songs
Exile by Taylor Swift
"I think I've seen this film before
And I didn't like the ending
You're not my homeland anymore
So what am I defending now?
You were my town
Now I'm in exile, seein' you out
I think I've seen this film before"
Coney Island by Taylor Swift
"If I can't relate to you anymore
Then who am I related to?
And if this is the long haul
How'd we get here so soon?
Did I close my fist around something delicate?Did I shatter you?
And I'm sitting on a bench in Coney Island wondering where did my baby go?"
Two years later
I
Your knuckles hit the punching bag once again, as your breathing gets heavier, and your heart beats faster. Screams can be heard from the outside of the tent, and a couple of helicopters flying nearby; noises you have become used to in the past few months.
When you arrived here, six months ago, you were aware of the look everyone kept giving to you. The one that comes way too naturally to hide, the one that shows up something painfully evident; you were not the kind of person who survive in here.
Everyone around you seemed big, and though, and experienced and strong. You, on the contrary, felt young and small, and overall, broken.
But the thing about being broken is that after the worst thing you imagine happens to you, there are not a lot of things that can hurt you, nor a lot of vulnerability inside of you.
So you acted recklessly, and sometimes stupidly brave, not because you were, but because you really felt you had nothing else to lose. Deep down, you expected that adrenaline would not only take the physical pain away but also the memories you could not let go inside of your mind.
"Hey, hey" Jeff, the man in charge, looks at you with a noticeable frown. "What did the bag do to you?"
You look at him, and when his eyes go down to your hands you realize there is a small cut on them. You clean the sweat out of your forehead, exhausted, and then take a bottle of water from the floor.
"Put some ointment in them," He says, and even though it sounds sweet, his voice and face make it seem like an order. "And hurry up, I want you in the main tent in ten minutes"
"Why?"
"There are some men from the investigate task force, i want you to meet them" He explains. "You have worked the most with the suspects, and the interrogations. With your profiles, and all of that..."
Jeff rolls his eyes, you have had a great number of conversations about profiling. He is a military man, way too practical and distrustful to believe in it. You had explained to him that is science, but he still hasn't changed his mind.
A superficial smile appears on your lips, deep down you know that old man, that you really see like a version of the grandpa you never had, appreciates your work.
"I think you should meet them"
"Soldiers?" You ask, raising one of your eyebrows.
"Agents," he says, and you immediately frown.
Taking a deep breath, you nod.
"Fine, I'll be there."
Jeff leaves the tent, and you run to the medical tent once again.
After a few weeks in here, that place became frequent in your life, as you usually ended up there with some kind of injury. The first time surrounded by first aid kits, you had just been attacked by the man you were interrogating; he lost control after you made him angry with your witty mouth, and it took you by surprise.
Dylan, the doctor of the camp, a man that seemed to be nicer than the rest, helped you clean your wounds.
"What are you running from?" He had asked, with a smile, after a couple of seconds in silence.
You frowned immediately, a little bit annoyed, and were ready to tell him it was not of his damn business when he opened his mouth again.
"I'm sorry," he said. "It just... you don't choose to come to Pakistan out of boredom, you know?"
And he was right, you didn't.
You were ready to forget, desperate to leave it all behind.
They always say coming here changes you like it was a bad thing.
However, you wanted exactly that.
To be changed, for better or worse.
To someone or something to take everything inside of you, and turn it into something else.
And even though you didn't feel it at first, you convinced yourself that it was working. You decided to ignore the nightmares you had each night; you decided to suppress the fact that you couldn't even think about trusting someone after your best friend for ages almost killed you; and, lastly, you decided to keep by yourself how every single time you closed your eyes you saw him, with his stupidly perfect black suit, and his cold and frowned expression becoming kind to you.
You forced yourself to keep going and pretend you were fine. But you still had questions, and still were hurt, and angry.
You had gone to California with the conviction that you would come back to Virginia in less than two months, once your mind was clear, and you had enough strength to speak about what happened.
However, you never received an answer, not even a call.
And then, on your third week in your aunt's house, Strauss appeared. With complete serenity, she explained what you feared the most; Hotch was more than fine with you not being in his life, and he didn't want you back.
You didn't believe it at first, it didn't make sense. But then you saw the papers, the ones that officially let you out of the team and the bau, with his signing at the end, and knew your life in Quantico had truly ended.
Strauss held you, even though you did not allow yourself to cry, and once you were completely healthy and strong, she insisted in helping you find a new job. With contacts all over the country, she found you a desk job in a unit in San Francisco.
You thought you would be able to start a new life, you had done it before. But there was something different this time.
You were different.
After five months, you quit your job and looking for something to do with your life, you felt desperate and frustrated. The realization hit you; you could go anywhere, just not home.
So, without a previous warning to your family, you ended up here.
When you get into the medical tent, there is a pair of eyes looking at you from inside.
"Dylan already left?" You ask, looking at him.
"Yes, they need him in another location, two camps away" The young man explains to you. "He will be fine."
"I know," you say, walking towards the supplies.
"Do you need any help?"
"No, no," you murmur, looking for something to put on your knuckles. You have spent enough time here to know what is going to help you. "I can do it"
You put some ointment in your hands, then put a bandage on top, so it doesn't get dirty.
"Done" you murmur, catching his attention. "Hey, when does Dylan comes back?"
"Probably in two days"
"Good, can you tell him to find me when he does?" You ask, walking out of the tent.
You hear his answer when you're already out, immersed in the earthy main road.
The main tent is close, so you don't spend more than three minutes walking over there. On your way there, you start listening to some kids laugh and immediately know what is it about.
Since you're staying near a village, there are always people near, and every single day you see the same little kids playing around with a ball.
The first time you spoke with them was because one of them kicked the ball towards you, and you quickly kicked it back. Since then, you have made it a habit; every single day, if you're free, you spend twenty minutes playing soccer with them.
It is the closest thing to happiness you have found here, the laughs that come out of you almost feel genuine.
So now, when they kick the ball towards you, you take it, without surprise.
"Guys, I'm sorry, I can't stay right now!" You scream, kicking the ball back to them. Some of them boo, and you run towards the main tent, promising tomorrow you will.
"I thought i told you ten minutes" Jeff raises one of his eyebrows, looking at you the moment you get into the tent.
You look at the watch on your wrist, then roll your eyes. "Twelve, ten... It's the same"
Jeff rolls his eyes, and you focus on the tall men a few feet away from you. There are a bunch of them, and they all seem to look at the table, so you can't see much but their backs.
"So, investigate task force, you said" You murmur. "Do you think they're going to be assholes like the last time?"
Jeff immediately gives you a bad look.
"Language," he says, but then gives you a smile. "I hope not."
Raising your eyebrows, you make a face, and your eyes go again to the four vests in front of you. There are three blondes and one dark-haired man.
Taking a deep breath, you follow him through the tent, getting closer to the men. Jeff doesn't let you see much, actually; since he is a big man he occupies almost all your sight.
"Gentlemen," He says, almost proudly. "This is the agent I told you about"
They all turn to you, and your eyes immediately go to the only brunette.
"She used to work for the Behavioral Analysis Unity, and now we have the great pleasure of having her there"
"It's a pleasure to meet you," You say, as you shake the hands of the four men, and they all greet you.
"She has been working with the interrogations" Jeff keeps explaining, and you notice a weird gesture in one of the men.
"I'm sorry, you said the Behavior Analysis Unit?"
"Yes" you murmur, uncomfortable; it is not a subject you like to touch.
"That's interesting!" Says another one, and he is about to keep talking when you interrupt him.
"Well, I assume you want to go through the files..." You say, walking past them to get to the reports you have filled.
"Actually, we already read them," The brunette says.
"What?"
"Yes. Our chief did." Says another one, who seems to be younger than the rest. The playful smile on his face corroborates it. "He was quite impressed, but still wrote some annotations."
"Annotations?" You frown, a little bit outraged.
"He is a hard man to please," The same man says, smiling.
You don't think it's funny. Actually, you think it's annoying and completely disrespectful.
The anger in your face, and your arms crossed in front of your face, seem quite funny for the guys in uniform in front of you.
"I'm sorry, and who is this chief you're talking about?"
One of them looks at you, then right behind your body.
"I will let him introduce himself," The blonde man says, amused. "Hey, chief!"
You lick your lips, frustrated, and ready to turn back to the stranger that just came into the tent.
But then, a low tone of voice makes you freeze.
"What?"
It is only a word, but you recognize it immediately.
Even though you're not prepared for it, even though you're not sure if you're going to be able to take it, your body turns around, naturally, and your eyes look for him.
Just like the first time his eyes landed on you, you feel unable to breathe.
The muscles on his face are tense, and he immediately frowns, trying to control his expressions.
"Agent Hotchner" Jeff comes to your side, while he keeps looking at you. "This is the Agent I was telling you about."
You look down, there is something so different about him. Of course, he is not wearing his usual suit, but besides that, he hasn't shaved his beard. With the khaki pants and the blue vest on top of his body, he almost looks like another person.
He walks towards you, and you feel the need to step back. However, you don't, and when he is right in front of you, you have to look up to catch his eyes.
With complete indifference, he offers you his hand. And like the words were painful and hard to pronounce, he takes his time.
"It's a pleasure to meet you"
The moment you feel his warm hand against yours, you feel shivers down your spine.
II
Hotch gets into the tent with the same serious and tired expression he has had since arriving here. He sees the team he has been leading for the past few months and a big man in front of them, right before one of his men speaks to him.
"Hey, chief!"
"What?" He says, and the big man that he thinks it's called Jeff moves a little, just enough for him to see the girl a few steps ahead of him.
His eyes find your scalp first, and the way your hair is tied in a ponytail.
Then he frowns, feeling like an idiot.
It has happened before, actually; he has found traces of you in every single place he has been.
It occured a lot more in the first months after you left, in the supermarket, in the park, it was like you were everywhere. It had stopped after a while after he decided to move on, but sometimes his brain would betray him, and find any resemblance in a sea of people for him to think of you.
But then you turned your back to him, and everything slowly crumbled down around him.
There were too many feelings inside of his chest, too many thoughts that he didn't actually comprehend, and he seemed to be caught in them.
That is why he keeps still, analyzing every single feature on your face, like trying to corroborate you are real.
"Agent Hotchner" The big man speaks. "This is the agent I was telling you about"
He walks towards you, and even though his face is completely serene, you can still notice the way his breathing is hard.
His eyes go to your lips, then your nose, then to the small and almost unnoticeable freckles on your cheeks. Like every single detail hurts him, he looks away, only to come back a few seconds later, with a mask of indiference.
"It's a pleasure to meet you," he says, acting like he doesn't know you at all.
He doesn't want to explain to the rest of the team how he knows you, but deep down, he is not sure if he is really pretending.
The woman in front of him looks like the one he used to love, but he is not sure it's the same.
When he shakes your cold hand he notices the way your body tenses.
Your chest stays still, while you look at him, and the moment he listens to your voice again too many memories start appearing on his mind. Memories he didn't need, memories he fought too hard to forget.
"The pleasure is mine" you murmur, feeling out of breath.
He quickly pulls away, looking at the rest of his team, and leaving your side.
You look at his face one more time; two years have happened, and you try to comprehend what is left of the man you used to know.
"I'm sorry" you murmur. "I need to..."
You can't speak again, you're way too focused on leaving the tent, and his presence, the fastest you can.
Once you're out, you take your hands to your legs and try to regulate your breathing.
You can't comprehend what is going on.
"Hey, are you okay?" Jeff comes to your side, placing one of his hands in your back.
You nod, closing your eyes for a second. "Yes"
"What happened?"
"I was a bit sick before training, I shouldn't have done it" you lie. "I'm fine, really"
"Sir, the vehicles are ready!" A man screams to him. "We leave in ten"
"The vehicles?" You as, confused, trying to change the topic.
"Yeah, we're going to another camp" He explains. "And you're coming with us. Get ready"
III
The road to the camp is long enough for you to lose yourself inside of your thoughts. Looking through the window, you try to organize your mind, make it all make sense.
"Are you going to tell me what happened to you back there?" Jeff looks at you, on the back part of the jeep. There are two soldiers in the front part, and the rest of the agents go in another vehicle, with Hotch.
"I don't know what are you talking about" you shake your head, slowly. "Nothing happened"
Jeff looks at you, serious. "You're lying to me"
"We're not friends, you know?" You frown, being rude on purpose.
"Oh, aren't we?" The old man says, faking indignation. "And what am I going to do with the bracelets I have been making for the both of us?"
You smile, rolling your eyes, and he offers you a friendly stare.
"Just want to make sure you're okay, kid"
You decide to lie. "I'm okay"
He looks at you one more time, in silence, and decides to keep it that way.
IV
The military camp where you were heading was small and rudimentary. Most of the people in there slept in tents, and since there was not any village near, they had really basic services.
At dinner, you go into a huge tent, filled with plastic tables, and the same portion of food in every seat. You hated going to military camps because there were mostly men, and soldiers. This time there were more agents at your side, but that surely didn't make you feel any better.
"Here," Jeff says, as soon as he notices you're walking with a tray.
He is seated with the four agents you met this morning, but Hotch doesn't seem to be with them.
Smiling awkwardly, you double-check he is not around, before taking a seat.
"And Agent Hotchner?" Jeff asks, like reading your mind.
"He already ate" They explained. "He wanted to go to bed early since we're leaving tomorrow morning"
You look at the food on your plate, knowing it is not true.
He is avoiding you.
The small talk is long enough for all of them to finish their plates and leave you alone with Jeff.
The man in front of you looks at the dried spaghetti in front of him, then smiles. "Margaret makes the best spaghetti in the entire world, eating this after tasting her plates should be considering torture."
You laugh a little, knowing she is his wife.
"When i come back home, I'm going to buy as many packages as i can, and I'm going to ask her to cook them every single day, i swear to god" He keeps talking, and you drink a little bit of juice to swallow the pasta.
"Do you miss her?"
"Every single day" He murmurs, and you smile. "Even the things i do not like about her, you know? I guess that happens when you get old with someone. You're so used to the person, the whole person, the good and the bad... you even miss the way she used to sing that awful Sinatra song. I hated it... the song, and how out of tune she sang it. But right now, i close my eyes and i see her, singing it, and god, i wish i was there to hear"
You smile, looking at the old man.
"That's sweet"
"I have my moments," He says and realizes you're narrowing your eyes. "What?"
"I know what you're doing"
"What do you mean"
"I have been six months here, and you have mentioned Margaret twice. The first time it was when i had that awful wound in my arm, and then again when it was my birthday, and nobody noticed because i didn't tell anyone, and you thought it was sad." You say.
"Which means...?"
"Which means I know what you're trying to show me a little of yourself, and your life back home, in order for me to share something too. Because you're curious and think this tender moment of vulnerability is going to make me talk..."
"You're a monster," He says, and when he speaks again, you smile. "A smart one."
You smile, triumphant, but when you remember your current circumstances you realize there is nothing to be happy about.
You take a deep breath, looking at the entrance of the tent.
"I knew him," You say, quickly. "Agent Hotchner."
"From work?" He says, raising one of his eyebrows, and when you look at him he realizes. "Oh"
"Feels like another life. It was, actually"
"Was it bad?"
"The ending, yes." You murmur. "The rest of it... it was beautiful"
Jeff nods, slowly, realizing you're eyes are already fighting not to become teary.
"I don't really want to speak about it" you murmur like it was a plea.
He feels bad for a moment, for making you talk about it. "It's okay, I'm sorry, kid"
V
When you get out of the huge tent to go to the one that was assigned to you, you take a deep breath, thinking the fresh air of the night will clear your head.
You can't sleep, once you're inside, you can't do anything but move around the pad and think about him.
You don't understand what is he doing here, how could be possibly in Pakistan. You wonder about Jack, and the rest of the team, and the circumstances that brought him here. You think about his thoughts, and about the serious and cold expression he gave you this morning in the tent.
Then, ask yourself the same question you have been asked since you left home; why didn't he call? Why didn't he try to contact you? Why was so easy for him to let you go?
You spend the nights thinking about it, and you have no idea, but there is one more soul awake in the camp with the same thoughts.
The next morning you're up before anyone else, and you try to be the first one to get to the car.
However, when you get there, you immediately regret it.
Hotch is leaning in one of the jeeps, with his arms crossed on top of his chest, waiting for the rest of the people.
Your eyes go to his beard, and the way it shapes his face. He looks so different, and you seem to be fascinated by the change.
His eyes find you, and you stop walking for a second. He was already frowning, but when he notices your presence it is like the gesture gets even more evident.
In his eyes you find pain, but also anger.
You swallow, and he immediately straightens his back and begins to walking away.
"Wait" you murmur, feeling terrified, but having the need to feel his eyes on you a little more time.
"Can we..." you murmur, and your voice sounds broken when you realize he is ignoring you. "Hotch..."
"Don't," He says, licking his lips, once he already gets far away from you. "Just pretend you don't know me like you have been doing all this time. You're an expert on that"
"What do you mean?"
You ask, but he doesn't stay to listen to it.
VI
There is fire and screams all around you when you open your eyes again.
A soldier opened the door for you, and you looked around.
Hotch was standing right next to the other vehicle, and you caught his eyes again, right before he looked away.
"Thank you" you had murmured to the soldier, right before entering the car.
Jeff was right behind you, and when you both were inside of the car, and you look through the window, trying not to show the emotions that your eyes reflected, he frowned, but didn't say anything.
It was not until you were halfway to your destination that he spoke.
"You know, kid" he had said. "I always knew something had happened to you"
You frowned, looking at him.
"I think i get it now"
Shaking your head, you looked through the window again.
"I told you i don't want to speak about it" you had murmured, crossing your arms in front of your chest.
"Just let me say one thing" He had asked. "Please"
Your eyes met him, as you slowly nodded.
"You don't let something beautiful go to waste"
He had offered a smile, right before an awful sound made you go deaf for a couple of seconds. You closed your eyes immediately, feeling a strong movement and holding hard into the door of the car.
You really don't understand why there is fire and screams all around you when you open your eyes.
With your face completely distorted with confusion, you take your hand to your head, then the rest of your body, like making sure you were still there.
Then the shooting starts, and you immediately try to get out of the car. You stop right beside the door, still not understanding what just happened.
Inside the car, you can see Jeff, trying to take off his belt.
"It was an ambush!" He screams, while you look around, and see the third vehicle in flames. You feel a knot on your stomach like you're going to throw up. "You need to..."
Everything is way too rushed and chaotic, and then you see a splash of blood right in front of your face.
"No!" You scream, desperately when an abrupt noise makes you realize he has been shot in the neck. Jeff stops speaking, and his eyes open while his hand goes to his neck. "Shit, shit, shit"
He fells into the backseat of the vehicle, while you try to take him out of it, but fail tremendously.
It doesn't take too much time till you're being dragged out of the car.
You fight against the strong arms that take you, pressing you against the man behind you. You don't get to scream, because a huge hand is on your mouth.
When you're on the floor again, and you realize there is no reason to keep fighting, because the man is way stronger than you, you stop. Your breathing is still hard when he lets you turn around, and look him in the eyes.
"Shut up" Hotch mouths, looking at you, demanding. His face is covered in soot, and sweat, and you begin to wonder where he came from, and how he found you so quickly.
The shooting stops a few seconds after that, while you and he stay on the floor. His chest goes up and down, and you feel every single movement.
"Hotch..." You murmur, trying to tell him they shot Jeff, and that you need to help him.
"Shut..." He murmurs while trying to listen to the motors. He knows they won't leave until making sure you're all dead. "Up"
He licks his lips, frustrated, and then looks around one more time. You can feel your body shaking, right against his.
You look up to his face again, and feel his strong grab keeping you on the ground.
Time passes slow, as you listen to the horrible noise and feel every single movement on his body.
When there is no more shootings around you, he slowly starts moving. The motors of the men who attacked you begin to sound more and more afar.
"Are you okay?" He asks, frowning.
You nod, and he gets away from you the moment he realizes there is no more danger. You swallow, feeling his intense eyes on yours, until one of his agents call him from the other vehicle.
He walks away, and you immediately turn to the jeep beside you.
"Jeff" you murmur, scared. "Jeff, come on"
He frowns, with his eyes closed, and you suddenly feel relieved. He is almost losing consciousness, but he is alive.
"We need to leave," Hotch says, and then you realize the rest of the agents are coming out of another vehicle.
The third jeep, though, the one in flames, doesn't have any survivors.
VII
When you arrive at your camp, you feel and look like shit. Hotch and another agent are holding Jeff, unconscious, while you try to run and ask for help.
Dylan has not arrived, so you are worried about who is going to give him the medical attention he needs.
"Here," you say, as soon as they get into the medical tent. Hotch looks at you and notices the red in your eyes, and the fear in your face. "Hurry"
They leave him there, and the guy Dylan was training looks at you, confused.
"You need to help him" You demand, while panic takes over your face. "Right now"
"But I don't..."
"Right now!" You say, nervous.
VIII
A few hours pass before you're able to feel peace again. When the darkness arrives again, accompanied by some heavy clouds in the sky, the guy who was being trained by Dylan appears again.
"Jeff is stable," He says. "I stopped the bleeding"
You exhale, closing your eyes.
"I still think Dylan should see him"
"Yes, of course," you say. "He should come back tonight. Thank you so much, really"
"I'm glad he is okay," The young man says, taking a deep breath. "I'm going to take a shower"
"I will stay here a little longer," you say, looking at the curtain; the man was resting right behind it.
He nods and leaves you alone in the medical tent. You have not left the place since you arrive, because you were too scared. Hotch stayed a while, concerned about the poor man too, but ended up leaving when one of his agents called for him.
Now, in the silence of the night and the stillness of the solitude, you can begin to notice the drops of rain against the fabric of the tent.
Putting your hands on your hair, you brush it back with your fingers, stressed.
You don't know how much time passes before a noise makes you open your eyes, and look at the door of the tent.
Even though it feels like burning, you keep looking at him. You don't even have the strength to pretend you don't need to.
"I'm sorry," Hotch says, clearly uncomfortable. "I will come back in a while"
"No, it's okay," You say, shaking your head. "What is it?"
You look down to his chest and notice there is a small cut on his torso, that begins to stain his shirt with blood.
You swallow, it is too much. Him, being here, bleeding in front of you. It feels like an awful nightmare, actually. The one you're used to.
"Come inside," you say, standing up.
He thinks you're leaving, just so he can be cured, so he gets in and sits in one of the beds.
"You should have told someone before" you murmur, not being able to look at him.
"They were busy enough," He says, and his tone is piercing. When he realizes you're looking for supplies on the table, he frowns. "What are you doing?"
"You need a bandage" you explain.
"I can wait for the nurse"
"He won't be back anytime soon" You explain, taking the things you're going to need to help him with his wound.
He clenches his jaw, frustrated, and sits again in the bed. His hands go to the buttons of his shirt, and you immediately look away, as he starts unbuttoning.
His eyes are glued on the tent, and you both seem able to look at each other.
It is painfully uncomfortable, and you can't believe there was a time you both had memorized each other bodies.
You walk towards him and leave the bandage and the alcohol on top of the bed. He took off his shirt, and now his eyes are on you, following every single movement.
"Since when do you know anything about first aids?" He asks, raising one of his eyebrows. And for a second, you feel like he forgets he is supposed to hate you.
"I have spent a lot of time here" You explain, making something way too awkward for it to be a smile.
He doesn't say anything, but keeps looking at you, and the way you changed in the last few years. He can still find every single feature he memorized, every single gesture he fell in love with, and it's killing him inside.
"How is Jack?" You murmur, thinking for a second it will make things less awkward.
It doesn't work at all, and while looking down, and pretending to be focused on the implements you were going to use to disinfect his injury, you feel your eyes begin to fill with tears.
"Fine," he says. "Big, smart... He started second grade"
He notices the smile that appears on your face and loses his ability to talk for a second.
"And the team?" You ask, after a deep breath, and taking the bandage out of its package. "How are they?"
Hotch keeps silent, there was a lot happening with the team right now.
"They're fine" he lies.
"Good, good" You murmur, feeling your heart ache. They were all your friends, and they never made an effort to contact you. However, you still remember them with love. "I will disinfect it first, okay?"
You murmur, and he nods, looking away from you.
You take a deep breath, leaning on him a little.
He swallows, looking down and noticing your face and hands almost touching his torso.
You're so close he can feel a tingling on his skin the next time you speak. "Why are you here then?"
He tenses the muscles on his abdomen when you touch him, and being in contact with his skin is enough to make stop breathing for a second.
He is warm, just like you remember he always was, and as you touch him, you begin to be more and more aware of your own breathing.
"Excuse me?"
"I got scared" you murmur, not knowing where does that come from. "Seeing you here... i thought something happened. With Jack, or with the team. I couldn't think of a reason why..."
Hotch licks his lips, frustrated because you already figured out. However, he is not ready to admit it, much less to you.
With resentment in his eyes, he raises his eyebrows. "You expect me to believe you would have cared?"
The moment he says that it is the exact same moment you realize there is one more scar on his body.
Your fingers are on the skin around his wound, but they move almost naturally to the place where the last scars is. You have seen them all before, but this one.
Andrew gave it to him, but you can feel the guilt accumulating inside of your chest.
It is too much, and you can't take it all.
He is still looking down when you look up, finding his eyes. Yours are teary, and he notices it, right before you turn back.
Like you needed support to keep standing, you rest your hands in the table.
Closing your eyes, the first tear comes out.
Hotch takes the bandage out of the bed and puts it quickly on top of his wound. "I'm leaving"
When he puts his shirt on, you shake your head. "It's not done"
"I won't do this," He says, standing up, and walking towards the door. He is still unbuttoning his shirt when he speaks again. "I won't sit here, while you ask about my son and my team like you cared for us."
He leaves you alone, while the rain keeps falling with more and more force.
You bite your tongue, trying to control yourself, but end up following him. Outside, the rain hits your face immediately.
"Wait!" You scream, to be heard on top of the rain. "Wait, Hotch!"
You can see his back, and notice the exact moment he listens to you, because he stops walking.
"You're not being fair!"
That's what makes him finally turn to you.
"Fair?" He shouts while looking at you. The white shirt he is wearing is messily buttoned, and getting more and more transparent because of the water. "How can you talk about fairness?"
"I suffered too, you know?" You scream, already crying.
It is funny, actually. You haven't been able to truly cry for a while, like you were stuck in an emotional limbo, having to suppress every single feeling in order not to think about your past life.
"You were the one who left us!" He screams, walking towards you, then, the sadness invades his face. "You left me"
"You think it was easy to leave you all behind?!"
He takes his hand to his head, frustrated.
His face is fully covered in water, and you know you probably look the same.
When he speaks again, he smiles harshly, like he couldn't believe you were actually saying this.
"You ran away. It is what you do" He says. "The worst part is that i knew it since the day i met you, and i was stupid enough to believe i was going to be the exception!"
"You don't understand" you shake your head, desperately, feeling like you're drowning with all of the rain and all of the words you want to say but can't.
"Explain it to me then!".
Licking your lips, tasting the salt of your tears and the sweet water from the clouds, you shake your head. "You have no idea what I have been through. It has been hell. Absolute hell. And i had to go through it alone."
"Don't turn this around" He says, raising his index and pointing at you. "I would have gone through fire for you, and you know it. You were the one who decided to leave"
"Yeah, sure, and you had no problem with that, hadn't you?" The sadness quickly turns into anger, and you finally start fighting back.
"Excuse me?" He looks at you, outraged.
"You never tried to get me back," You say, with a lower tone of voice. "Not a call, not a message. You didn't even answer the letter!"
Hotch takes a step back, blinking.
The confusion hits his face, like a barrel of cold water.
"You wrote me a letter?"
There is something on both of your faces, that neither of you can quite distinguish; fear, sorrow, anger, you wouldn't know.
For the first time, neither of you is able to say something. The only thing that can be heard in the rain, falling into your heads.
He looks at you, astonished, while you try to clean your face from the nonstopping water.
When he gets closer to you, you realize his breathing is hard, just like yours.
"Don't try to act like you weren't relieved with me leaving, because I know you were" You cry, but this is not an attack for him.
Strauss convinced you of it; he was better without you. Everyone was better without you if you think about it.
Matthew would still be alive, even Jason.
"How can you say that?" He says, with sadness inside of his eyes. "I loved you"
You look up, feeling the need to touch him, but knowing it is not something you can do anymore.
"You loved me?" You ask, not questioning the fact, but the timing.
The both of you are way too focused on each other's features to notice the tall man approaching you from the side.
Hotch opens his mouth, ready to say something, but it is the voice of another man that is heard.
"Hey!" Right after hearing him, you feel a strong grab around your waist, pulling you into his body. "They told me you were looking for me?"
Hotch looks at him, and when the newcomer kisses your cheek naturally, he tenses. Your eyes are still glued to the man in front of you, too numb to acknowledge the presence of the one hugging you.
Making a face, you finally look at him.
"Dylan" You say, forcing yourself to smile. "You came back"
"Of course, beautiful," He says, and looks at you with a huge smile. "What are you doing here outside in the middle of the storm? Are you both crazy?"
Hotch looks at his hand, around your waist, like it wasn't evident. Then at the credential he has on. Suddenly he understand why you said you had spent a lot of time in the medical tent.
He licks his lips, tense.
"We were just talking about the past," He says it casually, but you know he is answering your question.
He did love you, and just like he said, it is in the past.
He gives one last look to you before turning around and walking away from you.
IX
Hotch gets into the medical tent minutes after waking up.
He doesn't have any special needs, but after not being able to sleep thinking about the conversation you had last night, he needed to corroborate something.
"Good morning," He says, getting into the tent. A young man looks at him and immediately greets him. "I was wondering where can i find Dylan? The doctor?"
"Oh, he is not here yet," Says the same young man who helped Jeff yesterday. "You can find him in his tent, the closest one to the main one..."
Hotch is about to thank him when he keeps speaking.
"Or you can also check (y/n)'s residence. I'm sorry, agent (y/l/n). She is staying in the only residence here in the village, like four blocks away from the main road."
His face remains still, even though he is annoyed.
"Thank you," he says, right before his phone starts ringing in his pocket. Frustrated, he walks out of the tent and answers it. "Hotchner"
"Hey, it's me." He recognizes the voice immediately. Morgan is speaking on the other side of the line. "How's it going out there?"
"You know," He says, even though his last few days have been everything but something predictable, and he feels the actual need to punch something. Or someone. Or someone named Dylan. "Long days, some territorial issues to work out. Nothing surprising. How is everything there?"
"Hotch, we found Declan Doyle"
Hotch immediately frowns. "What?"
"Listen, i knew that finding the kid was the only way i could find Doyle, Hotch. I know what you're thinking, man."
Hotch tries to focus on the information he is receiving, and not on the hundred haunted thoughts he has right now. "Is Declan safe?"
"Yeah, he is for now. I've had surveillance at his house and his school for a few weeks."
"Morgan, I didn't authorize this"
"I know you didn't Hotch, but listen to me. I think Doyle may have found Declan, too."
He stays silent for a few seconds, thinking about you, and the conversation you had last night.
"All right, I'm coming back"
X
"So, who was that man?" Dylan puts his shirt on, the only piece of clothing he took off last night, after you both got into your small room. "The one from last night?"
"Hotch?" You raise one of your eyebrows, trying to keep it casual. "An old friend"
"He seemed so dense. He didn't even introduce himself." He says, making a face, and when he notices you're rolling your eyes, he smiles. "So, friend?"
"What?"
"I have never had a screaming fight with a friend in the middle of a storm," He says, and you frown immediately. "Seems pretty melodramatic to me, too Nicholas Sparks for my taste"
"Are you jealous?"
"I have no reason to be jealous." He puts one arm at each side of your body, then smiles. "You're not my girlfriend"
"I know" you murmur, and he looks at your lips, right before giving you a quick kiss.
You two made a promise; even though you sleep together occasionally, you were not going to date while you were here in Pakistan. It was too risky, and neither of you wanted the drama and the suffering.
But, more important, you were only looking for some company, not for a relationship, and he knew it.
"So, what are your plans for today?" He asks while you put on a jacket.
"I will go and check on Jeff" You explain. "Then I will work with the agents, probably."
He nods, and you notice a special look on his face.
"What?"
"What?"
"Why are you making that face?" You ask, frowning.
"Fuck" he murmurs, shaking his head. "I wanted to wait until tonight"
"Wait for what?"
He takes a deep breath, walking across the small room.
"I have a job offer" He drops it, like a bomb. "A really good one. They want like an attending, and I would also be part of his huge investigation"
Your face lights up with excitement. "Dylan, that's amazing!"
"I know" He murmurs. "But it means I have to leave Pakistan"
"You're not doubting about it, are you?" You ask, opening your eyes. "It's such a good opportunity!"
"I know, and I want to take it!"
"Do it!" You say. "Right now!"
"Then come with me," He says, and for the first time, your smile seems to disappear. "Oh no"
"Dylan..." you say. "I can't. Jeff needs me, and I have so many things to do here..."
"Come on, just think about it," He says, making puppy eyes. "You love the city, you can't say no"
"Which city?"
"That's the best part," he says, excited. "Washington, Virginia"
Hotch appears in your mind, almost immediately.
A little bit numb, you look at him. "Washington?"
"I know you love it," Dylan says. "You once told me, the night we got drunk on tequila"
You take a deep breath, not knowing how to process all this information.
"I..." Frowning, and standing up, you try to react. "I should go see Jeff."
"Promise me you're going to think about it".
You only nod, before walking out of the room.
XI
Jeff was still asleep in the medical tent, and after staying with him a couple of minutes, you go the main one, to reunite with the agents.
You have been thinking about your conversation with Hotch since yesterday. You're not even sure you can call it like that, a conversation. There were too many screams, and too many tears, for it to be a conventional dialogue.
You want to ask him about the letter, there was something too genuine in his shock.
"Good morning," you say, with your hands inside the pockets of your jacket. There are four men in front of you, and they all smile politely. "So, do we start, or do we wait for Agent Hotchner?"
The brunette one makes a face. "I think we will have to start without him."
"Start, and finish without him, actually," Says a blonde one. "He just left."
Frowning, you look at them. "What do you mean?"
"He left"
"The camp?"
"Pakistan"
When they say that, it feels like a punch in your guts. You take a step back, and they notice the way your expression changes.
"Why would he do that?"
"He didn't tell us," They say while looking at each other.
"Is he coming back?" You ask, and your voice sounds oddly low.
"We don't know," says one.
Then another one adds:
"We don't think so"
XII
Seated outside the medical tent, and looking at the dirt under your shoes, you think about this last few days, and the possibility of it being a huge and dark nightmare.
It doesn't seem real.
It doesn't feel real.
Maybe it was a hallucination, you think.
But then the noises from inside of the tent make you go back to reality and its cruelty.
Frowning, mostly because of fear but also because of confusion, you step inside, trying to comprehend what is happening.
Dylan is leaning into one of the tables, frustrated, with his eyes closed. The young man that usually assists him looks petrified, right beside him.
You don't cry, but your eyes fill up with sorrow, not comprehending how you can be so used to death but still having the same shocking reaction every single time.
"He is dead, isn't he?"
When neither of them answers you, you nod, walking towards Jeff.
"I'm sorry," Dylan says. "He was doing fine, but then he decompensated out of nowhere"
You think about Margaret, and the stupid spaghettis he told you about. You think about his wise smile, and words, and about how his eyes, now closed, used to light up every time you said something you were not supposed to.
Lastly, you think about the last phrase he said to you, and how sad it is that the beauty is probably already wasted.
XIII
That night you can't sleep.
When the sun arrives again, you stay in bed for a while, looking at the ceiling and trying to organize your thoughts.
Dylan brings you food, a porridge of oatmeal that stinks. He is making some joke about the apparience of it, when you catch his attention.
"Dylan" you murmur, and he looks at you, confusion on his eyes. "I will go with you."
"What?"
"I'll go to Washington"
-