No one registered Sirius' absence until dinner time. The adults all thought the children were together; James and Lily thought he was with Ellie; Ellie thought he was with James and Lily. There was no panic until everyone had convened in the Potter's dining room and suddenly they were a man down.
After leaving Camille and the Orangery, Ellie had gone in search for her friends, only to be intercepted by Euphemia and dragged into the kitchen whilst she cooked. The loving woman berated her about the tattoos she'd caught sight of, and then forced Ellie to chop up the carrots, the beautiful girl unaware that Sirius had supposedly gone to find her. All whilst James and Lily lounged in his room as he talked her through the different Quidditch teams he had jerseys hung up for, everyone under the impression that Sirius was with someone else.
"I saw him outside earlier and he took off towards here." Camille told everyone, "Could he not just be in his room?"
"I'll go and check." Ellie rose out of her seat immediately, but her Aunt stopped her with a careful hand on her shoulder.
"I think James should go."
The messy haired boy pointed to himself briefly, but then shrugged and stood instead, brushing the back of Lily's hair down gently as he wandered off towards upstairs.
"Why couldn't I go?" Ellie demanded.
"Just something he said, is all." Camille replied casually, "James will get him, don't panic. Sirius seemed in a bit of a mood."
"Did he tell you why? What did he say?"
When Camille shared a pointed look with Cyrus, Ellie began to panic. Sirius couldn't have been in a bad mood, he'd been smiling so wide this morning, and she was desperate to know what was wrong, what it was that had changed.
"What did he say?" Ellie repeated with more force, but before she could get a response, James' voice was calling.
"He's not up here!" The worry was evident in his tone as they listened to his thundering footsteps racing back down the stairs, his feet coming to a skidding stop in the dining room doorway, "His Hogwarts trunk is gone, his wand off his bedside table, his vinyl." James was frantic, eyes wide and chest heaving, "I think- I think he's gone."
Euphemia gasped as she clapped a hand over her mouth and Ellie was out of her seat in seconds, racing towards the hallway to put her combat boots on.
"Camille and I will head back towards home, see if he's in the forest." Cyrus announced quickly, "Fleamont, search your garden. Euphemia, you contact Andromeda. For all we know he's gone to see her last minute. And someone should check Protea House."
"I think Ellie's already going." Lily said and they all fell silent.
Only a second later, they heard the beautiful girl's voice shouting from the living room, the roaring of flames following.
"We'll go after her." James announced, grabbing Lily's hand and dragging her towards the living room.
Ellie shut her eyes tight as she was swallowed by the green flames. She wasn't entirely sure how she knew that Sirius would've left for Protea House, but she just got a feeling and let that guide her. Heart in her throat and mind reeling with all the worst possible scenarios, she didn't move through the Floo Network quick enough. This type of panic was what she expected to feel when she knew he was out on Order missions in the future. But there was a high possibility that he'd took off and gone chasing Death Eaters now.
There was no such thing as an overreaction in the world they lived in now. One foot wrong and you could be found, caught, killed, and Sirius was beyond reckless at the best of times. Ellie only prayed that he had just gone to see Andromeda.
But that didn't turn out to be the case, for as soon as she found herself stepping out of the fireplace at Protea House, she was cupping her hands over her ears. Music was blasting out from somewhere, a rock song that Ellie didn't recognise, that was physically shaking the floor. There was no way of knowing where the record player was, so she stumbled forward, wincing and trying to force her mind to think straight. Something that was significantly difficult when everywhere was so loud.
She tried shouting for Sirius, his Hogwarts trunk was right there next to the sofa, but it was no use. He probably wouldn't have heard her voice if she was shouting down his ear. All there was to do, was push through the noise. The fact that there was even music playing in the first place was a sign Sirius was hiding somewhere.
As soon as Ellie took another step, the smell hit her. A foul, bitter smell of liquor and something else that had her stomach churning. This wasn't the sweetness of butterbeer, or peaty tones of firewhisky - this was Muggle liquor, strong Muggle liquor. One bottle of which was empty and rolling on the floor in front of the sofa. Ellie kicked it aside and prayed that it had been left over from Alphard, that there had only been a couple of glasses left in it. On the table though, sat a part empty bottle of firewhisky that she recognised had lived in the bottom of Sirius' Hogwarts trunk all year so far, along with his wand, and her panic took a hold of her entirely now. Whatever state she was about to find Sirius in, wasn't going to be a good one.
Yet, even with this in mind, nothing could've prepared her for what she set eyes on when she rounded the end of the sofa.
There, splayed out on the floor like a discarded rag doll, was Sirius. Unmoving and surround in a pool of vomit, he perhaps hadn't been duelling with Death Eaters, but he'd definitely been duelling with a different type of demon.
Ellie didn't care for getting dirty, the contents of his stomach smeared down his chin and over his t-shirt didn't register as her knees gave way, and not a second passed before she was trying her best to pull him into her arms. Limp and cold to the touch, this was her worst nightmare, and Sirius didn't stir when she moved him. He didn't even breathe, and Ellie shattered.
Her tears fell so furiously that her vision was entirely blurred as she shook him, patted his cheeks, kissed his forehead. Anything to coax him back from wherever he was. But she had no idea how long he'd been out, how many times he'd thrown up, whether he'd been unconscious for too long.
She sobbed and held him tightly, screamed over the music that was ringing in her ears - the music that was slowly becoming some awful funeral march. Sirius' eyes were rolled up in the back of his head, stormy grey gone; his once porcelain skin a strange shad of grey; and his hair... Sirius would be mortified if he knew his hair looked like it did. Stuck to his cheeks and matted together by dying vomit. Ellie did her best to push it out of his face, flatten the tangles as her other hand smoothed the angry creases in his permanent frown. But he still wouldn't move. He still wouldn't breathe. And she knew.
The handsome boy had slipped away and she'd never see those stormy grey eyes again.
When James and Lily came stumbling out of the fireplace, they weren't prepared for the scene either, and Lily was sent right back again to get more help. James took one look at his best friends on the floor, his family, and tried to pry Ellie away. There was no missing the fact that Sirius wasn't breathing, and all she was doing was rocking them both back and forth as she sobbed, but Ellie fended James off with one violent arm.
"We need to get him on his side, Cubs!" He tried to reason, yelling over the music. But it was no use, Ellie couldn't hear. She could only stroke Sirius' cheek as if she was trying to lull him into a calming sleep, "He could've choked. You need to let him go so we can get him on his side."
But she wouldn't, and her wails of pain were the only thing that James could hear besides the thudding of the music. They continued to wrestle as he tried to pry Ellie off, so conscious of the fact they needed to move quickly, but she screamed hysterically and held onto Sirius' limp body tighter. She cradled him close to her chest, so tightly but so gentle, still rocking and still soothing him between each guttural screech.
"He's gone." She howled on repeated, "He's gone."
There was no reasoning with her. Ellie was lost in a hysterical guilt. Sirius had been here alone, no one had known, no one had come for him, no one had worried. He'd slipped away in a pool of his own vomit alone. She'd promised him that she'd never abandon him again and now there was no way for her to apologise, because he was gone.
The adrenaline rush that these last two days away had been were like his big grand finale, like the last burst of a dying star before it fizzled out forever. He'd burned brighter than ever as a last hurrah and no one had noticed. She'd been lost in all his beauty, dazzled by all his sparkling colours, and blinded by his brightness. Everything he'd confessed to her was a cry out for help and she'd dismissed it with petty promises and reassuring words. But what good were they when he'd already been on the way to burning out, when he'd already been spiralling into oblivion.
"Sorry." He'd begged when they'd made up, "Do you forgive me?" Like he'd been making amends in his final days.
"Never again." He'd declared about them arguing, because he didn't want to spend those last bits of time miserable.
"You're saying you'd marry me next year?" She'd asked and he'd nodded without hesitation, "I'd try and be your perfect pureblood husband." Like some desperate cry to have everything before the end.
"I need you." Those words were tattooed on her mind.
Just like that tattoo he'd chosen for her - "Because you've always been my guardian angel, Cubby. I wanted to show you." But she'd not been guardian angel enough.
Ellie should've seen it coming, she was so angry at herself for not noticing him getting ready to blaze for one last time. And now it was too late. He was lying limp in her arms, swallowed by the cold nothingness of space and unreachable.
Too late, too late, too late.
Back in the record shop two days ago, he'd asked her why her favourite Bowie song was 'The Prettiest Star', and it was for this reason exactly. Their love for each other had always felt like something in the past tense, something that had been and was now just a shadow. And that couldn't be truer now.
Sirius was gone and all that was left was for Ellie to sing her own song of when she loved the prettiest star.
It took Cyrus, Camille, and James to pry her off Sirius eventually, and then Euphemia set to work on retrieving him with Fleamont and Lily's help. Ellie wasn't allowed to watch, no matter how she continued to wail, nothing but her heard after the music was shut off. Yet, she was just as loud.
Forced in between Cyrus and James in a chair too small for them in the Library as Camille crouched in front of her, Ellie collapsed into the messy haired boy like she wanted to be consumed by him. One of her hands tangled in his hair, but it wasn't as long as Sirius', as soft. She tucked her face into his neck, but he didn't smell of smoke and old leather. No one would ever be what Sirius was to her, no one could compare to his smile, his voice, his touch, his anger and spite. All of his ugly parts that she'd loved and lost too.
Time blurred as they sat there. Ellie registered Cyrus and Camille being replaced by Lily, she even registered when Andromeda appeared briefly, but she wasn't entirely existing in her own body. There was no way to describe how she hurt, how she ached, and the emptiness that spread like a cold wildfire. And exhaustion caved in on her after hours of crying. Ellie knew that was the only peace she was going to get for a long time, whilst she was sleeping. This was exactly like when Adelaide died.
But she didn't get to rest for long enough and she was being stirred from her dreams filled of stormy grey swirling and bark-like laughter too soon.
"Sweetheart..." It was Cyrus coaxing her awake, but the hands drawing soothing swirls on her cheek were James'. She remembered falling asleep on him, "Sweetheart, we've got him..."
"Too tired." Ellie mumbled, unable to force herself conscious. Already that aching emptiness of cold wildfire was spreading in her chest again.
"Sirius..." That was Lily's voice, and Ellie flinched at the handsome boy's name. It's too soon, "Euphemia's stabilised him, Ellie. He's not gone."
It took a couple of minutes for the information to sink in, for Ellie was running on a time lag from exhaustion. But then her eyes shot wide and she about rolled off the sofa, all three people with her collectively helping to catch.
"What?" She stammered out.
"Sirius is going to be alright, sweetheart." Cyrus told her gently, helping her to her feet as he wiped away the remainders of her dried tears, "You can go and see him if you want to."
Ellie nodded furiously, mind reeling, and Cyrus took her hand and led her slowly out of the Library. She didn't really process climbing to the top floor, passing Alphard's old dressing room that they'd messed around in not many days ago, or even padding into the master bedroom. But they got there somehow, and Ellie's steps faltered in the doorway.
"It's alright. He's going to be okay." Cyrus soothed.
"But he- He wasn't- I'd lost him." Ellie spluttered, her tears quick to return.
"You're right, he wasn't breathing. He'd choked on his own vomit, sweetheart. Because he'd drank so much. But Mia managed to clear his airway and he's breathing again." Cyrus explained as gently as possible, "He's sleeping now, but you need to know that we don't think he's very well."
"But you said he's gonna be okay."
"He will be, but there's something else going on that's making him poorly." Cyrus kissed her forehead, "Up here."
"He's just broody-"
"People don't get into these states for no reason. Even if that reason is no fault of their own... Andromeda understands what's going on, alright? When he wakes up, she's going to speak to him about it."
Ellie wasn't convinced. Sirius was fragile, broken perhaps, but that didn't automatically mean that he was unwell.
"Can I see him now?" She asked desperately.
"Of course you can."
A part of Ellie wasn't convinced she'd been told the truth when she first lay eyes on him. He was as still and as sickly grey as he had been when she'd held him, and tucked under the duvet like he was, she couldn't actually see he was breathing again. But he did look like her Sirius once more - clean and as handsome as he always was. He'd be happy about that. Euphemia, Fleamont, and Andromeda were all placed around the huge double bed watching her creep over slowly, looking just as exhausted as Ellie felt and relieved too. Though the beautiful girl wasn't sure she'd feel relieved until she was staring into those stormy grey eyes again.
Sirius had never slept peacefully without her by his side and he didn't look peaceful now, so Ellie crawled into the empty side of the bed next to him, careful to not disturb him in any way. She stared, willing the rise and fall of his chest, just a twitch of an eyebrow - something to indicate to her that he truly was going to be okay. But his body remained unmoving. Slipping one hand under the duvet to rest it gently on his chest, Ellie only sighed when her hand moved with his shallow breaths.
"Oh, puppy..." She whispered, "My beautiful, broken boy. You can rest now..." And Ellie could've sworn she saw his whole body relax, "I love you. All of you. Even like this."
"Are you going to stay with him?" Euphemia asked, only for Ellie to hum softly in response, "Alright, honey. You shout us when he wakes up."
"Can you, um... In his trunk." The beautiful girl began, keeping her voice down as her eyes remained on Sirius, "There's a dog. A stuffed one... Can you get him?"
Fleamont was the one to nod once and disappear from the room, the others remaining still until he returned. Ellie didn't know whether she was asking for Snuffles for Sirius' comfort, or her own, but logistics didn't really matter.
"Here." Fleamont said as he handed the stuffed dog over, slightly breathlessly like he might've ran all the way down two flights of stairs and back up again, "And there's this too..." He held out the blue leather bound diary that Ellie had gifted Sirius last year, his thumb stuck in one of the pages, "We found it open on this page and-"
"She doesn't need to read that." Euphemia cut in quickly, but Fleamont didn't listen.
"I'm not saying read it." He said to Ellie quietly, "But I think you'd be the only one he'd trust it with."
So she tucked Snuffles in between her and Sirius before taking the diary, shutting it and holding it close to her chest. Only when she turned her gaze back onto Sirius wordlessly, did the adults make their leave.
Ellie couldn't bring herself to read a single word of Sirius' diary. Not just because she valued and respected his privacy, but because there was liquor splashed on the edges of the pages, and by the way Fleamont had offered it her, no doubt the handsome boy had written in it during his darkest hour. Those words, whatever torment was swirling in his mind, wasn't something she wanted to read.
Somewhere along the line, with one hand still pressed against his chest and her other clutching at both his diary and Snuffles, Ellie fell asleep again. This time though, there was no peace in her slumber, just worry for whatever state he might wake up in.
Sirius would've liked to have said that he couldn't remember what had happened last night when he finally stirred, but he wasn't that lucky. Instead, he remembered every tortured and pitiful moment. The seconds had felt like hours as he'd drank directly from the bottles of Alphard's old liquor stash, for if he was going to be a disappointment to everyone, he might as well live up to the name. And once he was sufficiently tipsy was when he began writing in his diary, spilling his inner monologue, but also digging himself into a deeper hole. After that, the music went on to drown out all the noise in his head.
He'd not meant to collapse, but one last swig turned into just one more, and maybe another, and before he knew it, he was spilling his guts all over the floor. How weak he'd felt after that had hit him in a forceful tidal wave, he'd collapsed and the rest was blurred. There was the faint memory of throwing up again, but after that, he'd slipped. Where, he didn't know, but Sirius remembered never wanting to come back from that place. Letting himself go somewhere better.
But luck hadn't been on his side once more. He'd come round eventually, tucked up in an unfamiliar bed, feeling lightheaded and drowsy.
The overarching emotion was still anger though. Anger that he would never be enough, that he hadn't been enough in the past, that everyone around him had pretended for so long that there was nothing wrong with him when clearly there was. That somewhere along the line, he'd gone as crazy as all of the Blacks with their inbred blood.
Sirius knew he was as bad as all of them, as deranged, so why curse anyone else with that. He could live on his own at Protea House in solitary confinement and see out his days alone as he became more unstable as the years went by. That was what was best.
Everything that had ever mattered to him ceased to be of importance. Hogwarts didn't need him; he didn't need Hogwarts with all the girls looking to use him as a social standing. The Potters didn't need the hassle; the Gryffins didn't; Andromeda didn't; his friends didn't... Beautiful Ellie Gryffin deserved Remus Lupin with all his caring nature and sound mind.
Yet, when he rolled over, he felt someone's hand move across his chest, and he came face to face with her. The beautiful girl who shouldn't be anywhere near him. A part of Sirius wanted to shake her awake violently and demand she leave, but he remained silent, staring at the way her eyelashes fluttered as she stirred too. She had Snuffles, and his diary as well, and Sirius prayed she hadn't read any of it. He'd probably have to tear out those last pages and throw them in the fireplace.
"You're awake..." Were her first words when her eyes finally opened, one hand reaching up to brush some of his hair out of his face.
Sirius batted her hand away and shuffled backwards with what energy he could muster.
"Don't touch me."
"Sorry." She stammered, retracting her hand quickly, and that was when he saw how bloodshot her eyes were, how blotchy her skin. She's been crying, "We've been so worried- I've been so worried."
"What for?" He snapped.
"You... I thought you were-" Ellie couldn't bring herself to say it, "You weren't breathing when I got here, and you wouldn't move, or- or wake up."
Sirius watched her begin to shake, but he couldn't bring himself to reach out for her.
"Well, I'm alright now."
"No, you're not." Her words were still so gentle.
"I think I know how I feel."
"Sirius, my dad says you're sick."
"I was sick once, maybe twice, but only 'cause I drank too much." He scoffed, "I'm fine now."
"I don't think he means that type of sick."
Ellie sat herself up next to him so that they could talk properly, shoving his diary into his hands. Having this conversation as soon as he woke up wasn't what she wanted, but he seemed to be in denial that anything was wrong full stop.
"Do you really think you're the first person in my life to tell me that?" Sirius only became more hostile, sitting up himself as he chucked his dairy down the bed. Ellie nearly reached out for him when he swayed from moving too fast, but his angry scowl kept her still, "Think of something original, would you."
"Please don't get defensive." She begged, "I just want to talk about it-"
"That's right, sit on your high horse and tell me how to feel as usual."
Ellie couldn't lie and say that his words didn't sting.
"I'm trying-"
"Well, stop!" He spat viciously, "Stop trying to make me talk. Stop trying to sympathise. And stop playing Healer. You don't know how I feel or how to deal with it."
"I felt like this after my mum." Ellie dropped her head, only mumbling, unprepared for the way Sirius' anger wasn't going to fizzle out.
"Wow, really? I'm so sorry, it must've been awful... Is that what you want me to say?" He scoffed, "I don't know how you could possibly know anything about this, about what I'm going through. Your life is perfect, Cubs. Perfect and carefully packaged in bubble wrap, sealed with soft kisses and declarations of affection. Everybody, and I mean everybody, bends to your will... People don't want to see you tainted, it's bad enough you've got big ugly scars. But they don't feel the same about me."
She knew that he didn't really mean his words, that he was just frustrated and there was something else going on, but Ellie still flinched. And then her own anger bubbled in response.
"I took these big ugly scars for you, Sirius, so don't you dare tell me no one cares about you. There is a whole bunch of people downstairs waiting for you to wake up, and more that couldn't be here. A whole bunch of people that have been worried sick whilst you recover from trying to drown yourself in a mix of alcohol and your own vomit."
Sirius forced himself to ignore the way tears welled in her eyes.
"And I wonder what drove me to do that?" He mumbled instead, looking away from her and picking at the duvet.
"I can't- I don't want to talk to you like this." Ellie breathed shakily.
"Well, I'd rather be on my own anyway."
He didn't watch as she got off the bed to leave, his chest heaving and head spinning. Sirius had sunk so deep into an ocean of self-pity that he was drowning helplessly and refusing anyone's attempt at a rescue. There was water in his brain that was muddling rationality, and he was gasping for air that wasn't available. In that moment, anyone could've told him anything and he wouldn't have believed it - Sirius was entirely convinced that everyone would be better without his messy self in their life.
Just when he thought that Ellie might have left, something soft hit him in the side of the head, and he realised that she'd thrown Snuffles at him violently.
"I thought that you'd- I thought you were dead..." She sobbed, hot tears streaming down her face, "And you don't even care."
Sirius had no reply, so she stumbled out of the room without looking at him again.
Nothing processed in Ellie's mind until she was on the ground floor, padding into the garish floral living room which still smelt of sour liquor. Everyone else was in there, all congregated together and speaking in hushed voices, Lily and James pressed side by side in an armchair that was too small for the both of them. Though as soon as Ellie had paced into the room silently, her eyes vacant and hollow, the messy haired boy was up and striding over to her. He didn't hesitate for a second before scooping her up in his arms and Ellie about collapsed as her tears started streaming once more.
The adults all ceased to speak, Lily wanting desperately to comfort her friend too, but knowing that she needed this moment with James, and they all waited for an explanation as to why Ellie was so worked up again. Euphemia was about to go rushing back up to Sirius, panicked that they might have lost him in his sleep, but then the beautiful girl was wailing into James' shoulder.
"He- he doesn't care." She sobbed, "He doesn't care that we worried, that we were frightened for him, that he could've- could've..."
"Is he awake?" James asked gently, smoothing the back of Ellie's hair. She nodded, "What did he say?"
"He just wouldn't listen. I tried to- to tell him that we all care about him, but he's so angry. I don't know why."
"Your dad told you, didn't he?" James pulled away from their hug to wipe her tears away, kissing her temple and keeping his lips close to her ear, "Padfoot's not-"
"Up here?" Ellie cut in, patting the top of her head to show him that she understood what he meant.
When he nodded, she scowled.
"We're gonna make sure he gets better... We're gonna fix him up and find a sparkly new version of Sirius."
"He's not- Everyone keeps saying- I don't care." Ellie shook her head back and forth as she stumbled over her words, "I don't want a sparkly new version of him. I just want Padfoot... I love him. All of him. Even when he's angry like this."
"I know you do."
"Don't change him. Don't make him into something he's not." She begged, "He's hurting and I don't want him to hurt, but he's still perfect. To me, he's perfect... He's not sick. To me, he's just Sirius. And I'll have him like this, even if you all won't. He doesn't need fixing up, he just needs time to heal. An opportunity to."
"But we don't know why he's hurting, Cubby."
Ellie's eyebrows screwed up in confusion. Wasn't it obvious? It was to her. Can nobody else understand? She didn't know whether it was just because Sirius had always been so vulnerable with her that she knew exactly what was going on, or whether everyone else was just blind.
Regretfully, she might have lost her temper with Sirius just, but only because she was frustrated. He'd told her, and Ellie knew, that he didn't think anyone cared about him. Sirius had always felt that way. It didn't matter how many times he was told, he'd thoroughly convinced himself that he was unlovable and worthless in the eyes of others. Which was exactly what was happening now. Sirius would perhaps always be broken, because he'd never believe what others told him, whatever the future held. Ellie understood that and she didn't care. He wasn't sick in the head as her dad had said, he didn't need 'fixing up', and they certainly didn't need 'a sparkly new version'. Whilst she knew everyone meant well and wanted to try and help, they were all so wrong. In her eyes, they were so wrong.
Ellie would love him in his entirety, right now, regardless of what state he was in or what anyone else tried to tell her. How could she abandon him in his darkest hour? How could she let her Sirius wither away before her eyes as everyone else pieced together a different one? How could she stand back and allow them to change the boy she'd fell in love with?
Broken or unbroken. Scars or no scars. Lost or whole. Ellie would love him because that was her way.
"I'll go and speak to him." Andromeda broke away from the other adults to come forward, beckoning Ellie towards her for a hug, and as soon as they were caught in their embrace, Sirius' favourite cousin was whispering in her ear, "I know what's going on in that head of yours, and I'll tell him." When Andromeda pulled away, she addressed everyone else, not missing the way Ellie sighed, "You can't fix what the Blacks have done, Sirius will always be like this. Insecure, angry, challenging to speak with... If you want to be prominent figures in his life, you will have to be the ones that change. Which is a big ask, I understand that, but he won't be moulded into something you want him to be. People have tried that before and this is where we are now. You have him how he is, or not at all."
It was a wake up call for everyone, that was clear enough, but no one flinched. No one protested, and Ellie watched them all realise the truth. Sirius was never going to be an easy person to be around, and his relationships with everyone were always going to be volatile, but he was worth the effort. And not one person in that room bowed in defeat. Euphemia and Fleamont's gazes hardened as if they were welcoming the challenge; James and Lily shared a knowing look; and Camille stood indifferent next to Cyrus who was only watching Ellie. When his daughter raised her eyebrows slightly, waiting for his reaction, he simply nodded his head once. That was his way of saying 'we follow your lead'.
"I might be a while." Andromeda squeezed Ellie's shoulder gently, "Try not to worry."
The silence that followed her exiting the living room was thick with a sense of determination. From now on, they'd all strive to hold Sirius closer than before and refuse to let him push them out. The handsome boy may always be insecure, but they could remind him how much he meant to them as often as he needed it.
Andromeda braced herself by sighing before she knocked on Sirius' bedroom door, for she knew how difficult the conversation she was going to have with him would be. There was a high probability that he wouldn't even speak in the first place, but she'd persist until he did. It was beyond important that Sirius listened now, that he communicated, regardless of whether he wanted to or not. This whole situation of him working himself up over some unknown reason, running off, and getting himself into trouble with alcohol, was something Andromeda could see him easily repeating. And that was the last thing they needed. They'd almost lost him this time, and she dreaded to think what would've happened if they hadn't gotten to him when they had done.
As soon as she knocked, a voice was calling.
"Go away." Sirius grumbled from inside of the room, but Andromeda ignored him, barging in anyway.
"You have better manners than that." She scolded, moving immediately to sit on the side of his bed where he was curled up in a pathetic looking ball, Snuffles tucked under his chin, "I'm glad to see you awake. You had us all worried."
"I've heard."
"Something tells me you didn't listen though."
"I did." Sirius rolled away from her, and Andromeda couldn't help but feel as if she was trying to coax a grumpy Nymphadora out of bed in a morning, "I heard the part where Cubby told me that you're booking me a bed in St. Mungo's crazy ward."
"Do not speak like that. There are plenty of unfortunate souls that cannot help the situation they're in, victims of terrible accidents. You won't belittle them by turning your nose up."
"But that's what's happening, n'est-ce pas?" Sirius spat, pulling the duvet around him tighter for protection, "You all think I'm unwell."
"They don't. Not now, at least." Andromeda remained as calm as usual, unfazed by his childishness or harsh words.
"Oh yeah? What changed your mind?"
"More who changed their minds." Sirius' head moved slightly and Andromeda knew he was listening more closely now, as if he was asking who she was speaking about without words, "Ellie. She's really fighting for you, even after this mess. And I won't lie, you've really caused a mess this time."
"She always fights for me." Sirius grumbled.
"You say that as if it's a bad thing."
"It's- It's not..." He rolled back over to face her properly, and this was the first time that Andromeda saw his bloodshot eyes. Sirius had been crying, and even now, his voice was rough and shaky. He sighed, "But she shouldn't do it."
A long silence followed. One where Andromeda tried to formulate how she was going to navigate this dark hole of self-pity that Sirius had fallen into as he sat himself up, trying to right the tangles in his hair and wipe at his cheeks when she wasn't looking. When someone had knocked, for a moment, his heart had done a stuttered leap as he waited for Ellie's return. But then he'd realised that the beautiful girl wouldn't have knocked if it was her, and he'd told her that he wanted to be alone. It's best she stays away, he reminded himself for the hundredth time since he'd woken up despite his heart's protests.
"What do you want from life, Sirius?" Andromeda eventually sighed, shifting on the bed to get a better look at how his brow crumpled with confusion.
"What d'you mean?"
"Your future, what do you want it to look like? What would you like to achieve? Where do you want to be in say... five years?"
"It doesn't matter what I want." Sirius scrunched up his nose and dropped his head like he was trying to hide the fact he was sniffling, "I'll never be-"
"You'll never be what?" Andromeda cut in fiercely, "Good enough? Worthy enough? Whole enough?"
"Never enough of anything." He bit back harsher than he meant, an anger overspilling in his chest without warning.
His cousin never flinched.
"Who says so?" She raised her eyebrows in challenge, but Sirius didn't have a reply, "I'll ask you again, what do you want?"
There was a lot of things that Sirius wanted now that he never thought he would do, that wasn't an easy question. None of those things were perhaps conventional though. He wasn't desperate for a stable career in a particular field, somehow he knew the war wouldn't allow him one; he wasn't desperate for a particular house, he had one of those; he wasn't desperate to travel, or make lots of money, or live an extremely fulfilled life. But there was one thing that he truly wanted with all of his heart. All of his soul.
"I want to make her happy." He whispered.
"Ellie?"
"But I can't 'cause I mess everything up and push her away by accident. I don't want to, I just always do. And I can't give her what she needs and what she wants- what she will want-" When Sirius started to cry, Andromeda cut in, slightly stunned by not only his emotion vulnerability with her, but also his open confession.
"How do you know that?" She asked carefully, shuffling closer as he scrubbed at his eyes.
"'Cause- 'cause I've never been enough. Never will be enough for her."
"Has she told you that?" Sirius shook his head reluctantly, "Then how do you know you're not exactly what she wants already? Or maybe even more."
"She doesn't deserve me..."
"I think you should let Ellie decide what she deserves, hm?" Andromeda raised her eyebrows again and Sirius sunk back into the headboard, one of his hands fumbling for Snuffles like a toddler in need of comfort, "You want to love each other, and the only reason you can't is because you've got it stuck in your head that your worthless. Honestly, Sirius, I want to have more sympathy for you, but you are literally shooting yourself in the foot." He sniffled, and Andromeda shut her eyes briefly, "Believe me, I know all about how it feels to think that you are loving the wrong person, and you'll only be miserable if you ignore this."
"It's either I be miserable, or I make her miserable." Sirius replied without hesitation, but he was ignored.
"Can you feel her slipping? Because she should be by now, even if she's still fighting for you." Andromeda continued harshly, "Can you feel her slowly drifting further and further from reach? Is she noticing other boys more? Maybe even flirting with them?"
A wave of sickness washed right of Sirius, and he brought a hand up to his mouth, thinking he might actually hurl. When he swallowed back the bile rising in his throat, he met his cousin's expectant gaze once more.
"She's been snogging Moony." He admitted shamefully, just as if it was his own wrongdoing.
It certainly felt like it was, like he'd been the one to push Ellie into Remus' arms with all his confusing behaviour and cruel words. Even if he knew he shouldn't be with her himself, for her own good, Sirius still didn't like the idea of her with anyone else. That's so fucking selfish. So possessive. So greedy. He knew so, that voice in his head didn't need to tell him. How much more deranged can I get?
"There you go." Andromeda threw up her hands in response, "What would you do if you got an invitation to the wedding of Ellie Gryffin and Remus Lupin right after you graduated next year?" He remained silent, shaking his head back and forth slightly, "I've always liked to think you're clever, Sirius. Open your eyes and realise that she's stood gazing at you. All of you..."
"But I-"
"I'm only going to say this one more time, because after that, I don't think anyone will make you understand." Standing swiftly, Andromeda's gaze turned almost menacing, "Ellie knows everything. She knows every word they ever spat at you, every hex they ever used as punishment. She knows your temper and your anger. She knows your stubbornness and how difficult you find it to comply. She knows about the dark corners of your mind and how maybe you're not pristine or perfect or pretty on the inside... Ellie doesn't just see your face. She doesn't just hear the charming words that come out of your mouth. And she still loves you." A tight feeling settled in Sirius' chest, "She'll be the only one. Everyone else will see just below the surface and turn away because you're not beautiful in your entirety. The Blacks made sure you weren't."
"How do you-" He began desperately, trying to convince himself her words weren't true.
"I know, because Ted looks at me the way Ellie looks at you, and he has been the only one in my life who loves me for who I am."
"Not just for what you're supposed to be..." He finished.
"You stop pushing her away, Sirius, or so help me Merlin."
This time when silence fell, Andromeda looked like she might be the one to break down, whilst Sirius was able to pull himself together a little. He understood what she'd told him, he'd taken it on board, but he knew he still needed a little time to actually process it, let alone act on anything. For now, as far as he knew, Ellie and Remus had something going, and Flora was still very much a problem.
"D'you think I could come to yours for Christmas, if you'll have me?" He asked carefully, the shock evident all over his cousin's features, "I think it'll be quieter. I need the quiet right now."
"I'll always have you, as long as it's not because you're running away from your problems." Andromeda always saw straight through him, and he could tell she wasn't happy, but she also didn't refuse, "You come for Christmas, you relax, you get back into a better headspace, because none of us want to see you hurting like this... But then you fix things with Ellie- No, you tell her how much she means to you, that you want her to be your partner."
Sirius was definitely not ready for that yet, and he screwed his face up in awkward disgust.
"Partner?" He spat the word out like it was poison.
"She'll be a lot more than just your girlfriend when it happens, Sirius. I know that, she knows that, we all know that." Andromeda made her way to the door, satisfied that she'd got his mind whirring away on something that should hopefully have a positive outcome, that she'd helped him see there were people willing to put in the work with him. Just as she was about to leave though, she paused with one hand on the doorframe, "In fact, I think the only person who doesn't know that is you... Fix it."