through.
Your boyfriend then dies of a drug overdose,
But you won't lean on me, though I thought we were close.
Instead, you sink into a pit of despair,
I try to reach out, but you don't seem to care.
I visit you often; you don't visit me,
You're losing yourself, it's so hard to see.
You're not the same person; you're drunk and you're high,
I reach out to help you; you tell me goodbye.
Standing up to the bullies has taken its toll,
They've butchered your spirit; they've slaughtered your soul.
Guilt spreads right through me; it's partly my fault,
You took every bullet from all their assaults.
Your scars run so deep, while I hardly have any,
A result of you taking one bullet too many.
I took you for granted, and now I'm ashamed,
I should have done better; I know I'm to blame.
But I can't turn back time and you won't let me in,
So, I carry the guilt every day deep within.
Now five years has passed, I've found a new beau,
We're happy together, I won't let him go.
You have my phone number, I think of you still,
I hope you might call but not sure if you will.
I hear the phone ring, and it's you on the line,
"Hey, how's it going? It's been a long time."
"I've just hit rock bottom, can't pay what is due,
Don't know where to go, don't know what to do.
"I spent way too much time and cash getting high,
It cost me my job and I just want to cry.
"I owe people money, and feel really stressed,
Want to turn it around, but don't know what's best.
"My creditors say that they'll take me to court,
And I knew I was floundering, needing support,
"But I couldn't reach out; I didn't know how."
"What matters is that you're doing it now."
"You've taken this step, it's the start, not the end,
It's clear that you're sinking; I've got you, my friend.
"Just like you had my back, when we were at school,
Standing up to the bullies, and those that were cruel.
"Until you get clean, I'll cover your rent,
Then we need to look at the money you've spent.
"We'll pay back your debts and the money you owe,
You can owe me instead, no stress, take it slow."
It's breaking my heart to see you this way,
My fiery star; fragmented and grey.
The therapy starts, the rehab does too,
Like you did with me, I take care of you.
My partner supports us by pledging his oath,
Keeping his promise and helping us both.
The three of us soon become thicker than thieves,
The changes we're making are hard to believe.
After one awful year, most debts are repaid,
We pause to acknowledge the progress we've made.
Not out of the woods, but no longer stuck,
By mad combinations of choices and luck.
Still fighting our demons, to the bitter end,
Let's fight them together; I love you, my friend.