NSFW
You approach me from someplace far away. My heart trembles, how can I express this feeling?
You leave me for someplace far away. How can I stop these tears from falling?
You stole my heart from the start. You gave me an incurable disease.
I wish to become a flowerpot. I pray to God, always.
- Flowerpot, Loveholic
Gentiana scabra is a wildflower found in Korea and Japan, known for its bright blue and purple colors. When Gentianas flourish, their weak stems hold more blossoms than they can manage and sway, eventually falling to the ground. Still, between the fallen leaves and broken stems, new flowers will keep blooming throughout the season, earning its flower meaning of "I love you despite the sadness."
***
Justin was already awake when Brett returned home at dawn.
"Where were you? Why didn't you answer my calls?" Justin asked, rushing to the front step. Brett smelled buttered toast and fresh coffee brewing in the kitchen, a comforting aroma that soothed him down.
"I was worried," Justin sighed, touching Brett's cheek with affection.
Brett didn't answer but tiptoed to kiss Justin lightly on the lips. Just from that small gesture and the guilty look from Brett, Justin knew Brett was with Eddy.
"Is something wrong?" Justin asked.
"Eddy...broke up with Hannah. He is going through a rough time," Brett replied. As soon as he opened his mouth, Brett choked, unable to conceal a painful cough that he has been hiding all night next to Eddy. A few petals flew out of his mouth, landing right between his feet.
"Baby, you should..." Justin patted Brett's back alarmingly, trying to help Brett breathe better. Brett quickly wiped his bloody mouth with his sleeve, as if to show he couldn't care less about the freaking flowers right now. Justin stopped what he was about to suggest and sighed, smoothly stroking Brett's back instead. "Alright, I understand. So no work today?"
"Probably not. Eddy is not in the condition to do anything. I need to go back to him. I just came back home to gather some stuff."
Brett passed Justin and walked straight to the bedroom. Justin stood unmoving in the front step for a moment as Brett started to pack his clothes and laptop.
"Don't forget your cellphone charger," Justin managed to croak out as he followed Brett to the bedroom.
Brett hurriedly threw his stuff in a small duffel bag and slung it over his shoulder. Just as Brett was about to leave, Justin tightly hugged Brett from behind, stopping him.
"Brett...are you going to stay here if I ask you to?" Justin's voice was quiet.
Brett fell silent as he looked out the window to the backyard. The purple chrysanthemums were still growing in the corner, despite how Justin had said it would wilt in no time. Brett couldn't help but think how much Justin resembled that flower. Such a perfect sweet person, ready to give his all to Brett, and yet...
"I'm...not sure," Brett stammered, closing his eyes in shame.
"Don't leave me. Stay here," Justin pressed Brett to the wall.
Before Brett could even resist, Justin started kissing Brett, strong and desperate. Brett gasped in Justin's mouth as a warm tongue lustfully enclosed Brett's, pressing firmer on the lower lips. Justin knew exactly how Brett liked to be kissed. Brett's breathing raced as he felt a growing heat between his legs when Justin's thigh rubbed deeper into his. This was so perfect. This moment was just what Brett needed. However, Brett pulled back, gently letting Justin know that he should go.
"I'm sorry," Brett whispered under his breath.
Justin's eyes were still closed in pain as Brett slowly untangled himself from the hug.
"I...I will call you," Brett said shakily, running out of the room.
***
"Eddy-!" Brett's eyes widened in horror when he came back and saw Eddy slumped on the couch, breathing heavily. The curtains were all drawn and the house was gloomy and silent. The world was moving on without them outside while Eddy was still stuck in the dark.
Brett picked up a half-empty bottle of liquor rolling next to the couch. Pincer Shanghai, 88% alcohol.
"Eddy. Are you alright?" Brett frantically shook Eddy awake.
"...Hey," Eddy sluggishly opened his eyes.
"You idiot. You know your alcohol tolerance. What made you think you can drink this?" Brett almost shouted, holding the bottle up in frustration.
"I'm alright. I'm really alright. I just ... felt like I needed to drink," Eddy drunkenly replied, swatting Brett away.
"Don't give yourself any more drama. Things are bad as it already is - oh fuck," Brett swore as he saw Eddy suddenly sitting upright, his face pale. Brett quickly grabbed the nearest trashcan and shoved it under Eddy to prevent the mess on the floor.
"What were you thinking?" Brett sighed in exasperation. Brett grabbed a cold water bottle from the fridge while Eddy gagged the clear liquid out from his system.
"Wash your mouth and drink it," Brett ordered.
Eddy obliged, downing all the water in one go. Then he fell to his side dizzily, reaching for his cellphone at the edge of the couch.
"I think she blocked my number," Eddy murmured.
"Maybe. That is... possible," Brett sat down next to Eddy, helping Eddy prop his head onto Brett's lap. Eddy snuggled into Brett's lap, sighing heavily.
"I still love her," Eddy gazed up at Brett, his eyes weary.
"It is hard moving on," Brett wiped some cold sweat off Eddy's forehead.
"How do you know?"
"I'm older," Brett shrugged his shoulder, trying to act nonchalant.
"Then tell me, how do you move on?" Eddy asked again, his eyes half-closed.
"I don't know. I'm still figuring that out myself," Brett smiled faintly down at Eddy.
Eddy stared at Brett's sad smile for a while and then reached out his arms to pull Brett's face closer to him.
"Kiss me, Brett?" Eddy whispered.
Brett froze, not knowing how to respond. Was Eddy just drunk-talking? Was it just a game that he's playing? What on earth is Eddy thinking?
"...why?" Brett asked, his voice tinged with fear.
"I need someone tonight. Just like I needed someone to practice kissing," Eddy sat up a little, his face only an inch away from Brett's now.
Holy fuck.
Brett instantly stood up, almost as a reflex. Eddy rolled out from the couch and to the floor like a sack of wet potato.
"... sorry, I need a drink," Brett opened the half-empty liquor from the table with trembling hands, downing it. His stomach felt like it was burning alive as the alcohol ran down his throat. This was wrong. Eddy is drunk. He is probably not thinking through this correctly - probably not even considering that Brett is a guy at this point. Brett should just take Eddy to the bedroom and let him sleep. Why is Eddy making this so freaking difficult?
"Are you serious?" Brett's voice quivered, facing Eddy.
Eddy stood up from the floor, trying to gain his balance. He grabbed Brett's shoulder for support.
"Am I being selfish?" Eddy asked as he leaned toward Brett.
Of course, Eddy Chen. You are acting enormously selfish. Using your best friend as your one-night stand partner to get over your ex-girlfriend? Really?
"Yes," Brett nodded his head, tears welling up from his eyes. "Yes, Eddy Chen. Is this just a joke to you? You and me? Twosetviolin? Nothing matters to you, right? You selfish-"
Brett fell to the couch as Eddy pushed Brett down with a rough kiss. Brett cried, slashing his arms out but Eddy's heavy body pressed upon Brett, making it hard for him to breathe. Brett soon stopped resisting and began to kiss Eddy back with a fiery passion he didn't even know he had inside him.
Yes, I love you, Eddy Chen. You will have no idea how much I wanted this.
Brett cried out in pain when Eddy's lips trailed to his neck, biting the soft skin. Tears rolled to his cheek uncontrollably - he was loving and dreading this moment at the same time.
"...I'm sorry, Brett. Don't cry. I will stop," Eddy halted, feeling Brett's wet cheek. Eddy quickly pulled away, hiding his face in his palms in shame. "I was drunk, I'm sorry. I know this is weird. I was just lonely and...I don't know what I was thinking. You were just there and you are always there for me and gosh, Brett, I messed up."
Brett hiccuped, wiping a stream of tears flowing from his eyes. The spot where Eddy bit was tingling, turning into a deep purple.
"You are my best friend and I swear to god I don't think of you as anything more or less than that. I promise, Brett. I will never force you into anything like this-"
"It's...only for today," Brett cut Eddy's word short, panting between the words.
"...what?"
"Let's promise each other, that we will forget everything tomorrow," Brett pulled Eddy back into his embrace, wishing his heart could just break into million pieces so that he wouldn't even know if it hurt anymore.
But it hurt. Terribly so.
"I want it to hurt," Brett shut his eyes tight, feeling another stream of tears falling to the side of his face. Brett knew this moment wouldn't last - a midsummer night's dream that will disappear tomorrow. Brett wanted this moment to carve itself painfully into him, almost like trauma, so that he would remember every single detail of this day. Brett wanted to remind himself that he didn't imagine all of this in his head when he recoils at the pain.
"I'm drunk but still, I know I don't want that," Eddy spoke softly.
The rest of the night was a blur between the tears. Oh god, Brett has done this with Justin before but that was more gentle, calmer, and slower. Eddy was definitely rougher, and Brett's head span at how fast everything was progressing. It felt as if the world was about to end, starting with this creaking bedframe.
"Why are you crying? I don't want to do this if you don't like it," Eddy looked up at Brett with a worried look.
"No, I'm just thinking...of something else," Brett hastily responded.
"About what?"
"...you don't want to know."
Brett cried as he felt the world repeatedly shatter and reconstruct under him, a point that Brett knew too well meant no going back.
***
"...Shit, Brett. You're bleeding," Eddy's eyes widened in shock when he was finally done, seeing the smear of red on the couch.
Brett didn't have the energy to respond as Eddy ran to the restroom to grab a clean towel.
"You should have told me when it hurt, Brett," Eddy muttered guiltily.
"I didn't know. I'm sorry," Brett lied.
They laid together on the couch after that, waiting for the air to cool down. Eddy broke the silence as he checked his phone once again.
"It's hard to believe she's not ever coming back."
"I thought you were the one who told me to act cool in a situation like this," Brett winced at the pain radiating from his hip as he turned to face Eddy.
"Bro, you begin to lose every ounce of your pride when you're in love with someone so much. Everything is just...fire."
Brett considered the sentence. Brett was letting himself be a one-night partner because first, Eddy said he needed someone, and second, Brett also wanted Eddy at the moment. So casual, almost laughable even. Here Brett was, surrendering every last bit of his dignity.
"Yes Eddy, I can feel that," Brett murmured.
***
Eddy soon fell asleep, tired from sex. Brett looked down dreamily at Eddy's sleeping face for a long while. Brett longed for Eddy to be his, but Brett knew he was wishing for something that he shouldn't.
What did Eddy say today? That he swore to God he didn't think Brett as anything more or less than a best friend? Didn't that phrase already explain so much about this relationship they had?
Brett's gaze landed on one of the many flowerpots on the windowsill.
I wish to become a flowerpot, Eddy. I will become a flowerpot that sits on your small windowsills.
I wouldn't speak anything, I wouldn't wish for anything.
I will just enjoy your smile, feel your gentle touch once in a while.
And I will gaze at your sleeping face as long as I want through the night. Like this.
Brett could feel his phone vibrating across the room but he didn't go to pick it up. Eddy needed him and Brett was here. Brett needed Eddy and Eddy was here.
Nothing could break this, at least not today.
*gentiana scabra*