Xander's POV:
There was no hesitation in me, the second I reached the door I nearly threw it open, eyes ready to find her in my bed like she had said.
But I caught her first just a few feet from the door, my appearance causing her to freeze midstep.
Her eyes rounded as they set on me, and she had her arms crossed tightly as if she was holding herself.
That now-familiar smell of uncertainty was rolling off of her and thick in the air of the room, her heartbeat being just slightly faster than usual.
I composed myself a bit before closing the door and stepping further in.
She eyed me warily as I did, especially at the look on my face.
I knew how good she had gotten at reading me. and even then, I wasn't too confident that I was masking it well.
She knew something was up.
Her eyes glanced to the clock.
"The ball isn't over yet. Did you forget something?" There was a tremor in her voice that most wouldn't have been able to catch.
That and she still hadn't released her arms, and I was well aware of what that habit of hers showed me.
Had she been like this the entire time? Sitting in here stressing?
I should have left so much sooner.
"No, I," I felt that lump in my throat shift as I cleared my throat, "I left early."
She stared at me for a few seconds, processing.
"You... Left? You're not going back?"
I shook my head.
"I'm not... The longer I was there the more I realized that" I paused. I had to since it felt like my breath was cutting itself off. "that there wasn't anyone there that I'd rather be with tonight than you."
Even if things weren't what they used to be...
Her brows rose, lips parting ever so slightly.
Nervousness churned in me with every passing second, that damned regret tightening in me.
I needed to pull It out and I needed to do it soon.
"I-I can leave though if you wanted to have this time to yourself." I sputtered.
If that was the case then I could wait, I wouldn't want to rob her of that time I just-
"No!" she exasperated, startling both of us.
She drew in a breath before continuing, "No I... I'm glad you're back,"
The words were nearly silent, and yet they yanked hard at my heart. At the verity and slight ache in her soft words
They caused me to stagger a step towards her, wanting to offer some sort of comfort, but catching myself.
I wasn't sure if it was something she wanted. From me at least.
And now of all times.
So instead we just stood there in silence for a moment.
I didn't know how to begin. I didn't make any sort of plan on what I was going to say or how I was going to say it.
All I was feeling now was the defeat of accepting that everything I lost, everything I sacrificed, everything that I convinced myself would be worth it, were for absolutely nothing.
It always was.
There was never a single moment in time where she ever planned on giving me what I was so convinced that I wanted.
My eyes fell to the skin on her neck and what I could see on her shoulders, specifically at the bandage she still kept on her left one.
And the lighter dots of skin... the scars she's acquired because of it.
Because of me.
That and so much more.
"Xander?"
The sound of my name brought me back enough to realize the thick ache in my throat and chest, as well as the tears brimming over in my eyes.
It was my breaking point, hearing it like that with her voice.
Something snapped, my vision went hazy, and the next thing I knew, I was on my knees.
"I'm sorry," The words that I knew would never be enough spilled from me, as well as the tears from my eyes, "I'm so, so sorry for everything!"
My hair fell in front of my eyes as I kept my head towards the floor.
It felt like I couldn't even face her.
"With Lalya I-" My voice caught, and I heard her breath do the same, "For ever dragging you into the mess with her, and making you deal with the brunt of my mistakes. For getting caught up with her in the first place."
It felt like I was choking, like pulling this from me was taking everything inside me with it.
"I was stuck. I-I got myself ingrained in her and I couldn't see anything past that despite how clear it was for everyone else. I let her drag me around and control my every decision, I let her control you. Just in the hopes that then the end was somewhere in sight and I'd get what I thought I wanted."
Tears dripped down onto the floor and the fabric of my pants as I tried to catch my breath.
I couldn't. Not through the convulsing in my lungs that this bawling was forcing through me.
And still, I spoke. I had to. She needed to hear all of this.
"I don't know why I ever thought any of this was worth it. She was never worth all of this! All the shit she put you through and I just let her!"
My head ached as I spoke as if the memories of the last few years we're going up in flames as I could finally see them for what they were.
Pinpointing every single mistake, each one just adding more and more to what was I was already carrying.
And I let it crush me.
I felt like I needed to suffer. Like I didn't deserve a single pinch of kindness that anyone had to give me for just sitting back and allowing what I did.
I needed to atone in every way possible, and even then it wouldn't be enough.
I don't know if anything would be.
"I know that I'll never deserve your forgiveness, but I want to try. I want to do anything I can just to atone for even an inch of it. I don't care how long it takes me."
I eventually grew the nerve to raise my head and face her.
To see the complete disbelief on her face through the hand she had covering her mouth.
I found myself caught up in just the sight of her. The sight of this insanely strong, beautiful, kick-ass woman and knowing what I'd done to her.
My throat shut and chest burned, yet I forced the words out.
"I want to fix this," I croaked, hoping that even then my determination showed "All of it."
I attempted yet again to catch my breath. To calm down the multiple parts of me that were on edge so I could think straight.
I looked to Doe again.
There was an interesting look on her face but through the hand on her face, the blur of my tears, and my hair, I couldn't distinguish it clearly.
My attention switched away from it too the second I noticed her other hand move.
It rose and slowly inched its way to me.
I could feel the soft intention behind the movement, and just for that, I rose my own hand and stopped it with the back of mine.
"Don't," I winced.
I didn't deserve any comfort. Not from her.
She let out a quick, almost rash exhale.
"Don't?," The single worst was almost gentle, but the next ones were the complete opposite, "Oh cut the shit, Xander."
The harsh anger was unmistakable in her tone, but the trembling in her voice told me something else.
I drew back, wiping my eyes with my other hand, and brushing my hair back.
There was an angry line between her brows and yet I could see the tears swimming in her eyes.
Oh no. No no no what did I do?!
"I-I don't want comfort if it's at your expense," I hurriedly explained.
"At my expense?!" She repeated, making it very evident that she didn't like that, "Xander, I was born for no other reason than to be used. For everything to be at my expense."
"Exactly I-"
"No," she cut me off, "So I know the difference between when it's at my expense, and when it's genuinely coming from me. Don't just sit here and deny yourself the most basic of comfort when you need it! Stop pushing away the people who want to help you! That's not how you fix this!"
She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, taking a moment just to breathe.
Meanwhile, I was still caught up in shock.
I pour out all I could to the girl whose life I've absolutely decimated, and she offers comfort.
Her sniffle nearly broke me all over again.
"Not when it's so hard for me to offer it to you in the first place because I want to trust you again. I want to go back to the trust we had before that night but I'm scared because the last time I let my guard down, I got screwed."
I opened my mouth, scrambling for something to say, but she gestured for me to stop.
She wasn't done yet.
"I know that you're telling me the truth. I know that you meant every single word that you said, then and a few nights ago and I-" Her voice broke, a new wave of tears coming to her eyes, "I want to see you get better. I want to watch you fix all on this because the only time I've spent not in that pet shop was spent here watching you tear your own life apart, and then watch you crumble down into an entirely different person the second no one else was watching!"
No tears fell from her, but they continued to fall from me as I took in every word she gave me.
Through the anger and sadness that were fighting through her.
"I know you want to fix this, but you can't find the best way to go about that when your head is in the frenzy that it is now." She ended, gesturing down.
I followed the gesture, immediately retracting the claws I hadn't realized were out.
She was right. She was absolutely right and yet I felt like I still had so much to say to her.
I felt like she should be so much angrier at me than she was.
She had every single right to and even so...
"Now get up."
"W-what?" I stammered.
"Get. up," she repeated, hands balled tight at her side.
I didn't waste a second after that before steadily rising to my feet, my body instinctively bracing for some kind of physical assault.
I kept my eye on her, watching her hesitate for a few long moments.
Then nearly collapsed all over again as she closed the space between us, wrapping her arms under mine just how she had done before.
My body grew unbelievably tense in a variety of emotions, tears coming stronger than ever.
"You can fix this Xander. It will take a while, but you can," The anger in her voice had vanished.
I didn't think twice before holding my arms around her to keep her there, not feeling any tension in her as I did.
I was caught between still knowing that I didn't deserve this from her, and wanting nothing more than to keep her there.
"Like you said, you got stuck. She took that stupid greed you vampires have and used it to make you what she wanted. She made you someone that you're not."
That didn't make my actions justifiable.
I'm sure she knew that just as much as I did.
Her fingers pressed harder against my shirt near my shoulders.
"I've seen the real you, and that's someone to be proud of." She whispered, the words gentle and comforting.
My eyes squeezed shut through the sudden heated twist in my chest, holding her as close as I possibly could through my fevered sniveling.
I couldn't keep it together at all, not after those words.
And hearing them from her...
It caused that warmth so familiar to just her to temporarily distract me from everything else.
"I've gone through a lot of shit since you bought me," She began, her words strangely mellow despite the weight of them, "Loads and loads of it. Enough to last me a few lifetimes even. Even so, they were things that a person who was raised as I was could only expect."
"That doesn't make it any better," My words were pathetically weak.
"I know," Again, her words were consoling, "Unlike many in my position, I eventually became able to know that. I've lived longer than was ever expected... Even if it was for the wrong reason at the time."
At the time.
"And even with all of that, there were times where I could experience a lot more than anyone in my position could even think to dream of. I got to explore different foods, I got to spend time in the town, I gained an interest in music."
She paused, the sound of her voice as she spoke her next words confirming that her tears had finally spilled over.
"Even for a moment there, it felt like I had a friend."
My heard snapped at that one word alone.
'had'
It nearly sent me down an entirely new spiral, but she caught it just in time
Her next words caressed my ears like nothing I've ever experienced before, even past the nails against my back as she held tightly to me.
"I want that friend back, Xander. Even if he has a lot to make up for."
I absolutely couldn't believe this.
I couldn't believe her willingness to try to help me through this, her want to see me put my life back together no matter how long it took me.
And now this.
Now the relationship I cherished so deeply... She wanted that back.
I'd fight for that no matter the cost and defend it with my life.
Every part of me could agree with that.
With the chance, she was giving me. A chance that I absolutely did not deserve, I knew that I would never risk losing it.
"He's yours," I spoke through the strain in my throat, "He's all yours."
I felt her give a small nod, her body relaxing in my grasp in a way that felt like relief.
Followed my a deep exhale that gave me the same message.
The only part of her that didn't relax was the grasp she had on me as she just let me sob away.
"Thank you for leaving the ball."