A/N Chapter 9! This is coming together as a beautiful story now and I am grateful for all the fans that have read and supported this fic.
Enjoy!
Leanne stopped for a second to absorb the golden glow. It was her favorite time of day, the sun had risen enough to stream through the high windows and flood previously dark hallways with light. She had just come off her shift. Today she had done it. She had saved lives. She had given people hope for a new day. Despite the losses of the night, she had healed those who had a fighting chance. Although exhausted, she would relish the next few hours before succumbing to the darkness of sleep.
She stopped when saw Meredith walking alone in the hall. "I take it you've been discharged?"
"Yeah," Meredith nodded, "I'm going to visit Amelia again."
"Good." Rorish nodded slightly. Meredith looked rested, and there was something else... Rorish wouldn't call it happy, but there was a certain peace about her. Her haunted features evident earlier that morning were gone.
"Does it get any better?" Meredith asked, looking down at her hands.
Rorish considered her feelings. In the darkest deepest part of her she would never truly be whole again. When her family died a piece was amputed from her and she hobbled along with phantom pain most of the time. But she visited that place less and less these days and some days the pain wasn't as sharp. "You will never be the same, Meredith." She said quietly. "But if you have something to live for, that's enough most of the time... and it gets better, a little every day."
"I hate it. I hate that he's gone and I have to feel this."
"I know." Rorish said. Something nagged at her, something that Meredith had said earlier but dismissed. The carosel. "Meredith, what did you mean by getting off the carosel?"
Meredith avoided her gaze and seemed to shut down, but then she cleared her throat, "I can't move forward right now. I left my life behind, the hospital, my career, my friends, family... I just left. Is that a bad thing?"
"No. It's not." Rorish swallowed, "I'm glad you came back for her."
"It was because of you... what you said."
"But you listened." Rorish said.
Meredith nodded, and for a moment they were connected in their grief, fellow comrades in the struggle to just be. Rorish nodded back, "Take care Meredith," she said before she continued on her way down the hall.
xxx
"What are we doing?" Malaya asked as she followed Christa into an equipment room. Christa had paged her moments ago saying it was urgent, and now they were sneaking around equipment supply rooms.
"Come on." Christa said as she glanced around the room, looking for something. When she saw what she was looking for she smiled and moved equipment out of the way to get it.
"Wait, is that one of the new ultrasound machines?" She had only seen them once before and they were reserved for the OB. These machines have to be assigned to a patient by an attending OB. So what was Christa's reason for being here?
"We're going to test it out."
"We?" Malaya asked, this was so against the rules, they could get into a lot pf trouble.
"I need to get it to Amelia's room."
"What? She's not pregnant."
"I know. It's not for her, its for Dr. Grey."
Malaya stopped and rubbed her forehead,"What? Christa, I'm confused."
Christa sighed, "You want to help Amelia right?"
"Of course."
"Well, we're going to give them a little hope. Are you going to help me or not?"
The image of Amelia crying alone on her bed flashed in her mind. She didn't quite know what exactly Christa was planning, but she trusted her. If it would help Amelia, then she would do it. "Okay. I will."
"Come on, let's go."
xxx
Amelia stared at the ceiling. They were going to discharge her tomorrow, she just had to make arrangements. Dr. Rorish promised to discharge her if she checked into an outpatient facility in seattle for six month grief and addictions counseling. She just didn't know if she trusted herself.
A week ago she recovered from the shock of Dead Derek by cracking jokes about him. What the hell was that about? I just don't want to be hurt again... she thought. After her fiance and her baby died she couldn't let herself hurt like that. That kind of pain led to drugs, escaping and possible overdose. She could lose everything, her career would be over. So she stopped feeling anything.
Then Owen left. It was the last straw for her. She thought she wouldn't care about it, it's not like they were anything anyway. Owen had already pulled away. But then she was alone. Truly alone. She thought she didn't care about that. But it hurt more than she expected, and she ended up in LA trying to hide or run or find comfort, but instead ended up lost. When she came to LA to connect with some of her old friends she wanted to show strength. But when she tried to reach out to them, she couldn't because she felt so hollow and empty and fake.
Better a cut, better she hurt herself physically then feel the pain of Derek's leaving her right? But she lost control, the first cut too deep and full of rage, the second more out of spite and self-hatred.
She stared at the bag of bloody clothes they left her and felt ashamed. Somebody mentioned getting her some scrubs or something, but nothing materialized yet.
She heard a noise and saw Meredith in the doorway. She sucked in a breath, shocked to see her. "Hey." She looked over for Bailey and Zola, "Where's the kids?"
"Asleep, the nurses are watching them."
"Mer- I'm-"
"No, I'm sorry." Meredith interrupted. "I shouldn't have yelled at you like that." She stepped into the room and dropped a bag onto the bed. "I brought some extra clothes, We're about the same size right?"
That simple gesture by Meredith surprised her, Amelia picked up the bag, "You didn't have to do that," she said, but she was very relieved and grateful. Slowly, trust was being built again. "Meredith, you're right," she sighed, "I need to feel something, I need to let myself feel. I'm scared it will hurt too much."
Meredith sat on the bed beside her and touched her hand. "Well I think I can help." Meredith said. She looked behind her and nodded at someone unseen. "Now get off the bed."
"What?"
"Get off the bed." Meredith started to unzip her pants,
"What the hell, Mer?" Amelia stood up and looked around in confusion. That's when she saw Mayala and another blonde doctor enter the room pushing a very high tech ultrasound machine.
"Come on, we don't have a lot of time," Merideth was saying. She pulled her pants off and made herself comfortable on the bed.
What was going on? Amelia thought Why was there an ultrasound machine in her room, there was no need for it, unless...
The blonde doctor plugged in the machine and pressed some buttons. "It's ready Dr. Grey."
Meredith shoved a bottle of gel into Amelia's hands. "I hope you remember how to do an ultrasound, Dr. Shepherd. I need to know how far along I am. Hostile uterus and all."
"You're pregnant?" Amelia sputtered.
"What can I say? Derek and I had to make up, and that involved sex. Lots and lots of sex. Now hurry up, I'm getting cold."
xxx
Meredith watched as Amelia moved the wand in small circles over her abdomen. She was scared, scared that this was a mistake because of her hostile uterus. This was impulsive- but in her heart she knew it was good. Amelia needed to see. They both needed to see.
She thought about one of her last conversations with Derek. How happy he was, how happy they both were. I want more... Derek said, of this, of us-of... I wanna have more.
Another baby?
Sure.
I-Seriously?
Now it was happening, except Derek was gone. "Amelia," Meredith said. She had to tell her, prepare her for the possibility. Amelia looked up, her expression unreadable. "I need to tell you that I'm scared. I'm scared of losing the baby."
"I know," She whispered. "I'm scared too."
"But I'll do everything I can to carry it to term."
"I know you will."
"You and me, we share this. We share Derek."
Amelia nodded slightly and continued her exam.
That's when she saw it. "Look!" Meredith exclaimed. There on the screen was a blob, no bigger than a kidney bean. A Mcbean. It wasn't just a fetus she was seeing now, it was hope, it was the future.
Amelia was smiling now too, a hesitant anxious smile, but one nonetheless. "That's what? Eight weeks?"
"Yeah." Meredith agreed. But her heart ached, because she knew that she still couldn't be there right now for Amelia. It would be painful for the both of them. Amelia's pain was just too much to bear and going back home so soon was more than she could handle. Meredith had to find out who she was outside of Derek and the hospital. She had to find her own strength as a mother. "Amelia?" Meredith started, "Um-,"
Amelia's smile disappeared, "You're not coming back, are you?"
"It's still too much. I'm sorry."
xxx
"It's still too much. I'm sorry."
Amelia's heart sunk. She felt like Meredith had slapped her. She felt like she would fall again into the abyss.
"Amelia..."
She looked again at Merideth, saw the mixture of emotions on her face, saw how hard she was trying just to keep it together, and she knew that she had to be strong too.
"You'll come back sometime right?" Her voice cracked. "Sooner rather than later?"
"Seattle is my home, and I'm not my mother."
Amelia cleared her throat. "I'm your family."
Meredith smiled. "Yeah, you are."
"I'm still mad at you. I have abandonment issues."
"You need a Person."
"A Person?" There it was again, what exactly did she mean?
"If you murdered somebody, who would you call to help you get rid of the corpse?"
"I-What?" Where did that come from? Meredith was so weird sometimes.
"A best friend, Amelia. You have a best friend?"
"Uh... I" She didn't know what to say. Honestly she never really thought about it because she always just buried herself in her work. In another life it would have been Addison, but she wasn't so sure now.
"Oh! What about Owen?"
"Seriously? That's the best you can come up with? I thought you didn't like us together."
"I never said-"
"He's in the middle east anyway."
"What? He left? That is so not allowed."
They were quiet for a moment except for the wooshing of the ultrasound. Meredith reached over to the machine and pressed a button. Then she put her hand over Amelia's and guided the wand to a certain spot. "Listen,"
Amelia heard it. The fast thump-thump of the baby's heartbeat, strong and steady. An unexpected surge of emotion filled her heart. She didn't know what it was. She breathed deep and tried not to show it.
"Print a picture," Meredith ordered.
Amelia printed the picture and handed it to Meredith. Meredith clutched it, tracing the outline of the blob with her fingers. Then she and sighed and put it into Amelia's hand.
"You keep it," she said. "You need something to hang on to, okay?"
Amelia stared at the black and white outline of the blob. Tears streamed down her face. "Okay." she choked."Why am I crying?"
"It's good Amelia," Meredith said, her eyes also watering. "You're feeling something. It's hope."
A/N You might be wondering why I didn't keep Meredith and Amelia together. I just think there is something significant about Meredith needing to find out who she is on her own. She needs space- and Amelia doesn't seem to be the space giving type. Epilogue up next!